M – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

MAGGIE (2015)

Arnie flexes his actin’ muscle yankin’ audience’s heart strings as a stoic farmer comfortin’ his daughter’s transition into a zombie at which point he has to decide if he or the zombie pound’s gonna put her down. Despite bein’ an anti-climatic bummer of a flick more akin to a cancer drama than a horror, this is a well-made movie that manages to dig the emotions out of ya thanks to a beautiful score. Have that phone ready to speed dial lovin’ messages to folks after watchin’ this. Arnold vs zombies, surprisingly lax quarantine regulations, dyin’ make-out sessions, dead foxes, swat team housecalls, and someone tells Arnie they’ll be back! 3/5! 


Girl next door majorettes are singled out by a masked maniac in camouflage who has an affinity for baptizing. Really stiff acting with a lot of preachy after school moments and layered subplots, the most memorable thing about this movie is how it ditches the slasher story half-way through and detours into a completely separate revenge story with a football player going vigilante Rambo on a murderous biker gang! Girls dancing as well as a Saturday Night Live skit, shower slashing, throat slitting, diving board ambushes, slasher vision, double crosses, gunfights at the trailer home corral, explosions, one of the saddest strip joints ever committed to celluloid, strippers with snakes, shy boobs, peeping tom goobers, and attempted rape. 2/5!


Despite what the cover leads you to believe, this Robocop-lookin’ Full Moon flick is actually a super villain origin story ’bout a Dr. Doom wannabe stealin’ a super android he created with his geezer partner. Powered by an amazin’ new element and operated by a VR helmet, the Mandroid unit helps the evil genius get revenge on his colleagues for his disfigurement and make a fast buck as a weapons dealer. If you’re a Marvel fan, you’re goin’ to enjoy pointin’ out all the Fantastic Four references in this thing! Well shot with a good story and acting, this just needed a stand-out hero and a poster that doesn’t advertise the last minute of the movie. Car wrecks, minin’ with robot fists, crystal freezers, UN agents, tidy bums, silent squatter henchmen, metal masks, toxic disfigurements, techno-psychic links, explosions, dead man draws, boobs, gunshots to the chest, and robot’s biggest weaknesses are their eyes! 3/5! 

MANDY (2018)

Nicholas Cage seeks revenge on a Jesus freak cult of bikers and hippies for killin’ his woman and slaughters them all one by one. A two hour metal movie with as much story as a princess rescuin’ video game, Mandy is visually stunnin’ but a tolerance testin’ slow burn that tempts you to hit that fastforward button after 30-40 minutes of endless slow-mo scenes that do very little to develop the story or characters. If you’re simply wantin’ to see this for Cage’s splatter chainsaw fights with fantasy bikers and cult members, skip ’bout 55 minutes into the movie and have that remote ready to bypass all the artsy fartsy bullshit between throwdowns. Stabbin’s, weapon forgin’, human matchsticks, bike wrecks, magically summoned henchmen, home invasion, kidnappin’, box cutter fightin’, decapitations, barbwire gags, retro porn, nailed hands, lead pipe beatdowns, booger sugar boosts, car wrecks, chainsaw duels, cult leader dongs, pyramids, head crushin’, ax wieldin’ heroes, impaled heads, and jealous hags! 2/5!


A thief pretends to be a babysitter so she and her gang can rob an ol’ bat blind while watchin’ her young’n Mandy, but their heist goes to shit when the ankle biter turns out to be a fussy killer doll. Nowhere near as fun as Chucky but more entertainin’ than Robert, the best part ’bout Mandy is seein’ how the filmmakers pull off their livin’ doll effects with cinema magic tricks like shakin’ her offscreen and usin’ jerky stop-motion. Regardin’ the sours I can’t overlook, the story’s escalation of danger’s a little off, the actors have inconsistent bursts of melodramatic actin’ that leaves me laughin’, and the bookendin’ segments are just unnecessary and feel too much like an afterthought. Possessed dolls that talk, cry, kidnap, and kill, limp wrist granny violence, stabbin’s, coagulated blood droolin’ facials, home invasions, peepin’ rub-a-dub toms, haunted parties, evil cock blocks, spooky deliveries, and dolly breast feedin’! 2/5!

zmanTHE MANITOU (1978)

A red skin midget with some seriously bad mojo is bein’ reincarnated through a lump on the back of a poor woman’s neck, and her floor of the hospital becomes a supernatural battleground between medicine men, quack fortune tellers, and tech savvy doctors. Well acted with some characters you can root for, my only complaint about this scary Native American flick is we never care about the gal with the prego neck because the movie’s not told from her perspective which I think is a BIG miss on the filmmakers’ part. Office computers as big as fridges, possessions, floatin’ seniors, old ladies hurled down flights of stairs, frozen stiffs, airborne headsickles, re-animated minions, surgery room chaos with lasers, scalpels to the hand, botched surgeries, Burgess Meredith gives his two cents on the plot, séances, oily visions, trippin’ backdrops, artic transformations, explosive typewriters, ghost lizards, fireballs, lasers in outer space, and one of the coolest shamans ever captured on celluloid! 3/5!


