SCREAMING AT CHRISTMAS HORROR 2018!

Howdy there, Scream Freaks! You know, I hate to admit it, but as fun as it is to watch our traditional holiday horrors this time of year, we’re startin’ to feel a little burned out on them. We still love ’em as much as we ever have, mind ya, like Silent Night Deadly Night, Krampus, and Black Christmas, but it’s just after watchin’ them umpteen times for so many years in a row, we start to lose that enthusiasm for throwin’ them up on the TV ‘less it’s for background noise. That’s why this year, we’re not content to simply watchin’ the same ol’ killer Santas and snowmen. No sir, we’re committed to checkin’ out everythin’ new under the tree this Christmas, and see what’s worth startin’ new couch potato traditions for!

Minus a flick called Anna and the Apocalypse (which isn’t available to us yet), we’re pretty sure we’ve seen all 2018 has to offer this yuletide season and thought we’d share what we found with ya in one sweet list of what we consider the worst to best. Judged on storytellin’, level of fun, and amount of Christmas spirit, here’s what you should avoid and enjoy!

POOKA (2018)

A strugglin’ actor gets a gig makin’ exclusive appearances as the holiday season’s hottest new toy, Pooka, but things get weird when the mascot uniform starts fuckin’ with his head with trippy visions headin’ for a homicidal turn. While this flicks starts off on a promisin’ boot I hoped would be somethin’ ’bout evil corporations ruinin’ young’ns lives like in Halloween III, it quickly detours into one of them pointless artsy metaphor kinda flicks where everythin’s an inconsequential dream in the actor’s head to help him cope/remember/fight to forget what an asshole he is in real life after destroyin’ some folks’ lives. Without more cues regardin’ his real life for a more meaningful comparison, the twist endin’ falls miserably flat and leaves me feelin’ like I wasted my time. The only memorable thin’ you’ll take away from this is Pooka doin’ the dirty between the sheets for a brief second, and a tasteful shot of the actor masterbatin’ in the corner while wearin’ the Pooka mask. 2/5!

HOT SPANKING ROD (2018)

Direct from Krampus’s homeland, this artsy fartsy flick features a gang of cosplayin’ yahoos catchin’ and releasin’ a bunch of dirty mouth beauties for repetitive spankin’s, and that’s ’bout all I can understand among all the weird Euro antics played for laughs. This is actually an 11 part series, but if ya binge it all at once, it’s feature length and will either give ya a good laugh watchin’ ladies try to keep a straight face while wooly boogers whip their bottoms or leave ya at a complete loss for what’s exactly happenin’ story wise. Somethin’ ’bout range shootin’ friends feudin’ over the same ass while the town dances with the very creatures they jeer on Krampus night? I dunno . . . I still can’t figure out why there’s a pumpkin smashin’ muscleman threaded throughout the whole thing! Kidnappin’, women in cages, whippin’, women in trunks, Krampus employed tractor drivers, Krampus dance parties, melodramatic fireworks, repetitive music and sound effects, and poor edits galore! 2/5!

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (2018)

A pair of horny yahoos are duped into attendin’ an ugly sweater party at a jeerful Bible camp, and one of them is wearing an eyesore that’s haunted by the ghost of a serial killer who possesses him to slaughter the doomed Bible thumpers in the name of somethin’ called Sweaterface. A fresh take on Christmas horror that surprises ya with every twist and turn, this is kitchen sink filmmakin’ at its most metal with manic edits, kinetic camerawork, and a shameless ensemble of actors that includes horror hottie hall of famer, Felissa Rose. The only thing that can make this flick better than it already is is developin’ more of the relationships among the characters to give the story arc more trajectory. Bum beatin’s, head crushin’, police brutality, cursed Christmas attire, dick rippin’, blood squirtin’ facials, disgruntled employees, random rock videos, ray guns, head explosions, pub shavin’ in bowls of cereal, minimum Christmas decor, homo showers, ghosts, psychic visions, baptisms, dick props, evil time jumpin’, monstrous sweater transformations, zero boobs, skinny dippin, and Felissa Rose guest stars as a cheatin’ milf! 2/5!

