S – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

THE SAND (2015)

When classmates wake up on the beach after partyin’ all night, they’re horrified to learn somethin’ alien is hidin’ under the sand and digestin’ folks with its follicle touch. Like the world’s deadliest game of lava, the remainin’ survivors must put their melodrama aside and leap frog their way to safety. This is such an easy premise to fuck up, but the filmmakers effectively pull off a successful monster flick that shows how much can be done with so little. Of course a lot of this success is owed to the actin’ which is gold as far as I’m concerned. The gore and monster is so-so CGI, but it doesn’t distract from the tension or plot. Dick art on folks’ faces, canned students, high school datin’ drama, trunks closed on fingers, puss oozin’ gut wounds, bloody dissolved victims, mace and banana defenses, boobs, and Jamie Kennedy plays the useless authority figure! 4/5! 


Haylie Duff adopts her recently orphaned niece and finds out she has super powers a hush hush operation wants to weaponize like telekinesis and the ability to manifest her own version of a guardian boogeyman, the Sandman. An all around sweet film with firm actin’, sharp cinematography, a cool lookin’ monster, and thoughtful nods to past sci-fi horrors that influenced it, there’s very little sours to bitch about. I just feel Duff’s boyfriend’s fate should have been played up a little differently with him bein’ more of an asshole, and I hate how the niece is terrified of the Sandman yet he’s savin’ her from everyone tryin’ to hurt her, sometimes under her own command! Sandblasted deaths, impalements, face slashin’, explodin’ heads, chest burstin’, extreme dry-heavin’, telekinetic balls and door slams, silly CGI sandstorms, Tobin Bell stars as the bad guy, and Freddy Krueger rules with Tina save the day! 4/5! 

zclawsSANTA CLAWS (1996)

A Scream Queens Illustrated model is so distracted by her cheating husband and nudie picture job, she has no idea her goofball neighbor is a deranged fan killin’ everyone around her so he can have her all to himself for Christmas. This is pretty low-budget skin flick slasher, but despite some over the top acting, boobs galore, and the killer Santa welding a cheap cultivator for his instrument of destruction, the filmmakers do have a legitimate story with some merit as we follow the creepy neighbor’s journey into obsession turned ugly. Blondes in the bath, nudie video shoots, deaths in the dressing room, roofied kids, Scream Queen shrines, softcore bangin’, killer Santas, funny acting, slobs in the sack with models, stabbings, and youngn’s with guns! 3/5! 

z09SANTA’S SLAY (2005)

Wrestling’s Goldberg gives his greatest performance as a Krampus-like Santa who tears through a small town in search of the angel who cursed him to deliver gifts to good youngn’s for a millennia. Nothing but sick Christmas fun here I watch without fail every year! Strip club massacres, stop-motion flashbacks, hands forked to tables, dinner massacres, Fran Drescher on fire, impaled by menorahs, eggnog drownin’, James Caan stuffed to death, head bashings, Santa panic rooms, police station massacres, grandpas run over by hell deer, bazooka huntin’, punted dogs, and epic curlin’! 5/5!


This film is like watching a porno without the porn! A satanic rhinestone janitor has his sites set on a group of sassy cheerleaders and kidnaps them for his dark pleasure. His Satan lovin’ friends have different plans, however, and prepare the girls for their first human sacrifice, not realizing one of them may very well be the devil incarnate! Campy acting, peeps of nudity with side boobs, and a 2 song soundtrack stuck on a loop you’re either gonna love or hate like this movie. Rival school pranks, sick’em dogs, water balloon wars, TP’d football fields, shower peep holes, offroad kidnappings, and games of beach chicken! 3/5!


A woman dies under mysterious circumstances, and her sister investigates the suspicious academy she was enrolled at for answers. Before long, she realizes she’s in over her head as she finds out the students are under a satanic spell that makes them femme fatales for a teacher who claims to be Satan reincarnate. Not a bad made for TV movie overall, but it has zero scares, zero satanic imagery (minus fire and a silly cloak), and plays like an episode of  Charlie’s Angels, which makes sense, because those same people made this movie and even cast a couple of future angels in this! Hangin’ deaths, satanic sticks, unnerving paintings, rats in mazes, mass suicides, old bats revertin’ to young fawns, drownings, and Nancy Drew gumshoe’n! 3/5!


Like the original made for TV flick, this small screen movie of the week is a chick investigatin’ her sister’s seemingly suicidal death, tracin’ the mystery back to a college where dark forces plot a rise to power. Influenced by such hits at the time like The Skulls and The Craft, the devil worshippin’ cult is now a secret coven of witches on the academic warpath, castin’ CGI spells left and right against anyone tryin’ to stop them from livin’ like a Rockefeller. Overall, this is a decent chick flick with red herrings and steady twists and reveals. Only complaint I got is how the emotional core of this story is supposed to be a murder mystery but it’s grossly overshadowed by a conspiracy mystery. CGI lightnin’ bolts, wolf transformations, folks flung through the air, fun with pyrokinesis, slit wrists, red eyes, evil birds, goth chicks with bad rep, inconvenient convertibles, teacher’s pet with benefits, and witchy rituals! 3/5!

zscareSCARE ZONE (2009)

A strip-mall haunted house opens its doors for Halloween but gets too real as a love-sick psychopath makes its performers a permanent part of the gory scenery inside. A fun film that never drags, the weirdest thing about this flick is it’s shot, lit, and scored like a Goosebumps episode, if Goosebumps had boobs and gore. Chainsaws vs aluminum bats, roadside skeletons, tramp vamps, back stabbings, creepy Christmas shops, cemetery romances, garden rakes to the face, disembowelments, cleavers to the neck, arms nailed, melted teens, decapitations, goth cutting, chainsaw chases, obsessed stalkers, and milf cleavages! 3/5!


A soon-to-be-wed couple invites their friends to their marriage in the boonies with a weekend getaway at a swank cabin, but someone ain’t happy about it and slashin’ folks left and right. The cinematography is crisp, and the story’s decent enough, but the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired and derails a lot of the tension for lukewarm laughs. I’m still not certain I can even begin to understand the killer’s motive once they’re revealed! Stabs to the crotch, huntin’ with arrows, shower slashin’, boobs, sabotaged insulin, axed arms, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, red herrin’s, bogus scares gettin’ a facial, and road head! 3/5!


