T – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

z005TALES OF HALLOWEEN (2015)

Not one but ten scary stories from a small town on Halloween night, rangin’ from malicious trick ‘r treaters to fatal fuedin’ neighbors and all things that go bump in the night with horror hall of famers in between. The best Halloween anthology since Trick ‘r Treat (2007), this is a great film that offers plenty of satisfyin’ shorts supported with awesome special effects, actors, and music. Claymation aliens, Friday the 13th nods, demons, clingy bat boys, killer jack-o-lanterns, decapitations, back alley showdowns, car jackin’s, robberies, chucklin’ ghosts, Evil Dead nods, candy lovin’ freaks, disembowelments, eyeball snacks, stabbin’s, young’n ambushes, bike chases, arms severed, and Adrienne Barbeau returns to the airwaves as our favorite horror DJ! 5/5!

ytaranTARANTULA (1955)

A scientist experiments with radioactive super-nutrients for solving world hunger but only deforms lab assistants and grow lab animals to ridiculous sizes, one of which is an escaped giant tarantula that tears through the desert hunting for food. Plenty of big bug action with well written characters, this fast paced monster movie doesn’t disappoint! Tarantula vision, disgruntled employees, meat stripped cattle, dynamite, air strikes, puddy-face scientists, unflattering scarf ties, and live-action blue screen spiders as big as mountains. 4/5!

yteenTEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)

Thrill seeking alien teens invade Earth for farming space lobsters, but one rebel without a clue would rather mingle with Earth girls which results in death laser massacres across town. This might feel like a film that’s quick to dismiss at the beginning, but packs enough cheeseball ideas to put a grin on any B-movie fan’s face. Recycled Air Force gear for space props, wiggling skeletons, ray guns, car crashes, dead dogs, and a man growls while waving a lobster in front of the camera as the giant monster from beyond the stars! 4/5!

y03TELL ME HOW I DIE (2016)

A group of young adults volunteer to be locked up in the mountains for an easy paying gig testing a new memory drug that may have side effects including seeing the future like Nicholas Cage in Knowing. The experiment is interrupted, however, when  a past test patient goes homicidal from seeing the timeline all at once and seeks revenge on everyone in the compound. Old school slasher with a sci-fi twist, this flick offers slick cinematography and a great group of actors working off each other. My only gripe is I think it could have been better if it pushed the powers further and developed the villain more so it wasn’t so much Tom & Jerry toward the end. Stabbings, heads in bear traps, beackseat ambushes, barbwire slides, explosions, and asphyxiation. 3/5! 

YTERRORTERROR FIRMER (1999)

A behind the scenes parody of making a Troma film, Lloyd Kaufman plays a blind director struggling to finish the next Toxic Avenger movie while members of his crew are being killed off by a mysterious slasher in women’s clothing. Like anything Kaufman directs, this film is jam packed with non-stop violence, fart gags, vomiting, dicks, boobs, gore, and piss . . . and we wouldn’t have it any other way! 4 sex love triangles, mental rape games, escalator gore, stock footage car flips, head to toe shit, head to toe vomit, Kabukiman cameos, Toxie cameos, Mad Cowboy cameos, softcore fucking, fucked up Ron Jeremy, Sleepaway Camp twist, fat man streaking, severed limbs, film industry sermons, Seinfeld nods, stunt dummies, and much much more! 4/5!

TERROR TOONS (2002)

Satan captures a household of kids in his new cartoon series, Terror Toons, and makes them fight for their lives against the sadistic Dr. Carnage and his runaway monkey experiment, Max Assassin. The animation and editin’ in this flick is very rough compared to similar stories like that one killer toon short in the Twilight Zone Movie, but it’s a clever idea that’s anything but borin’. There’s some legit creepy moments, decent actin’, and a story that doesn’t fall flat. The most fucked up part is watchin’ adults play really young kids which leaves you questionin’ if you’re technically bein’ a pedophile when enjoyin’ an eyeful of a topless chick you have to remind yourself is playin’ a 10 yr old! Tops of heads sawed off, skeleton removal surgeries, disembowelments, kiddie meat puppets, monkies with guns, spines ripped out, super hero transformations, explosions, dynamite, decapitations, dead pizzaboys, strip Ouija, bodily dismemberment with a pizza cutter, needles to the brain, vomittin’, fatal magic acts, girls sawed in half, Satan, men in drag, brains stomped out, and axes to the face! 3/5!

