F – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

THE FALLING aka ALIEN PREDATORS (1985)

Two buds with a hard on for the same chick take their Archie comics love triangle on an RV tour of the Spanish countryside and drive into a town where folks are controlled by insect-like parasites from a crashed NASA experiment run wild. Their only hope for survival and impressin’ the blonde of their lustful desires is to work with a scientist claimin’ he can cook up a space critter antidote before they’re infected with head blowin’ results. The buddy comedy is definitely here with some highly entertainin’ characters more horror flicks could stand to have, but the alien action leaves a lot to be desired. You get two scenes of tiny special effect puppet action, but the rest of the alien scenes consist of agitated lookin’ zombie folk with nose bleeds and angry motorists in some of the sneakiest vehicles ever committed to celluloid. Flyin’ babydoll chickens, dune buggy chases, RV of doom, secret underground labs, suicidal shots to the head, alien puppets blowin’ out of people’s heads, explosions, killer trucks, kidnappin’s, RV science labs, drop dead cattle, NASA crash sites, crazy haired waitresses, self destruct buttons, and aliens defeated by windshield wipers. 3/5! 

ygamesFATAL GAMES (1984)

Give it a 110% and you’re 100% dead as a javelin-chucking lunatic takes out an academy’s star athletes competing for a chance to go to the Olympics. Better than expected, this gives you plenty of boobs, a twist ending with a sex change, and laughable kills with javelins thrown like they’re fired out of cannons. Naked chases, swimmin’, lockers stuffed with corpses, tough love, tug-o-wars with the world’s biggest napkin, underwater ambushes, runnin’, gymnastics, lesbo tension, ass massages, showers, showers, and more showers. 3/5!

zfatherFATHER’S DAY (2011)

After witnessing his father being rapped and killed by a demonic force as a young child, Ahab dedicates his life to vanquishing the despicable evil, even if it means to hell and back! A funny spoof of grindhouse films with an assault of graphic imagery sure to offend 7/10 viewers, this flick’s anything but boring and successfully maintains a raunchy humor sure to keep sickos laughin’! Love for maple syrups, toxic berries, incest, strip joints, boobs, bloody kisses, bloated demons, chainsaw strippers, monster stompin’s, heroic suicides, homoeroticisms, men on men rape, possessions, dads on fire, shotguns to the nuts, freefalls off bridges, dicks eaten, decapitated heads fucked, hit and runs, shotguns to the face, back alley blowjobs, chainsawed heads, angels, spirits, ghosts of the past, ancient texts, blind priests, cults, people crushed and split in half, visits to Heaven and Hell, and Lloyd Kaufman as God! 4/5!

FATTY DRIVES THE BUS (1999)

Satan finds out a scheduled bus wreck in Chicago is canceled, because Jesus has been spotted in the area. Disguisin’ himself as a cheap ass tour guide, Satan personally sees to it every soul on the bus is claimed in the name of Hell and steers the passengers to their original destination with a fatty behind the wheel. This “comedic” Troma flick has a wild concept, but fails to deliver anythin’ you’d hope to expect. Crossin’ your fingers for Speed meets Highway to Hell, you really end up with 30 minutes worth or story and gags painstakingly dragged out to a full length feature with the same jokes and recycled footage over and over again. First time’s funny, but over 30 minutes later, it gets fuckin’ annoyin’. Do yourself  a favor and just watch the scenes in Hell and the passengers’ introduction in the first 30 minutes, then skip to the last 5 minutes to see Jesus and the fatty bus driver have nothin’ to do with everyone’s fate, and get an earful of PSAs about coexistin’ and love. 2/5!  

zfearTHE FEAR (1995)

This horror about a killer retail shop charm dummy had all the ingredients for a classic with decent story, characters, and a Wes Craven cameo, but was tripped up by several jump cuts, forced dialogue, and ambitious subplots not even a surprise trip to Santa’s Village could make up for.  3/5!

 

zfear2THE FEAR: HALLOWEEN NIGHT aka THE FEAR: RESURRECTION(1999)

Morty the killer splinter is back, and he’s got a new Native American look and backstory! Teens dress up as their worst fears in some of the dumbest costumes committed to celluloid for a Halloween party at Betsy Palmer’s house, and resist laughing at the possessed log’s attempt at Freddy Krueger banter. 3/5!

