L – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

LAKE ALICE (2017)

A questionable family of assholes return to their Christmas getaway in a small snowy town and are attacked by masked home invaders with eyes for the newly engaged daughter. There’s a touch of amateur editin’ regardin’ the transitions, sound effects, and score, but this is an overall easy watch that takes its time with a lot of forgettable horror. Just try to ignore the parents’ troubled past with the sheriff that’s never explained or explored and don’t let the final shot of the movie piss you off too much, ’cause it ain’t worth the strain on your brain. Parkin’ lot kidnappin’s, pig roasts, flyin’ hatchets to the back, killer home movies, stabbin’s, psyche deaths, slashers vs bullets, accidental murder, ding dong ditches, moms helpin’ their young’ns, and shower scenes with no boobs! 3/5! 

ylampTHE LAMP (aka THE OUTING) (1987)

A teenage girl awakens an impressive lookin’ ’80s monster from a lamp her dad’s museum acquires and is manipulated into convincing her friends to spend the night in the museum to feed the genie’s wish inspired bloodlust. Not a bad effort, this is a pretty descent flick with nice camerawork and a convincing cast. It just needed to pump up the energy with its editing and soundtrack and maybe give us more of the genie who’s an unseen floating force until his big reveal at the end. Extreme bullying, resurrected snakes, rubba-dub deaths with snakes, opera singing security guards, axes to the face, impalements, resurrected mummies, topless chases, cursed jewelry, genie vision, ceiling fans with a decapitation setting, head torques, possessions, and genie chases. 3/5!

yunknownTHE LAND UNKNOWN (1957)

Navy men take to the skies charting the Antarctic landscape, but a freak storm causes them to crash in a volcanic crater of prehistoric life where rubber dinosaurs and a poor man’s egg smashing Tarzan reign supreme. This is more or less King Kong without the ape. Impressive sets, descent acting for the time, lots of male dominance as women are used as currency, primordial landscapes, model helicopters, monkeys on strings, killer rutabagas, Lochness Monster, and a man in a T-Rex suit with a mouth that puts Jaws to shame. 3/5!

LAST GIRL STANDING (2015)

A girl survives a jackalope slasher in the horror movie that never was and has difficulty makin’ new friends when her crumblin’ mind can’t tell if the killer is back or not. While the idea of followin’ a last girl’s life after survivin’ a horror movie seems novel, isn’t that what most sequels are like Halloween 2, Nightmare on Elm St. 3, and Friday the 13th Part 5? What’s worse is the story’s predictable outcome you’re just hopin’ won’t be the endin’ after all the cool twists and turns you think up while watchin’ this flick. Regardless, the actin’ is fair, and there’s plenty of gore. I just wish the filmmakers tried pushin’ themselves more storywise. Impalements, knife throwin’, hackin’ with a hatchet, grave diggin’, mistaken identities, head bashin’, awkward convulsions, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, bottles smashed over heads, and boy scout booby traps! 3/5! 

THE LAST HORROR FILM (1982)

It’s the horror version of Bowfinger as Joe “Maniac” Spinell plays a taxi drivin’ psycho who fancies himself an up and comin’ horror director desperately wantin’ to work with the genre’s hottest talent, Jana Bates. Stalkin’ Bates to the Cannes Film Festival, Joe makes her the unknowing star of his guerilla filmmakin’ disasteterpiece co-starrin’ her friends as the victims. A really well put together film, this killer flick features lots of topless beach bunnies, hardcore ’80s club scenes, and a pretty damn catchy soundtrack. Sadly, Joe is the only interestin’ character among so many eccentric personalities, the kills are so-so with forgettable special effects, and the story’s momentum is thrown out of whack by the 3rd act followed by unneeded twists and WTF endin’s. Cowboys in corvettes, lessons in why you shouldn’t touch strippers, fat stealthy ninjas, scenic castles, decapitations, faces blown off, fatal freefalls, stabbin’s, fame and fortune fantasies, rub-a-dub deaths, topless sunbathin’, cockteases, collect calls to “supportive” mamas, axe wieldin’, vampire cosplay, and dirty fun with a slide projector! 3/5! 

zlastTHE LAST RESORT (2009)

A bachelorette party goes to hell as a bridezilla and her girlfriends are mugged and left for dead in the Mexican desert, stumbling upon a cursed resort that unleashes their darkest desires with gory consequences. A decent idea for a haunted joint kind of film with a diverse group of babes bitchin’ every which way, but the filmmakers didn’t bring enough tension to what should have been scarier moments and spent too much time on the less frightening parts of the story. Shootings, cannibalism, head bashings, haunted horniness, dead lays, ears cut off, tongues cut out, Mexican rifle salutes, stabbings, possessions, grindhouse flashbacks, and gore-met meals! 3/5!

