# – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

zclover10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (2016)

John Goodman plays the scary villain we always knew he could be, and keeps us on the edge of our seats as a doomsday nut forcing strangers to stay safe in his underground bunker from alien invasion. I think the biggest crime was tying the movie to Cloverfield which distracts the viewer from getting into the suspense of Goodman being crazy or not, because you’re just waiting for giant aliens to show up the whole time. Which they do — in the last 10 minutes! Would have been a more effective ending if we weren’t expecting it, but we at least get to see horror’s fastest thinking last girl take the aliens head on like a PMS fueled firecracker, continuing the new breed of final girl as seen in You’re Next. 3/5!

 12 DEATHS OF CHRISTMAS aka MOTHER KRAMPUS (2017)

Don’t let the title fool ya, ’cause this ain’t really a Krampus flick but a movie ’bout one of his Eastern Europe associates, Frau Perchta the Christmas Witch. The children of a small town are disappearin’, and their panicked parents think it’s the fulfillment of a decades ol’ curse cast by a witch they lynched for supposedly killin’ their young’ns. With only a handful of families left hidin’ from Perchta’s punishment Christmas Eve night, the supernatural assassin of the naughty moves fast to round up the remainin’ rugrats and slaughter their folks for their sins. Despite Perchta bein’ falsely advertised as Krampus, she still proves herself worthy of spreadin’ holiday fear in her own feature. The actin’s decent, there’s some creative kills, and the musical score is waaay too good for this feature with unnervin’ drones and creepy renditions of Christmas tunes. The biggest flaws I gotta bitch ’bout mainly regard the script with characters repeatin’ the same backstory over and over again, a convoluted plot that can stand to cut or combine certain details, and loose ends with the fate of the captured brats that somehow plays into the bigger picture of keepin’ the last young’n safe. Disembowelments, innards stuffed with yard waste and Christmas lights, heart rippin’, human Christmas décor, axes in the head, burnin’ facials, strangers with candy, stabbin’s, turkey cosplay feasts, flesh cookies, mouths sewn shut, Candyman nods, blood lickin’, satanic inductions, family drama out the ass, and boyfriends literally eatin’ their girlfriends! 3/5!

28 WEEKS LATER (2007)

Great Britain is rebuildin’ itself after eradicatin’ the Rage virus, but one overlooked sicko is all it takes to turn society back into full sprintin’ spazes needin’ anger management. With the city on full lockdown, a US sniper must help a scientist escape the mass execution with a young’n whose blood could be the key to a cure. An epic step above the scope of 28 Days Later, this is a tough mother of a zombie-ish flick with stellar shots and edits, fast pace action, thought provokin’ moralities, and awesome dialogue. Only sour I’ve got to bitch ’bout are the rules for how alive or undead the infected exactly are with some droppin’ from blows to the chest, and others still fightin’ with barely any chest! Human matchsticks, blood explosions galore, eye gougin’, blood vomitin’, downtown chaos, pizza boy corpses, spaz attacks, sniper action, subway chaos, parkin’ garage chaos, bitin’ necks out, poisonous gas attacks, and helicopters versus zombie herds! 4/5!

y0531 (2016)

It’s horror meets The Running Man with a little Hunger Games peppered in as a small group of 1970s carnies are kidnapped and dropped into a gladiatorial Halloween game where they must survive 12 hours against various costumed killers in an abandoned compound. I like most of Rob Zombie’s movies, but I feel this film’s script falls short regarding the victims. There isn’t enough time spent connecting with the carnies, very little (if any) character development, and it all results in us not giving 2 shits about who lives or dies, robbing the movie of its tension. Could have stood some more creative kills as well with crazier weapons. Puppet shows, powdered drag, Nazi clown midgets, chainsaw welding clowns, accidental cannibalism, traps, blow-up doll outfits, sex and death tag teams, number 2 sound effects, interrupted sex romps, bats vs pipes vs chainsaws vs switchblades vs bed posts, and women sawed in half! 3/5!

x898989 REDSTONE (2016)

A father with turrets and his eye candy daughter are hosts of a house flipping cable show that’s in jeopardy when they fix up a haunted house in Detroit that puts them way behind schedule with falling mirrors and touchy wiring. A great idea for a movie, this was sadly cheated out of greatness by a lack of escalating danger, clear understanding of the overall threat, good actors given shit dialogue, and poor editing decisions (such as when to watch the movie as the fictional TV show vs the making of the TV show). Underhanded vandalism, mysterious doors, an unforgettable Buddhist, air horn corrections, a carpenter named Jesus, moldy bread keepsakes, nosebleeds, one of the most confusing endings I doubt even the filmmakers understand, and the freakiest 5 seconds of a mutilated freak that’ll leave you speechless. 2/5! 

THE 7 (2006)

A gang of failin’ misfits are taken cavin’ on an unofficial field trip to pass their geology class, but the caves soon become these spelunkers’ graves when a winged chupacabra hunts them for food. This ain’t no high dollar epic like The Descent or The Cave, but this flick holds its own with a nice mix of dynamic characters, pacin’ that keeps ya hooked, and well executed monster that’s only goofy for a second or two. Goats slaughtered off screen, fatal trips, rattle snake bites to the face, deaths by chupacabra, accidental ass tranqin’, back gashin’, narrow tunnel crawlin’, elbow deep shit crawls, and bats galore! 4/5! 

y2oooTWO THOUSAND MANIACS (1964)

It’s the 100th anniversary of a Georgia town being slaughtered by Union soldiers, and the good ol’ southern folk rise from their graves to celebrate with a festival of torturing and killing Yankees passing through their cursed community. Highly recognized as a classic, this flick has a fairly solid story, but the perplexing cinematography and poor sound quality with periodic run-on scenes is what truly makes it an experience hard to forget. Rope belts, gapped teeth, bolos, cats in nooses, straw hats, the most Rebel flags ever captured on celluloid, victims covered in red paint, torn limbs, human barbeques, quicksand, and an important lesson in how it’s better to offend and live than humor and die! 3/5!

zscream2001 MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS (2010)

The Confederate cannibal ghosts are back and load up on a bus to hunt Yankees in Iowa who were already traveling to the South. Lot of good ideas, but every line was dubbed through a coffee can, the editor was working with his elbows, and the story’s flow and escalation of danger was all over the place. Lot of potential but not as high production as the version with Robert Englund. Still worth a look though.   2/5!

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