Spoiler alert, Scream Freaks! When a couple of inbred young’ns randomly drown in a kiddie pool for absolutely no reason, their incestuous dad/brother blocks out the details and starts cosplayin’ as a serial killin’ child to figure out why he only gets a boner for his horndog sister. What the fuck, indeed! This flick looks great, has really good actin’, and a nice enough escalation of danger, but wow, the story just collapses in itself with the ridiculous reveal at the end and it’s only further complicated by the sister’s elaborate manipulation of her brother. Stabbin’s, creepy rhymes, deadly dress-up, kidnappin’s, marital hostages, sexual freak-outs, movie theater nymphos, people helpin’ themselves to strangers’ books and readin’ them out loud, slasher scrapbook souvenirs, saran wrap deaths, internet datin’ no-nos, and Kari Wuhrer bares both her talents for a second! Barely 3/5! 

SEE NO EVIL 2 (2014)

WWE decides to bring Kane back as the Bible-thumpin’ slasher, Jacob Goodnight, and drops him in a morgue where he avoids his autopsy in time to chase Danielle Harris as a birthday girl mortician fightin’ to keep her friends from bein’ choke slammed to death. Directed by the Soska sisters, this is a terrific love letter to ’80s slasher flicks that’s a bunch of fun thanks to slick camera work, a rockin’ soundtrack, and one of the best gang of victims ever captured on celluloid, the best bein’ American Mary‘s Katharine Isabelle givin’ the spaziest freak out performance of her career! Sadly, I feel Goodnight leaves a lot to be desired as a memorable character you wanna see any more of. Fishin’ for cripples, dead slasher fetishes, chokeslams, door bustin’, urban legend endin’s, bogus scare stiffs, embalmin’ fluid gore, head crushin’, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, surgical tools through the chest, knock knock deaths, abusive flashbacks, strangulations, bangin’ without boobs, and lame crucifications! 4/5!  


Amy Smart and her new husband are tryin’ to enjoy their Chinese honeymoon, but a village cabbie abandons them as sacrifices to a bunch of naked ghost guys tearin’ through the boonies for a bite to eat whenever the 7th full moon of the lunar cycle rises. I hate this film. Mostly because it looks like the cameraman is tryin’ to cope with Parkinsons and ADD at the same time, and the edits were fast and flyin’ like someone on a cocaine rush did it. I can overlook all that if there’s a strong enough story mind ya, but this is a perfect example of no story gettin’ in the way of a Tom and Jerry plot. Doesn’t help Amy Smart and her co-star had zero chemistry either. Finger stabbin’, mauled pedestrians, barn brawls, underworld gateways in caves, confusin’ sex with zip nudity, and one half eaten dog hangin’ on to dear life! 2/5!

ymov8THE SHALLOWS (2016) 

A surfer chick is knocked off her board by one bogus big-ass shark at a secluded beach and plays the most fatal game of leap frog back to shore. Blake Lively proves 2 things in this movie; She has one of the best asses in Hollywood, and she has the acting chops for carrying a whole movie by herself (with a little support from co-star, Steven Seagull). Never a dull moment, this film proves even the simplest story about tides can be told in the most exciting ways but skimps on a lot of the gory shark chomping action we wanted to see more of. Surfing montages, buddy horror seagulls, gutsy drunks, GoPro deaths, dolphins, jellyfish, flaming sharks, squishy crabs, and dead whales. 4/5! 


A bangin’ gang of beauties behind bars escape their swamp litter duties and must outwit a prehistoric land shark for their freedom. First and foremost, this is a pretty well-made film about well groomed prisoners outrunnin’ a dino shark accidentally released from underwater caves bein’ mined. However, this is a made for TV flick, so no boobs and very limited gore. Biggest criticism has got to be Traci Lords’ pointless role as a peripheral slack jaw agent who barely interacts with the film much less have any impact. Lesbo lovers, 4x4s vs land sharks, explosive shark bait dummies, instant romances, bikinis in the hot tub, girls with guns, and cave raftin’. 3/5! 

zsharkSHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! (2015)

As soon as Fin Shepard is recognized by the U.S. president for his heroic efforts battling airborne sharks in the last 2 films, an onslaught of sharknados start spamming all over the east coast, slowly merging into one devastating sharkicane. With the help of nomadic sharknado hunters, a chainsaw limbed prego, and David “Rocketman” Hasselhoff, Fin once again races to end the unnatural disaster no one can explain. Pushing the humor more than ever from James Bond gags to sharks in space, this guilty pleasure is just good ol’ fashion shits and giggles fun that recognizes its absurdity without making a spoof of itself. Double chainsaws, gold chainsaws, chainsaw hands, roller coaster sharks, Nascar sharks, Jaws impersonators, White House sunk, celebrity fish food, mascara guns, shark meteors, space births, pregos in space, and destruction to both Universal Studios destruction and Washington D.C. destruction! 5/5!


5 years after the events of Sharknado 3, sharknados are back and crazier than ever with only Fin Shepard and his shark hating family to put an end to them before they destroy America. We get an unexpected but much appreciated departure from previous Sharknado story formulas with this sequel, but the damn filmmakers continue avoiding how the sharknados are even happening which could make for a great story with a mastermind villain behind it all. My biggest complaint, however, are the sharks’ lack of ferocity that always left us knowing anyone could die at anytime. SandSharknados, bouldernados, cownados, oilnados, firenados, nuclearnados, giant balls of twine with teeth, sky-diving marriages, Las Vegas chaos, Chicago chaos, Kansas chaos, Niagara Falls chaos, Busey science jumbo, bimbo terminators, Wizard of Oz gags, chainsaw exo-suits, Texas Chainsaw reunions, nesting shark gags, sharkfibulators, CGI hand tools, boys in barrels, kiddie chainsaws, chainsaw swords, and Lloyd Kaufman screams, “Nuke’em High!” 4/5!


The discovery of a magical relic unleashes teleportin’ sharknados around the world, one of which sucks up Fin Shepard’s son, sendin’ pop culture’s newest chainsaw champ on a global goose chase with the help of a cyborg bimbo, a sisterhood of she-shark killers, and numerous celebrities. The series has made the logical jump to the next natural expansion of their epic, but I’m startin’ to feel the franchise runnin’ dry despite teases at sharknado time travelin’ in up comin’ sequels. This isn’t quite as funny as previous Sharknados I’m sad to say, and I’m willin’ to blame that on Ian Ziering bein’ saddled with Tara Reid the whole movie, who he has zero chemistry with. I would much rather see him teamed up with Cassie Scerbo playin’ Nova again. She acted her heart out in this thing and is a much preferable hero to a screamin’ cartoon character. Indiana Jones nods, Sydney Opera House battle station, lasers, crushed bystanders, limb rippin’, mutant shark-zillas, portal chases, car chases, American Werewolf in London nods, London chaos, Tokyo chaos, Italy chaos, Rio chaos, Australia chaos, Egypt chaos, shark-nami, Fabio as the Pope, holy chainsaws, whirlwind young’ns, apocalypse shark, blimp wrecks, time travelin’ jeeps, decapitations, rebuilt bimbos, avalanches chaos, and bimbo copters! 3/5! 


