R – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

RAGDOLL (1999)

When a young rapper named Kwame refuses to let a crime boss be his gang’s agent, his voodoo granny pays the price with a severe beatin’ that pushes Kwame to invoke dark forces in the form of a killer ragdoll to exact revenge. Despite a couple of confusin’ moments I didn’t know  whether to laugh at or not, this is a solid Full Moon flick well worth checkin’ out! The actors never lost my interest as characters I can’t help but root for, and that’s thanks to a well developed script with a heavy focus on character development over silly doll murders. Stabbin’s, Shadowman dealin’s, life for life bargains, magical switcheroos, rap club scenes, deep fried facials, homo-cowboy thugs, face rippin’, spellcastin’, face bitin’, magic circles, deadly doll ambushes, doll sound effects that sound like dog growls crossed with Donald Duck, and an Oscar-worthy scene of a woman fighting a dress to the death! 5/5!  

RAPE IS A CIRCLE (2006)

In a world where everyone is a rapist, Barbie dolls carry an entire Z-flick ’bout a damaged woman takin’ back a sense of power in her life by rappin’ and torturin’ a couple of female hitchhikers who are coincidentally on their way to get revenge on someone who rapped them. Yup . . . While this bottom of the barrel, homemade, community theater acted flick with a non-stop soundtrack of ear numbin’ rock can be quickly dismissed as some sicko’s excuse to film rough lesbo action, it does leave a dirty impression on you if you can sit through the whole thing. While the effects are non-existent and most the torture is done off screen, the threats the rape victim turned rapist makes and the torture she describes is some pretty sick shit that would rattle any viewer if filmed by a more effective and experienced director wantin’ to give people a WTF experience. Eyelids cut off, Tupperware with eyes and tongues, boobs, deluded play dates, gunshots, bitin’ tongues out people’s mouths, Barbie dolls melted with solderin’ irons in women’s snatches, cemetery walks, anal penetration with a knife, rape flashbacks, fingerin’, non-consensual blowjobs, kidnappin’, women pinned underwater in a tub with a weight over their neck and only a straw to breath, threats to shit down a funnel into women’s mouths, bondage, face gouged rapists forced to rape kidnapped girls, staged suicides, foreign gals, lessons in honesty, and the soap you’re gonna need to wash yourself clean of this flick when it’s over! 2/5! 

zrareRARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE (2010)

A young’n pulls on his big boy pants and orders adults to defeat an evil dug out of an ancient Finland mountain . . . Santa Clause! Or what might actually be the earliest film appearance of Krampus with a farm’s worth of helpers that look like anorexic Saint Nicks! Beautiful cinematography with great new twists on an all too familiar lore, this flick’s a little too Speilberg-young’n heavy for my taste and could stand some more Santa action, but it’s still an amazing film horror fans have got to see. Dead reindeer as far as the eye can see, young’n decoys, Santas in cages, gingerbread bait, massive heater thefts, bear traps in chimneys, youngn’s in potato sacks, Santa/Krampus on ice, airlift youngn’s, Santa farms, slaughterhouses, pig carcasses, decapitations, and a heart warming ending promoting slavery! 4/5! 

RAW FORCE (1982)

In this mess of a plot, Asian Hitler is tradin’ she-slaves with an island of cannibal monks for chunks of jade, and he inadvertently strands a cruise ship full of kung-fu yahoos who must battle undead warriors and ninjas the monks resurrect. My biggest problem with this flick is that it tries to tell everyone’s story. 1/3 the movie is the jade goons’ sinister operation, 1/3 is the hijinks of the booze cruise, and the final 1/3 is finally what you came to see – kung-fu zombies! This is entertainin’ overall (the cruise party in the middle is the best part), but doesn’t quite deliver what the poster promises. Decapitations, ass kickin’ eye candy, boobs, great whore house escapes, mix martial bar brawls, whore-nappin’, slow-mo monks, head smashed ice, stabbin’s, shoots outs, lost at sea, shipwrecks, zip onscreen cannibalism, swordplay, and undead warriors! 3/5! 