After an eye surgeon accidentally blinds his daughter in a car wreck, he becomes obsessed with helpin’ her see again with eye transplant after failed eye transplant. Surprisingly, the daughter never questions where her pop’s been gettin’ her new eyes from or hears the blinded victims howlin’ in terror from their cell in the basement. This may start off kind of hum-drum for a horror flick with the well-meanin’ eye doctor lackin’ an engagin’ screen presence, but things get damn creepy when we find out the doctor’s keepin’ his kidnapped donnors alive so he can repay them with new eyes once he figures out a successful technique for the delicate transplant. Eye gougin’, scar tissue galore, hit and runs to your disfigurement, roofies, blind folk in traffic, escape plans, stranger dangers, mugging’s by bums, and Lance Henriksen leads the blind! 4/5!

MARA (2018)

A psychologist has seconds thoughts breakin’ up a family when the mangled sleep paralysis demon they blame for killin’ the man of their house curses her with a deadly case of stoner eyes. Well shot and acted, this is one of the better flicks I’ve seen exploit the phenomenon of sleep paralysis when folks wake up unable to move with the feelin’ of a demonic presence in the room. Far from a bad flick but falls just a little short of bein’ somethin’ special. Four blood poppin’ eye stages, 20 minute power naps, paranormal strangulation, crooked she spooks, gas guzzlin’ suicides, human matchsticks, car wrecks, supernatural marks for death, head twistin’ deaths, fatal sleep studies, near eye lid clippin’, rub a dub scares, surprise corpses, and psych out endin’s! 4/5! 

MARTIN (1978)

Whether he’s a true ass vampire from the turn of the century or a delusional young man, Martin’s druggin’ and killin’ women for their blood, and his holy rollin’ uncle’s gonna save his soul before stakin’ him through the chest. While this “is he, isn’t he” flick is said to be George Romero’s favorite among his movies, it’s a slow burn with a lot of meanderin’ that doesn’t build up to much of a satisfyin’ resolution. Not a bad film whatsoever, but definitely not for everyone. Train car rape, cougar seduction, roofie injections, wrist slittin’ with razors, blood drinkin’, bloodsuckin’ flashbacks/dreams, backyard burials, stakes through the heart, home invasions, cops ‘n crooks shootouts, and Tom Savini without his ‘stach! 3/5!

MAYHEM (2017)

A big shot law office is infected with a red eye disease that makes people go ape shit, and one wrongly fired ladder climber kills his way to the top of the corporate food chain to get his job back with help from a crazy hot chick. A wildly violent video game-like flick with music video flare, this delivers the action and craziness it promises with very smart likeable characters worth rootin’ for. The first act drags a bit to establish character, but it’s time well spent for the satisfyin’ payoff at the end. Stabbin’s, impalements, pissin’ on bodies, fatal freefalls, head bashin’, nailgun sharpshooters, scissors through hands, HR dumpster fires, brass knuckle throwdowns, powersaw violence, boobs, office sex, blackmail sex vids, cutthroat promotions, and nine iron smashin’! 4/5! 


A corporation dumps its toxic waste in the desert and mutates run of the mill scorpions into big-ass bugs invadin’ a halfway house for crooks and loonies. This flick may not have the biggest budget for a satisfyin’ amount of scorpion action that’s a mix of practical effects and CGI, but it’s a well written story with engagin’ characters that hold your interest. Liquefied insides, decapitations, arrogant mayors, death by stingers, bloody remains, mutant cock blocks, attempted rape, random residents out of the blue, Brinke Stevens washes the dishes, and Trent Haaga plays up the crazy! 3/5!


In a Mad-Maxish future with aliens and G.I.Joe vehicles, a leather clad ranger tracks down a power hungry wizard named Jared-Syn for instigatin’ a holy wasteland war to exploit a race of cyclops and their soul stealin’ crystals. Plenty of toyetic action in this sc-fi fantasy romp for fans of ’80s cartoons to enjoy, even with shoddy blue screen effects from time to time. The hero doesn’t have much of a personality, but thank Charlie Band for bringin’ Tim Thomerson into the fold to liven things up! Flyin’ assault vehicles, road warrior rides, interdimensional chases, hallucinogen spewin’ cyborgs, one eyed warriors, sand snakes, holy alien relics, crystal masks, fatal crystals, laser duels, teleportation, throwin’ stars, electric crystal monsters, wrecks, and explosions! 4/5!  


When a university threatens to yank fundin’ for a young scientist whippin’ up a youth serum, the hot shot takes the human guinea pig route and suffers the consequences as he slowly turns into . . . a dinosaur?! You have to see it to disbelieve it, Scream Freaks! This body horror flick is respectfully shot and acted but lacks any of the terror or suspenseful escalation of bodily transformation as best seen in Cronenberg’s The Fly. You’ll either be laughin’ hysterically or feelin’ cheated of a monstrous payoff once the goofy dino-dragon busts into the final scene for its pterodactyl song. Needles to the eyes, lab monkey experiments, teachers canoodlin’ with students, carnival transformations, violent Jekyll and Hyde blackouts, and violence against the handicap! 3/5!