After Derek’s younger brother is spooked by an angry geezer on a shortcut home through the woods, he puts on his gumshoes and investigates the town’s legendary loon who may be killin’ the neighborhood dogs. Produced by Adam Sandler and co-starrin’ James Franco’s brother, this flick has all the elements for an effective scare with crisp cinematography and convincin’ actors, but the tension unfortunately fizzles out halfway through due to a thin story that lacks an escalation of danger that doesn’t pick up ’til the last few minutes. Dead dogs, slingshot deaths, captive family members, smashed hands, head bashin’, sledgehammer violence, rear endin’, gunplay, and homicidal family secrets! 3/5! 

yshriekSHRIEKER (1998)

College squatters in an abandoned hospital take turns pointing fingers at who they think is summoning a teleporting creature for human sacrifices. Surely someone’s first time making a film, this waste of a monster movie is riddled with less than exciting cinematography, horrible dialogue, a sleep inducing score, leads who can’t act their way out a sliding door, and about zip screen time with the monster. Evil spells, squatter code of ethics, commie bitches, homophobes, supernatural assassinations, recycled monster footage, and clawing. 2/5!


Half of this Z-grade flick is ’bout three strangers enactin’ the buddy system to hike the Carolina boonies durin’ the stompin’ zombie apocalypse . . . the other half are completely separate hodge podge shorts of nobodies gettin’ eaten by zombies that have nothin’ to do with the other half. Either the filmmakers didn’t know which film they wanted to make or they came up with some ambitious filler for paddin’ this baby out to meet the qualifications of a feature film. Even with a choppy plot and sins against the camera’s 180 rule, however, the actin’s alright, the gore is messy with some effective stabbin’s, there’s an original head bangin’ tune, and we get some new zombie lore ’bout the undead steerin’ clear of shit. Decapitations, arrows to the nuts, acid laced meat treats, attempted rape, bitin’, can on a string alarm systems, explodin’ heads, head stabbin’, treehouse forts, ceptic defenses, stabbin’s, gun fights, camper boobs, flashers, disembowelments, blows to the vagina, and dumpster forts! 2/5! 


A gang of flawed teens tour a travelin’ freakshow where the ringleader suckers them into becomin’ their own sinful oddities. For a pretty hackneyed premise, this Fred Olen Ray directed flick successfully provides some good ol’ fashion entertainment that offers convincin’ enough characters, a compellin’ story, and memorable freaks and effects. Only thing I have to bitch about is some confusion over some of the freaks’ abilities like how Digestina exactly eats and what it is the Inside Out Girl can do without her skin. Total Recall chest mutants, bug boys cosplayin’ as the Invisible Man, girls takin’ all their skin off, topless reflux tub chicks, livin’ dolls, bangin’ bods without faces, gnarly canary men, face meltin’, beast boys, cripples, midget ringleaders, transformation tubes, snake cuddlers, and Brinke Stevens as one hot fortune teller! 4/5!  

ysilentSILENT MADNESS (1984)

The wrong psychopath is discharged from an asylum and only 1 milf doctor with any moral fiber sets out to find him before he seeks revenge on the sorority that made him snap in the first place. This is a good story in concept but really needed to pump up the excitement and give us more horror. Plays out more like an episode of Matlock or Murder She Wrote. Drilled heads, cattle prodin’s that sound like farts, shaggin’ wagons, Dragon’s Lair gamin’, flashback spankin’s, strung up gravity boot deaths, seedy orderlies, newspaper editors to the rescue, epic fail 3-D gags, protective mothers, and shotgun trick shots. 2/5!


After young Billy witnesses his parents being killed and molested by a criminal dressed as Santa, his grip on sanity slips around Christmas time and being raised by abusive nuns in an orphanage doesn’t help any. Billy’s pent up holiday trauma is triggered years later while wearing a Santa suit, and he takes it upon himself to pick up an axe and punish the naughty overnight! I personally love watching these kind of origin stories when we see the movie through the killer’s eyes and kind of sympathize for them as tragic figures we can all eerily relate to on some disturbing level. Love the story, love the characters, and it’s ’80s slasher gold from its gory deaths and boobs and successfully keeps up the Christmas atmosphere throughout the film. Fatal gunshots, carved flesh, strangulations, decapitations, topless impalements on decorative antlers, flying axes, box cutter gifts, fatal freefalls with glass, Santa hunts, Linnea Quigley death, peeping tom youngn’s, punched out Santas, gunned down Santas, fatal sledding, attempted rapes, bitch nuns, stabbings, bows and arrows, axes to the chest, hammered deaths, and grandpa gives the best Christmas monologue ever committed to celluloid! 5/5!


Screwed up by a past riddled with horrific holidays, Ricky experiences the same homicidal triggers that sent his brother on a killin’ spree as Santa in part one and lands himself in prison after pretendin’ his neighborhood is Hogan’s Alley. As Christmas Eve rolls ’round, he escapes and focuses his cosplay Santa rage on the strict nun who punished him and his brother at the orphanage they grew up at. Cashin’ in on sequels bein’ the thing to do at the time, the filmmakers made this flick fast and dirty with the first half of the movie bein’ a CliffsNotes high light reel of the first SNDN. Hell, the filmmakers even recycle clips from the first part as a movie Ricky watches at a movie theater! When we do finally start Ricky’s story, it’s written pretty straight, but the execution is laughable thanks to Eric Freeman’s cornball performance as Ricky and the filmmakers’ lack of commitment for makin’ anything special in a good way. Not as bad as the internet claims, but be ready with that fastforward button at first. Garbage day memes, naughty theater goers, Batman pop-up tricks, attempted rape, recycled boob shots of Linnea Quigley, decapitations, strangulations with car antennas, stabbin’s with umbrellas, human roadkill, nun-o-phobias, fugly handicap nuns, eye explosions, car battery deaths, and gunned down Santa posers! 3/5!

zsirenSIREN (2016)

The seductive monster chick from V/H/S gets her own movie, and it’s pretty damn good! A guilt conscious fiance takes his bachelor party to a whorehouse of horrors and is compelled to free a mysterious woman bein’ held against her will, mind fuckin’ customers through a window. With her pimp hot on his trail, the bachelor regrets becomin’ a backwoods target as he soon finds out the girl is a possessive demon with a penchant for murder and kinky sex. Great characters who hold your interest, creative story elements, and one memorable monster that’s up there with the chick from Splice. Memory cocktails, fat ass strippers, cults, whipped girls, leech hairdos, crowbars hammered through kneecaps, men anally rapped by winged monsters, people mauled, and impalements! 4/5!


