P – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

PARASITE (1982)

A runaway scientist has a government engineered parasite growin’ in his gut, and sets up shop in a motel to study a second parasite he hopes will reveal the life suckers’ weaknesses. Before he can figure out how to keep it from turnin’ him inside out, however, a gang targets the poor guy and accidentally releases the lab born creature on a feedin’ frenzy only a young Demi Moore can help stop. This is a well made 3D flick for the drive-in, but the main actor just isn’t all that compellin’ and doesn’t have much of a screen presence. His lemon farmin’ co-star Demi Moore does, however, which makes me wish the parasite killed the scientist off first, so she could be the star fightin’ this thing with government agents after both of them. Lasers, attempted rape, folks with the life sucked out of them, gut burstin’ effects, ceilin’ crawlin’ puppets, slick wheels of the future, deadly tricks up agents’ sleeves, impalements, damsel in distress rescues, explosions, soundwave defenses, creature drool, and parasites bustin’ out of people’s faces! 3/5!

PETRIFIED (2006)

A life suckin’ space mummy is stirred up after a black market deal goes wrong and chases an undercover agent into a clinic studyin’ nymphos for clues to immortality. While the concept for this Full Moon flick sounds really fun, the pace and energy of the film is a little lackluster and ultimately leaves you wishin’ for a lot more alien action and nymphomania. Killer e.t. hands, lesbo make-out sessions, ageless Asians, fewer boobs than expected for a story about nymphos, folks literally scared stiff, and one of the easiest monster defeats ever captured on celluloid with a bag of salt! 2/5! 

yravagPHANTASM: RAVAGER (2016)

We pick up where Phantasm: Oblivion left off and find Reggie stuck ping-pongin’ through time and space in what could be described as Vanilla Sky meets Quantum Leap while searching for his friends, Mike and Jody, before the Tall Man takes over the world. I appreciate the filmmakers giving us a fresh take on the series with this trippy story Reggie has to fight through to figure out what’s real or not, but I’ve been dying to see the Phantasm war they’ve been building up to since almost the beginning of the series, and we don’t get much of that ’til the last little bit of the movie. The use of CGI certainly expanded the Tall Man’s universe with the apocalyptic scenes, but they really should have stuck with Christmas tree ornaments on fishing lines for the ball gags. All in all, it’s a fun ride with returning cast members and monsters continuing one of our favorite movie series that defies genre. Balls killing horses, bed and ball deaths, Reggie love tunes, desert highway action, dwarf on dwarf violence, rod traps, suicidal dwarf bombers, sea of Tall Men, giant balls, ‘Cudas, and drives into the sunset like Mad Max! 4/5! 

ypiecesPIECES (1982)

A boy hacks up his mama for taking away his favorite porno puzzle and grows up to be a chainsaw slasher on campus. Only the luckiest dweeb between the sheets ever committed to celluloid and a tennis star turned undercover cop have any hope of stopping the killer before he hacks enough body parts for stitching together a new mommy for himself. One of the best ’80s slashers I’ve seen, this just gives you a perfect mixture of equally good and bad moments that make it a lot of fun to watch with plenty of boobs, gore, and engaging characters. Porno puzzles, shower scenes, Bluto look-alikes, random kung-fu fights, girls chainsawed in half, arms chainsawed, hellevators, decapitations, leg warmer dance routines, waterbed drownings, date drugs, spin-action bookshelves, living rag-dolls, and death crotch grabs! 5/5!

zpinPIN (1988)

A creepy film that’s finally being discovered after all these years, this is a bit more of a dramatic thriller than a horror. Like following a Batman villain’s origin story, we watch a poor deluded kid be raised to believe his father’s medical dummy, Pin, is real and develops an unhealthy attachment to it into adulthood. Before long, people want to separate the 2, but the boy hears Pin advising him to chop up anyone who dares try. Extremely low body count, twists and turns you see coming a mile away, and you get to see a female nurse fuck Pin on the examination table! 4/5!