In this loose unofficial sequel to The Deadly Spawn, a corporation’s scientist is accidentally bitten by an alien mutant he’s studying when his girlfriend wants to suck face, and he transforms into a giant walking dick with teeth, spitting tentacles and poison filled meat paddies with fangs out vaginas in its sides. Stuck running circles in the compound between the B-movie beast and the knuckleheads after him, our last girls are two out of place sisters looking for their security guard father the alien genitals ate earlier. This film’s story structure is completely fucked as we spend half the movie in flashback telling the doc’s lab accident to the specialists assigned to simply hunt a big ass monster in the hallways, and the other half with the sisters who would make more sense as one of the doctor’s children instead of a security guard extra. Cool cheesy effects though. Body horror, cocoon transformations, mutant alien critters, mutant alien dogs, puppets, stop motion, atom smashers = alien smashers, answering machine epitomes, bad bad bad acting, humored scientists, horrible fight choreography, medical instruments dropped in patients, decapitations, airborne heads, and ravaged corpses. 3/5! 


A wife buys an oven size microwave for crazy nuke meals that send her husband over the edge and start cooking himself human barbecue in the kitchen marvel to satisfy his need for a good bite. 10x better than expected, this is a fun VHS era film with plenty of humor, violence, and boobs to satisfy any horror fan with exploitative taste. Bodily dismemberment, strip joints, vengeful decapitated heads, hooter holes, urinating simulations, refrigerated body parts, and one of the best va-va-voom openings ever captured on celluloid. 4/5!

ymidnightTHE MIDNIGHT HOUR (1985)

Small town teens steal historic pilgrim attire from their local museum for Halloween and pull an Evil Dead when they recite a curse they find among the antiques that releases all walks of spooks and ghouls on their unsuspecting town. Full of fun characters, ’80s music, and laugh out loud moments, this family friendly, made for TV flick is an excellent G rated horror for those wanting to take a break from the heavier blood and guts kind of movies. Elves in shades, zombie make-out sessions, 1950s nostalgia, drag races, vampire witches, dog owners turned werewolf, Halloween song and dance numbers, hot for teachers, ketchup mummies, skeletal paperboys, and graveyard finales! 4/5!


A deadpan gal and her platonic guy friend play a forbidden game they find in her addled granny’s attic for the hell of it but should have finished readin’ all the directions, ’cause now a creepy pasta boogey man’s after them in a supernaturally charged mindfuck game of tag. This flick looks great and starts with a lot of promise, but is ultimately a slow burnin’ Tom and Jerry story without a lot of escalation or high stakes for lackluster characters who have no real motivation for doin’ half of what they do. Eye poppin’ effects, stabbin’s, salt circles, suicidal throat slittin’, guilt ridden rabbit killers, freaky lookin’ Easter bunnies, sneaky mannequins, explodin’ young’ns, blood vomitin’, mutilated faces, possessions, out of place lookin’ doctors, hangin’s, and Robert Englund serves up confusin’ confessions, exposition, and his own death! 3/5!


This flick starts with a lot of promise and then fizzles out like a sick dog fart. Years after a teen is slashed durin’ a horror film festival by an unknown killer, the small town theater re-opens its doors with another horror film festival the owners hope will block out the last disaster, and the locals are livid. Sure enough, history repeats itself with the mysterious slasher returnin’ to hack particular folks up, but the horror is so sparse and non-existent in this incoherent mess of a pointless story, you don’t give two shits who the killer is by the end. I recommend you just watch the openin’ tribute to Friday the 13th with a boob-tastic parody of Kevin Beacon’s death then skip all the pissin’ time drama to the last 10-15 minutes for the rest of the horror you came to see. Theater panic, hangin’s, fake knife fightin’, stabbin’ suicides, husband bashin’, and overprotective mothers! 2/5! 


Pre-famous Bradley Cooper plays an eager photographer tryin’ to capture the grittier side of his city but gets more than he bargained for when he snaps pics of a supernatural slasher he feels he’s gotta stop from butcherin’ night owls on the subway. This is a really great film with slick cinematography, flawless castin’, and over the top gore! While its twist endin’ is easily predictable, the same can’t exactly be said for the mysterious evil linked to the killer which I personally would like explained a little more. Side boob, naughty photoshoot breakdowns, meat tenderizers to the head, eye gougin’, flesh carvin’, tooth yankin’, toe nail jerkin’, disembowelments, folk hung by their feet on hooks, train duels with butcher tools, bodily souvenirs in jars, head bashin’, tongue rippin’, underground monster feasts, and a cameo by Ted Raimi! 4/5!


