Z – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

zzarkZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996)

If you’re lookin’ for a guy in a rubber monster suit breakin’ shit, then skip to the last 5 minutes of this people heavy flick and call it quits. Seriously, the whole movie is a tiny alien teeny bopper telling a postal worker he’s been chosen to defeat a monster they dumped on Earth for the hell of it, and he spends the whole movie just beggin’ people to help him. Laser proof shields, monsters protected by animal activists, FBI disguises, makin’ friends at gunpoint, mountain destroyin’ intros, cities destroyed, cryptzoologists, crippled hackers who won’t pay for your meals, over the top hick sheriffs, and BARELY any monster. 2/5!

ZzbeakOMBEAK (2006)

A group of comical Satanists kidnap a trailer trash hooters waitress to be Satan’s bride, but when her redneck friends come to rescue her, they accidentally trap Satan in a sacrificial chicken that’s peckin’ pissed and out for blood and eye balls! This is one of those movies that’s so borderline for bein’ so bad it’s good, it’s not even funny. A humorous enough script with good characters and decent effects, the movie’s most unbearable trait is the cast’s actin’ that leaves you rootin’ for the Saturday Night Live chicken prop to kill them all off. Mommy issues, extreme backwoods justice, Satanic pregnancies, possessions, zombie chickens, eyes pecked out, Hot Topic shoppers, baby fetish brutes, gunshots to the head, guts eaten out, white trash chivalry, and axes to pregos! 2/5!

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)

When the infamous Jon Mikl Thor from Rock’n Roll Nightmare is runover by spoiled teens, a yodelin’ voodoo witch brings him back to life as a stumblin’ zombie ready to serve his killers some vigilante justice with a baseball bat. As bad as folks may pan this flick, I think it’s pretty damn entertainin’. The script’s sturdy enough, the story’s wonderfully nutty, the performances are fine cheese, and you get to rock out to one kick-ass soundtrack. Biggest thing I’d fault this oddity for is its loss of momentum toward the end when Thor prematurely kills the guy who actually ran him over, leavin’ him with second string baddies to chase the rest of the flick. Hit and runs, stabbin’s, voodoo zombie resurrections, Haitian wardrobes that look Asian, hot tub scenes with clothes on, ’80s club scenes, attempted rape, head crushin’, gym chases, convenient store robbery rescues, victims who refuse to call the police, spaghetti sandwiches thrown in moms’ faces, confusin’ly shot cruises around town, make-out sessions on the tennis court, girls strangled with bats, guys impaled with baseball bats, smashed faces, and Adam West plays a crooked cop who gets yanked down to hell by a zombie! 3/5!

zzoneZONE TROOPERS (1985)

American G.I.s end up behind enemy lines in Italy circa World War 2 and defend a stranded bug eyed alien from probe happy Nazis. A solid two-fisted tale for all ages, its performers have an uncanny chemistry you can’t deny, and the alien tech is a fond nod to sci-fi designs of yesteryear. I only wish I could have seen this made with a bigger budget for more war action! Hologram make-out sessions, tobacco snacks, egg naps, fugly femaliens, larger than life wind-up toys, space rays, pop shots at Hitler, tanks, troublesome reporters, and Tim Thomerson’s greatest performance as Sarge! 4/5!

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