zthankTHANKSKILLING (2009)

A centuries old Native American curse befalls a group of Thanksgiving partyers as they’re hunted by Turkie, a fowl-mouthed killer bird. If its crazy off-the-wall low-budget entertainment with boobs, gore, and monster puppets you’re lookin’ for, then this is it! Easily a new annual tradition for creature feature/slasher fans. Desecrated miniature totem poles, dead dogs, animated flashbacks, fakest lookin’ sheriffs ever committed to celluloid, fiery deaths, skinned faces, life-like masks, interspecies bangin’, car jackin’s, airborne rabbits, turkey dumps, throat slitting, men in turkey costumes, chest bursting turkeys, coded spell books, tipi hideouts, radioactive resurrection, tongue ripping, heart ripping, stabbings, topless pilgrims, and dinner table jump scares! 5/5!

y02THEY BITE (1996)

A scientist moonlighting as a trash journalist is after the scoop of her career when alien fishmen are killing women off the shores of a small town but keeps getting foiled by a porno film crew capitalizing on their presence. A waaay better film than you might initially give it credit for, this has a really good story, likable characters, plenty of boobs and monster action, but has a anti-climatic ending that fails to satisfy. Watery deaths, subs, underwater spaceships, wet t-shirt contests, bar chaos, hit and run aliens, dicks bitten off, alien va jay jays, beach body parts, dirty pastors, shirtless Ron Jeremy, and alien clean-up crews! 4/5!

THEY CRAWL (2001)

This killer roach flick should have been titled They Suck, because it’s one of the most borin’ movies I’ve ever had to fast forward through to stay awake. A soldier returns home to find out his genius brother’s kicked the bucket with a bang and teams up with a tough cop chick to find out why. After an agonizin’ blow by blow investigation with everybody runnin’ in circles to talk with every stiff crime drama stereotype, the snooze team finally catches up with the audience and find out they’re up against flesh hungry cockroaches of regular size, and Mickey Rourke has somethin’ to do with it in a bit appearance he blatantly phoned in before taggin’ his stunt double to finish the scene. This really needs less drab colors schemes, more engaging’ actors, a steady escalation of danger, waaay more bug action despite it all bein’ shitty CGI, and reign in the gumshoe detective work that’s just all over the place. Best parts are the roaches comin’ together to form one giant super roach, and Tim Thomerson briefly playin’ an exterminator who becomes roach lunch! 2/5! 

YWATCHTHEY’RE WATCHING (2016)

A likeable film crew for a home improvement reality show visits the country of Moldova and get caught in the middle of a town’s fight with a reincarnated witch. An entertaining film that’s like most others in the found-footage genre, this really doesn’t make you sit up until the last act with the creepy townfolk assaulting the witch’s home, resulting in special effects chaos! Funeral no-no’s, cat fights, magic frogs, rabid dogs put down, drinking games, eye gouging, fortune telling murals, corpse soup, lightning combat, axes to the face, fires and pitchforks, and airborne witches. 3/5!

ztimeTIME BARBARIANS (1990)

Great idea, shitty story. A muscle beach barbarian’s tribe of women are slaughtered by a handful of marauders, and he hunts their killers through time and space  thanks to a magical crystal that zaps them to Los Angeles circa 1990. Lots of missed opportunity in this swords and sorcerers flick. You question the title when there’s no time travelin’ ’til the last 3rd of the film, the excruciatingly slow pace kills any excitement you can stir up with barbarian swordplay, and all the fun of a magical barbarian thrown into modern times is non-existent with him spendin’ most the time in a reporter’s bed before the bad guys rush to throw themselves on his sword to complete his revenge before the credits roll. Severed limbs, hand accessories, sorceresses, throat slittin’, time travelin’, barbarian mugging’s, bathin’ boobs in the river, magical swords, rooftop brawls, lovesick sidekicks, and protective crystals! 2/5!  

ytimeTIME WALKER (1982)