In this chase flick from Cannon, a woman flees her marriage ’cause she claims her police hubby is more married to his job, and she gives a lift to a hitchhiker played by Mark Hamill on the way. After a few miles, she figures out Mark’s got a bit of a slasher complex and spends the rest of the night tryin’ to ditch his crazy ass while avoidin’ her husband’s hunt for her on the backroads of California. While the lightin’, camerawork, and score are slick and impressive, this flick’s ultimate flaw is its script. Aside from the chase action quickly gettin’ old and repetitive, the biggest problem is the characters bein’ confusin’ as hell. I can’t tell if the wife is an emotionally abused victim racin’ from a possessive workaholic, or if the husband is a committed cop genuinely worried about his wife and admirably refusin’ to let their marriage fall apart. Even Mark was one foot off the merry-go-round with a performance that kind of stalls after the first 40 minutes. I was hopin’ for him to break out the Joker crazy he’d become widely known for after this flick, but he plays the killer more on par with a chilled out Trickster from The Flash. The best scene with Mark is when he meets a glass eyed clerk he doesn’t like! Car chases, car thefts, disguised slashers, guys strapped to car hoods and slammed into the back of tractor trailors, explosions, car wrecks, car collisions, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, glass eye jewelry, glass eye suckin’, photo souvenirs, electrocutions, electroshock therapies, gunshots to the head, family trauma, bus driver dress-up, ambulance driver dress-up, cop dress-up, gun fights, wrecked gas stations! 3/5!


Wes Craven presents Lance Henriksen detourin’ his family vacation to answer a house call at a secret desert lab where his former co-workers are on the run from his former guinea pig patient named Thor who’s been turned into a pterodactyl screechin’ brain sucker. This is one of them kinda films that’s split right down the middle when it comes to its best and worst parts. The actin’s fair, the story’s easy enough to follow, and the effects are impressive, but opposite that, it takes Lance and his family nearly an hour of pissin’ time before they’re finally included in the monster’s Tom and Jerry plot, the science gets a little complicated, and I still can’t figure out why Lance’s son was ’bout to shoot him ‘less he show he survived an attack. Bold boyfriends gettin’ handsy in front of their girl’s dad, shower scenes with ass, electrocutions, severed mouth props, brain suckin’ through the nose and eyes, buckets of brains, near fatal freefalls from planes, van chases with explosions, security hand prints, trails of brain bait, monstrous transformations, ear removals, syringe sticks, mini-lab mutants, super soldier government plots, gunshots to the chest, neck breakin’, oral appendages, home alone traps with toxic barrels, and Wolverine powers in action! 3/5!


A gang of horn dog city slickers catch gold fever and invade an abandoned minin’ town where they find a buttload of gold belongin’ to a resurrected miner who’ll kill anyone who so much as looks at it. A movie that finally takes Scooby-Doo villains as serious threats, this supernatural slasher flick is better than your average killer in the woods disasterpiece, packed with plenty of B-movie ingredients that made ’80s horror films so much fun to watch. Severed arms, treasure quests, boobs, pick-axe arms, Jeepers Creepers lookin’ villains, decapitations, human matchsticks, flamin’ finales, shittin’ in the woods, impalements, flyin’ shovels to the neck, pick-axes to the gut, tourist trap justice, and a handful of recognizable actors from popular action/horror movies! 4/5!  


It’s New Year’s Eve, though it barely seems like it, and a trio of facially deformed killers set out to kill a bunch of partyin’ coworkers in a remote cabin for reasons I could care less ’bout. This is one of them mixed bag kinda flicks when there’s as many sweets as there are sours. This is a well shot movie full of hot babes and entertainin’ enough characters with at least one intimidatin’ killer after them ‘, but the story doesn’t really build, and the killers just aren’t that effective as a whole. Wrestler John Hennigan steals the shows layin’ the whoop-ass on the slashers, and the best part to watch for is when William Baldwin and Richard Grieco share a scene as if they’re playin’ the same whispery gravel voiced character. Arrows to the back and shoulders, axes to the shoulders, maces made from spines and spiked skulls, weapons made from bones, impalement, boobs in the shower, throat slittin’, life and death liquor guzzlin’, bullied backgrounds, wrestlin’ avengers, Ed Gein decor, brains on the walls, bloody finger paintin’, strung up bodies, drunk brawls, hoighty toighty New Year’s Eve party massacres with boobs, decapitations, and Bill Moseley pretty much collects a check reprisin’ Otis from Devil’s Rejects! 3/5! 

THE MIST (2007)

A mist full of interdimensional critters settles over a small town and traps scared grocery shoppers who bitch over its origins. This Stephen King based flick could have easily been a lot of suspense bullshit with nothin’ but a fog machine, but thank the filmmakers for puttin’ in plenty of shitty CG monster action. The drama holds up, we root for the hero with every growin’ danger, we get explanations and resolution by the end, and there’s folks you can’t wait to see what’s comin’ to them! Flesh eatin’ tentacles, thunderstorms, giant critters, spider critters with acidic web, flyin’ critters with stingers, human matchsticks, soldiers full of baby spiders, religious fanatics, patriotic sacrifices, gunshots to the head, dead young’ns, suicide pacts, rescue line fails, men eaten in half, brave old ladies, death by poisonous stingers, monster cruises, and several Walkin’ Dead vets! 4/5! 