ZCLOVER3RED CLOVER AKA LEPRECHAUN’S REVENGE (2012)

A SyFy original that doesn’t suck fat monkey nut with oversaturated blue tones, flat characters, or shitty CG animals fighting out it? Pinch me, ’cause it’s a St. Patrick’s Day miracle! A she-ginger accidentally releases a scary looking leprechaun from its magical prison, and she’s got to save her town’s St. Patty’s parade before it makes magically delicious mince meat out of everyone. Lucky for us, she has the help of her small town sheriff daddy, the questionably balding Billy Zane. Good story with a cool monster and entertaining characters. 4/5!

yredREDNECK ZOMBIES (1986)

A dumb soldier leaves a barrel of toxic waste with some dumb rednecks who make moonshine out of it and become flesh chewin’ backwood hicks eatin’ dumb hikers. The editing is choppy and the zombie make-up is sloppy, but this is better than it looks with fun B-movie humor, delightfully gory kills, and memorable characters obviously inspired by Troma films. Dogs in sunglasses, plenty of eye popping effects, zombie toddlers, washing machine baths, Texas Chainsaw nods, tripping balls-o-vision, little piggies goin’ die die die, visceral dismemberments, saddest skin flick party ever committed to video, puking, drinks to stress, zombie psyche-outs, Fangoria nods, and the best character is the mysterious Tobacco Man who deserves his own film! 3/5!

REPTILICUS (1961)

Miners unearth a piece of frozen dino hide and send it to a lab in Copenhagen to be studied. Unfortunately, the lab employs sleepy old men and wide eyed hicks who accidentally thaw out the sample which regenerates into a rampagin’ rubber lizard of prehistoric proportions! Not a lot of plot, this is a city stompin’ monster flick at its most basic with the army firin’ every bullet and bomb to save the day. Rather than usin’ any fancy stop-motion effects for the monster, the filmmakers go for a goofy ol’ rubber puppet approach with claws stuck in a “don’t shoot!” position and animate in some deadly upchuck that looks like a glarin’ afterthought durin’ post production. Pretty girls, a funny hick playin’ Paul Revere while dickin’ around with electric eels, and a dumb ass lookin’ monster worthy of The Giant Claw fame! 3/5!

yressurectedTHE RESURRECTED (1991)

Another H.P. Lovecraft inspired film, a concerned wife hires a private detective to investigate her husband’s oddball behavior and finds out he’s experimenting in the dark arts of resurrection with grisly special effect results. An overall slow-burn, not too much happens beyond solving a Hardy Boys mystery for most the film, but the ending is full of gore-tastic effects and cool looking monsters that ultimately serve as the hook for horror fans to check this thing out. Mutilated monsters floating merrily down the river, skin swapping, head ripping, stop-motion skeletons, pit of reject monsters, underground dungeon labs, period piece flashbacks, and arcane science raising monsters from ashes! 3/5!

yrejREJUVENATOR AKA REJUVENATRIX (1988)

An over the hill actress rushes scientists to develop a serum of youth and suffers side effects including transformations into a brain sucking monster reminiscent of the un-men from Swamp Thing Returns. A decent body horror flick with well written characters, I would really liked to have seen the filmmakers go further with the effects and give us more progressive monster make-ups and an actual transformation scene. Monster mice, head ripping, brain slurping, hag nagging, monster meltdowns, foaming mouths, and butler revenge plots. 4/5!

 z06THE REZORT (2015)

It’s Jurassic Park with zombies as a corporation profits from the zombie apocalypse, roundin’ up the remainin’ undead for an island retreat where payin’ customers can safely turn walkin’ corpses into Swiss cheese. Safe, until the computer grid is hacked and guests are forced to fight their way off the island against hordes of pissed zombies and a pending airstrike sent to prevent the next outbreak. The story structure is so obviously Jurassic Park with twists you see comin’ a mile away, but the film’s got high production value, sharp cinematography, actin’ you can root for, and some genuine bad-asses. Zombie hordes, sinister corporations, exploited refugees, zombie safaris, zombie snipers, ignorant hackers, zombie violence therapy, neck bitin’, and an explosive endin’! 3/5!

