H – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

HACK-O-LANTERN aka HALLOWEEN NIGHT aka DEATH MASK (1988)

It’s Halloween night and a Satan worshippin’ pappy is ready to help his oldest son/grandson level up in his murderous barn cult so long as his law enforcement brother, horny sister, and upset mama/sister don’t bug him. Not a bad flick with competent actors, fleetin’ moments of horror gold, and a decent story, but I’ve got problems with the story’s timeline between key events, who exactly is throwin’ the big Halloween party everyone’s goin’ to, and I don’t feel like the story is structured with the right kind of tension for the twist endin’ we get. Musical pentagram, bride of Satan brandin’, garden tools through the face, skinny dippin’, brotherly cock blocks, shovels through the head, graveyard grindin’ while lockin’ hands with corpses, possessions, deadly lessons in interruptin’ cults, intense rock’n roll fantasies with wild laser eye women, stabbin’s, tight boob poppin’ corsets, street comedians, gunshots in the back, Halloween strippers, masked killers, graveyard kills, pumpkin deliveries, and hick pappys rappin’ their daughters on their weddin’ day! 3/5! 

HAPPY DEATH DAY (2017)

It’s the horror version of Groundhoung Day as a bitchy sorority birthday girl finds herself livin’ in a deja vu loop that won’t end ’til she figures out who keeps killin’ her at the end of the repeatin’ day or ’til her chances run out with each resurrection leavin’ her weaker than before. The concept sounds comical, but the filmmakers took this seriously as a horror flick and deliver a fun take on the slasher formula full of great twists and turns and an outstandin’ performance by Jessica Rothe that leaves me wantin’ more! Stabbin’s, deaths by bong, pleasure domes, plot point cupcakes, gunfire, hangin’s, car explosions, bats to the head, drownin’s, fatal freefalls, psycho escapes, and naked strolls through campus! 5/5! 

THE HAUNTED CASINO (2007)

A gang of friends visit an abandoned Vegas casino one of them inherits from their dead uncle but get more than they gamble for when vengeful ghost mobsters Sid Haig and Michael Berryman gun for their very souls. This is a great Full Moon flick that reminds me of a Real Ghostbusters kind of adventure with a nice mix of characters trapped in a haunt that constantly fucks with them as shit escalates from funny to fatal. Blood floodin’ toilets, ecto-blowjobs, secret lesbo crushes, monstrous ghost transformations, dicks and limbs hacked off, treasure hunts, and hot girl photo shoots! 4/5! 

ymov1THE HAUNTING OF PRESTON CASTLE (2014)

Pissing Time: The Movie is what this snooze fest should really be called! 3 teens decide to have some fun spending the night in an abandoned young’ns prison and tell ghost stories about one particular inmate who was beaten to death for the hell of it and still roams the cell blocks to this day. Doors slam, strange noises echo, fully clothed teens dry hump between the blankets, social media becomes a nuisance, CGI ghost boys pop their heads up in the backgrounds from time to time . . . and that’s it. Just looooots of aimless wandering with spooky atmospheric music putting you to sleep faster than a death sentence by lethal injection. This had a decent idea with good enough cinematography and actors but failed at telling an interesting story. 2/5!

zmon2HEEBIE JEEEBIES (2013)

A collapsed gold mine is re-opened after 150 years and 5 pissed off Chinese souls emerge all wadded up into one gold eating, fear farting monster wanting revenge on anyone who’ll stand still long enough. Written by Troma/Full Moon alum Trent Haaga, this is the full package of a completely developed monster film with everything you could ask for (minus boobs ’cause it’s a TV movie). Would liked to have seen done with a bigger budget for a more practical monster, but the CG booger ain’t bad, and it gives new meaning to golden showers when facing down the unforgettably entertaining Michael Badalucco as Billy Butler. 4/5!

yhellhighHELL HIGH (1989)

A group of high school outsiders take a prank on their emotionally unstable teacher too far and cause her to snap with murderous intent. Kind of the darker version of Teaching Mrs. Tingle, this is a good enough script that keeps you guessing what’s going to happen next with an interesting roster of characters , but could stand to push the horror element a lot further. Attempted rapes, boob shaking, mobile interceptions, skirt yanking, slimed windows, motorcycle explosions, attempted human dissections, stunt boobs, impalements, play shacks turned love shacks, dolly issues, throat slitting, head bashing, and Mustang chases! 3/5!