Casper Van Dien rides into the bloodsuckin’ side of L.A. as a rugged vampire named Dallas who’s lookin’ to collect his trailer trash progeny before Dracula or Van Helsing kill her for recklessly slashin’ Hollywood horn dogs lookin’ for a good time. This is one of those annoyin’ kind of films that works half the time but irritates the piss out of me the rest. The worst bein’ Dallas’ Jerry Springer reject of a progeny girlfriend. She ain’t the tough chick with a heart of gold I think the filmmakers were goin’ for, and I don’t think enough was done to show why Dallas even cares about her to begin with. Right behind her is a wacky vampire performance by Craig Ferguson that’s just too ridiculous to enjoy. The only reason you should bother watchin’ this flick is for the fully nude vampire torture club that’s got some extreme moments, and Van Helsing hirin’ Crip gang members for killin’ vamps but unfortunately become bloodsuckers themselves after gang bangin’ Kim Cattrall in full bat creature make-up! See it to disbelieve it, Scream Freaks! Vamp match sticks, trailer park brawls, extra crispy bloodsuckers, Faces of Death blood feasts, caged flesh, bubble bath boobs, vamps neckin’ vamps, classic Couger rides, decapitations, bloodsuckin’ meltdowns, Van Dien sandwiched between two ugly chicks, and folks who seem blind to blatant vampire teeth! 3/5! 

ymongMONGREL (1982)

Bunch of grown men living in a boarding house act like college pranking assholes and accidentally kill one of the tenants with a faulty lamp, causing his closest friend with a dog phobia to have a mental breakdown and kill them like a savage man-dog. Entertaining characters with some funny quirks, but really needed more creative deaths and camera work to play up the horror. Dead dog dress-up, puppy massacres, burping growls, rabid man vision, tomato squishing fetishes, flirting with books, awkward introductions, and one dog shot dead. 3/5!

zshineMONKEY SHINES (1988)

A man is struck down in his prime and confined to a motorized wheelchair as a quadriplegic relyin’ on the assistance of a genetically altered helper monkey he develops a psychic bond with. But as the furry go-fer gets smarter, she develops a murderous Planet of the Apes attitude no treat can save folks from. You’ll laugh, you’ll feel your heart strings tugged, and then you’ll be rollin’ in the floor as you watch one of the most entertainin’ dysfunctional couples ever captured on celluloid with an amazin’ performance by Jason Beghe! Critter hugs, rub-a-dub deaths, quadriplegic sex scenes, killer monkey vision, flammin’ assassinations, mothers slappin’ their paralyzed children around, monkeys pissin’ on the handicap, name callin’, and monkeys “in” your back! 5/5!


Fair warning, the title’s a fucking lie. There ain’t no monsters in this flick! A meteorite crashes in the desert, breaking up into a bunch of black rocks that grow into life sucking skyscrapers when in contact with water. Folks petrify, the public panics, the rocks shoot up into crumbling mountains destroying the landscape, and scientists rush to figure out how to stop it before the world perishes. Descent movie, but can’t get around how the title had me expecting people defending themselves against those mutated into heinous monsters by sinister monoliths sent to Earth from hostile aliens. 3/5!


A college professor is infected by gamma radiated bacteria from a goober fish fossil and reverts to a killer Neanderthal who wants everyone dead for no reason. Collect calls to Madagascar, monster dragonflies on wires, blood drinking fangled tooth canines (who are never harmed), Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dynamics with Wolfman transformations, and the coolest looking axe-welding ape man to come out of the ’50s. 4/5!


Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A demon, a vampire, and a werewolf walk into a haunted house durin’ a lunar eclipse and make believers out of amateur filmmakers shootin’ a dinner for schmucks kind of documentary about people claimin’ to be “real” monsters. While this found footage flick offers a fun idea with a nice mix of monsters and victims for our buck, it’s ultimately hurt by conversations that lack organic flow, looong stretches of incomprehensive shaky cam chases, unjustified use of certain cameras that break the documentary vibe, and the Jamal character comes off a little too larger than life compared to the rest of the cast. Old satanic hang-outs, junkie blood drinkin’, demonic possessions, sexy tattooed she-vamps, Native American skinwalkers, cults, scary shadows, werewolf hunts, stabbin’s, meltdown corpses, Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, lunar eclipses, and twist endin’s! 3/5! 


An American cement plant is pollutin’ the waters of a Colombian village and may be responsible for a giant rubber serpent eatin’ folk ’round the lake. While reps from the plant hunt the beast (fishin’ from helicopters with plastic explosive stuffed lambs), the rest of the village is busy with loosely related plots that have zip impact on this monster flick like guerilla activists and witch hunts. Flings on the beach, secretaries gettin’ their asses fondled durin’ meetin’s, mad cursin’ execs, doggy death scares, egg-cellent twist endings, giant rubber monster claws, young’n detectives, dead fish, women burned at the stake, explosive suicides by accident, and John Carradine as a witch hatin’ pastor! 2/5


This is a sequel to Bruce Campbell’s schlockluster with Star Trek’s Chekov, but has nothin’ to do with their storyline about preventin’ killer cyborgs from invadin’ Earth from the moon. One of the most unconvincin’ onscreen couples is hired by the boss from The Nanny to investigate an ancient spaceship that’s been unearthed, and most of them end up gettin’ flown to the moon where they find sleepin’ moon men and their rock’em sock’em robots dukin’ it out like Mexican action figures. The actin’ is stiffer than mornin’ wood, the sets are insanely limited, the editin’ is an insult to the profession, the cinematography is uninspirin’, and the special effects are a toss up from Photoshop moons to shitty green screens and CGI spaceships. After 20-30 minutes in, I watched the rest of the movie on fastforward. Blurred boobs, toasted one-man cheerleaders, Eyes Wide Shut nods, robot fights, strangulations, spaceship crashes, trippy moon dreams, wimpy laser eyes, head rippin’, Total Recall terraformin’ endin’s, and at least one character gets ass-imulated by a robot! 1/5!  

