S – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

zclawsSANTA CLAWS (1996)

A Scream Queens Illustrated model is so distracted by her cheating husband and nudie picture job, she has no idea her goofball neighbor is a deranged fan killin’ everyone around her so he can have her all to himself for Christmas. This is pretty low-budget skin flick slasher, but despite some over the top acting, boobs galore, and the killer Santa welding a cheap cultivator for his instrument of destruction, the filmmakers do have a legitimate story with some merit as we follow the creepy neighbor’s journey into obsession turned ugly. Blondes in the bath, nudie video shoots, deaths in the dressing room, roofied kids, Scream Queen shrines, softcore bangin’, killer Santas, funny acting, slobs in the sack with models, stabbings, and youngn’s with guns! 3/5! 

z09SANTA’S SLAY (2005)

Wrestling’s Goldberg gives his greatest performance as a Krampus-like Santa who tears through a small town in search of the angel who cursed him to deliver gifts to good youngn’s for a millennia. Nothing but sick Christmas fun here I watch without fail every year! Strip club massacres, stop-motion flashbacks, hands forked to tables, dinner massacres, Fran Drescher on fire, impaled by menorahs, eggnog drownin’, James Caan stuffed to death, head bashings, Santa panic rooms, police station massacres, grandpas run over by hell deer, bazooka huntin’, punted dogs, and epic curlin’! 5/5!

x04SATAN’S CHEERLEADERS (1977)

This film is like watching a porno without the porn! A satanic rhinestone janitor has his sites set on a group of sassy cheerleaders and kidnaps them for his dark pleasure. His Satan lovin’ friends have different plans, however, and prepare the girls for their first human sacrifice, not realizing one of them may very well be the devil incarnate! Campy acting, peeps of nudity with side boobs, and a 2 song soundtrack stuck on a loop you’re either gonna love or hate like this movie. Rival school pranks, sick’em dogs, water balloon wars, TP’d football fields, shower peep holes, offroad kidnappings, and games of beach chicken! 3/5!

ysatansSATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS (1973)

A woman dies under mysterious circumstances, and her sister investigates the suspicious academy she was enrolled at for answers. Before long, she realizes she’s in over her head as she finds out the students are under a satanic spell that makes them femme fatales for a teacher who claims to be Satan reincarnate. Not a bad made for TV movie overall, but it has zero scares, zero satanic imagery (minus fire and a silly cloak), and plays like an episode of  Charlie’s Angels, which makes sense, because those same people made this movie and even cast a couple of future angels in this! Hangin’ deaths, satanic sticks, unnerving paintings, rats in mazes, mass suicides, old bats revertin’ to young fawns, drownings, and Nancy Drew gumshoe’n! 3/5!

SATAN’S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS (2000)

Like the original made for TV flick, this small screen movie of the week is a chick investigatin’ her sister’s seemingly suicidal death, tracin’ the mystery back to a college where dark forces plot a rise to power. Influenced by such hits at the time like The Skulls and The Craft, the devil worshippin’ cult is now a secret coven of witches on the academic warpath, castin’ CGI spells left and right against anyone tryin’ to stop them from livin’ like a Rockefeller. Overall, this is a decent chick flick with red herrings and steady twists and reveals. Only complaint I got is how the emotional core of this story is supposed to be a murder mystery but it’s grossly overshadowed by a conspiracy mystery. CGI lightnin’ bolts, wolf transformations, folks flung through the air, fun with pyrokinesis, slit wrists, red eyes, evil birds, goth chicks with bad rep, inconvenient convertibles, teacher’s pet with benefits, and witchy rituals! 3/5!

zscareSCARE ZONE (2009)

A strip-mall haunted house opens its doors for Halloween but gets too real as a love-sick psychopath makes its performers a permanent part of the gory scenery inside. A fun film that never drags, the weirdest thing about this flick is it’s shot, lit, and scored like a Goosebumps episode, if Goosebumps had boobs and gore. Chainsaws vs aluminum bats, roadside skeletons, tramp vamps, back stabbings, creepy Christmas shops, cemetery romances, garden rakes to the face, disembowelments, cleavers to the neck, arms nailed, melted teens, decapitations, goth cutting, chainsaw chases, obsessed stalkers, and milf cleavages! 3/5!

ymov8THE SHALLOWS (2016) 

A surfer chick is knocked off her board by one bogus big-ass shark at a secluded beach and plays the most fatal game of leap frog back to shore. Blake Lively proves 2 things in this movie; She has one of the best asses in Hollywood, and she has the acting chops for carrying a whole movie by herself (with a little support from co-star, Steven Seagull). Never a dull moment, this film proves even the simplest story about tides can be told in the most exciting ways but skimps on a lot of the gory shark chomping action we wanted to see more of. Surfing montages, buddy horror seagulls, gutsy drunks, GoPro deaths, dolphins, jellyfish, flaming sharks, squishy crabs, and dead whales. 4/5! 