ELVES (2018)

In this Hispanic sequel to The Elf  that openly compares itself to It Follows and Truth or Dare, a gang of yahoos are duped into playin’ some confusin’ game involvin’ a misfit toy Elf who instructs them to hurt folks or suffer their own grisly fate. First and foremost, the posters and descriptions for this sucker are only half true. There is more than one evil elf, but they’re each runnin’ their own separate games with very little cohesion or overlap with the core group of gamers who’d rather split up to finish the movie than stick together. The only thing worse than the convoluted game rules is the elves’ biblical backstory I can’t begin to understand, and that the filmmakers must have chosen to spend their effects budget on Instagram face distortions over killer CGI elf animations like the first movie. Evil whisperin’ elf dolls, gouged eyes, possessed suicides, wrenches to the head, Christmas light strangulation, seances, unknown copies of naughty lists, car wrecks, roofied drinks, random therapy group massacres, slit throats, elf possessions with twisto morph faces, stabbin’s, homicidal home runs, lots poorly hidden lapel mics and battery packs, folks rollin’ ’round the floor while huggin’ elf dolls to their chests, folks beaten with Christmas trees, and unexplained helper elf hench wench assassins with unclear motives! 2/5!

KRAMPUS ORIGINS (2018)

A World War 1 soldier’s spoil of war becomes his wife’s burden as she inherits a spell book for summonin’ Krampus, unleashin’ Christmas carnage at the orphanage she works at when curious young’ns dick ’round with its passages. I’m gonna warn ya right now, there’s barely any Krampus in this sucker! After a snooze worthy hour of Ruin My Lifetime drama with widows, orphans, and nuns, Krampus is FINALLY summoned and seen the last third of the flick, but just barely with most if not all his action happenin’ off screen with only the sudden aftermath of dead bodies cluin’ me in to what happened. This flop has all the ingredients for bein’ a good movie, but it’s soured by its lack of Krampus, energy, Christmas, and the sound quality sucks too. Peepin’ toms, World War 1 battles, shnookered priests, practicin’ alchemists, interdimensional Krampuses, jump cut massacres, incantations, bullies, and mean girls! 2/5! 

CHRISTMAS PRESENCE aka WHY HIDE? (2018)

A convoy of miserable Brits have a intimate Christmas reunion in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and are eventually attacked by a shapeshiftin’ spider ghost. This Shudder original is one of them kind of flicks that has a lot of the right elements for a decent horror, but it fumbles its establishment of the lead character and loses a lot of momentum and holiday appeal as soon as Christmas day arrives midway through. Cool monster, though. Song and dance boo-gers, kidnappin’ spirits, button vomitin’, evil mirror twins, sacrificial rituals, lingerie runways with proud muffin tops, stiffs in the snow, hypnosis, and folks killed with a sofa bed! 2/5!

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)

A black box theater presents an anthology of holiday horrors on Christmas, but we’re luckily shown the cinematic interpretations of each short to make it to the take it or leave it endin’. All in all, this ain’t a bad way to spend bein’ scared of Christmas, but there’s not a lot to take away from it since everything’s presented as pure fiction a bunch of yahoos are strugglin’ to sit through. The shorts are creative none the less, but I’ve seen several of them done better when watchin’ YouTube Red’s 12 Deadly Days. Weirdo stares, Rudolph-Vision, tinsel snortin’, out of body experiences, E.T. Christmas guests, Twilight Zone nods, office parties gone Saw, throat slittin’, suicides, cursed vans, clingy demons, Scrooge parodies, roadkill reindeer, dark spirits, booby trap yankee swap, and bullets to the head! 3/5!

MOTHER KRAMPUS 2: SLAY RIDE (2018)

If ya thought ya felt gypped when the first Mother Krampus turned out to really be ’bout the Christmas witch Frau Perchta, you’re gonna be doubly pissed when I tell ya neither she nor Krampus is in this sequel! This Christmas Eve horror features an ax happy mental patient in an altered Michael Myers mask who slaughters an entire family and assumes their granny’s identity. Shortly after, the soup kitchen sends an entertainin’ gang of community service criminals to clean the family’s house and the crazy ol’ loon invites them in for more holiday hackin’. Despite the misleadin’ title, this flick’s got a lot of good ideas and decent enough actin’ to stand as its own flick outside of the Mother Krampus series. The film’s biggest short comin’ is how long the interval between the openin’ and closin’ kills is, almost makin’ me forget this is even a horror film. Eye gougin’ with glass decor, poisoned soup, merry drag queen musicals, axes to the faces and back, stab happy overkill, stiffs in the attic, girls in lingerie, cripple deaths, undercover police operations, bangin’ in the car without nudity, and booger sugar! 3/5!