ymorMORTUARY (1983)

Bill Paxton was an ’80s slasher?! You read right, James Cameron’s favorite actor played a mortician’s demented son who falls head over grave for a girl from his school and starts takin’ out anyone that would stand between him and his soon to be embalmed bride. An average slasher film that’s not bad by any means, it’s Bill’s performance that really elevates this movie to being a memorable piece of horror cinema. Paxton jump scares, secret séances, tire scares, roller boogies, sleepwalking, fireplace sex scenes, stabbings, impalements, dead man’s weddings, axes to the back, and skipping through cemeteries! 4/5!

zmosqMOSQUITO (1995)

Mosquitos drink alien blood at a U.F.O crash site and mutate into an even bigger annoyance! Park rangers, a scientist, and crooks led by Gunnar Hansen must work together in a laughable ensemble of so-so acting against literal eye-popping gore effects that can only be defeated with fog machines, mobile homes, refrigerators, and a man-size chainsaw wielded by the original Leatherface himself! Aliens, puppets, stop-motion, gore, camp sex with full frontal, and a horror icon . . . what else you need?   3/5!

ymov3MOST LIKELY TO DIE (2015)

Former high school classmates reunite for a pre-party to their 10 year reunion, but a masked killer crashes the fun in this wonderful homage to ’80s slasher flicks. Better than most modern horrors trying to recapture the glory days of knife welding psychos in disguises, this film perfectly hits the beats from its fully developed cast and fitting soundtrack to the witty kills and number of boobs on screen. Razor-tipped graduation caps, strangulations, whodunit mysteries, effective jump scares, close-up throat slitting, head ripping, and hissy cookie fits. 4/5!

zmotelMOTEL HELL (1980)

For 30 years, Farmer Vincent has made a successful livin’ providin’ smoked meats out of his rural motel, but his family recipe’s at risk once folks start realizing the secret ingredient is motorists he’s been capturing on the back roads like Wile E. Coyote. A film that’s beautifully shot, lit, and scored with a wonderfully warped minded villain who lives by the philosophy “meat is meat,” this has one of the most inventive and disturbin’ ideas ever committed to celluloid for capturin’ and farmin’  people like livestock. Most curious part about this film is why the filmmakers didn’t try to scare us more with seein’ the horror through the eyes of the girl who shacks up at the motel throughout the duration of the film. Cardboard cow roadblocks, slit throats, slit vocal chords, people buried up to their necks, necks snapped, smoked torsos, amputated hands and feet, human jerky, car wrecks, swimmin’ hole struggles, boobs in the bath, nubiles wantin’ senior action, chainsaw duels, random pig heads for masks, scary pranks on youngn’s, damsels in distress, lynch mob, psychedelic spaceship trips, bear traps vs rock band vans, motorcycle crashes, Wolfman Jack as a preacher, dates at the drive-in, picnic stories about eatin’ smoked dogs, and swingers lookin’ for action! 4/5!

MOTHER! (2017)

A lovin’ housewife does her best to support her strugglin’ poet of a husband while fixin’ up their rural dream house, but things spin out of control as he keeps invitin’ hectic strangers and ravenous fans into their home who literally tear their lives apart. That’s this flick on the surface as advertised by the studio for it bein’ a mystery/horror flick. In actuality, this is a mind-fuck metaphor of an artistic expression that’s normally reserved for bein’ presented through poems or surreal paintin’s as opposed to mainstream movies. It’s my interpretation this free-wheelin’ stream of consciousness is a artsy fartsy representation of God and Mother Earth’s relationship with mankind and its destructive behavior. Could be wrong, but you gotta watch for yourself and remember this is from the same director who confused us with The Fountain. Fixer upper homes in flux, raves, party crashers, stabbin’s, baby eatin’, hawked up toilet clogs, explosions, human matchsticks, essence rippin’, redo stones, indoor prison camps, swat action, J-Law’s beat-up boobs, broken sinks, and jumpscare frogs! 3/5!


Don’t let the title fool ya, ’cause this ain’t really a Krampus flick but a movie ’bout one of his Eastern Europe associates, Frau Perchta the Christmas Witch. The children of a small town are disappearin’, and their panicked parents think it’s the fulfillment of a decades ol’ curse cast by a witch they lynched for supposedly killin’ their young’ns. With only a handful of families left hidin’ from Perchta’s punishment Christmas Eve night, the supernatural assassin of the naughty moves fast to round up the remainin’ rugrats and slaughter their folks for their sins. Despite Perchta bein’ falsely advertised as Krampus, she still proves herself worthy of spreadin’ holiday fear in her own feature. The actin’s decent, there’s some creative kills, and the musical score is waaay too good for this feature with unnervin’ drones and creepy renditions of Christmas tunes. The biggest flaws I gotta bitch ’bout mainly regard the script with characters repeatin’ the same backstory over and over again, a convoluted plot that can stand to cut or combine certain details, and loose ends with the fate of the captured brats that somehow plays into the bigger picture of keepin’ the last young’n safe. Disembowelments, innards stuffed with yard waste and Christmas lights, heart rippin’, human Christmas décor, axes in the head, burnin’ facials, strangers with candy, stabbin’s, turkey cosplay feasts, flesh cookies, mouths sewn shut, Candyman nods, blood lickin’, satanic inductions, family drama out the ass, and boyfriends literally eatin’ their girlfriends! 3/5!