SHARKANSAS WOMEN’S PRISON MASSACRE (2015)

A bangin’ gang of beauties behind bars escape their swamp litter duties and must outwit a prehistoric land shark for their freedom. First and foremost, this is a pretty well-made film about well groomed prisoners outrunnin’ a dino shark accidentally released from underwater caves bein’ mined. However, this is a made for TV flick, so no boobs and very limited gore. Biggest criticism has got to be Traci Lords’ pointless role as a peripheral slack jaw agent who barely interacts with the film much less have any impact. Lesbo lovers, 4x4s vs land sharks, explosive shark bait dummies, instant romances, bikinis in the hot tub, girls with guns, and cave raftin’. 3/5! 

zsharkSHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! (2015)

As soon as Fin Shepard is recognized by the U.S. president for his heroic efforts battling airborne sharks in the last 2 films, an onslaught of sharknados start spamming all over the east coast, slowly merging into one devastating sharkicane. With the help of nomadic sharknado hunters, a chainsaw limbed prego, and David “Rocketman” Hasselhoff, Fin once again races to end the unnatural disaster no one can explain. Pushing the humor more than ever from James Bond gags to sharks in space, this guilty pleasure is just good ol’ fashion shits and giggles fun that recognizes its absurdity without making a spoof of itself. Double chainsaws, gold chainsaws, chainsaw hands, roller coaster sharks, Nascar sharks, Jaws impersonators, White House sunk, celebrity fish food, mascara guns, shark meteors, space births, pregos in space, and destruction to both Universal Studios destruction and Washington D.C. destruction! 5/5!

ysharkSHARKNADO 4: THE 4TH AWAKENS (2016)

5 years after the events of Sharknado 3, sharknados are back and crazier than ever with only Fin Shepard and his shark hating family to put an end to them before they destroy America. We get an unexpected but much appreciated departure from previous Sharknado story formulas with this sequel, but the damn filmmakers continue avoiding how the sharknados are even happening which could make for a great story with a mastermind villain behind it all. My biggest complaint, however, are the sharks’ lack of ferocity that always left us knowing anyone could die at anytime. SandSharknados, bouldernados, cownados, oilnados, firenados, nuclearnados, giant balls of twine with teeth, sky-diving marriages, Las Vegas chaos, Chicago chaos, Kansas chaos, Niagara Falls chaos, Busey science jumbo, bimbo terminators, Wizard of Oz gags, chainsaw exo-suits, Texas Chainsaw reunions, nesting shark gags, sharkfibulators, CGI hand tools, boys in barrels, kiddie chainsaws, chainsaw swords, and Lloyd Kaufman screams, “Nuke’em High!” 4/5!

yshriekSHRIEKER (1998)

College squatters in an abandoned hospital take turns pointing fingers at who they think is summoning a teleporting creature for human sacrifices. Surely someone’s first time making a film, this waste of a monster movie is riddled with less than exciting cinematography, horrible dialogue, a sleep inducing score, leads who can’t act their way out a sliding door, and about zip screen time with the monster. Evil spells, squatter code of ethics, commie bitches, homophobes, supernatural assassinations, recycled monster footage, and clawing. 2/5!