zlast-sharkLAST SHARK aka GREAT WHITE (1981)

Some Italian filmmakers threw Jaws 1-2 in a blender and made this laughable but mildly entertainin’ flick about a great white prop snackin’ on crash dummies. You’ve got Italian Quint and author Peter Benton huntin’ a killer shark off a wind surfin’ party coast the governor refuses to shut down, and things get personal when Benton’s daughter becomes leg tenders for the goofy fish that tries to fool us with National Geographic footage, motorized balloon doubles, and the one mouth gapping prop actors have to work with. The shark’s cheesiest moments are launchin’ dummies hundreds of feet in the air, chompin’ on yahoos fishin’ with steaks from choppers, and pulling a dock of bystanders out to sea with explosive consequences. It’s a complete rip-off but a fun one with its own memorable shark stunts to say the least! 3/5! 

yshowTHE LAST SHOWING (2014)

Robert Englund loses his cushy job as a projectionist to the digital age and works through his frustration as a popcorn pusher by trapping a young movie going couple in the theater for his own twisted home-made Z-flick. The first half of the movie is pretty lackluster, there’s very little mystery and tension, and Englund’s whole scheme seems a little too convenient for the unbelievably distrustful couple he ends up playing head games with. Plenty of lessons for how to die in a horror film, lots of bad decisions, Wes Craven nods, knock-out sodas, literal killer film, revenge on whipper snappers, and the most intense discussion about aspect ratios ever captured on celluloid! 3/5! 

zlastwitcTHE LAST WITCH HUNTER (2015)

So, Vin Diesel breaks away from the stereotype of tough guy action hero to tough guy horror hero in this Men in Black meets Harry Potter mash-up that I’m sure will unfortunately fall through the cracks. Well thought out story, slick cinematography, great visuals, Michael Caine reprises his Alfred role, Vin and Elijah Wood bring us the best team up since Van Damme and Rob Schneider in Knock-Off, we’re given a hero with plenty of character whose trick for hunting witches is breathing on glass, and the Witch Queen is one of the best new villains on the block. 4/5!

yleechTHE LEECH WOMAN (1960)

Dammit, when you see that title, you expect to see an actual leech-woman monster, but no such fucking luck here. An elderly woman claims to have the secret to eternal youth and tricks a doctor and his fugly wife into paying her way back to her African tribe in exchange for it. When the wife learns the secret involves killing men with a special ring, she kills her manipulative hubby and hightails it back to the states where she has to keep killing in order to stay youthful or wrinkle to death. It’s an alright film with a laughable relationship between the doctor and his wife, but I really thought this was going to be more like The Wasp Woman. Turns out the title’s just a metaphor with her killing and stealing from men like a leech, not because she is a leech. Well-done overall, but really wanted that monster! 3/5!

THE LEGEND OF WASCO (2015)

After a professional car wash clown goes viral dressin’ up as his town’s darkest legend, the murderous Wasco Clown, the media hype randomly resurrects the original grease faced killer and his henchmen from their graves for more fatal fun with the townsfolk. Low-budget filmmakin’ at its most charmin’, this killer clown flick unexpectedly won me over with its rich characters and valiant efforts for givin’ us some unique killer clown scenes. If it had spent more time developin’ the myth behind the clowns’ resurrection and pushed their boundaries more, this could have been a true classic. Creepy puppet shows, gals clobbered to death, sinister balloons, forced face paintin’, cock-block clowns, undead clowns from watery depths, magic daggers, prison showdowns, knives in the head, and clown meltdowns! 3/5!  

y13LET US PREY (2014)

Death strolls into a Scottish police station and lets the secret sins of the dirty cops and crooks inside spark an inferno of violence and judgment. Shot with a keen eye for beauty, this take on the stranger in a cell tale is well written with plenty of interesting characters portrayed by compelling actors, but is a bit of a slow burn with no big surprises or payoffs at the end. Head bashing, murder cover-ups, hit and runs, DUIs, magic matches, soul searches, heads in fridges, barbwire Jesus with a shotgun, pedophile flashbacks, cop car fucking, death by tables, epic fail escapes, shotguns to the face, and death falls in love with little girls! 3/5!