MS. CLAUS (2018)

In this throwback to formulaic slasher movies that defined the ’80s, some psycho cosplayin’ as Santa’s duller half crashes a sorority’s Christmas party and slaughters guests with yuletide yard decorations. Caught somewhere between low budget and no budget, this is a respectable attempt at a holiday horror that hits all the plot points for a decent scary flick. It’s got tragic backstories, damaged last girls, and, most importantly, a masked killer graphically hackin’ folks to an unexpected twist endin’. Far from a masterpiece, there’s plenty of little things that can be punched up to make this more excitin’ to watch, like the camerawork and lightin’, but it ain’t nothin’ spiked eggnog can’t help ya through. Deep throat candy canes, slumberin’ stabbin’s, mellow yellow hazin’, dildo initiations, pasty boobs, strangulation, skewered lovers, decapitations, fatal gunshots, wacky tobacky, suicidal hangin’s, bullyin’ PSAs, upset mothers on emotional rollercoasters, tree topper eye gougin’, and Brinke Stevens guest stars as Snoopy Tits! 3/5!

SANTA JAWS (2018)

Brace yourself for a nutty mash-up of ideas as a teenage artist accidentally doodles a Christmas shark to life with a magic pen and spends Christmas Eve rescuin’ his friends and family from bein’ eaten by the imaginary killer. Part Cellar Dweller, part Krampus, and all silly shark, this has to be one of the craziest TV shark movies I’ve ever seen. That said, the CGI’s decent, the filmmakers do a good job keepin’ things Christmasy from scene to scene, and there’s a solid story from beginnin’ to end, but the actin’ ain’t convincin’ when it comes to realistic reactions, the rules for Santa Jaws are all over the place, and the family barely has chemistry. Bikini trophy wives, fantasy Russian girls, greedy comic shop owners, explodin’ ornaments, bunch of folks eaten whole, impalements, senseless sacrifices, magic pens, explodin’ turkey dinners, medieval defenses, bitch mamas, fist fightin’ Santa fantasies, mulligan endin’s, and yes, Santa Jaws wears the hat the whole time while wrapped in Christmas lights and even gains a candycane horn and busted ornaments for teeth! 3/5!

SLAY BELLES (2018)

Three bubbly urban explores take their web show to the boonies on Christmas Eve to check out an abandoned Santa Land, but find out it’s the real Santa’s retirement home, and he needs their help stoppin’ a recently escaped Krampus from deliverin’ toothy hairball critters to young’ns ‘cross the world for reasons only he knows. I’ve seen a lot if not EVERY Krampus movie to date, and by far, this is horns and shoulders above the majority of them. The production’s slick and crisp, Krampus’s make-up is amaze-balls, every character from biker Santa to a disenchanted Ms. Claus is engagin’, the story’s fresh and excitin’, and overall, this is just a lot of fun to watch! Slay Belles is the closest thing to my idea of what a Krampus movie should be. The only sour is the dime store lookin’ cop uniforms. Krampus-vision, air-borne slay rides, explosions, decapitations, monstrous transformations, gift wrapped puppet creatures, Christmas magic, cookie addictions, magic staffs, wardrobe change with boobs, disemboweled young’ns, horns through the chest, tasers, and Krampus dong! 5/5!

Other than that, be sure to catch up on all past Screaming Soup! Seasons, check out this week’s Howl’n Hottie, read recent reviews for the newer horror films and comics we’re checkin’ out in our blogs, R-Rated Reviews and Sequential Slime, and help us get the word out about the web’s #1 animated horror host show! Please use our social buttons in the upper right corner of the site and follow our tweets, subscribe to our video channels, like our Facebook, watch and share all our vids, and keep that fan mail comin’. You can also warm up some Screaming Soup! leftovers with reruns currently playin’ on Beta Max TV and Sluggo’s The Vortexx!