HELL HOUSE LLC: DIRECTOR’S CUT DVD (2015)

In this faux Halloween documentary, a journalist is dyin’ to know what happened the infamous night all hell broke loose in the basement of a local haunted hotel attraction, claimin’ the lives of fear seekers and fear makers alike. She gets her big break when one of the haunt’s employees break their silence, bringin’ the truth behind the whole tragedy via found footage. The characters have personality, the scares are subtle but effective, there’s barely any of that pixelated bullshit when things get  lively, and the documentary portions are just as creepy as the found footage segments. Only problem I have with this whole thing is how there’s no true reveal or explanation for what happened that fateful night. The missin’ link we desperately need to make sense of the endin’ is how the haunted house gang ties into the previous satanic owner’s backstory. Livin’ dummy clowns, self playin’ pianos, peepin’ shadows, satanic basements, real eye-poppin’ effects, haunted hotel chaos, hauntin’ interviews, evil cloaks, and possible portals to hell?! Find copies of this movie at hellhousellc.com. 3/5!

HELLMASTER (1992)

Professor John Saxon is a twisted holy roller with a god complex who injects weak willed folk with an experimental drug that turns them into an obedient gang of murderous mutants. Unfortunately, his headquarters is beneath a college for gifted youngsters with psychic students ready to cock block his plans with the help of a vengeful reporter. This flick sounds like a wild X-Men horror, but it’s really a draggin’ snoozefest that had me fastforwardin’ through the last half hour. The story ain’t character driven, the gore’s nothin’ memorable, the edits are wonky, the mutants are unnervin’ at best, and we don’t give two shits about anybody save the reporter who at least brings some emotion and character development to this lackluster flick. Double visions, sneaky holy roller buses of death, axe weldin’ mutants, young’n mutants, mutated cripples, 3 needle injections, mutant vs mutants, crossbow injections, secret underground labs, and abandoned churches! 2/5!

yhelHELL NIGHT (1981)

Linda Blair joins some frat boys for hazing rituals that include staying all night in an abandoned manor where a super freak unknowingly roams its secret passages to fuck up intruders. This film starts off well enough but loses steam as soon as we reach the manor, becoming a lot of Tom & Jerry pissing time with very little character development or twists. Lame costumes, head torques, floor doors, impalements, surfer pillow talk, hang’n corpses, backseat hitchhikers, spiked gate climbing, onscreen decapitations, death grips, unusual ways to sit on a chair, and airborne frats. 2/5!

y04HELLIONS (2015)

A teenage girl finds out she’s pregnant on Halloween and is terrorized by a small army of demonic costumed youngn’s wanting to carve the quickly growing baby out of her. This is a good movie, but in an experimental film kind of way with nearly the whole thing feeling like a surreal dream the girl’s running through. Bits of escalated danger here and there, characters coming and going like illusions, and loose understandings of the Hellions’ overall goal for snatching the baby. Rub-a-dub deaths, salt blasting shotguns, Robert Patrick’s funniest death committed to celluloid, deformed tentacle babies, fetus snacking, snapping into honey covered pickles, Vulcan OBGYNs, projectile eggs, decapitations, and blood moons. 3/5! 

xhideHIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988)

High schoolers celebrate their graduation secretly partying with mannequins in one of their parent’s three story furniture stores, unaware there’s a clothes snatching cross dresser killing them off during a game of hide and seek. This starts off well enough with the soundtrack and teens, but spirals all over the place once they arrive at the furniture store, constantly jumping back and forth from sex romping to playing games to finally realizing there’s a killer out to gut them. Still better than I ever expected, but needs a lot of work on escalating the danger and keeping the story on a steadier course of action. Drowning in sinks, mannequin arm hurling, uncaged heat, new haircuts, the most secured furniture store ever, hot naked blondes captive on elevators, elevator beheadings, fatal art deco, nipple slicing, and prison lover’s quarrel. 3/5!

