J – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

z01JACK FROST (1996)

Serial killer Jack Frost is transformed into living snow after being showered in genetic chemicals and seeks revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. A fun comic book villain kinda Christmas flick, there’s plenty of imaginative moments supported by decent acting, and one big “what the fuck” scene when Shannon Elizabeth is raped by Jack in the shower with his carrot nose! Wrecks, mutations, FBI, hit and runs, snowman road rages, rub-a-dub death rapes, executions by evaporation, blowdryer defenses, antifreeze flavored oatmeal, projectile icicles, decapitations, total meltdowns, deep throatin’ axes, face smashing, human ornaments, strangulations, giant snowballs, face munchin’, and snowman vomit! 4/5!

zjawsJAWS OF SATAN aka KING COBRA(1981)

One of the lamest killer snake movies ever captured on celluloid, this movie’s about the devil returnin’ to Earth as a looong snake orderin’ regular snakes to bite people for whatever reason while he confronts an older priest whose bloodline is cursed for these kind of things. Odd characters, a half-ass story and uncreative camera work, this film doesn’t come across so much as a horror but more like an unintended comedy. Biggest disappointment is the devil not bein’ crazy monster size like the snakes in the Anaconda movies! Venomous snake bites, Jaws mayors, dog race tracks, snakes on trains, snake heads blown off, grateful slaps to the face, creepy crushes, cemetery chases, da-da da-da da-da da-da snake cave, toasty snakes, snakes in the shower, snakes in the bed, boobs in the shower, psychics, and Christina Applegate in her first role! 2/5! 

zzJUST BEFORE DAWN (1981)

If your gang ignores every forest ranger and drunken hick warnin’ ya not to drive your big ass RV up the damn mountain because it’s too dangerous, then y’all deserve to be game for inbred killers lookin’ for new wardrobes that compliment their unibrows! An effective film with its droning score, beautiful forest scenery, and energetic characters, there’s one incredibly creepy shot, and you won’t believe how Tweedletard and Tweedletarder are whipped in the end. Blondes in hot pants, gingers skinny dippin’, machete killin’, impalements, choppin’ down trees with machetes to reach the last girl, Creature From the Black Lagoon pranks, boom box hatin’ hicks, sirens singin’, campin’, abandoned church massacres, rope bridge disasters, truck explosions, gunshots, and last girls up to their elbows in slashers! 3/5!

 

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