For all you fearmakers out there workin’ on your next scary feature, remember to shoot it our way as an entry in our Scream Freak Film Contest! Three winners will be reviewed in our 50th episode and promoted to all the Scream Freaks lookin’ for the next big thing Hollywood’s too scared to capitalize on. The deadline is open ’til we publish our 49th episode!

And remember to deface your calendars for Screaming Soup!’s first official convention appearance at Mad Monster Party Carolina Feb. 22-24 2019 where you can meet and greet the talents behind your favorite animated horror host show for free autographs!

See ya later, Scream Freaks!

SCREAMING AT 2017’S CHRISTMAS HORROR!

Howdy there, Scream Freaks! Wow, Christmas is right around the corner, and we’re keepin’ a sharp eye out for any holiday jeer that might interrupt our preparation for our season five premier next month. Killer street Santas, flesh hungry elves, sinister snowmen . . . you never know what cute Christmas character’s gonna jump outta the woodwork as a twisted nightmare lookin’ to deck your halls!

Speakin’ of which, if you’re like us, then you’re always on the hunt for the newest Christmas horror flicks as soon as Halloween’s over. This year’s no different, and we thought we’d give you a heads up on a few of the more notable releases this season.

BETTER WATCH OUT (2016)

When a psycho young’n makes his move on his favorite babysitter while his parents are away at a Christmas party, his demented affections escalate to kidnappin’ and murder that’s sure to put him on the naughty list. A dark little flick with surprise twists and turns, this sick brat keeps you on the edge of your seat just itchin’ to see him get his just desserts by the end. Stellar actin’, sharp cinematography, and full of Christmas spirit, but I don’t think this will be a Christmas horror classic per say since Christmas isn’t integral to the story or villain. Underage drinkin’, stabs in the face, baseball bats to the head, young’ns heads blown off, duct tape saves, manipulated idiots, foiled escapes, Home Alone paint can deaths, mower hangin’s, stabs in the neck, bricks to the head, and sicko twirps that need more than a spankin’! 4/5!

THE ELF (2017)

It’s Christmas Eve, and just when a holiday hatin’ human sloth thinks things can’t get any worse after his fiancé’s unsupportive family drops in for a surprise visit, he accidentally sicks a killer Elf on the Shelf knock-off on them that collects souls for its demi-god’s supernatural hunt. Unfortunately, this flick is more jeer than cheer, and that’s due to a draggin’ pace that makes me feel like me or the filmmakers are stoned with every reaction, movement, and line delivery movin’ at the speed of molasses. The characters, locations, and backstory are introduced in the most confusin’ ways, the wardrobe’s a joke, and there is zero chemistry among the cast which impacts the lead couple from bein’ anywhere close to convincin’. Cursed chests, wrecked geezers playin’ “VROOM!,” stabbin’s, young’ns with mouths sewn shut, toy trapped souls, giftwrapped sacrifices, CGI/puppet prop killers, marriage interventions, random snow, seizure showers, Olive Oyl cosplay, giraffe deformities, and co-starrin’ the Rollin’ Stones lips! 2/5! 

RED CHRISTMAS (2017)

While Dee Wallace celebrates Christmas down under with her Australian family, a horrifyin’ mistake from her past limps to her front door and asks for acceptance into the family he never had least he kills them all. Much better than I expected, this violent holiday horror hooks me with its drama and the mystery of the hulkin’ visitor cosplayin’ as a mummy but sadly loses all that momentum by the third act when it all progresses into a meanderin’ game of cat and mouse. And just to get it out of my system (SPOILER ALERT), when does havin’ Down Syndrome mean bein’ a super strong behemoth with a monstrous mug? Bear trap hats gone wrong, pissin’ on the poor, dick rippin’, strangulations, artists chopped in half, prego bangin’, stabbin’s, Christmas births, axe-wieldin’ abortions, explosive backstories, fatal gunshots, and axes through the head! 3/5!