PLAN 9 (2015)

Someone finally decides to do a remake for all the right reasons and resurrects Ed Wood’s infamous Plan 9 From Outer Space in an attempt to make it better not over. Aliens are invadin’ Earth for total takeover, and they’re reanimatin’ an army of the dead to help them unless a stupidly brave group of town folk can put an end to their diabolical plan. This flick’s an impressive cheapie that is better than the film that inspired it (widely panned as one of the worst movies ever made) but could be funnier and stand a few more original ideas be introduced. My biggest annoyance is the moments of selective bad movie parody that leaves you wonderin’ who’s actin’ like shit versus shitty actin’. Overdosed young’ns, ray guns, old man Draculas, hangin’s, crazy naked moms, head crushes, sticky walls, U.F.O. pools, stabbin’s, cop shoot-outs, long-winded doctors borin’ you to death, and cameos by Mister Lobo and the Angry Video Game Nerd! 3/5!

YPLAYBACKPLAYBACK (2012)

The first filmmaker in history drains people’s souls through cinematography and continually possesses his bloodline descendants for immortality until hitting a hiccup in his routine with his latest great-great-whatever grandson. Temporarily reincarnated through a perv cameraman, gramp’s spirit makes TV puppets of high schoolers and races to find his lost teenage vessel. A really good script that hits all the horror beats, my only criticism is wanting to see the effects pushed more and cluing the hero into what’s even happening well before the last reel. Teddy bear cams, shower cams, awkward police car interrogations, ghosts on film, skin problems, possessions, blue ball tactics, step-incest babies, TV soul capturing, know-it-all cripples, and Christian Slater as a pervy cop! 3/5!

ypledgePLEDGE NIGHT (1988?/1990?)

When a fraternity pledge accidentally dies in a tub of acid, his hard-boiled soul climbs out the shitter decades later to exact revenge on the next generation of hardcore pledges. A horrific look at rush week that’s sure to make you cringe, my only criticism is how the ghost of Acid Sid isn’t interwoven well enough through the story, making the film feel like 2 completely different movies by the time he fully enters the picture. Fake turd meals, bug meals, branded asses, rubba-dub deaths, full grown ghost births, deaths on the shitter, nasty shakes, possessions, staged stabbings, pissed off hippies, corrosive combat, impalements, egg beaters to the face, and sword fights. 3/5!

PONTYPOOL (2008)

The folks of a map speck called Pontypool are makin’ national headlines as a verbally transmitted virus turns them into riotin’ cannibal babblers. The world’s only contact within the epidemic is a talk radio station where a velvet voice cowboy DJ and his handlers struggle to report what’s happenin’ before bein’ ripped to shreds or turned into linguistic zombies themselves. Drawin’ obvious inspiration from Orson Well’s original War of the Worlds radio broadcast, this language lover’s cerebral horror flick is an excellent exercise in effective and entertainin’ filmmakin’ on a budget. A tight group of actors, one set, limited interaction with the chaos outside the station that’s perfectly built up by on scene accounts over the phone, and Stephen McHattie successfully carries this film as the story’s central DJ character. Fake radio choppers, worst field reporters ever, sneaky doctors, blood vomitin’, Lawrence of Arabia tunes, nonsense, evil word combos, zombie herds, face bashin’, missin’ cats, and novel ways for makin’ zombies without a lot of explanation! 4/5! 

PREHISTORIC BIMBOS IN ARMAGEDDON CITY (1991)

This flick is essentially the high school production of Robot Holocaust with young girls throwin’ on fur to playfight cosplay wizards and warlords for control of Armageddon City in the apocalyptic future. Only with enough childish imagination can you see past this flick’s nonexistent budget and overlook its inane editin’, abysmal actin’, entire albums of classical stock music playin’ over every scene, zip audio equipment, no boobs, bare minimal bloodshed, and inconsistencies out the ass for an apocalyptic settin’! The only thing that makes this slightly worth while to watch are the garage built robots, mascot aliens, and a duel on bicycles you have to see to disbelieve. Cyborgs, e.t. farm massacres, robotic claws, bad ass scientists, and Alien Halloween props! 1/5!

