I – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE (1990)

A satanic ritual goes wrong and a demon is trapped in a Norton motorcycle that runs on blood. This British horror comedy was decent at best with believable characters, low budget effects, and gritty cinematography, but it really doesn’t rev up till the 3rd act. By then, the bike’s fully transformed with projectile spikes and flesh chomping lights, chasing victims up walls and underwater. The film’s also notable for giving horror another ass-kicking priest who’s played by Star War’s C-3PO, Anthony Daniels. 3/5!

I DREAM OF DRACULA (2003)

First off, the title is a bold face lie! The chick starrin’ in this homemade flick is really dreamin’ of Satan and a couple of his goth chicks she’s gotta impress so she can join their cosplay club of slutty vamps. While this VHS disasterpiece does offer an interstin’ enough story about a reincarnated vampire strugglin’ against treacherous fangers and a cheatin’ husband tryin’ to send her to the loony bin, I can’t overlook how shitty it’s executed. Limited camerawork, awkward actin’ (minus the lead chick), a mind numbin’ score, lack of effort behind the sets with nearly everything shot in one house, long drawn out scenes with blow by blow recaps and repetitive arguments, and the scariest thing that makes you shield your eyes are the naked vamps! Wig gags, fang bang lap dance, bruised asses, boyfriends sleepin’ with their girl’s whole family, reincarnations, bites to the neck, pizza delivery porn set-ups, pizzaboy deaths, fights with Satan, and vomitin’ psychics! 1/5!

zeatI EAT YOUR SKIN (1971)

A playboy writer is whisked away from wooing bikini clad beauties by the pool to Voodoo Island where a doctor’s cancer research is creating a loyal army of scab face zombies. This is one of them flicks you gotta just go into with your claws in the air like you don’t give a shit and simply enjoy. The girl crazed hero’s droppin’ pick-up lines like he wrote the book, the zombies look surprised as hell, and the action’s right out of an adventure pulp. Plane crashes, radiated snake venom, onscreen decapitations, meltin’ faces, pool stunts, voodoo dances, and nobody eats anyone’s skin. 3/5!

I HATE XMAS (2017)

In this stockin’ stuffer short, a shrink helps a fella with a bad case of Christmas humbugs and uncovers the dark truth behind his hate for the holiday. The cinematography ain’t bad, the actors manage to keep your interest, and there’s merry décor supportin’ the season unlike the music which is damn distractin’. Three dead bodies, two indie actors, and one head scratchin’ twist! 3/5!

zmadmI, MADMAN (1989)

In this horror version of Reading Rainbow, a bookstore clerk reads a cursed dime-store pulp and is stalked in real life by the crazed lovesick surgeon written in its pages. Very slick and kinetic cinematography with awesome lighting and composition of shadows, this under the radar film is wonderfully grounded in modern times while harking back to a classic Hollywood feel. Stop-motion jackal boys, human potato-heads, the worst jump scare with a drink in hand I’ve ever seen, effective slashers, girls who only look sexy with glasses on . . . Only thing to bitch about are some blocks of pissing time here and there, and the lead girl needed to be less of a bimbo. 4/5!

yicedICED (1988)

Old friends catch up during a timeshare pitch for a new ski resort, unaware a psycho skier is out to ice them all. Not a bad story with good characters full of cheesy drama, I would like to see more special make-up effects and consistent gore, but the filmmakers keep you pleasantly distracted with boobs in the meantime! Drunk skiing, fatal hot tubs, impalements, icicles to the face, ski poles through the throat, slasher vision, bear traps for every foot, pantless last girls, snowman ambushes, awkward make-out sessions, sex premonitions, men’s asses, and hit and kills with construction vehicles! 4/5!

zwolfILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975)