A trio of thieves invade a weirdo family’s Italian castle as Hollywood posers and uncover some bizarre secrets durin’ their heist with supernatural consequences. While this Full Moon flick promotes the puppeteered creatures in the headline, all the B-movie gimmicks are saved ’til the very end. The real star is Full Moon babe, Robin Sydney, who gives breasts and soul playin’ a retarded gal full of mixed emotions. Superbly lit and shot with all around decent actin’, the best scene is this subdued moment of horror as a guy helplessly watches his family eat his favorite livestock friend for dinner. Dungeons of discipline, cryptic grandpas, sugar skull guardians with laser eyes, sexual harassment in the workplace, bloody cannibal kisses, zombie incest, possible possessions, and Robin Sydney topless! 3/5!


This review shouldn’t even be in here, because this is not a horror film. It’s labeled a horror, but this is really a snooze drama that must have been remarketed once its bit actor, Robert Englund, hit it big as Freddy. Robert plays a college drop-out hippie who sends a postcard to some ol’ school buddies, invitin’ them to his side of the mountain where things are great. After a long trek, skinny dippin’, Yogi Bear picnic thefts, and a horrible album’s worth of some tone deaf woman’s album of yodeling I suspect this flick was the excuse for, the couple are attacked by a couple of rapists who can’t get hard. Robert finally strolls in the last minutes of the movie to soothe the unhappy campers, helps them scare off the rapists with sticks, and the flick ends with a message about needing pain to truly experience the pleasures of life. This shit is a half hour worth of story drug out into a mind numbing feature. 2/5! 


When the county tries taking Lester Bacon’s failing slaughterhouse from him, he and his pig snorting tub o’ son, Buddy, make a hit list of people to skewer while chopping up thrill seeking teens trespassing on their property. Far from great, but nowhere near bad, this ’80s slasher offers a memorable killer, great sets, a rockin’ soundtrack, and a good revenge story with character. Hog carcasses galore, cop car joy ridin’, slaughterhouse music videos, hog festivals, deadly dares, face slashing, hog cuddling, hand chopping, throat slitting, backseat ambushes, hit-and-runs, and victims stuffed alive in a saw machine! 3/5!


Mixin’ The Most Dangerous Game with science softcore fiction, this flick’s about 2 dolled-upped slave girls escapin’ their captives and crashin’ on an alien world where a sadistic host and his robots play hide and hunt with their guests. Unfortunately, this film takes itself a little too serious and offers very little gore and boobs with some pretty half ass effects from the painted lasers to the blue space screens. However, the story is decent, the actin’ is more than tolerable, and there’s some sweet eye candy fightin’ with cool lookin’ aliens and robots. Scantily clad blondes breakin’ chains, spaceship jackin’, decapitations, arrows in the back, topless splashin’, big guns, phantom zones, trophy heads, 2-3 aliens, log talks, explosions, 1 softcore sex scene, Brinke Stevens bares all without showin’ anythin’, and the best part is the hunter’s 2 robots bickerin’ on the beach! 3/5!


A stressed artist is flown to a remote island getaway for some R & R with her closest loved ones, but someone or somethin’ starts slashin’ them one by one as a hurricane blows through. I don’t think this flick really lives up to the bad-ass title. The scenery’s pretty, the kills are wince worthy, and the characters are interestin’ enough to not be a total snooze, but I think there’s too much pissin’ time due to such a small cast, and who or whatever the killer is needs to be explained better. Head bashin’, beach corpses, psych-out dreams, human matchsticks with flare guns to the chest, hangin’s, borin’ games of Marko Polo, corpse climbin’ crabs, pitchforked boobs, fishin’ hooks to the face, possible dreamworld slippin’ killers, possible sleepwalkin’, mulligan teased endin’s, decapitated pillow talk, heads stuck in cellar doors, possible premonitions, and one crazy lookin’ puppet prop monster! 2/5!


A slasher is loose at Camp Arawak and nervous campers suspect young Ricky and his oddball cousin Angela have somethin’ to do with it. The only other successful film series outside of Friday the 13th to make you afraid of summer camp, this cult classic offers memorable kills and one fucked up endin’ that’s a bit convoluted but makes sense with enough thought put into it. Watch this a second time and ask yourself if the wardrobe and haircuts are all clues to the twisted endin’ that always leaves me wonderin’ why the killer becomes a growlin’ Neanderthal! Back stabbin’, shower slashin’, decapitations, hard boiled pedophile cooks, corpse slitherin’ snakes, bloated bodies, fatal big bites, bathroom traps, boatin’ accidents, young’n deaths, homo-flashbacks, slumber slashin’s, arrows through the neck, and rapes with curlin’ irons! 4/5!


A sportscaster accidentally lands his plane inside a hardenin’ fog and must help a scientist and his daughters save L.A. from an invasion of underdwellin’ slime folk. It’s not a half-bad movie with an interestin’ enough set-up, but so many of the characters were laughably quirky, and the filmmakers completely refused to do anything cool with rubber suit hunchbacks made of slime. Hardened soldiers, studio back lot hideouts, theater bums, dew points, goat carry-ons, buddy system with ropes, fog, fog, and more fog! 3/5! 

SONNY BOY (1989)

A kidnapped baby is raised to be a junkyard mob’s feral assassin, and the town folk wage all out war for his destruction after some pretty mundane hijinks followin’ his escape from the doghouse. The best way to describe this mutt of oddball entertainment is comparin’ it to a calmin’ hypnotic tune with dark lyrics. While this has bizarre characters doin’ weird things, it’s executed as a serious piece of cinema with captivatin’ camera work, and a cast actin’ their asses off to the point of pullin’ unexpected emotions out of ya for Sonny and his fucked up family of criminals. I would have just done away with all of Sonny’s voice over, ponied up the dough for more than one tired tune, nixed the endin’ after the war, and cut back on the run-on scenes where Sonny takes his time actin’ with his eyes. Tongue cuttin’, boobs, maulin’s, motorcycle knife fights, tranq darts, mortars, explosions, firefights, tongue surgeries, thumb bitin’, shotguns to the chest, theft, carjackin’, baby ‘nappin’, feral boy bon fires, ice cream truck transports, pyramid infernos, literal neckin’, sons chained to movin’ cars, Brad Dourif plays top henchman, and it takes David Carradine wearin’ a dress for me to fully appreciate his actin’ chops! 3/5! 