SIDESHOW (2000)

A gang of flawed teens tour a travelin’ freakshow where the ringleader suckers them into becomin’ their own sinful oddities. For a pretty hackneyed premise, this Fred Olen Ray directed flick successfully provides some good ol’ fashion entertainment that offers convincin’ enough characters, a compellin’ story, and memorable freaks and effects. Only thing I have to bitch about is some confusion over some of the freaks’ abilities like how Digestina exactly eats and what it is the Inside Out Girl can do without her skin. Total Recall chest mutants, bug boys cosplayin’ as the Invisible Man, girls takin’ all their skin off, topless reflux tub chicks, livin’ dolls, bangin’ bods without faces, gnarly canary men, face meltin’, beast boys, cripples, midget ringleaders, transformation tubes, snake cuddlers, and Brinke Stevens as one hot fortune teller! 4/5!  

ysilentSILENT MADNESS (1984)

The wrong psychopath is discharged from an asylum and only 1 milf doctor with any moral fiber sets out to find him before he seeks revenge on the sorority that made him snap in the first place. This is a good story in concept but really needed to pump up the excitement and give us more horror. Plays out more like an episode of Matlock or Murder She Wrote. Drilled heads, cattle prodin’s that sound like farts, shaggin’ wagons, Dragon’s Lair gamin’, flashback spankin’s, strung up gravity boot deaths, seedy orderlies, newspaper editors to the rescue, epic fail 3-D gags, protective mothers, and shotgun trick shots. 2/5!

z04SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984)

After young Billy witnesses his parents being killed and molested by a criminal dressed as Santa, his grip on sanity slips around Christmas time and being raised by abusive nuns in an orphanage doesn’t help any. Billy’s pent up holiday trauma is triggered years later while wearing a Santa suit, and he takes it upon himself to pick up an axe and punish the naughty overnight! I personally love watching these kind of origin stories when we see the movie through the killer’s eyes and kind of sympathize for them as tragic figures we can all eerily relate to on some disturbing level. Love the story, love the characters, and it’s ’80s slasher gold from its gory deaths and boobs and successfully keeps up the Christmas atmosphere throughout the film. Fatal gunshots, carved flesh, strangulations, decapitations, topless impalements on decorative antlers, flying axes, box cutter gifts, fatal freefalls with glass, Santa hunts, Linnea Quigley death, peeping tom youngn’s, punched out Santas, gunned down Santas, fatal sledding, attempted rapes, bitch nuns, stabbings, bows and arrows, axes to the chest, hammered deaths, and grandpa gives the best Christmas monologue ever committed to celluloid! 5/5!

zsirenSIREN (2016)

The seductive monster chick from V/H/S gets her own movie, and it’s pretty damn good! A guilt conscious fiance takes his bachelor party to a whorehouse of horrors and is compelled to free a mysterious woman bein’ held against her will, mind fuckin’ customers through a window. With her pimp hot on his trail, the bachelor regrets becomin’ a backwoods target as he soon finds out the girl is a possessive demon with a penchant for murder and kinky sex. Great characters who hold your interest, creative story elements, and one memorable monster that’s up there with the chick from Splice. Memory cocktails, fat ass strippers, cults, whipped girls, leech hairdos, crowbars hammered through kneecaps, men anally rapped by winged monsters, people mauled, and impalements! 4/5!

zzzzSLASHED DREAMS aka SUNBURST (1975)

This review shouldn’t even be in here, because this is not a horror film. It’s labeled a horror, but this is really a snooze drama that must have been remarketed once its bit actor, Robert Englund, hit it big as Freddy. Robert plays a college drop-out hippie who sends a postcard to some ol’ school buddies, invitin’ them to his side of the mountain where things are great. After a long trek, skinny dippin’, Yogi Bear picnic thefts, and a horrible album’s worth of some tone deaf woman’s album of yodeling I suspect this flick was the excuse for, the couple are attacked by a couple of rapists who can’t get hard. Robert finally strolls in the last minutes of the movie to soothe the unhappy campers, helps them scare off the rapists with sticks, and the flick ends with a message about needing pain to truly experience the pleasures of life. This shit is a half hour worth of story drug out into a mind numbing feature. 2/5! 

y10SLAUGHTERHOUSE (1987)

When the county tries taking Lester Bacon’s failing slaughterhouse from him, he and his pig snorting tub o’ son, Buddy, make a hit list of people to skewer while chopping up thrill seeking teens trespassing on their property. Far from great, but nowhere near bad, this ’80s slasher offers a memorable killer, great sets, a rockin’ soundtrack, and a good revenge story with character. Hog carcasses galore, cop car joy ridin’, slaughterhouse music videos, hog festivals, deadly dares, face slashing, hog cuddling, hand chopping, throat slitting, backseat ambushes, hit-and-runs, and victims stuffed alive in a saw machine! 3/5!

SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY (1987)

Mixin’ The Most Dangerous Game with science softcore fiction, this flick’s about 2 dolled-upped slave girls escapin’ their captives and crashin’ on an alien world where a sadistic host and his robots play hide and hunt with their guests. Unfortunately, this film takes itself a little too serious and offers very little gore and boobs with some pretty half ass effects from the painted lasers to the blue space screens. However, the story is decent, the actin’ is more than tolerable, and there’s some sweet eye candy fightin’ with cool lookin’ aliens and robots. Scantily clad blondes breakin’ chains, spaceship jackin’, decapitations, arrows in the back, topless splashin’, big guns, phantom zones, trophy heads, 2-3 aliens, log talks, explosions, 1 softcore sex scene, Brinke Stevens bares all without showin’ anythin’, and the best part is the hunter’s 2 robots bickerin’ on the beach! 3/5!

THE SLIME PEOPLE (1963)

A sportscaster accidentally lands his plane inside a hardenin’ fog and must help a scientist and his daughters save L.A. from an invasion of underdwellin’ slime folk. It’s not a half-bad movie with an interestin’ enough set-up, but so many of the characters were laughably quirky, and the filmmakers completely refused to do anything cool with rubber suit hunchbacks made of slime. Hardened soldiers, studio back lot hideouts, theater bums, dew points, goat carry-ons, buddy system with ropes, fog, fog, and more fog! 3/5! 

SORORITY BABES IN THE DANCE-A-THON OF DEATH (1991)

A no strings attached sequel to Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl-O-Rama combined with the story from Nightmare Sisters, this rock bottom Z flick is about a sorority girl hysterically attackin’ pledges from abandoned colleges to empty clubs after bein’ possessed by a retarded demon from a crystal ball. If you don’t mind watchin’ home made VHS movies with horrible line deliveries, zip nudity, shit lightin’, super delayed reactions, and choppy editin’, then you might find this tolerable. Worse offense is there’s no dance-a-thon in this flick unless you count the final fight with the demon on a seizure inducin’ dance floor in an empty night club. Street walker exorcists, droolin’ flesh eaters, new versions of Twister, overnight dares, expensive fog effects, crystal ball séances, fatal deep throats, eye poppin’ effects that take their time, girls’ manic demonic screams, naggin’ old man recipes for demons, cacklin’ girls throwin’ themselves into locked doors, and director Dave DeCoteau as the executive producer! 1/5! 

SORORITY GIRLS AND THE CREATURE FROM HELL (1990)

By the most random of chances, unrelated dangers like disgruntled hicks, escaped convicts, and a blood thirsty monster cursed by a Native American relic converge on a remote cabin in the woods where sorority babes are throwin’ a party. This overly dubbed movie has so much goin’ on, it’s fun just to see how the filmmakers try pullin’ it all together. Seriously, the bad guys in this film have nothin’ to do with each other. They just all happen to cross paths at this cabin with their own agendas rangin’ from takin’ the girls hostage, tellin’ ‘em to knock off all the racket, and sacrificin’ ‘em to supernatural forces. Head rippin’, Native American relics speakin’ perfect English, topless bar dancin’, fatal freefalls, cops shootin’ fugitives, monstrous transformations, monster visions, obsessed fishermen, hot tub fantasies, the longest towel dryin’ scene ever filmed, and one blonde bombshell who bared her tan line talent like clockwork! 3/5!

SOUL OF THE DEMON (1991)

I never thought I’d say this in a million lifetimes, but this is a Z-grade masterpiece! A kid dicks around on Halloween and finds a cursed statue where witches were rumored to have been executed centuries before. When his brother throws a party and holds a séance, the statue releases a powerful demon that possesses the kid and starts killin’ the teens in gore-tastic ways worthy of any popular slasher flick! This is a shining example for how a small budget feature can be just as good as studio blockbusters, even if it looks homemade on a VHS camera. The story’s solid, the actin’s tolerable, the girls don’t look awkward, you can tell the music had serious thought put into it, the camerawork is fluid, and the special effects are AMAZING for this level of filmmaking’! Highly recommend checkin’ this out if you can find a copy. Séances with Ouija boards, creepy old man guardians, spines ripped out, demonic statues, Evil Dead nods with Necronomi-knockoffs, heads chopped in half, girls sawed in half, explodin’ heads, animated demon spirits, demon-o-vision, painted lightnin’, heads twisted 180, girls ripped apart in the air, dudes sliced in half, head impalements, and possessions. 5/5! 