Wanting to prove women have a higher threshold for pain than men, a sadistic milf named Ilsa runs experiments at a Nazi concentration camp where men and women are tortured in the most inhumane ways, often for her sick sexual pleasure. One of the most popular exploitation films of all time for boobs, gore, and Nazis, this ain’t the most disturbin’ thing you can watch but comes pretty damn close as you’re reminded crazy shit like this was happenin’ during the war. Definitely a mind fuck with babes mixed with torture. Softcore action, boobs galore, threesomes with blondes, urinating fetishes, bullets to the face, syphilis victims, gapping leg wounds with maggots, castrations, gun fights, gangrene limbs, stabbings, hard boiled girls, eyes gouged, topless flogging, clamped nipples, amputated feet, bloody dildos, electrified dildos, rapes, girls hung over blocks of melting ice for dinner entertainment, bodies hung to dry, girls under pressure, prison breaks, bad guys get their just desserts in the end, and American heroes able to control their wad! 4/5! 

THE IMMORTALIZER (1990)

A double date takes a turn for the worse as young lovers are kidnapped by Dr. Devine’s black market clinic where rich geezers pay top dollar to have their brains scooped out and stuck in younger bodies. An overall decent flick with a nice mix of bad guys, I think the film’s biggest hiccup is its lack of interestin’ characters for us to care about which hurt any tension the filmmakers tried buildin’. Deformed brutes, electric cages, cattle prod defenses, fatal freefalls into corpse grinders, brain surgeries, double crossin’ colleagues, Re-Animator lookin’ serums, epic undercover fails, literal back stabbin’ with handguns, dungeon pits, and kidnappin’s! 3/5! 

z2headTHE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT (1971)

A more serious version of The Thing With Two Heads, an unconventional doctor can’t pass up the opportunity to force a powerful retard to share shoulders with an escaped psychopath who makes them kill anyone and everyone they run into for the sheer hell of it. A good movie, I just wish the filmmakers had pushed the drama a little further and put a little more focus on the victims’ struggle as a surgical freakshow. Boobs in the bath, 2 headed critters and snakes, biker violence, deadly cock blocks, shots in the back, devious assistants, cave-ins, dead monkeys, playing with axes, and Casey Kasem as mad science’s best friend! 4/5!

yshrinkTHE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (1957)

Scott Carey is the unluckiest man in the world as contact with a random radiation mist mixed with exposure to common pesticides cause him to slowly shrink small enough to live in a matchbox. More tragic than adventurous, this is a pretty damn depressing story as Scott comes to terms with his freakish problem while giving us the greatest battle for cheese ever filmed in a savage basement of doom. Freak shows, dollhouses, giant cats, giant spiders, laugh out loud wife bashing, cheese, a hot Thumbelina, and life-saving thread and needle kits. 4/5!

INFESTATION (2009)

A slacker wakes up in the middle of a giant bug invasion and finds a girl worth fightin’ flesh hungry insects and mutant bug folk for. This is an amazin’ film I can’t recommend enough thanks to its perfect balance of humor, action, tension, gross out gags, and tenderness. You care about every character, the danger is real but with perfectly punctuated points of levity, and the story’s realistically written while still offerin’ fantastic circumstances. The CGI bugs aren’t the greatest effect, but easily overlooked when compared to the rest of the flick. Giant flyin’ insects grabbin’ and stingin’ folks, giant beetle critters, cocoon wrapped flesh snacks, queen bugs, bug eggs, folks mutated into hybrid drones, bug dog hybrids, boobs, bug guts, fatal freefalls, explosions, crazy hot bitches, deafenin’ defenses, gunplay, mutant bug boys, wake-up vomit, bicycle invasions, underground bunkers, and Ray Wise plays soldier! 5/5! 