zhideousHIDEOUS! (1997)

Rich cat collectors of genetic oddities go head to head in a locked down castle for the freak of their dreams who has the power to animate the rest of their nightmarish collection of pickled pretties. If you need something different from teenage slashers and commando monster brawls, this is it! The story’s unique, the characters are anything but boring, there’s humor with genuinely creepy moments, and the castle set is great. Sewage fishin’, topless robberies in guerilla masks, trap doors, acid baths, little monsters, blonde bimbos with catch phrases, monsters sucking nipples, booby traps, private detectives, plucking needles out of women’s asses, fatal freefalls, and sword fights! 4/5!

astr5HOLIDAYS (2016)

Christian and Pagan religions are mish-mashed together in this anthology of scary shorts, spotlighting holidays like Valentines, St. Patricks, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve with different directors behind each. Coaches let students torture each other, a giant snake joins a conga line, the Easter Bunny makes you afraid of Jesus, an overweight hag dances naked, we’re reminded of obsolete tape decks, Kevin Smith directs his daughter playing a whore, Seth Green stops playing with his dolls long enough to act, and we’re given another con for online dating. Our favorite picks in this indy film festival experience are Easter, Father’s Day, and New Year’s Eve. 3/5!

YGROVEHOLLOWS GROVE (2014)

Bogus reality show ghost hunters visit a haunted orphanage and – you guessed it- finally find evidence of ghosts as they’re tripped and flung around by young’n apparitions who like to sling cats into the walls. Better than most found-footage horrors, this film defiantly offers characters with a lot of personality and drops them into an amazing setting, but the story was a little too simple and the filmmakers didn’t deliver on certain things they’d set up like the express chute for dead bodies to the basement the survivors never escape down. Falling glass, women battering rams, creepy dolls, possessions, ecto-traps, Lance Henriksen’s ass, throat slitting, gangs of ghost young’ns, and 1 scary ass ghost. 4/5!

yhollywoodHOLLYWOOD’S NEW BLOOD (1988)

One of the dumbest movies anyone’s ever wasted time on, this excuse of a mess is about a Hollywood film production accidentally blowing up some hicks during a stunt, leaving them to haunt their rural land as sorry ass zombies whenever Hollywood types come around like a class of wannabe actors who show up years later. With only 1-2 so bad it’s good moments (like a guy feeling the need to point out he recognizes an obvious human skull from an animal’s), this poorly pieced together work of shit will leave you with fewer brain cells for sure. Bad acting, poor script, repetitive edits, nature B-roll galore, shit fight/struggle choreography, abridged replay of the whole movie at the end, and I bet it would have been more entertaining to watch the composer put together the score for this heap of film school rejection! 1/5!

y03HOME SWEET HOME (1981)

A caveman grunting muscle head on PCP goes on a killing spree after escaping the mental hospital, and one unlucky family crosses his path while trying to eat Thanksgiving turkey and get laid. A crazy enough concept to get you hooked, but this often praised holiday horror really falls flat with an unimaginative slasher, so-so interesting characters, it doesn’t feel enough like Thanksgiving, and the most memorable part of the whole movie is a magical rock’n roll mime with a speaker strapped to his back. Strangulation, stabbings, Hispanic sing-a-longs, speeding cleavage, peas as the star dish, grannies have the right of way to die, magical balls, turkey snatching young’ns, deaths under the hood, and 1 cool electrocution! 2/5!

ymonHONEYMOON (2014)

A newly wed couple head straight to a cabin in the woods for some secluded banging, but alien rape interrupts the special occasion and puts their marriage to the ultimate test. I was hesitant at first to watch this, but it’s better than I expected with convincing chemistry between the actors along with the film perfectly creating a level of tension that’ll have you yelling at the screen for what you think should happen next. Games of hide and drown, French toast is ruined, lots of bloody shorts, frustrating levels of communication, vagina tentacles, sickly transformations, open ended extraterrestrial questions, and not one shot of a damn alien! 3/5! 