THE RIFT aka ENDLESS DESCENT (1990)

We all dive in a yellow submarine as a rescue team led by R. Lee Ermey looks for another missin’ sub in the murky ocean depths and runs smack dab into a school of genetically altered sea creatures. This flick might start a little slow with a lot of Hunt for Red October kinda drama steerin’ and commandin’ a sub, but if you stick with it, the last half of the film has lots of monster action right out of a video game! Techy sabotage, butthole growths, quarantines, infectious seaweed, tainted drinks, legs and hands bitten off, monsters eatin’ men whole, games of whack-a-mutie, explodin’ muties, gillman eggs, mutie makin’ machines, radar maps, mutie raftin’, underwater firepower, underwater caves, secret labs, mother muties, and Ray Wise dies as a mutant plant man! 4/5! 

zringsRINGS (2017)

Remakes, reboots, and reanimations, oh my. Despite any inclination toward regurgitation, nothing was gonna stop us from entering the next circle of the well to hell, creatively titled Rings. Let’s blow past the absence of the journalistic blonde bombshell played by Naomi Watts. Plenty of sequels thrive without past protagonists. The acting is outstanding, but the key component isn’t a last girl—it’s a recurring nerd in the form of The Bang Theory’s Leonard. He still works for a university, but this time, he’s more of a mad scientist. That was genius; the decision to rehash plot points that spin the viewer ’round & ’round was not. Quick tips: Explain the aberrant-minded professor’s afterlife theories, spend more time in the well-funded secret laboratory/techno-bar, and STOP giving us maudlin chicks who think they can save the evil kid by putting her Satan-soaked spirit, along with her horse hair and hoard of flies to rest! To be fair, there is a creative twist—and some eerily innovative ideas, not the least of which is Samara’s origin story Is it just me, or did she grow up to be a sasquatch that’s not as scary as Vincent D’Onofrio who continues his Championship Season as a menacing human? It’s awkward when a kid outgrows cuteness. Our advice is to view the latest installment, but don’t be surprised if your inner freak screams at the writers use what was working for them as a springboard to an amazing movie rather than slink back down into the admittedly rich well from which they were drawing. 3/5

ROBOT MONSTER (1953)

An annoyin’ young’n bumps his head playin’ space man and daydreams about an apocalyptic future where all humanity is nearly extinct, dinosaurs roam the earth again, and a moon gorilla wearin’ a space helmet is after his family with a death ray. This flick’s infamous for bein’ one of the silliest B-movies to ever be heckled, but I’m gonna open a can of worms and say it’s a little undeservin’! Sure, the monster looks like someone blindly grabbed clearance items in a costume shop and thought bubble machines complimented Telsa toys, but the story’s solid, the actin’s good, and the flick’s score is pretty damn impressive. Only shit I hate is that it’s all a daydream with a confusin’ transition, and one of the young’ns wasn’t strangled onscreen. Good movie just goofy delivery. Inverted death rays, painted lightnin’, bubbles, fatal freefalls, strangled young’ns, ro-man ro-mances, interstellar bosses, fightin’ stop-motion dinos, explodin’ spacecrafts, alien invasions, e.t. caves, apocalypse weddin’s, and ro-man on ro-man violence! 3/5!

zrockulROCKULA (1990)

A centuries old vamp musician is cursed to lose his reincarnated lover every 22 years to a hambone wielding pirate decked in rhinestones, but fights to change his fate this next time ’round with power ballads and music video montages. We love this movie for how outlandish its story is, but you’d think the filmmakers would invest more time and effort into its music (which is pretty lame) given its the whole gimmick for hooking the audience. Elvis nods, mind numbing raps, sucky singing, music video romances, funhouse mirror conversations, fun with mortuaries, cryogenic plots, piggy buffet, blues riffs, double dates with mom, chicks singing in cages, and midget bats in boxers! 3/5! 

yrushRUSH WEEK (1989)

It’s ’80s cheese slasher at its best when a masked maniac has an axe to grind with the impure college bimbos partying it up with rivaling frat boys. This forgotten flick lacks gore but hits the rest of the high notes you could want in a B-movie with handfuls of boobs, zany characters, and an adult Scooby-Doo mystery that’ll keep you guessing who the killer is to the end. Pranks with corpses, topless meditations, journalist gumshoes, decapitations, finger foods, homophobic pledges, topless dancing, girly photoshoots with bodies, aggressive flirting, frat asses, and Dickies concerts! 4/5!

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