SOUTHBOUND (2016)

A bunch of scary short stories with no punch line are woven together by a desolate stretch of desert highway that’s supposed to double for hell or the Twilight Zone or something. We’re given fleeting moments of what could have been great twisted stories, but with no satisfying end for any of them. Cultists with brainwashing meat, amateur surgeons, winking tattoos, and home invasions . . . the only memorable thing about this anthology was the music and flying monsters that bookend the film which has to be one of the eeriest scenes I’ve seen in a long time! 3/5!

ymov4SPECIES (1995)

Aliens send Earth a sample of their DNA with instructions for splicing it with human DNA, creating Sil, one of sci-fi’s hottest women to ever va-va-voom across the screen. Her alien instincts go into overdrive, however, and Sil escapes a U.S. government lab to bang as many Earth men as she can to birth a whole new race of beings that could take over the world. Only a rag tag team of scientists and action hero Michael Madsen can cock-block the alien hybrid’s plans and promote safe sex for humanity. Full of slick cinematography, memorable alien make-ups, likeable characters portrayed by an excellent ensemble of recognizable actors, this movie fires off like a gun from the get-go and keeps us enthralled to the very end. Lots of Natasha Henstringe naked, nipple tentacles, Forest Whitaker’s lazy eye, gooey cocoons, funniest jump scares from squirrels to ambush hobos, limb regeneration, rat deaths, Dr. Octopus sex scenes, flamethrowers, and some serious ’90s hair. 5/5! 

ymov6SPECIES 2 (1998)

The first astronaut to land on Mars is infected by the same alien DNA used to create Sil in the first Species, and hunts all the poontang he can to fuck humanity into extinction. Michael Madsen returns to cock block the alien baby boom and has to keep the space cowboy from hooking up with Sil’s clone, Eve, least they have super alien young’ns who could destroy the world! A good follow up to the original, this offers plenty of fast paced action, charming special effects, and Madsen is just a hoot to watch half-ass his way through this movie with laugh out loud lines. Body horror, exploding pregos, stock-piled young’ns, alien vs alien, alien on alien, tentacle porn, threesomes, CGI in space, Natasha Henstringe shows less hair and less boob, and Madsen wants some goddamn cereal! 4/5!

ymov7SPECIES 3 (2004)

Exchanging well-known actors and pricey government sets for college students and a basement, a university professor snatches Sara, Eve’s full bred alien baby from the last movie, and conducts his own species preserving experiments at his house. With the help of a college student, they must protect Sara from decaying half-breeds spawned in the last film who want to rape her with their tentacles. A descent switch up to keep the series fresh while pushing the overall story of the aliens forward, this is a little slower than the first 2 films and not quite as epic but does offer convincing characters and special effects alien action. Sexy chess, creepiest cocoon husks, awkward death scenes, dumbest disposal of bodies, tentacle guts, death by tongue, alien rapes, boobs, dead cats, instant books, the most elaborate alien web scam ever, and Natasha Henstringe dies in the first couple of minutes with her clothes on. 3/5!

ymov5SPECIES : THE AWAKENING (2007)

From government labs to college campuses, the Species series heads south of the border into Mexico as 2 scientists try to save the life of Miranda, an alien DNA experiment who’s reached the end of her lifespan. Saving her life proves difficult, however, as her alien instincts make her deadly horny for mating and maiming while bitch slapping around other genetically enslaved aliens. The writers definitely expand on the Species universe with good ideas exploring how the alien DNA can be used to service mankind, but the storyline and acting was what left this mediocre at best. Tentacle nuns, cross crushing, alien cat fights, sloppy lab work, daddy daughter issues, and the first full alien on man grindin’ action we see in the whole series! 3/5!

SPELLCASTER (1988)

It’s House on Haunted Hill meets Willy Wonka as a crossroads demon dishes out poetic punishments to mean spirited contestants stuck in a castle to win a rock’n roll show’s challenge for a million dollars. This is a fun film comprised of a despicable MTV generation cast, imaginative kills, wicked monsters, and a corny but catchy soundtrack. Only complaint I got is the lame fatal freefall death. Pig man transformations, monster dogs, dungeons of zombies, rock video stars, demonic VJs, peek-a-boobies, monstrous chairs, monstrous paintin’s, fatal freefalls, cock teases in the shower, electric traps, and livin’ suits of armor with boogers inside! 4/5! 