HONEYSPIDER (2014)

It’s 1989, and a college chick spends her birthday/Halloween workin’ the concession stand at the movie theater, never suspectin’ Satanic pervs are waitin’ to stuff her mouth full of honey dipped spiders for some bullshit ritual. This cheap flick captures a great Halloween atmosphere surroundin’ a really cool theater but is ultimately a waste of time thanks to its half-ass story and the filmmakers’ inability to tell it. No suspense or tension, the sound is awful, no real resolution, most the movie is pissed away with aimless wanderin’ or watchin’ a fake horror film play in the theater, and no scene successfully shows off the duplicate Michael Myers house part of this was shot at in North Carolina. Skip! 2/5! 

THE HORRIBLE DOCTOR BONES (2000)

An up and comin’ band is duped into a record deal that’s really a cover for a power hungry voodoo doctor to control the livin’ through their jams. While the cinematography and effects aren’t the greatest, this Full Moon flick is still a great idea with likeable characters but could have pushed the voodoo hoodoo dangers a lot further and had the hero figure out what was goin’ on a lot sooner. Explodin’ heads, decayin’ help, voodoo zombie servants, mini-jam sessions, heart rippin’, fistfuls of cardiac arrest, literal plot lines, dream walkin’, bulgin’ flesh, glowin’ canes, and heart throb museums! 3/5! 

HORRORVISION (2001)

A leather pants wearin’ writer is caught up in a techno uprisin’ after killer machines nab his Goth girlfriend through the computer and compress her into a CD. Only with the help of a mysterious Obi-Wan wannabe can he hopefully save her and outrun technology in the desert. This cyber punk horror is admirable as an ambitious Full Moon flick with heavy influences from The Matrix, but its characters and story suffer from a weak script, and lack of a set design makes the “edgy” characters look like a bunch of cosplay assholes runnin’ around downtown L.A. The killer robots are goofy, but they’re the one cool thing that convinces you to watch this thing. Spastic cords and wires, dirty pictures, wifi travelin’ bug ball bots, suspended cyborgs, CD pressed ladies, robot assassins, Star Wars nods, Matrix nods, Brinke Stevens cameos long enough to die, and pissin’ time car rides are an excuse to promote entire songs and stretch this flick’s runnin’ times! 2/5! 

HOUSE OF FEARS (2007)

A gang of friends are excited to get a sneak peek of their town’s newest haunted house attraction but get more than they bargain for when a cursed relic among the owner’s collection of oddities literally brings them face to face with their darkest fears. While this is a really good haunted house flick with entertainin’ characters and a nice line-up of monsters after them, it watches like a long-winded episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a sad lack of tension that keeps it from feelin’ as epic as it should be. You’ll find this on lists for horrors movies that happen durin’ the Halloween season, but I don’t think anyone in the movie even mentions the holiday. Sand traps, claustrophobic coffins, killer clowns, nosferatus, slashin’ mannequins, possessed dogs, electrocutions, chases through halls of mirrors, throat slittin’, killer scarecrows, power tool defenses, step-sister drama, and Jared Padalecki makes a split second cameo! 3/5! 

HOUSE OF HORRORS: GATES OF HELL (2012)

A haunted house attraction in New York randomly becomes ground zero for the gates of hell to open, and only a half-hearted psychic can stop it with the help of haunted house helpers and a priest turned strip club owner. This is a valiant effort of a little horror flick goin’ for a big idea on a small budget with a decent plot and respectable effects, but the story’s structure and escalation was just a trainwreck due to the filmmakers failin’ to anchor the story to one character’s perspective. Haunted house props and gags galore, cougars gropin’ shorties, human torches, flamin’ fire pits, naughty nun strippers, demonic P.O.V.s, possessions, death by cattle prods, masked clown slashers, sliced to death over the toilet, flamin’ crucifications, airborne handi-men, found footage horror, green screen demons, bullet eatin’ suicides, pissin’ time through the woods, book seminars, confusin’ cabin crones, and dumbfounded timelines for a haunted house schedule! 2/5!