A mummified alien covered in deadly green fungus is awaken with an overdose of x-rays and hunts down college students who unknowingly stole his space crystals for tacky jewelry. A descent flick that keeps good pace with an entertaining enough story, I would like to have seen more gore and scarier cinematography. Egyptian stock footage, deadly molds, slow motion bitch slaps, alien radio blueprints, stalkers capturing their prey with engagement rings for giants, fatal freefalls, x-ray accidents, E.T. phones home, and amputations. 3/5! 

ztoallgoodTO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980)

Some guys sneak into a sorority house to jingle some babes’ bells over Christmas break, but eventually figure out a lunatic in a Santa suit is out to punish them for a girl’s death during a hazing prank 2 years earlier. To sum this up on the back of a VHS box, this is essentially Friday the 13th meets Christmas, but without the same tension, pacing, or escalation so expertly executed by Sean Cunningham. Boring characters, a so-so killer, and I hate how the story didn’t stay within one night. Games of hide and seek the body, fatal freefalls, mental breakdown dancin’, cups of roofy milk, throat slitting, virgin bangin’, stabbings, armor ambush, crossbows, decapitations, heads hung in the shower, propeller deaths, and strangulations! 2/5!

ztotTOTEM (1999)

Six teens are magically drawn to a mysterious cabin where they’re forced to complete an ancient ritual for unleashing three totem creatures prophesized to bring an age of fire and blood upon the world. First off, this has NO relation to the totems seen in the Puppet Master movies! With that said, this is a genuinely interesting story, but it doesn’t feel like it really has a beginning. There’s not a main character you can easily stick with for experiencing the movie, the camera’s sea sick the whole time, and the ensemble of characters lack chemistry. I also think the monsters in this should have been full scale beasts instead of tiny terrors with about as much movement as a Mexican action figure. Still a good story though! 3/5!

TRAIN TO BUSAN (2016)

In this South Korean disaster flick, someone decided they wanted to see World War Z on a train full of family drama as a workaholic father fights the spastic undead and asshole passengers to ensure his little girl makes it to Busan, the last remainin’ safe zone durin’ a zombie outbreak. This flick takes a note from The Walking Dead and puts the focus on the characters rather than any special effects gore (worst you’ll see are hand bites), givin’ us a harder hit to our emotions ‘stead of our guts. While the zombies are nothin’ groundbreakin’, they do have a different gimmick with bein’ completely blind in the dark and relyin’ on sound to kill anythin’ still alive at these points. Terminal massacres, train car massacres, restroom hidey holes, instant zombie transformations, hysterical passengers, zombie roadkill, runaway trains on fire, baseball bats vs zombies, zombie chains, snipers, explosions, and stowaways! 4/5

TRANCERS (1984)

A sci-fi doesn’t get more convoluted than troopers from the future genetically time travelin’ to Christmas 1985 to whoop up on a fugitive psychic capable of turnin’ folk into obedient zombies called trancers. Armed with hair gel and a watch that slows time, Jack Deth’s consciousness is dumped into his identical ancestor’s body then races to rescue future leaders’ 20th century family members before they’re assassinated and change the future. The story has some plot holes and might be over the average viewers’ head, but this flick’s easily entertainin’ with Tim Thomerson’s tough guy act combined with rabid Santas and Helen Hunt. Over the top moped chases, explodin’ bodies, time travel, older men in little girls’ bodies, mad Santas, diner chaos, lasers pistols, divin’ for the lost city of L.A., bum baseball, disintegratin’ corpses, duper watches, tan traps, mad cops, and dry hair’s for squids! 3/5!

TRANCERS 2: THE RETURN OF JACK DETH (1991)

Much to everyone’s surprise, the evil zombie makin’ psychic from the last movie has a time jumpin’ brother startin’ his own trancer farm in 1991, and Jack Deth is back on the job! As if the last movie wasn’t complicated enough, this sequel introduces time vessels that only move backward, polygamist love triangles with Jack’s trancer huntin’ wife back from the dead, and sinister plots involvin’ asylums bein’ turned into zombie cult farms! Regardless of all that, this is still a fun flick that catches up with several returnin’ characters with a genuine chemistry I enjoy watchin’. Almost all of Jack’s lines are t-shirt quotes, the cinematography looks more epic, and the castin’ is praise worthy. Only real complaint is all the close-ups of people talkin’ directly at the camera when havin’ conversations with others. Mad gardeners, fire truck collections, classic Corvettes, broken time vessels, older men in teenage girls, calcified corpses, assaults with plants, forklift fightin’, sister wives, asylum escape plans, villainous infomercials, pitchfork impalements, Jeffrey Combs as a right hand man, sizzlin’ interviews with Barbara Crampton, and we learn cold hot dogs make the best bum bait! 3/5!