INVASION OF THE SPACE PREACHERS (1990)

When two goofball city slickers head to the sticks for some R and R, they drive up on a crashed alien who needs their help defeatin’ an e.t. preacher plottin’ to rule the world through mind control sermons. As far as hillbilly-ploitation films go, you can do a lot worse. If your standards are as low as mine, and you don’t mind a silly sci-fi made on the cheap, then this unexpected Troma oddity of fun cine-trash might just be for you. Only thing I’ve got to bitch about is how there’s more hillbilly humor than creature feature in this flick. Hot space blondes disguised as fugly e.t.s, lasers, nude sunbathin’, hole in the wall concerts, literal houses of shit, skinny dippin’, hippie communes, geezers adoptin’ full grown midgets as little boys, head explosions, mind control, and mind warpin’ radio sermons! 3/5!

THE INVITATION (2015)

If I learned anything, it’s you gotta be rude and offend people sometimes to survive! An ex-husband is invited to a get-together hosted by his ex-wife and her mysterious new friends, who may or may not be part of a fucked-up cult. While the rest of the party laughs at the hosts’ unclear intentions, the ex-hubby starts feeling all Final Destination and looks for every opportunity to shout, “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid!” An important message everyone should listen to when faced with questionable circumstances and masterful execution of building tension that keeps you guessing to the end how everything’s going to turn out. 4/5!

DVDCLAWSISLAND CLAWS (1980)

Giant mutated crabs are scuttling over everyone’s dead body on a small Florida island, and only a bar owner and a handful of scientists can stop it. A killer sea-life flick that surprisingly avoids a lot of Jaws references, we’re given a good script that’s successfully supported by solid acting. We’re stuck with regular crabs the majority of the movie, but the larger than life crab at the very end is truly a wonder of yesteryear’s special effects monsters. Crab crossings, red herring Hattians, mobile home chaos, pupper death scenes, old-timey saloon fishermen, pier terror, barely any blood and gore, and a crab puppet the size of an 18 wheeler! 3/5!

IT (1990)

30 years after defeatin’ a young’n killin’ clown that preyed on their fears like Freddy Krueger, a gang of childhood friends reunite for the final showdown when they hear their hometown’s supernatural terror has returned from the sewers. Amazingly, this iconic TV mini-series holds up after all these years, and that’s thanks to such a timeless story about friendship and childhood fears with a compellin’ cast easily makin’ you feel the terror of bein’ harassed by a sinister clown that’s really an alien . . . or a big ass spider . . . maybe a spotlight? Hell, it’s fear incarnate or some bullshit like that, but regardless, a great flick. Sewer clowns, asthma defenses, great drain escapes, clowns in the shower, kiss and make-up tricks, whore worthy moments, imaginary annoyances, light snacks, manipulated minions, crazy escape plans, stabbin’s, dead young’ns, talkin’ skeletons, bloody balloons, library gags, misfortune cookies, slingshot silver, mutilated bodies, wife nappin’, near death therapy, rub-a-dub suicides, talkin’ heads in a fridge, haggish daddy issues, live action scrap books, bloody sinks, and wolfman disguises! 4/5!

IT (2017)

Bigger, badder, and set in the ’80s now, this remake of the popular TV movie based on Stephen King’s back breakin’ size book retells the first half of the story ’bout small town youngn’s comin’ together to fight a mysterious shape-shiftin’ clown who feasts on their fears and flesh. With remakes havin’ such a shitty track record, I didn’t expect much from this rehash, but it just blows me away with engagin’ characters, smart cinematography, and perfectly executed scares that makes this the first flick in years to actually rattle my nerves! No major changes to the essential story that makes this a timeless classic, but waaay more blood and gore that includes Georgie’s gruesome death in its entirety. Deadbolt guns, dirty dads, extreme bullies, belly carvin’, slaughterhouse deaths, unnervin’ distortions, severed arms, rocky defenses, cursin’ young’ns, stretchy limbs, bitchin’ Camaros, blood galore, face suckin’, headless Easter egg hunters, evil dopplegangers, lepers, livin’ paintin’s, teeth galore, gray water, sewer zombies, stabbin’s, vomitin’, and floatin’ youngn’s! 5/5!

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