A no strings attached sequel to Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl-O-Rama combined with the story from Nightmare Sisters, this rock bottom Z flick is about a sorority girl hysterically attackin’ pledges from abandoned colleges to empty clubs after bein’ possessed by a retarded demon from a crystal ball. If you don’t mind watchin’ home made VHS movies with horrible line deliveries, zip nudity, shit lightin’, super delayed reactions, and choppy editin’, then you might find this tolerable. Worse offense is there’s no dance-a-thon in this flick unless you count the final fight with the demon on a seizure inducin’ dance floor in an empty night club. Street walker exorcists, droolin’ flesh eaters, new versions of Twister, overnight dares, expensive fog effects, crystal ball séances, fatal deep throats, eye poppin’ effects that take their time, girls’ manic demonic screams, naggin’ old man recipes for demons, cacklin’ girls throwin’ themselves into locked doors, and director Dave DeCoteau as the executive producer! 1/5! 


By the most random of chances, unrelated dangers like disgruntled hicks, escaped convicts, and a blood thirsty monster cursed by a Native American relic converge on a remote cabin in the woods where sorority babes are throwin’ a party. This overly dubbed movie has so much goin’ on, it’s fun just to see how the filmmakers try pullin’ it all together. Seriously, the bad guys in this film have nothin’ to do with each other. They just all happen to cross paths at this cabin with their own agendas rangin’ from takin’ the girls hostage, tellin’ ‘em to knock off all the racket, and sacrificin’ ‘em to supernatural forces. Head rippin’, Native American relics speakin’ perfect English, topless bar dancin’, fatal freefalls, cops shootin’ fugitives, monstrous transformations, monster visions, obsessed fishermen, hot tub fantasies, the longest towel dryin’ scene ever filmed, and one blonde bombshell who bared her tan line talent like clockwork! 3/5!


I never thought I’d say this in a million lifetimes, but this is a Z-grade masterpiece! A kid dicks around on Halloween and finds a cursed statue where witches were rumored to have been executed centuries before. When his brother throws a party and holds a séance, the statue releases a powerful demon that possesses the kid and starts killin’ the teens in gore-tastic ways worthy of any popular slasher flick! This is a shining example for how a small budget feature can be just as good as studio blockbusters, even if it looks homemade on a VHS camera. The story’s solid, the actin’s tolerable, the girls don’t look awkward, you can tell the music had serious thought put into it, the camerawork is fluid, and the special effects are AMAZING for this level of filmmaking’! Highly recommend checkin’ this out if you can find a copy. Séances with Ouija boards, creepy old man guardians, spines ripped out, demonic statues, Evil Dead nods with Necronomi-knockoffs, heads chopped in half, girls sawed in half, explodin’ heads, animated demon spirits, demon-o-vision, painted lightnin’, heads twisted 180, girls ripped apart in the air, dudes sliced in half, head impalements, and possessions. 5/5! 


A bunch of scary short stories with no punch line are woven together by a desolate stretch of desert highway that’s supposed to double for hell or the Twilight Zone or something. We’re given fleeting moments of what could have been great twisted stories, but with no satisfying end for any of them. Cultists with brainwashing meat, amateur surgeons, winking tattoos, and home invasions . . . the only memorable thing about this anthology was the music and flying monsters that bookend the film which has to be one of the eeriest scenes I’ve seen in a long time! 3/5!

ymov4SPECIES (1995)

Aliens send Earth a sample of their DNA with instructions for splicing it with human DNA, creating Sil, one of sci-fi’s hottest women to ever va-va-voom across the screen. Her alien instincts go into overdrive, however, and Sil escapes a U.S. government lab to bang as many Earth men as she can to birth a whole new race of beings that could take over the world. Only a rag tag team of scientists and action hero Michael Madsen can cock-block the alien hybrid’s plans and promote safe sex for humanity. Full of slick cinematography, memorable alien make-ups, likeable characters portrayed by an excellent ensemble of recognizable actors, this movie fires off like a gun from the get-go and keeps us enthralled to the very end. Lots of Natasha Henstringe naked, nipple tentacles, Forest Whitaker’s lazy eye, gooey cocoons, funniest jump scares from squirrels to ambush hobos, limb regeneration, rat deaths, Dr. Octopus sex scenes, flamethrowers, and some serious ’90s hair. 5/5! 

ymov6SPECIES 2 (1998)

The first astronaut to land on Mars is infected by the same alien DNA used to create Sil in the first Species, and hunts all the poontang he can to fuck humanity into extinction. Michael Madsen returns to cock block the alien baby boom and has to keep the space cowboy from hooking up with Sil’s clone, Eve, least they have super alien young’ns who could destroy the world! A good follow up to the original, this offers plenty of fast paced action, charming special effects, and Madsen is just a hoot to watch half-ass his way through this movie with laugh out loud lines. Body horror, exploding pregos, stock-piled young’ns, alien vs alien, alien on alien, tentacle porn, threesomes, CGI in space, Natasha Henstringe shows less hair and less boob, and Madsen wants some goddamn cereal! 4/5!

ymov7SPECIES 3 (2004)

Exchanging well-known actors and pricey government sets for college students and a basement, a university professor snatches Sara, Eve’s full bred alien baby from the last movie, and conducts his own species preserving experiments at his house. With the help of a college student, they must protect Sara from decaying half-breeds spawned in the last film who want to rape her with their tentacles. A descent switch up to keep the series fresh while pushing the overall story of the aliens forward, this is a little slower than the first 2 films and not quite as epic but does offer convincing characters and special effects alien action. Sexy chess, creepiest cocoon husks, awkward death scenes, dumbest disposal of bodies, tentacle guts, death by tongue, alien rapes, boobs, dead cats, instant books, the most elaborate alien web scam ever, and Natasha Henstringe dies in the first couple of minutes with her clothes on. 3/5!


From government labs to college campuses, the Species series heads south of the border into Mexico as 2 scientists try to save the life of Miranda, an alien DNA experiment who’s reached the end of her lifespan. Saving her life proves difficult, however, as her alien instincts make her deadly horny for mating and maiming while bitch slapping around other genetically enslaved aliens. The writers definitely expand on the Species universe with good ideas exploring how the alien DNA can be used to service mankind, but the storyline and acting was what left this mediocre at best. Tentacle nuns, cross crushing, alien cat fights, sloppy lab work, daddy daughter issues, and the first full alien on man grindin’ action we see in the whole series! 3/5!


It’s House on Haunted Hill meets Willy Wonka as a crossroads demon dishes out poetic punishments to mean spirited contestants stuck in a castle to win a rock’n roll show’s challenge for a million dollars. This is a fun film comprised of a despicable MTV generation cast, imaginative kills, wicked monsters, and a corny but catchy soundtrack. Only complaint I got is the lame fatal freefall death. Pig man transformations, monster dogs, dungeons of zombies, rock video stars, demonic VJs, peek-a-boobies, monstrous chairs, monstrous paintin’s, fatal freefalls, cock teases in the shower, electric traps, and livin’ suits of armor with boogers inside! 4/5! 