LIFE (2017)

Astronauts rocket into space to study newly discovered Martian DNA on a returnin’ probe but screw the mission up so bad they accidentally resurrect a CGI Pokémon tryin’ to destroy everythin’. I’m very middle of the road regardin’ this sci-fi terror flick. It’s a well made movie with good actin’, top shelf effects, and a natural escalation of danger, but I just didn’t feel that connected with characters or impressed with the humdrum cat and mouse story. Drownin’ in space, space wrecks, fire guns, lab rats squeezed to nothin’, lab love, flyin’ cripples, wet bacon-lookin’ e.t.s, Martian squids, sleep pods, internal organ surfin’ e.t.s, twist endin’s, and hands crushed! 3/5!

zlightsLIGHTS OUT (2016)

Sort of the more horrific version of Little Monsters, a rebellious daughter must protect her family from her mom’s besty beyond the grave, a telepathic ghost girl allergic to light! This horror truly lives up to the hype as a perfectly edited, superbly acted fright flick that introduces a terrifying new horror icon as well as induct Teresa Palmer into the new generation of tough last girls! Only gripe is too few bodies, and the step dad’s death felt like an afterthought. Lovers’ feud for drawers, death in shadows, sacrifices, black light tactics, basement traps, sensible actions for a horror movie, and bogus scare mannequins! 4/5!

LITTLE EVIL (2017)

Gary somehow marries a babe without gettin’ to know her son all that well and unfortunately finds out he’s become the step-dad to the Anti-Christ. Things only get crazier when the doomsday cult responsible for the little devil’s existence snatches him up to kick-start the end of times, and forces Gary to settle the age old nature vs nurture dispute. Compellin’ actin’ with a lot of fun characters, this is a solid Omen parody with its only flaw bein’ a stumblin’ introduction to the family in the first reel. Folks buried alive, goat hand puppets, Poltergeist TV talk, fatal freefall impalements, pyro clowns, cool monster truckin’ lesbos, step dad posses, attempted water park assassinations, doomsday rituals, whirlwind weddin’s, demons, pits of hell, and Clancy Brown plays an evil preacher! 4/5! 

LOLIDA 2000 (1998)

Jacqueline Lovell heats up the screen as a horny desk jockey refusin’ to destroy anymore sexual content the future deems disposable. Jumpin’ in a spaceship, she flees across space with her stolen smut and shares it with us anxious viewers on junked Goodwill computers. Basically the porno version of The Outer Limits with Jacqueline as the hostess, you’re titillated by 3 sci-fi romps about alien abductees fuckin’ in a U.F.O., lesbos grindin’ in interplanetary cages, and a hysterical time travel bit with a guy randomly fallin’ into a softcore slipstream that shows him people bumpin’ uglies through the centuries. Come for the skin, stay for the cheesy props and stories that’ll leave you laughin’. Shiny space shorts, nude art classes, e.t.s who like to watch, scared and horny prisoners, hypno sessions, touch o’ bondage, alien girls on girls, waitresses banged so hard it sends ripples through time, apocalyptic mattress wrestling’, cave people orgies, public bangin’, and Lovell gets intimate with a girl and herself! 3/5!

LOST AFTER DARK (2015)

In this above average homage to ’80s slasher flicks, bus jackin’ high schoolers joyride ’til the gas runs out and shack up in an old farm house where a Charles Manson lookin’ cannibal wants to pick them out of his teeth. The ’80s nostalgia is spot on from the wardrobe to the grindhouse film scratches, and the actin’s entertainin’ with each character bein’ a distinct personality you care about, but I think the film’s biggest flaw is its slasher. He’s played up like a unstoppable Michael Myers boogey man, but there just ain’t anything memorable about that sticks with you afterward ‘cept 1-2 decently gory kills. Decapitations, augers and pitchforks through the back, flesh chewin’, girls cut in two, barbed wire crucifications, heads in bear traps, car crushin’ deaths, dogs’ necks snapped, impalements, decayin’ décor, missin’ reel gags, and Robert Patrick plays the most bad-ass vice-principle ever committed to celluloid! 4/5! 

zskelTHE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA (2002)

Stranded aliens and an evil skeleton fight for the power of a rare element, atmosphereum, being studied by a scientist in a secluded cabin. I love the idea of mixing together different characters inspired  by 50s B-movies from space monsters to cursed fossils, and think the plot is clever enough for pulling it off, but I had a hard time watching this black and white homage to the atomic age of monster flicks. Mainly because part of the humor was intentional bad acting that got old real quick. Bad acting is genuinely funny when it’s actors really trying their best and failing and even better when they don’t even know it. Forcing bad acting robs the movie of charm and should have been countered with less comedic lines. Escaped muppet mutants, bossy skeletons on wires, women made of several critters, mutation guns, paper tube spaceships, mutants vs skeletons, dancing gals, science stuff, clueless rangers, and the funniest dinner party I’ve seen in awhile! 2/5!

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