MOTHER KRAMPUS aka 12 DEATHS OF CHRISTMAS (2017)

Don’t let the title fool ya, ’cause this ain’t really a Krampus flick but a movie ’bout one of his Eastern Europe associates, Frau Perchta the Christmas Witch. The children of a small town are disappearin’, and their panicked parents think it’s the fulfillment of a decades ol’ curse cast by a witch they lynched for supposedly killin’ their young’ns. With only a handful of families left hidin’ from Perchta’s punishment Christmas Eve night, the supernatural assassin of the naughty moves fast to round up the remainin’ rugrats and slaughter their folks for their sins. Despite Perchta bein’ falsely advertised as Krampus, she still proves herself worthy of spreadin’ holiday fear in her own feature. The actin’s decent, there’s some creative kills, and the musical score is waaay too good for this feature with unnervin’ drones and creepy renditions of Christmas tunes. The biggest flaws I gotta bitch ’bout mainly regard the script with characters repeatin’ the same backstory over and over again, a convoluted plot that can stand to cut or combine certain details, and loose ends with the fate of the captured brats that somehow plays into the bigger picture of keepin’ the last young’n safe. Disembowelments, innards stuffed with yard waste and Christmas lights, heart rippin’, human Christmas décor, axes in the head, burnin’ facials, strangers with candy, stabbin’s, turkey cosplay feasts, flesh cookies, mouths sewn shut, Candyman nods, blood lickin’, satanic inductions, family drama out the ass, and boyfriends literally eatin’ their girlfriends! 3/5!

These flicks might be horse short of an open sleigh ride when compared to classics like Gremlins, Krampus, or the Silent Night, Deadly Night series, but still worth a watch on those cold dreary nights ’round the Christmas tree. For a list that claims to be the ultimate in namin’ and rankin’ every Christmas horror movie ever made, check out this link HERE and cross reference potential films you wanna see with our own R-Rated Reviews to see if it’s worth your time.

In the meantime, be sure to catch up on all past Screaming Soup! Seasons, check out this week’s Howl’n Hottie, read recent reviews for the newer horror films and comics we’re checkin’ out in our blogs, R-Rated Reviews and Sequential Slime, and help us get the word out about the web’s #1 animated horror host show! Please use our social buttons in the upper right corner of the site and follow our tweets, subscribe to our video channels, like our Facebook, watch and share all our vids, and keep that fan mail comin’.

Warm up some Screaming Soup! leftovers with reruns currently playin’ on Beta Max TV and Sluggo’s The Vortexx!

See ya later, Scream Freaks!

SCREAMING AT GHOULIGANS CHRISTMAS!

Howdy there, Scream Freaks! Like most everyone else about now, we’ve been occupied with scratching the itch to see the Star wars sequel we’ve all been waiting for, and luckily, it didn’t disappoint! But when our attention’s not in a galaxy far far away, we’ve been solely focused on making sure this upcoming season of Screaming Soup! is gonna outshine the rest.

We’ll never forget when a good friend of ours was reviewing an episode for us halfway through the production of Season 2, and toward the end he started fastfowarding. “Why did you do that?” we asked. “Because I know what’s going to happen.” That was just the reality check we needed to realize the episodes were getting a little too patterned and predictable, and we needed to change up the show to keep the interests of you Scream Freaks. This evolution began with the Slime City review in episode 17, and slowly built up little by little for setting up the new format that’ll be seen in Season 3. What that means is you’ll be seeing more out of Deadwest and the gang with fully developed story arcs, high stakes action, and some new wild locations that expands the Crosslands beyond the Howl-Inn Grub and Spirits.

Luckily, we were smart enough to start a yearly schedule for producing a full season of Screaming Soup!, meaning we have 12 months to animate a season before its premier. So, while you’re watching Season 2, we’re working on Season 3. We typically like to wrap up production by Halloween so we can enjoy the holidays and just prep for the following season, but we have fallen behind some this year for a couple of reasons. One reason we’re just now working on the season finale for season 3 is because of those Bruce Campbell videos we made for Halloween, and then the Ghouligans enlisted our services for a Christmas music video. Yup, this gang of top notch horror entertainers were impressed enough with their cameo in the Season 2 finale, that they wanted more! It was interesting working on another show’s animation, but it was a lot of fun, and those guys are just a great lot to work with. So, if you haven’t seen that video yet, watch below, and because it’s G-rated, you can share it with your friends and family!