x05THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983)

Some sorority girls take a prank too far on their hag of a house mother and accidentally shoot her face down in their pond-scum pool outback. Covering their murder while throwing a graduation party, the girls learn the old bat had a mentally ill son hidden in the attic who goes all Friday the 13th on them, avenging his mama. A high end piece of ’80s slasher cinema, this film excels at pretty girls, funny moments, gory deaths, plot twists, and a rockin’ soundtrack complemented by a classy score. Sea pigs, decapitated heads in the toilet, trippy tranqs, clown disguises, throat slitting, cane bashing, splish splash cock blocking, college parties, and desperate doctors! 4/5!

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT (2014)

A gang of fear seekers are documentin’ the scariest haunted attractions in America for the Halloween season, and they hear the Blue Skeleton is the most extreme underground experience they can possibly ask for. After makin’ the haunted house rounds for 3/4 the movie, the Blue Skeleton finally abducts them the last few minutes and (SPOILER ALERT!) buries them alive, the end. I expected this flick to be more like Rob Zombie’s 31 with characters fightin’ their way out of a haunted house the majority of the time and am pretty pissed how it’s waaay more focused on just bein’ a lot of found footage tours through Halloween attractions with bare minimum tension. Great characters and a couple of unforgettable clowns and doll girls, but the story is criminally unbalanced with a payoff that leaves me feelin’ cheated of an extreme experience the filmmakers promised! 2/5!

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2 (2017)

So, the cops rescue the gang of fear seekers from their freshly dug graves from the last flick, and leaked footage of their near death experience turns them into internet sensations. Cashin’ in on their popularity, they continue visitin’ and promotin’ safer haunted attractions the followin’ Halloween, but the Blue Skeleton shanghais them again for another extreme encounter. What I thought was gonna be the film I was hopin’ for last time turns out to be the same ol’ shit all over again. 3/4 the movie is spent tourin’ haunted hayrides, zombie runs, and redneck hellholes. The Blue Skeleton stuff is saved for the end of the movie, and that little bit of tension is completely shot to shit with the reveal (SPOILER ALERT!) it’s always been a set-up since the first flick to genuinely scare one of the fear seekers for Blue Skeleton’s promos. Again, the characters are great and the creepy doll girl is back, but I hate the story and its twists so much! This series should have just been fun documentaries of real Halloween haunts which would be enjoyable without all the slasher bullshit added in! 2/5!

HUSH (2016)

A deaf gal trying to write her next novel in a secluded cabin thinks her biggest problem is writer’s block ’til a slasher murders a runaway victim on her front steps. Because the killer has nothing better to do I guess, he hangs around to torment the shaken author, easily becoming one of horror’s biggest dicks on screen for bullying the handicap. Don’t get too excited for this being a new “masked” slasher film, because the eerie killer takes his mask off pretty quickly and you’re subjected to a redneck goober trying to be scary the rest of the time. All around well-made flick with a realistic last girl who should get some kinda of nomination, believable flow of events, and a engaging story with just a little bit of Tom & Jerry drag in the middle. 3/5!

HUSK (2011)

Killer scarecrows stalk and slaughter a carload of wrecked partygoers in a haunted cornfield and turn them into more killer scarecrows. I still can’t put my finger on where exactly this film goes wrong. It’s beautifully shot, has interestin’ enough characters, and a creepy premise supported by an eerie location, but I think it could set up the characters a little better, push the horror more, and be less vague about how 2 brothers’ family drama resulted in a small army of killer scarecrows. Car wrecks, kamikaze crows, scarecrow scratch posts, possessed sewin’, nails hammered through fingers, supernatural flashbacks, pitchforks in the back, pig carvin’, ghost farmers, and Kurt Cobain’s skeleton! 3/5!  

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