M – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

zmanTHE MANITOU (1978)

A red skin midget with some seriously bad mojo is bein’ reincarnated through a lump on the back of a poor woman’s neck, and her floor of the hospital becomes a supernatural battleground between medicine men, quack fortune tellers, and tech savvy doctors. Well acted with some characters you can root for, my only complaint about this scary Native American flick is we never care about the gal with the prego neck because the movie’s not told from her perspective which I think is a BIG miss on the filmmakers’ part. Office computers as big as fridges, possessions, floatin’ seniors, old ladies hurled down flights of stairs, frozen stiffs, airborne headsickles, re-animated minions, surgery room chaos with lasers, scalpels to the hand, botched surgeries, Burgess Meredith gives his two cents on the plot, séances, oily visions, trippin’ backdrops, artic transformations, explosive typewriters, ghost lizards, fireballs, lasers in outer space, and one of the coolest shamans ever captured on celluloid! 3/5!

ymajTHE MAJORETTES (1987)

Girl next door majorettes are singled out by a masked maniac in camouflage who has an affinity for baptizing. Really stiff acting with a lot of preachy after school moments and layered subplots, the most memorable thing about this movie is how it ditches the slasher story half-way through and detours into a completely separate revenge story with a football player going vigilante Rambo on a murderous biker gang! Girls dancing as well as a Saturday Night Live skit, shower slashing, throat slitting, diving board ambushes, slasher vision, double crosses, gunfights at the trailer home corral, explosions, one of the saddest strip joints ever committed to celluloid, strippers with snakes, shy boobs, peeping tom goobers, and attempted rape. 2/5!

zmetaMETAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR (1990)

In this loose unofficial sequel to The Deadly Spawn, a corporation’s scientist is accidentally bitten by an alien mutant he’s studying when his girlfriend wants to suck face, and he transforms into a giant walking dick with teeth, spitting tentacles and poison filled meat paddies with fangs out vaginas in its sides. Stuck running circles in the compound between the B-movie beast and the knuckleheads after him, our last girls are two out of place sisters looking for their security guard father the alien genitals ate earlier. This film’s story structure is completely fucked as we spend half the movie in flashback telling the doc’s lab accident to the specialists assigned to simply hunt a big ass monster in the hallways, and the other half with the sisters who would make more sense as one of the doctor’s children instead of a security guard extra. Cool cheesy effects though. Body horror, cocoon transformations, mutant alien critters, mutant alien dogs, puppets, stop motion, atom smashers = alien smashers, answering machine epitomes, bad bad bad acting, humored scientists, horrible fight choreography, medical instruments dropped in patients, decapitations, airborne heads, and ravaged corpses. 3/5! 

ymicroMICROWAVE MASSACRE (1983)

A wife buys an oven size microwave for crazy nuke meals that send her husband over the edge and start cooking himself human barbecue in the kitchen marvel to satisfy his need for a good bite. 10x better than expected, this is a fun VHS era film with plenty of humor, violence, and boobs to satisfy any horror fan with exploitative taste. Bodily dismemberment, strip joints, vengeful decapitated heads, hooter holes, urinating simulations, refrigerated body parts, and one of the best va-va-voom openings ever captured on celluloid. 4/5!

ymidnightTHE MIDNIGHT HOUR (1985)

Small town teens steal historic pilgrim attire from their local museum for Halloween and pull an Evil Dead when they recite a curse they find among the antiques that releases all walks of spooks and ghouls on their unsuspecting town. Full of fun characters, 80s music, and laugh out loud moments, this family friendly, made for TV flick is an excellent G rated horror for those wanting to take a break from the heavier blood and guts kind of movies. Elves in shades, zombie make-out sessions, 1950s nostalgia, drag races, vampire witches, dog owners turned werewolf, Halloween song and dance numbers, hot for teachers, ketchup mummies, skeletal paperboys, and graveyard finales! 4/5!