If ya thought ya felt gypped when the first Mother Krampus turned out to really be ’bout the Christmas witch Frau Perchta, you’re gonna be doubly pissed when I tell ya neither she nor Krampus is in this sequel! This Christmas Eve horror features an ax happy mental patient in an altered Michael Myers mask who slaughters an entire family and assumes their granny’s identity. Shortly after, the soup kitchen sends an entertainin’ gang of community service criminals to clean the family’s house and the crazy ol’ loon invites them in for more holiday hackin’. Despite the misleadin’ title, this flick’s got a lot of good ideas and decent enough actin’ to stand as its own flick outside of the Mother Krampus series. The film’s biggest short comin’ is how long the interval between the openin’ and closin’ kills is, almost makin’ me forget this is even a horror film. Eye gougin’ with glass decor, poisoned soup, merry drag queen musicals, axes to the faces and back, stab happy overkill, stiffs in the attic, girls in lingerie, cripple deaths, undercover police operations, bangin’ in the car without nudity, and booger sugar! 3/5! 

ymothMOTHMAN (2010)

Mothman is a supernatural vigilante hunting unpunished killers through the reflective backwoods of Point Pleasant at random times and for whatever reason has his sights set on a group of friends who accidentally drowned a sibling while horseplaying 10 years prior. One of the better Syfy flicks, the cast was convincing, the Mothman wasn’t half bad, the script was strong, but I felt it betrayed its own monster rules a time or 2 and didn’t paint the best picture of the real-life Mothman festival or its people. Native American origins, Silver Bridge chaos, Mothman festival chaos, eye gouging, bone knives, bikini dipping, basement dungeons, heavily super imposed CGI moths . . . better than the Mothman Prophecies! 3/5!

MS. 45 (1981)
Livin’ in what has to be the roughest part of New York, a mute seamstress is rapped on two separate occasions walkin’ home one evenin’ and becomes a man-hatin’ vigilante shootin’ every man who so much as gives a flirty look. Certainly a bizarre film that can be called Deathwish in a dress, there’s an uncomfortable escalation of violence that’s arguably necessary for Ms. 45’s motivation for street justice, but I’m not totally convinced of her steady transformation from a scared meek girl defendin’ herself to an unhinged psycho openly blowin’ men away at parties. Head bashin’ with irons, rapes, gun shots to the chest and face, Halloween party massacres, photo-shoots, tubs of hacked up rapists, rapist jerky treats, hide and seek body parts, and happy endin’s for dogs! 3/5!

MS. CLAUS (2018)

In this throwback to formulaic slasher movies that defined the ’80s, some psycho cosplayin’ as Santa’s duller half crashes a sorority’s Christmas party and slaughters guests with yuletide yard decorations. Caught somewhere between low budget and no budget, this is a respectable attempt at a holiday horror that hits all the plot points for a decent scary flick. It’s got tragic backstories, damaged last girls, and, most importantly, a masked killer graphically hackin’ folks to an unexpected twist endin’. Far from a masterpiece, there’s plenty of little things that can be punched up to make this more excitin’ to watch, like the camerawork and lightin’, but it ain’t nothin’ spiked eggnog can’t help ya through. Deep throat candy canes, slumberin’ stabbin’s, mellow yellow hazin’, dildo initiations, pasty boobs, strangulation, skewered lovers, decapitations, fatal gunshots, wacky tobacky, suicidal hangin’s, bullyin’ PSAs, upset mothers on emotional rollercoasters, tree topper eye gougin’, and Brinke Stevens guest stars as Snoopy Tits! 3/5!

THE MUMMY (2017)

In this gender swappin’ remake that hopes to revive the Universal monsters in a series of crossover flicks, Tom Cruise plays a thievin’ soldier who accidentally frees a power hungry she-mummy with a mad crush for him. Sandblastin’ her way through Europe and Dr. Jekyll’s secret monster squad, she-mummy must capture her runaway co-star and prep his body as a vessel for her partner in world domination, Set. I think this is a good attempt at a new flick for a classic monster, and it’s about fuckin’ time we leave all that Victorian era bullshit behind for a modern update! The cons do outweigh the pros, however. Tom’s character feels underdeveloped and lacks chemistry with his human love interest. The mummy scenes need to push the envelope more and give us somethin’ we’ve never seen before. The action toward the end was too dark and cheatin’ us of enjoyin’ the special effects, and Jekyll’s level of involvement makes this feel more like an open ended chapter in a series rather than a stand alone flick. Crusadin’ mummies, underwater mummies, possessions, mercury embalmin’, ghost buddies, American Werewolf in London nods, mummy sandstorms, origin flashbacks, camel spiders, explosions, treasure hunts, Egyptian rituals, resurrections, fatal Frenchin’, soul sucked mummies, heavy swarms of rats, Iraqi terrorists, drone air strikes, monster prop museum, plane crashes, and Tom Cruise vs Mr. Hyde! 3/5!