SPIDERS 3D (2013)

The government splices CGI spiders with alien DNA to weaponize their indestructible webbin’, but the experiment gets out of control when one of their secret space labs crash lands in a subway system and big-ass spiders start claimin’ their territory for their bigger-ass queen. The effects are pretty damn good, the cinematography is crisp, and the story is well developed, but what really hurts this creature feature are borin’ characters who just aren’t all that interestin’ or fun to watch. A better version to compare this to is Big Ass Spider! Government cover-ups, Russian scientists, virus scares, crushed baby sitters, army vs monster action, corpses full of spider eggs, spider bites, and spider swarms! 3/5! 

zsplintSPLINTER (2008)

White trash criminals run for the border with hostages but get a monkey wrench thrown in their plans when they end up trapped in a rural gas station under attack by a infectious alien virus. The Thing meets Tremors, this underrated flick modestly delivers the action, gore, and monsters with an amazing cast of characters that are anything but cookie cutter horror clichés. Roadkill dogs, spikes galore, amateur amputations, decoy fireworks, frigid escape plans, recycled corpses, blood thirsty hands, and big bang suicides! 4/5!

zspltSPLIT (2016)

A guy with 23 split personalities kidnaps a group of girls and prepares them for bein’ teeny bopper meals to a new emergin’ personality, a monstrous creation called the Beast. I have to give credit to M. Night Shamalongadingdong for presentin’ some new ideas regardin’ split personality disorders I’ve never heard before, and a big praise to James McAvoy for takin’ on such a challengin’ role. He only plays 9 of the 24 personalities, but those 9 help solidify him as an outstandin’ actor. Even more impressive is how well Anya Taylor-Joy managed to not be overshadowed by James’ performance, provin’ herself to be a hall of fame breed of last girl in her growin’ list of horror credits. Only complaint is I didn’t exactly feel the tension in this film, and by the end, I wanted to see Anya defeat her abuser at home more than the nutjob keepin’ her trapped in a basement. Animal trivia, peepee pants, knock-out sprays, disembowelment, crushed seniors, CD jam sessions, dirty uncles, abusive mothers, shotgun blasts to the chest, ventilation escapes, no twist endin’s, Unbreakable nods, etc! 4/5!


A hodge podge group of office co-workers and rock’n roll teenagers crash an abandoned mansion to party but get caught up in a coffee-can talking sorcerer’s game of supernatural sacrifice for keeping his reluctant bride captive. Plenty of comical moments with a Party City’s worth of monsters, boogers, and critters running around, but the story was weak overall with the villain’s master scheme and we can’t relate to the perplexing group of friends. Seductive arachnid women, shriveling corpses, Ouija boards, hanging Halloween witch prop, fugly possessions, explosive grim reapers, boobs that move in all directions at once, farting corpses, instant burials, gift wrapped decapitations, Ghoulie knock-offs, young’ns buried alive, hookmen, and hordes of zombies. 3/5! 


The title sounds way dirtier than this Troma flick actually is, and it’s pretty misleadin’. There was never a Star Worms 1, the worms aren’t in space, and there’s pleasure pods (these poker chip things on people’s heads), but they don’t attack anyone. What this sci-fi cheapo’s really about is a futuristic group of roamin’ convicts stuck minin’ minerals on a prison planet, defendin’ themselves from other nomad gangs, sex hungry wardens, and these flesh burrowin’ whipcord size worms that are barely present. A good effort, the problem with this flick is it’s heavily focused on the convicts, but all the story and drama’s up in the spaceship with the secondary warden characters we don’t give two flyin’ fucks about! The prisoners are the ones we have a stronger connection with as viewers and are anxious to see them make some darin’ escape, but we’re unfortunately left with them keepin’ to their gold diggin’ duties and cliff note endin’s that must have been beyond this thing’s budget. Skinny worm props, furry e.t. critter hugs, spear chuckin’, space laser cannon with batteries not included, psychic pleasurin’ lesbos in space, boobs, and jump cut transportations! 2/5!

STATIC (2012)

A writer and his wife are celebratin’ his newest novel at their rural getaway when they’re suddenly invaded by masked strangers harmlessly corrallin’ them all over the place. This is one of them flicks that’s one big Tom and Jerry runaround but with a twist endin’ that frustratingly makes you question if that suddenly makes it a good movie or not. Nothin’ much to speak of that wouldn’t spoil the movie other than a bunch of people gettin’ whacked with a bat! 3/5! 

ystayawakeTHE STAY AWAKE (1988)

Catholic school girls have the lamest slumber party ever until the ghost of a serial killer comes after them as a foul smelling, Power Rangers lookin’ rat man with tentacles. Biggest mistake this movie made was passing up all the story potential with the girls to focus more on failing at building suspense most the movie with an offensive amount of pissing time of people wandering and ghosts slamming doors. Towels in the shower, spontaneous radio combustions, spontaneous phone combustions, aerobics, volleyball, heart ripping, men in monkey suits, decapitations, firehose strangling, ghost visions, collect calls from the other side, gas chamber executions, and possessions! 2/5!


Hell has a new TV contract for couch potatoes, and it’s 666 channels of soul sucking entertainment! Sure, it’s more family comedy than horror, but this film’s packed with a butt-load of unforgettable horror spoofs, great special effects, well written characters, and John Ritter’s best performance since the Problem Child movies. 5/5!


Terry O’Quinn returns as the mentally unhinged family man who won’t let knives to the chest stop him from havin’ the family he always dreamed of slaughterin’. After escapin’ the mental institution, our favorite demented dad moves into a new neighborhood and is quick to move on a recently separated Meg Foster and her son across the street. New relationships don’t come without their challenges, however, as Meg’s snoopy friends and cheatin’ husband test the evil stepfather’s twisted charade all the way to the blood splattered altar. Not quite as good as the first Stepfather, but a great follow-up none the less. We get to see how the killer manipulates women into these doomed relationships, and Terry brilliantly brings the crazy as plans keep goin’ bad. Felt Meg Foster’s performance was a bit on the dull side but makes sense the killer would prey on that kind of woman for unholy matrimony. Anger management woodshops, stabbin’s, diorama deaths, strangulations, guards beaten to death with nightsticks, faces slashed with broken bottles, women’s support groups, bodies dumped in car crushers, U.S. Postal sleuthin’, strangulations, bloody weddin’s, and awkward sex scenes! 4/5!