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)

Pre-famous Bradley Cooper plays an eager photographer tryin’ to capture the grittier side of his city but gets more than he bargained for when he snaps pics of a supernatural slasher he feels he’s gotta stop from butcherin’ night owls on the subway. This is a really great film with slick cinematography, flawless castin’, and over the top gore! While its twist endin’ is easily predictable, the same can’t exactly be said for the mysterious evil linked to the killer which I personally would like explained a little more. Side boob, naughty photoshoot breakdowns, meat tenderizers to the head, eye gougin’, flesh carvin’, tooth yankin’, toe nail jerkin’, disembowelments, folk hung by their feet on hooks, train duels with butcher tools, bodily souvenirs in jars, head bashin’, tongue rippin’, underground monster feasts, and a cameo by Ted Raimi! 4/5!

ymongMONGREL (1982)

Bunch of grown men living in a boarding house act like college pranking assholes and accidentally kill one of the tenants with a faulty lamp, causing his closest friend with a dog phobia to have a mental breakdown and kill them like a savage man-dog. Entertaining characters with some funny quirks, but really needed more creative deaths and camera work to play up the horror. Dead dog dress-up, puppy massacres, burping growls, rabid man vision, tomato squishing fetishes, flirting with books, awkward introductions, and one dog shot dead. 3/5!

zshineMONKEY SHINES (1988)

A man is struck down in his prime and confined to a motorized wheelchair as a quadriplegic relyin’ on the assistance of a genetically altered helper monkey he develops a psychic bond with. But as the furry go-fer gets smarter, she develops a murderous Planet of the Apes attitude no treat can save folks from. You’ll laugh, you’ll feel your heart strings tugged, and then you’ll be rollin’ in the floor as you watch one of the most entertainin’ dysfunctional couples ever captured on celluloid with an amazin’ performance by Jason Beghe! Critter hugs, rub-a-dub deaths, quadriplegic sex scenes, killer monkey vision, flammin’ assassinations, mothers slappin’ their paralyzed children around, monkeys pissin’ on the handicap, name callin’, and monkeys “in” your back! 5/5!

ymonoTHE MONOLITH MONSTERS (1957)

Fair warning, the title’s a fucking lie. There ain’t no monsters in this flick! A meteorite crashes in the desert, breaking up into a bunch of black rocks that grow into life sucking skyscrapers when in contact with water. Folks petrify, the public panics, the rocks shoot up into crumbling mountains destroying the landscape, and scientists rush to figure out how to stop it before the world perishes. Descent movie, but can’t get around how the title had me expecting people defending themselves against those mutated into heinous monsters by sinister monoliths sent to Earth from hostile aliens. 3/5!

ycampusMONSTER ON THE CAMPUS (1958)

A college professor is infected by gamma radiated bacteria from a goober fish fossil and reverts to a killer Neanderthal who wants everyone dead for no reason. Collect calls to Madagascar, monster dragonflies on wires, blood drinking fangled tooth canines (who are never harmed), Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dynamics with Wolfman transformations, and the coolest looking axe-welding ape man to come out of the ’50s. 4/5!

zzzMONSTROID: IT CAME FROM THE LAKE AKA MONSTER (1980)

An American cement plant is pollutin’ the waters of a Colombian village and may be responsible for a giant rubber serpent eatin’ folk ’round the lake. While reps from the plant hunt the beast (fishin’ from helicopters with plastic explosive stuffed lambs), the rest of the village is busy with loosely related plots that have zip impact on this monster flick like guerilla activists and witch hunts. Flings on the beach, secretaries gettin’ their asses fondled durin’ meetin’s, mad cursin’ execs, doggy death scares, egg-cellent twist endings, giant rubber monster claws, young’n detectives, dead fish, women burned at the stake, explosive suicides by accident, and John Carradine as a witch hatin’ pastor! 2/5

zmoonMOONTRAP: TARGET EARTH (2017)

This is a sequel to Bruce Campbell’s schlockluster with Star Trek’s Chekov, but has nothin’ to do with their storyline about preventin’ killer cyborgs from invadin’ Earth from the moon. One of the most unconvincin’ onscreen couples is hired by the boss from The Nanny to investigate an ancient spaceship that’s been unearthed, and most of them end up gettin’ flown to the moon where they find sleepin’ moon men and their rock’em sock’em robots dukin’ it out like Mexican action figures. The actin’ is stiffer than mornin’ wood, the sets are insanely limited, the editin’ is an insult to the profession, the cinematography is uninspirin’, and the special effects are a toss up from Photoshop moons to shitty green screens and CGI spaceships. After 20-30 minutes in, I watched the rest of the movie on fastforward. Blurred boobs, toasted one-man cheerleaders, Eyes Wide Shut nods, robot fights, strangulations, spaceship crashes, trippy moon dreams, wimpy laser eyes, head rippin’, Total Recall terraformin’ endin’s, and at least one character gets ass-imulated by a robot! 1/5!  