y12MURDER PARTY (2007)

A cardboard knight attends a Halloween party he randomly finds an invitation for and is ambushed by a group of competing artists wanting to murder him in the name of art. This is a very quirky offbeat kind of film, but it works in its own unique way from the chemistry among the incompetent murderers to their awkward interactions with the victim. Definitely worth a watch! Cardboard camouflage, fatal pumpkin breads, asshole cats, cranked up dress-up dogs, mass beatings, electric chainsaws, booze and fire, truth or truth serum games, crispy werewolves, cheerleaders in freezers, bullets to heads, epic fail escapes, bi-sexual fucking, love sick pop-sickle sticks, chainsaws to the face, and costumes from The Warriors and Blade Runner! 4/5!

murderweapon8991MURDER WEAPON (1989)

The best and breast parts are few and far between in this poorly edited story that leaves you scratching your noggin. I think Linnea Quigley and her side-saddlin’ co-star vixen are released from an asylum (which I can’t explain why or how they got there) and party it up with a bunch of guys they invite over to one of their mobster dad’s houses. Then, for no real reason, a laundry sack face slasher starts killing all the guys in over the top gore-tastic glory, saving this film from being a total loss. Barely a blip of tension, this painfully slow flick plays more like a sad soap not even bikini babes in boots could save. Head bashing, shotguns to the face, chest bursting, gagging on hearts, impressive head to toe fire stunts, choppy motions in the ocean, poolside banter, Linnea possibly playing a 10 year old, and the infamous actor who played Ricky in Silent Night Deadly Night 2 shows he might be a better actor than we gave him cred for! 2/5!

zmurdMURDERCYCLE (1999)

An alien symbiote searching for lost e.t. tech merges with a dirt biker and becomes a wheelie poppin’ force of slow-mo destruction. Only a secret mission force can stop him if they can keep from bein’ zapped and run over. This is a decent attempt at a fairly interesting sounding story with well thought out soldier drama at its core, but we’re watching this flick for the killer bike and it was grossly underachieved. Murdercycle-vision, spies, psychics, e.t. tech balls, Marvel comic nods galore, annoying u.f.o. nerds actually making the movie better, weak lasers, burnt soldiers, and psychic rape ethics! 3/5!

zmutMUTANT HUNT (1987)

Doped up psycho sexual mutant cyborgs are killing people in the streets, and it’s up to a merc and his friends to save the city for a paycheck. From the stock sound effects and gritty sets to the  repetitive score and fight choreographies, this is more or less a hands free video game that’s one sci-fi brawl after another. Stretch Armstrong limbs, tinfoil arms, crawling hands, furniture chaos, severed hands, dislocated jaws, head ripping, karate chops, cyborg gore, aerobic bar shows, puppet heads, pleasure droids, drugs of the future, impaled faces, super army plots, big bad boss mutant fights, machetes, bow and arrows, bimbos tossed out windows, hand to hand underwear combat, gooey head stomping, melting faces, glowing hands, neo punks, and side boobs! 3/5!


An alcoholic hunter drinks himself into homicidal madness at his beach house and drunkenly butchers a gang of house crashers led by his son who he hates for accidentally shootin’ his wife years ago. Even though this flick has weird dashes of comedy thrown in the mix like Randy Newman soundin’ doo-da tunes and folks movin’ at Benny Hill speed, this is a decently memorable slasher with entertainin’ enough (ahem) actors and impressive death scenes done by Evil Dead 2 alum. Boobs in a milky pool, weedwackers to the chest, drownin’s, decapitations by axe, folks on hooks, stabbin’s, cars cuttin’ folks in two, throwin’ pyramids to the face, games of hide and seek in the dark, impalements with pitchforks, awkwardly framed boatin’ accidents, and the most wince worthy scene is a gal gettin’ a big ass fishin’ hook up the va jay jay! 3/5!  


Survivin’ a psycho miner’s Valentine’s Day massacre 10 years earlier, a wayward son comes back to his minin’ hometown around the anniversary and freaks when the killer has seemingly come back from the dead to swing his pickaxe through more people’s faces. For a remake, this is top-notch, gore drenched, boobtastic entertainment that pays homage to the original while puttin’ a new spin on its material. Supernatural‘s Jensen Ackles delivers a strong performance that’s a mix of his Dawson’s Creek sentimentality with Dean Winchester grit, there’s enough special effects to satisfy any gorehound, and the 3D gags ain’t all they’re cracked up to be but still well done. Eye-poppin’ gore, pickaxes through heads and faces, explosions, gunfights, full frontal chases, hotel bangin’, mine parties, heart rippin’, literal bloody valentines, crispy spin cycle corpses, car wrecks, and Fight Club twist endin’s! 4/5! 

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