TRANCERS 3: DETH LIVES! (1992)

Future powers sling Jack Deth through the timeline again and spit him out in 2005 to stop some orgasmic trancer experiments conducted by a government doctor with a fetish for bein’ called mother. This is the simplest Trancer story yet with basic time machines, and trancers are nothin’ more complicated than super soldiers who can go into ‘roid rages at the flip of a switch. Only complaint I got is not seein’ enough of Jack’s new partner Shark, a kick-ass lookin’ cyborg from the future. Bar brawl executions, a blip of Christmas, uncomfortable sex scenes with the bad guy wantin’ to be called mama and daddy, cyborg shoot-outs, impalements, stabbin’s, neck breakin’, gunshots to the head and gut, throat rippin’, rebel camps, and secret underground labs! 3/5! 

TRANCERS 4: JACK OF SWORDS (1994)

Jack Deth’s given his next trancer assignment, but a glitch with his time machine strands him in alternate medieval dimension full of magic and rebels figthin’ a royal empire of vampire trancers. A straightfoward plot that ain’t bogged down in a lot of sci-fi bullshit, this is like Full Moon’s version of Army of Darkness with Deth as the wise crackin’ blow-hard from the future rattlin’ some primitive culture. The Trancer series starts to fall into the trappin’s of a sequel with it parodyin’ itself with this entry, but it’s a welcome change up that makes it more enjoyable to watch with everyone lookin’ like they’re just havin’ fun makin’ a movie. Helps overlook some flat actin’, lackluster sound effects, and the fact the filmmakers don’t even bother bringin’ Shark back except for a piece of scrap from an unseen fight. Mood color deaths, father-son drama, secret passageways, rebel scum, wizards in the sky, fortune tellin’ art, bar brawl, alien stowaways, time machine crashes, android head lamps, puny pew pew lasers, castles, sword fightin’, slave girl boobs, and the funniest scene is Deth fightin’ in slow motion thanks to his malfunctioning watch! 3/5! 

TRANCERS 5: SUDDEN DETH (1994)

Still stuck in an alternate medieval dimension where vampire trancers are in power, Deth’s only hope to return home is a reality bendin’ tiamond hidden deep in the infamous Castle of Unrelentin’ Terror. Lucky for Deth, unrelentin’ terror comes in the form of fake orgies, zombies playin’ Jack Says, and trancer dopplegangers who put up as much of a fight as classic NES bosses. Regardless, the movie continues the fun attitude from the last flick with humorous character interactions and plenty of new t-shirt quotes from Deth. Only thing I gotta criticize this flick for is how it manages to film one of the most awkward happy endin’s I’ve ever seen captured on celluloid. Allies with benefits, possessions, well read resurrections, impalements, no boobs, monster arm props, chest rippin’, swordplay, castle invasions, fortune tellin’ art, lasers, interdimensional travel, and the greatest prop to ever be used for a weapon, an everyday butterfly knife that can cut through anything . . . offscreen of course! 3/5! 

TRANCERS 6 (2015)

Jack Deth returns to his trancer huntin’ beat and is time spun down his bloodline into the body of his 21st century daughter, Jo Deth. A compound of runaways has a trancer makin’ meteorite, and Jack’s gotta protect his daughter while shuttin’ down their operation or risk a time paradox with his future erased. Luckily this is a Trancers sequel, so you’re already prompted to give a shit with the flick’s impressive idea for continuing the series along with its constant reminders of Tim Thomerson’s memorable performance. Otherwise, this is just an okay film with nuggets of impressive effects and lots of soulless actin’ that makes Siri on your phone sound like an Oscar contender. Aliens in disguise, lasers to the eyes, mutant science experiments, eye gougin’, heads blown off, mouth foam, shoot ’em ups, explosive meteors, watches that slow time, hot dogs are gateways to cult lifestyles, arms ripped off, vanishin’ vans, time ripples, hookers’ revenge, overkill executions, and Tim Thomerson is replaced with greatest hit clips and body doubles. 3/5! 