ymorMORTUARY (1983)

Bill Paxton was an ’80s slasher?! You read right, James Cameron’s favorite actor played a mortician’s demented son who falls head over grave for a girl from his school and starts takin’ out anyone that would stand between him and his soon to be embalmed bride. An average slasher film that’s not bad by any means, it’s Bill’s performance that really elevates this movie to being a memorable piece of horror cinema. Paxton jump scares, secret séances, tire scares, roller boogies, sleepwalking, fireplace sex scenes, stabbings, impalements, dead man’s weddings, axes to the back, and skipping through cemeteries! 4/5!

zmosqMOSQUITO (1995)

Mosquitos drink alien blood at a U.F.O crash site and mutate into an even bigger annoyance! Park rangers, a scientist, and crooks led by Gunnar Hansen must work together in a laughable ensemble of so-so acting against literal eye-popping gore effects that can only be defeated with fog machines, mobile homes, refrigerators, and a man-size chainsaw wielded by the original Leatherface himself! Aliens, puppets, stop-motion, gore, camp sex with full frontal, and a horror icon . . . what else you need?   3/5!

ymov3MOST LIKELY TO DIE (2015)

Former high school classmates reunite for a pre-party to their 10 year reunion, but a masked killer crashes the fun in this wonderful homage to ’80s slasher flicks. Better than most modern horrors trying to recapture the glory days of knife welding psychos in disguises, this film perfectly hits the beats from its fully developed cast and fitting soundtrack to the witty kills and number of boobs on screen. Razor-tipped graduation caps, strangulations, whodunit mysteries, effective jump scares, close-up throat slitting, head ripping, and hissy cookie fits. 4/5!

zmotelMOTEL HELL (1980)

For 30 years, Farmer Vincent has made a successful livin’ providin’ smoked meats out of his rural motel, but his family recipe’s at risk once folks start realizing the secret ingredient is motorists he’s been capturing on the back roads like Wile E. Coyote. A film that’s beautifully shot, lit, and scored with a wonderfully warped minded villain who lives by the philosophy “meat is meat,” this has one of the most inventive and disturbin’ ideas ever committed to celluloid for capturin’ and farmin’  people like livestock. Most curious part about this film is why the filmmakers didn’t try to scare us more with seein’ the horror through the eyes of the girl who shacks up at the motel throughout the duration of the film. Cardboard cow roadblocks, slit throats, slit vocal chords, people buried up to their necks, necks snapped, smoked torsos, amputated hands and feet, human jerky, car wrecks, swimmin’ hole struggles, boobs in the bath, nubiles wantin’ senior action, chainsaw duels, random pig heads for masks, scary pranks on youngn’s, damsels in distress, lynch mob, psychedelic spaceship trips, bear traps vs rock band vans, motorcycle crashes, Wolfman Jack as a preacher, dates at the drive-in, picnic stories about eatin’ smoked dogs, and swingers lookin’ for action! 4/5!

ymothMOTHMAN (2010)

Mothman is a supernatural vigilante hunting unpunished killers through the reflective backwoods of Point Pleasant at random times and for whatever reason has his sights set on a group of friends who accidentally drowned a sibling while horseplaying 10 years prior. One of the better Syfy flicks, the cast was convincing, the Mothman wasn’t half bad, the script was strong, but I felt it betrayed its own monster rules a time or 2 and didn’t paint the best picture of the real-life Mothman festival or its people. Native American origins, Silver Bridge chaos, Mothman festival chaos, eye gouging, bone knives, bikini dipping, basement dungeons, heavily super imposed CGI moths . . . better than the Mothman Prophecies! 3/5! 