Horror’s deadliest stepdad survives havin’ his chest carved open again, and again, he escapes the mental hospital to find the potentially perfect family needin’ a father figure. With a new face thanks to back alley surgery, he goes through the motions marryin’ a pretty gal with a crippled boy detective on wheels but goes into the expected psychotic spiral when things start fallin’ apart. The Stepfather series is very one note with every sequel bein’ the same story of deceit and manipulation, but it’s always a guilty pleasure to watch the killer frantically keep from gettin’ caught in his complex web of lies and murder. The filmmakers successfully build tension and suspense that keeps me engaged, and while Terry O’Quinn passed on reprising the killer again, the castin’ director gets mad props for hirin’ his replacement, Robert Wightman, who does an amazin’ impersonation. Not only does Robert have incredibly similar features to the original actor, but he mimics O’Quinn’s voice and performance to a criminal T! Only criticisms I’ve got are the lines bein’ delivered like I’m watchin’ a kids program, and how many awkward scenes with kids there are that make this feel like a borderline pedophile horror. Kills with a bone saw, throats slit, impalements, death by rakes, death by shovels, cyber sleuthin’, Easter egg hunts, awkward baby makin’, touchy feely priests, awkward tickle football, anger management with wood choppin’, murder & garden, double life affairs, facial surgeries without anesthesia, deluded exes, marriages at the drop of a hat, and fatal woodchippers! 3/5! 

xstitSTITCHES (2012)

If Sam Raimi and Tim Burton worked together on a killer clown flick, this Irish horror would be it! After accidentally dying at a young kid’s birthday party, Stitches the clown returns from the grave 6 years later to complete his performance with some new deadly gags as the kids reunite for a high school house party. I cannot begin to describe how awesome this movie is! It’s kinetic, beautifully shot, has a memorable cast of characters, unforgettable kills, gore, new ideas I haven’t seen before, and lots of laugh out loud moments! Exploding heads, scooped brains, umbrella deaths, eye gouging, go-go gadget arms, victim seeking nose, ventriloquist corpses, peeping tree house toms, clown funerals, clown sex, eye eating, clown crypt, tricycle chases, eternal eggs, speeding clown cars, and decapitations! 5/5!


Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman are tryin’ to act out an emo drama about relationships, but they’re visited by three masked creepers who taunt them with Tom and Jerry antics the entire movie until an anti-climatic endin’. This slasher flick might have been ruined for me, ’cause it was hyped up so much before I saw it, but as well shot as it is with masterfully orchestrated suspense and WWYD scenes, not a whole lot happens that’s memorable. To make this more interestin’, I would have at least made Liv more of a last girl and given her the upperhand to fight back a couple of times. Obnoxious knockin’, cockblockin’, stabbin’s, shotguns to the face, vandalized rides, demolition driveways, and sneaky slashers! 3/5!


The mysterious masked killers from the first Strangers return and continue their random murder spree spookin’ and slashin’ a ramblin’ family spendin’ the night in a trailer park. Compared to the first movie, the music in this one is more ’80s pop than hipster, the killers are just as anonymous as ever, there’s a higher body count, and we actually have a last girl who fights back. Definitely a step up from the first one, but not without its flaws like most the family seemin’ a little too willin’ to give up and die without so much as a curse word whenever they’re cornered. Throat slicin’, explosions, demolition derby, axe wieldin’ killers, fatal pool duels, fireballs on wheels, Texas Chainsaw Massacre endin’s, stabbin’s, drive-thru homes, car wrecks, and no dogs are harmed! 3/5!  


The title grabs your attention, but simply hypes up a fleetin’ second of the flick when someone contemplates shovin’ Stephanie in an incinerator. The movie’s really about eccentric rich folk spendin’ a weekend gettin’ their rocks off with games of murderous roleplay. Overall, I have a love/hate reaction to this surprisin’ piece of Troma acquired property. I love how the movie keeps you on your toes, makin’ you question everythin’ you think is going on about every 20-30 minutes, but feel fuckin’ cheated by the last reel when everythin’s revealed to be an elaborate game of pretend with a mulligan endin’. Would have been a far better story if we really had the jealous “husband” out to kill his “wife” and her accomplice at the end. 3/5!


Angus Scrimm wears a silly wig and suckles the world’s biggest blood pop as Prejnar’s king vamp until his raspy voice son, Radu, returns home from banishment and kills him with the help of blood monsters grown from his broken fingers. Wastin’ no time, Radu raids his pop’s blood cabinet for his cherished Bloodstone, a relic filled with rich addictive blood that gives him the munchies for college girls tourin’ his Euro-hick town. Unfortunate for Radu, however, his more noble brother already called dibs on one of his bride-to-be college gals and fights for his love and pop’s throne. While the story is a little all too familiar among vampire flicks with bloodsuckers practicin’ politics and polygamy in dark castles, this movie does offer some new things you haven’t seen before with its impressive special effects. The actin’s fairly good, the foreign scenery is thoughtful, and the girls are hot. Impalin’, easy snap fingers, instant stop-motion critters, decapitations, stakes in the chest, blood spray, heads on sticks, village festivals, vamp brides, dungeon boobs, blood drool galore, daddy drama, and vamps simply drop dead when you slay ’em! 4/5! 


Radu’s blood minions reattach his head, and he’s quick to slay his nappin’ goody two shoes brother while the last girl from the first flick runs away with the Bloodstone as a newborn vamp Radu’s fallen in love with. Desperate for help, her sister flies in and works with reps from the US Embassy and the historical society to chase her down and save her from Radu and his rotten witch of a “Mommy.” While Subspecies is a story steeped in stereotypical vampire lore, this sequel offers a bit more originality with a more modern settin’ as we trade in the woodsy fairy tale settin’ for city clubs and crypts. The characters are entertainin’ enough, but they’re definitely upstaged by the special effects that really make this film memorable. That said, however, not a lot of new tricks in the effects bag since the last flick, save Radu’s mommy who’s screen presence is unforgettable! Blood born critters, full frontal cryin’ in the shower, blood drool galore, crypt witches, mommy issues, lickin’ bloody knives, blood sprays, stakin’, extra crispy vamps, glass coffins, women accidentally put in body bags, cool special effects of vamps rattachin’ their heads, crypt chases, head to toe fires, eye gougin’, and enchanted daggers! 4/5!


Pickin’ right up where Subspecies 2 left off, the last girl from the first part is still a captive blood bride of Radu who’s brought back by his witch of a mother, and the last girl’s sister is still tryin’ to rescue her with the help of an agent from the US Embassy and a policeman embarrassed to be huntin’ vamps. Nothin’ new and excitin’ enough to excuse this lackluster sequel for bein’ made, it’s a pretty weak plot that lazily wraps up the events from the last installment, avoidin’ blatant opportunities for explorin’ Radu’s character more deeply for a richer story. Bloodsuckin’, women in cages, shadow puppets, face stabbin’s, flyin’ knives, castle invasions, antique thefts, pointless shirt rippin’ with boobs, decapitations, mommy/son fights, witches roastin’ on an open fire, vamps turned to Swiss cheese with silver bullets, sneaky suns, airborne knives to the head, fatal freefalls, impalin’s, blood born critters, vamps stuck in trees, lickin’ blood off knives, and head to toe fires! 3/5!