PzsleepSYCHO SLEEPOVER (2008)

An ’80s high school chick known for killing her psycho axe wielding boy friend (“Ex-boyfriend!”) is invited to a sleepover full of twists and turns the same night 40 insaniacs escape the loony bin and prowl the streets for new victims. An understated Troma movie that deserves more buzz, this works on a lot of levels from its laugh out loud dialogue, mish mash plot borrowing from classic slasher films, and entertaining actors ranging from decent to pretty damn good. Would love to see this re-made with a bigger budget. Cross dressers, slasher clowns, throats slit, death by motorboatin’, vigilante horn dog doctors, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood nods, Sleepaway Camp cameos, decapitations, stabbin’s, boobs, dick on a stick, masturbation galore, travelin’ roleplayin’, Eskimo kisses, girl on cross dresser action, dick necklaces, hands in blenders, shotguns to the face, heart rippin’, and Lloyd Kaufman cameos! 3/5!

zpterPTERODACTYL WOMAN FROM BEVERLY HILLS (1996)

Beverly D’Angelo goes dino shit crazy as she’s cursed to become a pterodactyl woman on weekends after her husband pisses off a shaman for disturbing sacred bones. This cinematic oddity has some interestin’ moments that are worthy of a view, but as a whole, its story is a little all over the place, it feels like it has multiple endings, and seems indecisive as to what genre its trying to tackle, juggling family comedy and what the fuck raunch. Spastic spread eagle aerobics, men changed into lizards, pterodactyl men cannonballs, fish eye lens galore, sex with pterodactyl women, Beverly in the shower, dino bigots, airplanes chasing pterodactyls in the city, schizo government agents, whole fish eaten raw, and dino shrieking galore! 2/5!

ypurge1THE PURGE (2013)

In 2022, America has a new government in place that solves society’s problems with allowing Americans 1 night out of the year to purge their pent up angst and hostility in whatever fashion they choose, even if it’s murder. Ethan Hawke plays a purge home security salesman whose Jones’ mansion is under attack after his “what not to do in a horror movie” son shelters a purge group’s escaped target, resulting in morally debating ultimatums and grisly mayhem. A surprise gripper with some memorable moments and surprise turn of events, my only beef with this are the long sequences in darkness with slivers of flashlights that make it hard to follow at times. Babydoll tankbots, shifty neighbors, hidey holes, and intense knife fights and shotgun action in this mash of The Strangers meets Assault on Precinct 13. 4/5!

ypurge2THE PURGE: ANARCHY (2014)

It’s time for the annual purge and things get fucking crazy in this chase sequel! A Punisher wannabe sets out to purge on the drunk driver who killed his son the year before, but gets caught up playing action hero to a group of anti-purgers caught in the crossfire as the rich and empowered double their efforts to eradicate the poor and downtrodden. Essentially the Running Man meets Escape From New York, this adrenaline fueled sequel keeps you guessing what’s coming next and is a perfect flipside to the first movie where we now see the poor’s struggle against such an insane circumstance. Guns, guns, guns, Most Dangerous Game references, underground rebels, booby traps, purge wranglers, armored cars, flamethrowers, subway death buggies, and a lot of heartbroken revenge seekers. 5/5!

ypurge3THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR (2016)

Experiencing the purge from the perspective of the rich and poor, we now experience it from the political side as the new founding fathers use their national holiday to take out a unsupportive senator who’s hellbent on ridding the purge as soon as she’s elected president. Lucky for her, her bodyguard is the Punisher wannabe from the last movie, and they leave a colorful trail of corpses in their wake as they trek through the underbelly of the nation’s capital with the help of a deli-man’s crew and the underground purge resistance. I would like to have seen the graphic violence and the uneasiness pushed more in this sequel, but it still delivers some nailbiting scenes and keeps the adrenaline going with plenty of costumed crazies in this London Has Fallen meets Escape From New York mix. Murder tourists, knife fights, resistance movements, girls wanting candy, night club drones, Pit and the Pendulum references, metal sawing teddies, gang wars, white power, and on screen beheadings. 4/5!

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