THE MUMMY (2017)

In this gender swappin’ remake that hopes to revive the Universal monsters in a series of crossover flicks, Tom Cruise plays a thievin’ soldier who accidentally frees a power hungry she-mummy with a mad crush for him. Sandblastin’ her way through Europe and Dr. Jekyll’s secret monster squad, she-mummy must capture her runaway co-star and prep his body as a vessel for her partner in world domination, Set. I think this is a good attempt at a new flick for a classic monster, and it’s about fuckin’ time we leave all that Victorian era bullshit behind for a modern update! The cons do outweigh the pros, however. Tom’s character feels underdeveloped and lacks chemistry with his human love interest. The mummy scenes need to push the envelope more and give us somethin’ we’ve never seen before. The action toward the end was too dark and cheatin’ us of enjoyin’ the special effects, and Jekyll’s level of involvement makes this feel more like an open ended chapter in a series rather than a stand alone flick. Crusadin’ mummies, underwater mummies, possessions, mercury embalmin’, ghost buddies, American Werewolf in London nods, mummy sandstorms, origin flashbacks, camel spiders, explosions, treasure hunts, Egyptian rituals, resurrections, fatal Frenchin’, soul sucked mummies, heavy swarms of rats, Iraqi terrorists, drone air strikes, monster prop museum, plane crashes, and Tom Cruise vs Mr. Hyde! 3/5!

y12MURDER PARTY (2007)

A cardboard knight attends a Halloween party he randomly finds an invitation for and is ambushed by a group of competing artists wanting to murder him in the name of art. This is a very quirky offbeat kind of film, but it works in its own unique way from the chemistry among the incompetent murderers to their awkward interactions with the victim. Definitely worth a watch! Cardboard camouflage, fatal pumpkin breads, asshole cats, cranked up dress-up dogs, mass beatings, electric chainsaws, booze and fire, truth or truth serum games, crispy werewolves, cheerleaders in freezers, bullets to heads, epic fail escapes, bi-sexual fucking, love sick pop-sickle sticks, chainsaws to the face, and costumes from The Warriors and Blade Runner! 4/5!

murderweapon8991MURDER WEAPON (1989)

The best and breast parts are few and far between in this poorly edited story that leaves you scratching your noggin. I think Linnea Quigley and her side-saddlin’ co-star vixen are released from an asylum (which I can’t explain why or how they got there) and party it up with a bunch of guys they invite over to one of their mobster dad’s houses. Then, for no real reason, a laundry sack face slasher starts killing all the guys in over the top gore-tastic glory, saving this film from being a total loss. Barely a blip of tension, this painfully slow flick plays more like a sad soap not even bikini babes in boots could save. Head bashing, shotguns to the face, chest bursting, gagging on hearts, impressive head to toe fire stunts, choppy motions in the ocean, poolside banter, Linnea possibly playing a 10 year old, and the infamous actor who played Ricky in Silent Night Deadly Night 2 shows he might be a better actor than we gave him cred for! 2/5!

zmurdMURDERCYCLE (1999)

An alien symbiote searching for lost e.t. tech merges with a dirt biker and becomes a wheelie poppin’ force of slow-mo destruction. Only a secret mission force can stop him if they can keep from bein’ zapped and run over. This is a decent attempt at a fairly interesting sounding story with well thought out soldier drama at its core, but we’re watching this flick for the killer bike and it was grossly underachieved. Murdercycle-vision, spies, psychics, e.t. tech balls, Marvel comic nods galore, annoying u.f.o. nerds actually making the movie better, weak lasers, burnt soldiers, and psychic rape ethics! 3/5!

zmutMUTANT HUNT (1987)

Doped up psycho sexual mutant cyborgs are killing people in the streets, and it’s up to a merc and his friends to save the city for a paycheck. From the stock sound effects and gritty sets to the  repetitive score and fight choreographies, this is more or less a hands free video game that’s one sci-fi brawl after another. Stretch Armstrong limbs, tinfoil arms, crawling hands, furniture chaos, severed hands, dislocated jaws, head ripping, karate chops, cyborg gore, aerobic bar shows, puppet heads, pleasure droids, drugs of the future, impaled faces, super army plots, big bad boss mutant fights, machetes, bow and arrows, bimbos tossed out windows, hand to hand underwear combat, gooey head stomping, melting faces, glowing hands, neo punks, and side boobs! 3/5!

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