zsplintSPLINTER (2008)

White trash criminals run for the border with hostages but get a monkey wrench thrown in their plans when they end up trapped in a rural gas station under attack by a infectious alien virus. The Thing meets Tremors, this underrated flick modestly delivers the action, gore, and monsters with an amazing cast of characters that are anything but cookie cutter horror clichés. Roadkill dogs, spikes galore, amateur amputations, decoy fireworks, frigid escape plans, recycled corpses, blood thirsty hands, and big bang suicides! 4/5!

zspltSPLIT (2016)

A guy with 23 split personalities kidnaps a group of girls and prepares them for bein’ teeny bopper meals to a new emergin’ personality, a monstrous creation called the Beast. I have to give credit to M. Night Shamalongadingdong for presentin’ some new ideas regardin’ split personality disorders I’ve never heard before, and a big praise to James McAvoy for takin’ on such a challengin’ role. He only plays 9 of the 24 personalities, but those 9 help solidify him as an outstandin’ actor. Even more impressive is how well Anya Taylor-Joy managed to not be overshadowed by James’ performance, provin’ herself to be a hall of fame breed of last girl in her growin’ list of horror credits. Only complaint is I didn’t exactly feel the tension in this film, and by the end, I wanted to see Anya defeat her abuser at home more than the nutjob keepin’ her trapped in a basement. Animal trivia, peepee pants, knock-out sprays, disembowelment, crushed seniors, CD jam sessions, dirty uncles, abusive mothers, shotgun blasts to the chest, ventilation escapes, no twist endin’s, Unbreakable nods, etc! 4/5!

DVDSPOOKIESSPOOKIES (1986)

A hodge podge group of office co-workers and rock’n roll teenagers crash an abandoned mansion to party but get caught up in a coffee-can talking sorcerer’s game of supernatural sacrifice for keeping his reluctant bride captive. Plenty of comical moments with a Party City’s worth of monsters, boogers, and critters running around, but the story was weak overall with the villain’s master scheme and we can’t relate to the perplexing group of friends. Seductive arachnid women, shriveling corpses, Ouija boards, hanging Halloween witch prop, fugly possessions, explosive grim reapers, boobs that move in all directions at once, farting corpses, instant burials, gift wrapped decapitations, Ghoulie knock-offs, young’ns buried alive, hookmen, and hordes of zombies. 3/5! 

STAR WORMS 2: ATTACK OF THE PLEASURE PODS (1985)

The title sounds way dirtier than this Troma flick actually is, and it’s pretty misleadin’. There was never a Star Worms 1, the worms aren’t in space, and there’s pleasure pods (these poker chip things on people’s heads), but they don’t attack anyone. What this sci-fi cheapo’s really about is a futuristic group of roamin’ convicts stuck minin’ minerals on a prison planet, defendin’ themselves from other nomad gangs, sex hungry wardens, and these flesh burrowin’ whipcord size worms that are barely present. A good effort, the problem with this flick is it’s heavily focused on the convicts, but all the story and drama’s up in the spaceship with the secondary warden characters we don’t give two flyin’ fucks about! The prisoners are the ones we have a stronger connection with as viewers and are anxious to see them make some darin’ escape, but we’re unfortunately left with them keepin’ to their gold diggin’ duties and cliff note endin’s that must have been beyond this thing’s budget. Skinny worm props, furry e.t. critter hugs, spear chuckin’, space laser cannon with batteries not included, psychic pleasurin’ lesbos in space, boobs, and jump cut transportations! 2/5!

ystayawakeTHE STAY AWAKE (1988)

Catholic school girls have the lamest slumber party ever until the ghost of a serial killer comes after them as a foul smelling, Power Rangers lookin’ rat man with tentacles. Biggest mistake this movie made was passing up all the story potential with the girls to focus more on failing at building suspense most the movie with an offensive amount of pissing time of people wandering and ghosts slamming doors. Towels in the shower, spontaneous radio combustions, spontaneous phone combustions, aerobics, volleyball, heart ripping, men in monkey suits, decapitations, firehose strangling, ghost visions, collect calls from the other side, gas chamber executions, and possessions! 2/5!

STAY TUNED (1992)

Hell has a new TV contract for couch potatoes, and it’s 666 channels of soul sucking entertainment! Sure, it’s more family comedy than horror, but this film’s packed with a butt-load of unforgettable horror spoofs, great special effects, well written characters, and John Ritter’s best performance since the Problem Child movies. 5/5!