Survivin’ the end of the last flick like a kite falling out of a tree,  the blood droolin’ Radu recovers the Bloodstone for a full recovery and continues chasing after his newest vamp bride who’s been on the run since part two. This time, Radu’s “pretty one” hides in a shady hospital where a brilliant bloodsuckin’ doctor will share his secrets for sunblock and blood donors but will betray her in a second for the secrets of Radu’s Bloodstone. This lackluster sequel is wonderfully shot with more than enough characters to give us a rich story, but completely falls flat. The thin plot is too similar to the last 2 flicks, the kills leave a lot to be desired, and there’s just too many missed opportunities for a more compellin’ story focusin’ on Radu. His bride needs to be less wishy washy with her loyalty to him, the filmmakers horribly botch chances to explore Radu’s past more with the introduction of his slow talkin’ business manager, and his goal in this movie should be gettin’ the doctor’s secrets for becomin’ a more powerful vampire. Topless bloodsuckin’, decapitations, travelin’ by shadows, stakes through the chest, bright lights, toasty vamps, vampire double crosses, crypt showdowns, throat slittin’, nipple bitin’, roofies, deceptive femme fatales, and heads roastin’ on spikes! 3/5!


In this quirky flick doin’ its best to be more of a Wes Anderson comedy than a horror, an unemployed medium and his barmaid sidekick team-up to appease upset spirits whose unmarked graves are disturbed in his parents’ yard. Well shot with humorous dry wit characters that includes Ray Wise playin’ a disapprovin’ father who gets his boner broken by a ghost, this is an alright movie with a moment or two of impressive effects but really downplays the supernatural elements which leaves it feelin’ like it doesn’t know what kind of film it wants to be. Ghost young’ns, John Waters wantin’ blowjobs, explodin’ ghost jizz, bad CGI ghost clouds, séances, ghost cosplay, supernatural burials, and Jeffrey Combs plays another pissed doctor! 3/5! 


The feel scared abortion flick of the year, this creature feature is about a flushed fetus swimmin’ in toxic sewer waste and mutatin’ into an unbelievably powerful booger beast with an axe to grind against the whore house clinic that separated him from his teenage mama. While most critics like to bash on this low-budget film, it’s really not that bad. While the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired, the story’s weird and unique, the music ain’t half bad, and the camerawork is very lively. The monster itself rides a fine line between good and bad, however, ’cause it looks cool as hell for a practical effect, but its powers are a little too unbelievable from it travelin’ through the pipes to trappin’ everyone inside the whorehouse with what I’m guessin’ is a placenta forcefield?! Must be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks. Bloody nurse boobs, two jumpscare dreams in a row, BDSM with whips and dildos, rubber room rapes, random toxic waste barrels, decapitations by toilets, Claymation hands, electrocutions, stabbin’s, slut suicides, roofie abortions, gunshots to the head, umbilical cord weapons, gory last minute meltdowns, and an anti-abortion twist endin’ you won’t see comin’! 3/5! 


When a little boy says summer camp director Chuck Connors molest him on a butterfly hunt, one teenage counselor locks Chuck and his hardcore rules up at gunpoint and declares martial fun for all the kids before they call the authorities. The party that never ends, however, and the same teen counselor quickly turns everyone’s summer vacation into Camp Lord of the Flies. Decent flick for passin’ a slow afternoon, but nothin’ to celebrate. The biggest problem with this film is its villain, the teen counselor. He’s not presented as bein’ mentally or emotionally disturbed to explain his drastic decisions, nor is he a fun seekin’ kid simply panickin’ after a horrible incident spirals things into a worse scenario. He’s just this average guy with a wooden personality and ambiguous motivations that leaves me questionin’ if he’s doin’ all this for the right reasons, or because he’s a little psycho who always dreamed of manipulatin’ others. Drown or swim lessons, butterfly fandom, meditation lock-ups, revoked TV privileges, rope bridge dares, medieval/witchcraft trials, attempted rape, rockin’ talent shows, hung rapists, stabbin’s, near fatal freefalls, suitcase computers, and one Friday the 13th Part 6 vet! 2/5!


An American ballerina finds out her teachers are all witches at a German dance academy, and they’ll kill anyone threatenin’ to expose their evil existence. This horror classic is best known for its score by Goblin, its artsy fartsy lit sets, and a few memorable kills with bright red paint. If you look past that, we barely know anything about the last girl, there’s a long-winded scene of tag-teamin’ exposition I feel comes in too late, and I’m not entirely clear on what the witches’ endgame is other than killin’ folks who cross them. Fatal freefalls, hangin’s, freefalls into razorwire, stabbin’s, possessions, re-animated corpeses, needles in eyes, throat rippin’, unharmed dogs harmin’ folks, secret passages, academic roofies, healin’ via waterboardin’, nose whistlin’ hags, invisible witches, and knives through the neck! 3/5!  

ysixteenSWEET SIXTEEN (1983)

As a new bad girl in town comes closer to being sweet 16, her mom snaps from repressed memories of being rapped on her 16th birthday and starts slashing any guy who even winks at her daughter. A really well made film with entertaining cinematography, strong cast, and writing reminiscent of an episode of Longmire, the only frustration I have is how it teases at being a supernatural horror with Native American hoodoo here and there but ultimately ends as a nutso slasher with a dark past. Stabbings, family of sleuths, attempted rapes, skinny dippings, shower scenes, redskin herrings, hate crimes, Native Americans burial grounds, and small town sheriffs playing hard to get with fun flirty blondes. 4/5!


A meek ’80s gal is supposed to be takin’ care of her agoraphobic aunt but spends most the movie buildin’ up to scissorin’ with a bad influence from town which doesn’t end well for the grumpy relative and throws the whole movie into a last second mind fuck I ain’t ashamed to admit is over my head. I was suckered into watchin’ this homage to ’80s suspense flicks, and while it is pretty to look at and boasts strong actors with an interestin’ enough mystery, there just ain’t enough horror in it to fill a Goosebumps episode much less a satisfyin’ punch line! Hairpin clues, croakin’ elders, scary locked doors, girl on girl action with no boobs, spooky dolls with nothin’ to add to the story, and what I think is a ghost girl with some questionable possessions? 2/5!

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