 

FEMALIEN (1996)

A clueless alien with curves in all the right places is sent to Earth to observe and interact with human intimacy and somehow uses softcore massages to save a small diner from shuttin’ down. Ain’t nothin’ too complicated about this skin flick. The alien chick’s either screwin’ her subjects or beamin’ hyper sex fantasies into peoples’ heads. No story to get in the way of the plot, plenty of boobs which include Jacqueline Lovell’s, but not enough sci-fi gags for my taste. Sex drippin’ photoshoots, Suntan oilin’ delights, diner hook-ups, private lingerie shows, alien roofies, CGI spaceships, and happy endin’s with threesomes! 3/5!

FENDER BENDER (2016)

A teenage girl gets her first fender bender, never suspecting the other driver is a serial killin’ sociopath who stalks his victims with the information they exchange at the scene of the “accident.” Right out the gate, this flick floors you as an instant hit with its top notch actin’, muscle tightenin’ tension, and moody synth score that grabs your attention without letting go. The writing avoids the routine pitfalls of a horror flick, introduces a fresh take on the cookie cutter slasher, and successfully provides a convincin’ last girl worth rootin’ for. A masterpiece of horror cinema we cannot allow to fall between the cracks! Virgin fender bender, drugged desserts, scary baths, stabbin’s, slashin’s, surprise pizza parties, near fatal freefalls, human speed bumps, killer cars, suspicious texts, full body fire stunts, connect the dot murders, and drunken house calls! 5/5! 

zbigTHE FIANCE (2016)

Some business guy and his fiancé try escapin’ to the American wilderness for some tender love makin’, but a loincloth wearin’ sasquatch turns the bride to be into a rabid werefoot, gung-ho on biting all her lover’s digits off! This flick’s beautifully shot and packs new ideas like Big Foot bites turnin’ people into Slim Jim mascots themselves, but there’s barely any escalation of danger, and I feel this whole thing’s a flop thanks to the leading man. He has zero chemistry with his fiance, lacks any personality to help keep scenes from draggin’, shows no emotion for his gal turnin’ monster and literally tearin’ him apart, and just makes a lot of unrealistic decisions that irritate me. Mauled hikers, Big Foot calls, monster shows, thumbs bitten off, fingers bitten off, male genitals mutilated, eye gouging, toes cut off, goofball disc jockeys, stoned cops, Russian mobs, sappy flashbacks, and werefoot girls dancin’ the ballet! 2/5!

FINAL DRAFT (2007)

You see a killer clown advertisin’ this horror labeled flick, but it’s really just James Van Der Beek deliverin’ a limp drama as a writer who locks himself in his apartment for 18 days to knock out his next screenplay about a killer clown. With the only action bein’ the imaginary clown murderin’ folks in Beek’s head, this sad flick has no tension, zip suspense, and the majority of its plot details fail to gel into a cohesive story with natural and reinforced escalation. I think the filmmakers were goin’ for a dark emo kinda metaphor flick about a troubled writer immersed in total isolation and forced to confront demons of his past through his writin’, but it just fails at acheivin’ that on every level from script to cinematography. Bullshit! 2/5!

zmon3FINAL GIRL (2015)

Watching this film is the equivalent of watching black box theatre. In a bare minimalistic world of retro suave and spotlights in everyone’s face, Little Miss Sunshine trades her childhood for ice cream so an unknown agency can train her to take out psycho killers. Her first assignment: a group of homicidal rich boys who’ve eluded police despite picking up and killing about 20 girls the exact same way. Feeling more like a short film than a feature, there just wasn’t enough substance to the story much less any tension for the final girl’s safety. Abigail Breslin was completely unconvincing as a bad-ass assassin. 3/5!

yterrorTHE FINAL TERROR (1983)

The trailer promotes this flick like a Predator before its time, but this survival horror’s really about park rangers defending themselves from an old pissed off crazy woman living deep in the California wilderness. Had a lot of good ingredients, but the threat wasn’t working, the plot wasn’t engaging enough, and the supposedly surprise ending was pretty transparent from the beginning. Howling pranks, search and bang missions, pickled hands, white knuckle rafting, wild booby traps, shroom combat, and Joe Pantoliano’s plays the crazy busdriver. 3/5

ymoFLESH EATING MOTHERS (1988)

A cheating husband jumps in bed with every milf in the neighborhood and unknowingly gives them an STD that turns them into Joker-looking ghouls feasting on their children. A film so ludicrous, it’s pure cheese awesomeness with its impressive low-budget effects, horrible line deliveries, and young adults playin’ dopey teens. Perma-grins, hyper extended jaws, pencil animated microbiology, baby eatin’, forehead chompin’, tug-o-war with cats, ice cream truck make-out sessions, arm rippin’, truths about the preparation of veal, heart rippin’, and cannibal cover-ups! 4/5!