STEPFATHER 2: MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY (1989)

Terry O’Quinn returns as the mentally unhinged family man who won’t let knives to the chest stop him from havin’ the family he always dreamed of slaughterin’. After escapin’ the mental institution, our favorite demented dad moves into a new neighborhood and is quick to move on a recently separated Meg Foster and her son across the street. New relationships don’t come without their challenges, however, as Meg’s snoopy friends and cheatin’ husband test the evil stepfather’s twisted charade all the way to the blood splattered altar. Not quite as good as the first Stepfather, but a great follow-up none the less. We get to see how the killer manipulates women into these doomed relationships, and Terry brilliantly brings the crazy as plans keep goin’ bad. Felt Meg Foster’s performance was a bit on the dull side but makes sense the killer would prey on that kind of woman for unholy matrimony. Anger management woodshops, stabbin’s, diorama deaths, strangulations, guards beaten to death with nightsticks, faces slashed with broken bottles, women’s support groups, bodies dumped in car crushers, U.S. Postal sleuthin’, strangulations, bloody weddin’s, and awkward sex scenes! 4/5!

STEPFATHER 3 (1992)

Horror’s deadliest stepdad survives havin’ his chest carved open again, and again, he escapes the mental hospital to find the potentially perfect family needin’ a father figure. With a new face thanks to back alley surgery, he goes through the motions marryin’ a pretty gal with a crippled boy detective on wheels but goes into the expected psychotic spiral when things start fallin’ apart. The Stepfather series is very one note with every sequel bein’ the same story of deceit and manipulation, but it’s always a guilty pleasure to watch the killer frantically keep from gettin’ caught in his complex web of lies and murder. The filmmakers successfully build tension and suspense that keeps me engaged, and while Terry O’Quinn passed on reprising the killer again, the castin’ director gets mad props for hirin’ his replacement, Robert Wightman, who does an amazin’ impersonation. Not only does Robert have incredibly similar features to the original actor, but he mimics O’Quinn’s voice and performance to a criminal T! Only criticisms I’ve got are the lines bein’ delivered like I’m watchin’ a kids program, and how many awkward scenes with kids there are that make this feel like a borderline pedophile horror. Kills with a bone saw, throats slit, impalements, death by rakes, death by shovels, cyber sleuthin’, Easter egg hunts, awkward baby makin’, touchy feely priests, awkward tickle football, anger management with wood choppin’, murder & garden, double life affairs, facial surgeries without anesthesia, deluded exes, marriages at the drop of a hat, and fatal woodchippers! 3/5! 

xstitSTITCHES (2012)

If Sam Raimi and Tim Burton worked together on a killer clown flick, this Irish horror would be it! After accidentally dying at a young kid’s birthday party, Stitches the clown returns from the grave 6 years later to complete his performance with some new deadly gags as the kids reunite for a high school house party. I cannot begin to describe how awesome this movie is! It’s kinetic, beautifully shot, has a memorable cast of characters, unforgettable kills, gore, new ideas I haven’t seen before, and lots of laugh out loud moments! Exploding heads, scooped brains, umbrella deaths, eye gouging, go-go gadget arms, victim seeking nose, ventriloquist corpses, peeping tree house toms, clown funerals, clown sex, eye eating, clown crypt, tricycle chases, eternal eggs, speeding clown cars, and decapitations! 5/5!

SUBSPECIES (1991)

Angus Scrimm wears a silly wig and suckles the world’s biggest blood pop as Prejnar’s king vamp until his raspy voice son, Radu, returns home from banishment and kills him with the help of blood monsters grown from his broken fingers. Wastin’ no time, Radu raids his pop’s blood cabinet for his cherished Bloodstone, a relic filled with rich addictive blood that gives him the munchies for college girls tourin’ his Euro-hick town. Unfortunate for Radu, however, his more noble brother already called dibs on one of his bride-to-be college gals and fights for his love and pop’s throne. While the story is a little all too familiar among vampire flicks with bloodsuckers practicin’ politics and polygamy in dark castles, this movie does offer some new things you haven’t seen before with its impressive special effects. The actin’s fairly good, the foreign scenery is thoughtful, and the girls are hot. Impalin’, easy snap fingers, instant stop-motion critters, decapitations, stakes in the chest, blood spray, heads on sticks, village festivals, vamp brides, dungeon boobs, blood drool galore, daddy drama, and vamps simply drop dead when you slay ’em! 4/5! 