TRANCERS: CITY OF LOST ANGELS (1988/2013)

Jack Deth is still enjoyin’ his new life in the 1980s when one of his enemies from the future escapes custody and time travels Jack’s way for revenge. A short film, this was part of the Pulse Pounders anthology that was planned for release in the ’80s but didn’t see the light of day ’til decades later. As the first true sequel to the original Trancers film, it’s well worth a watch as a film that successfully mixes up every kind of genre like action, drama, sci-fi, film noir, and even prison flicks. Time assassins, genetic time travel, prison breaks, grown men in young girls, fatal freefalls, drinkin’ minors, wet dames, and no trancers! 4/5!

ytrickTRICK OR TREATS (1982)

A struggling actress earns some cash babysitting a prank obsessed young’n on Halloween night, and that’s . . . that’s pretty much it. Oh, wait. There’s a whole subplot involving the brat’s mom committing his dad so she could roll in the sheets with David Carradine, but this doesn’t payoff until the end when the dad escapes the loony bin looking for revenge, finding the babysitter to scare the last 15 minutes of the film when he returns home. A longwinded loony chase, phone calls with medieval knights, bad disguises, trick or treaters, childish pranks galore, and 1 hot blonde to help get you through this farce of a slasher film. 2/5!

zzzzzTRILOGY OF TERROR (1975)

This film is better known as Karen Black’s acting demo, ’cause she plays 4 different leading roles in this anthology of twist endings. First, Karen shows us she can play a meek teacher who turns the tables on a sexual predator blackmailing her with erotic date drug photospreads. Then she plays twin sisters feudin’ with voodoo hoodoo, followed by playin’ a normal gal defendin’ herself against a hyped up fetish doll she accidentally brings to life. The first tale feels incomplete like the middle part’s been axed, you can easily guess the twist ending for the sisters, and the killer tribal doll steals the whole movie as an unforgettably spastic ankle biter. 3/5!

ytrophTROPHY HEADS (2014)

A fan of yesteryear’s Scream Queens takes his love too far when he starts abducting horror’s favorite vixens and kills them while recreating scenes from their popular films. I didn’t know what to expect from this film, but it’s a slam-dunk! It’s a unique story, has such an iconic scene with the killer mounting the girl’s heads, the Scream Queens are better than ever as fictional versions of themselves, and the killer’s acting is remarkable how it carries a scene. Arrows to the back, cattle prods, decapitations, fatal cosplay, hurlin’ bowling balls, super-glued fangs, Stuart Gordon cameos, sinister auditions, boobs in cages, melted faces, and nuts! 5/5!

ZTURBOTURBO KID (2015)

It’s Rad meets the Road Warrior with heart! This love letter to 80’s nostalgia gives ya plenty of splatter and laughs and plays straight with convincing characters you can really invest in. Word to the uninformed, it helps to go into this knowing the kid lives in world of robots. 5/5!

 

ztuskTUSK (2014)

A smart-ass podcaster meets with an eccentric old man for his life story, but ends up roofied and surgically transformed into a walrus for the senior slasher to make amends with his dark past. Disturbin’, original, and dark, this film is right up there with Human Centipede, Audition, and Cannibal Holocaust. While tapping into the torture porn vein of horror, writer/director Kevin Smith gives it true depth with the killer’s motivation and the podcaster’s emotional and mental breakdown as he succumbs to the insanity that is this film. The endin’ is all I have to bitch about which makes no fuckin’ sense after the podcaster is rescued and had me screamin’ at the screen! Big gulps, Canadian she-clerks, walrus boners, flesh sewn walrus suits, walrus-men corpses, leg amputations, affairs, swimming lessons, tusk to tusk combat, aquatic dancing, fish diets, and Johnny Deep as his favorite goofball manhunter! 4/5!

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