Enough rambling already! Be sure to catch up on Screaming Soup! Seasons 1-2 before the premier of Season 3 1/20/16, and help us get the word out about the web’s #1 animated horror host show! Please use our social buttons in the upper right corner of the site and follow our tweets, subscribe to our Youtube channel, like our Facebook, watch and share all our vids, and keep that fan mail coming.

I’ll see ya later, Scream Freaks!

SCREAMING AT KRAMPUS!

Howdy there, Scream Freaks! With enough sleep and shaman medicine, we’ve defeated the uncommon cold since you last heard from us and are ready to kick off the Krampus season! No, not Christmas – Krampus! That’s right, Michael Dougherty’s Krampus comes out this weekend, and that’s got us more pumped than any Star Wars movie! We remember the first time we heard of the Christmas boogeyman when he made his unforgettable appearance on Adult Swim’s Venture Bros. Christmas Special that had us asking, “What the fuck is that thing?” We’ve done plenty of reading up on this mythical creature since then, and quickly became fans of the original Bad Santa.

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For those who don’t know (or can’t use Wikipedia), the Krampus is a creature from German folklore that basically shadows Santa Clause Christmas night, punishing the naughty children while St. Nick rewards the good kids with presents. The punishment Krampus dishes out varies from culture to culture. Sometimes he’s swatting children with birch branches or leaving coal in their stockings, and other times he’s actually snatching kids from their homes to drown, eat, or whisk to hell. Quite the Grimm fairy tale isn’t he?

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Somehow the legend of the Krampus was suppressed over the decades (maybe centuries?), and has only recently been making a comeback the last few years, finally blowing up pop culture this Christmas! There’s Krampus Christmas cards, sweaters, t-shirts, dolls, parades, statues, comics, TV appearances, and big budget movies! Yes, Krampus had a handful of humble low-budget breaks into film the last few years, but mainstream movie companies have finally seen the writing on the wall and realized Krampus was movie monster gold and now everyone’s clamoring for him! Even Kevin Smith announced he’ll be starting production on his own Krampus anthology film for next year.

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Now, before the movie industry blows up with Krampus fever, the list of his cinematic exploits is still fairly small and easily obtainable for horror fans wanting to collect them. There’s been Night of the Krampus from 2013 which we haven’t seen ourselves yet, and Krampus – The Christmas Devil from 2014 that was, holy shit, a movie bomb that may as well be coal in your stocking. The best thing about that movie was the cover which is really a promise waiting to blow-up in your face as soon as you push play. Then of course, you have the 3 newest entries this year, Krampus The Reckoning, A Christmas Horror Story, and Krampus. We’re not in a hurry to see Reckoning because of the cover but did see A Christmas Horror Story. This anthology was good but not the greatest horror movie in our opinion. We felt the stories lacked a lot of POW! for their endings, not all the creatures were exactly Christmas related, and the Krampus was underplayed and a little too superhero in appearance for our tastes. His segment was more or less an uneventful cat and mouse chase with him pursuing a family of jerks, but the filmmakers did introduce an interesting explanation for how Krampus is summoned which we liked. We’d give it like 3.5/5, and think it makes a great addition to any horror fan’s holiday fright collection.

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Krampus is what we’re really looking forward to. From what we’ve seen in the trailers, this should be everything we could ask for; scares, effects, laughs, and (fingers crossed) story. Krampus, don’t fail us now! We’ll definetly be sharing our thoughts on the movie after the weekend. And if you haven’t heard already, there’s also a companion comic that was released in conjunction with the Krampus movie that I’d also recommend picking up.

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Enough rambling already! Be sure to catch up on Screaming Soup! Seasons 1-2 before the premier of Season 3 1/20/16, and help us get the word out about the web’s #1 animated horror host show! Please use our social buttons in the upper right corner of the site and follow our tweets, subscribe to our Youtube channel, like our Facebook, watch and share all our vids, and keep that fan mail coming.

I’ll see ya later, Scream Freaks!

 

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