BLOODSTONE: SUBSPECIES 2 (1993)

Radu’s blood minions reattach his head, and he’s quick to slay his nappin’ goody two shoes brother while the last girl from the first flick runs away with the Bloodstone as a newborn vam Radu’s fallen in love with. Desperate for help, her sister flies in and works with a reps from the US Embassy and the historical society to chase her down and save her from Radu and his rotten witch of a “Mommy.” While Subspecies is a story steeped in stereotypical vampire lore, this sequel offers a bit more originality with a more modern settin’ as we trade in the woodsy fairy tale settin’ for city clubs and crypts. The characters are entertainin’ enough, but they’re definitely upstaged by the special effects that really make this film memorable. That said, however, not a lot of new tricks in the effects bag since the last flick, save Radu’s mommy who’s screen presence is unforgettable! Blood born critters, full frontal cryin’ in the shower, blood drool galore, crypt witches, mommy issues, lickin’ bloody knives, blood sprays, stakin’, extra crispy vamps, glass coffins, women accidentally put in body bags, cool special effects of vamps rattachin’ their heads, crypt chases, head to toe fires, eye gougin’, and enchanted daggers! 4/5!

BLOODLUST: SUBSPECIES 3 (1994)

Pickin’ right up where Subspecies 2 left off, the last girl from the first part is still a captive blood bride of Radu who’s brought back by his witch of a mother, and the last girl’s sister is still tryin’ to rescue her with the help of an agent from the US Embassy and a policeman embarrassed to be huntin’ vamps. Nothin’ new and excitin’ enough to excuse this lackluster sequel for bein’ made, it’s a pretty weak plot that lazily wraps up the events from the last installment, avoidin’ blatant opportunities for explorin’ Radu’s character more deeply for a richer story. Bloodsuckin’, women in cages, shadow puppets, face stabbin’s, flyin’ knives, castle invasions, antique thefts, pointless shirt rippin’ with boobs, decapitations, mommy/son fights, witches roastin’ on an open fire, vamps turned to Swiss cheese with silver bullets, sneaky suns, airborne knives to the head, fatal freefalls, impalin’s, blood born critters, vamps stuck in trees, lickin’ blood off knives, and head to toe fires! 3/5!

BLOODSTORM: SUBSPECIES 4: THE AWAKENING (1998)

Survivin’ the end of the last flick like a kite falling out of a tree,  the blood droolin’ Radu recovers the Bloodstone for a full recovery and continues chasing after his newest vamp bride who’s been on the run since part two. This time, Radu’s “pretty one” hides in a shady hospital where a brilliant bloodsuckin’ doctor will share his secrets for sunblock and blood donors but will betray her in a second for the secrets of Radu’s Bloodstone. This lackluster sequel is wonderfully shot with more than enough characters to give us a rich story, but completely falls flat. The thin plot is too similar to the last 2 flicks, the kills leave a lot to be desired, and there’s just too many missed opportunities for a more compellin’ story focusin’ on Radu. His bride needs to be less wishy washy with her loyalty to him, the filmmakers horribly botch chances to explore Radu’s past more with the introduction of his slow talkin’ business manager, and his goal in this movie should be gettin’ the doctor’s secrets for becomin’ a more powerful vampire. Topless bloodsuckin’, decapitations, travelin’ by shadows, stakes through the chest, bright lights, toasty vamps, vampire double crosses, crypt showdowns, throat slittin’, nipple bitin’, roofies, deceptive femme fatales, and heads roastin’ on spikes! 3/5!

ysixteenSWEET SIXTEEN (1983)

As a new bad girl in town comes closer to being sweet 16, her mom snaps from repressed memories of being rapped on her 16th birthday and starts slashing any guy who even winks at her daughter. A really well made film with entertaining cinematography, strong cast, and writing reminiscent of an episode of Longmire, the only frustration I have is how it teases at being a supernatural horror with Native American hoodoo here and there but ultimately ends as a nutso slasher with a dark past. Stabbings, family of sleuths, attempted rapes, skinny dippings, shower scenes, redskin herrings, hate crimes, Native Americans burial grounds, and small town sheriffs playing hard to get with fun flirty blondes. 4/5!

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