FLIGHT 7500 (2014)

Terror at 25,000 Feet this ain’t. Hell, it ain’t even Red Eye or Turbulance. Flight 7500 is on its way to Tokyo when one of its passengers carrying a mysterious box dies in his seat coughin’ blood loogies, forcing first class to sit with coach. Bored to tears, passengers take it upon themselves to investigate the stranger’s demise and start disappearing without a trace until they figure out they’ve been Sixth Sensed. No monsters, no ghosts, no boogies of any kind . . . just a snippet of Tokyo lore, bare minimum tension, a thin plot that falls apart by the end, and the greatest cinematic sin was wasting Amy Smart’s talent as she takes a seat in the background collecting easy money. Bring a book with you when watching this snooze fest. 2/5!

FLIGHT FROM HELL (2014)

A tourist smuggles a little mummy cat onto his Asian flight, and the critter comes alive to claw and kill the passengers. Felt pretty indifferent about this flick. There’s plenty of drama among the passengers stuck fightin’ a decently computer generated cat, but I think this movie’s biggest flaw is not tellin’ the story from one character’s perspective the whole time. Seems like the most obvious choice would be the pilot who had some exposition the filmmakers set-up as soon as the film starts, but he quickly falls into bein’ a background character while we get to know a group of friends who are all cheatin’ on each other. Mummy cat scratch fevers, cheaters cheatin’ on cheaters, deceitful magic tricks, children leadin’ the clueless blind, mile high club members, CGI mummy cats, boobs with hot pink nipples, and fatal freefalls into airplane engines! 2/5!

yforestTHE FOREST (1982)

It’s a battle of the sexes as women set out to prove they’re just as good as men roughing it in the California wilderness, but neither side counted on contending with crazed cannibal fathers and their dysfunctional ghost families. Not a lot going on in this film other than an acceptable cast of loving couples you feel moved enough to root for. There’s little to no thrill, and the ghost mom and kids add nothing to the danger. Accidental cannibalism, broken ankles, impalements, stabbings, angry husbands vs refrigerators repairmen, and head bashings. 2/5!

FORTRESS OF AMERIKKKA (1989)

In this Troma flick, a mountain bunker of war game playin’ yahoos take things to the next level and start blastin’ away anyone who sees them partyin’ in the woods with their guns out. In the meantime, there’s a parallel Native American drama in town about an ex-con plottin’ revenge on the racist sheriff for killin’ his brother while he was in lock-up. What does one have to do with the other? Absolutely nothin’! At least not ’til the last few minutes when John Whitecloud runs into the murder happy militia and hurries to lead the town folk in a successful charge against their secret camp everyone seems to know about. This is one of those frustratin’ kind of flicks you know can be better with just a little more work on the script. And FYI, if you’re crazy enough to make a drinkin’ game for every time someone says Fortress of Amerikkka, you better have a new liver on stand-by! Decapitations, cat fights, shots to the head, young’n executions, militant love makin’, tent sex, explodin’ tents, doofus talkin’ sheriffs, lame beach brawls, traitors takin’ a beatin’ in the gauntlet, dancin’ cobra women, female fire eaters, lots of boobs, gunfights, crazy generals, unlucky saps drawn and quartered with trucks, and instant replay deaths on loops! 3/5!

FRANKENSTEIN REBORN! (1998)

A modern teenage girl is bored to tears after bein’ sent to live with her Uncle Frankenstein in a Euro-shithole town stuck in the dark ages, but all that changes after her eccentric relative creates damned life she can talk to! Part of Full Moon’s Filmonsters series that reimagines classic monsters for young’ns, this is a decent short flick with some very impressive sets, but I get so distracted at how out of place the girl feels in this environment, like she arrived in a time machine more so than a train. The Frankenstein monster’s a shiftin’ hit and miss for me from the make-up to the actor’s physique, but ain’t nothin’ for the filmmakers to be ashamed of. Rompin’ in the woods, castle rules, monstrous lessons in readin’, strangulations, flamin’ pits of death, total castle destruction, shotgun blasts to the chest, and horrible lookin’ CGI fires! 3/5!

x07FUNERAL HOME (1980)

It’s Psycho on the farm as a teeny bopper granddaughter helps her widowed grandmother turn her funeral home into a bed and breakfast with a deadly secret in the basement the guests are giving screaming reviews! Not a bad movie overall with a decent story and pretty ambitious camera work, the only flaw in this movie is you see the twist coming a mile away. Cross-dressing grannies, simple minded farm hands, watery graves, sinking autos, fatal flirting, stabbings, and cliff diving! 3/5!

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