E – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER (1993)

When a mysterious salesman offers to wake Steve Buscemi’s mama from her dirt nap for $1000, he jumps at the chance to reunite with the loins that birthed him. The joyous occasion doesn’t last long, however, as Steve learns takin’ care of the undead has more strings attached than adoptin’ a mogwai. The best way to describe this zombie-ish flick is quirky. It doesn’t push any boundaries to be anythin’ remarkable, but it’s unique for its off the wall story, ’50s aesthetics, and knack for leavin’ questionable details hangin’ like how exactly Steve’s mom died in pieces. Even more bafflin’ is its lack of special effects which leaves me wonderin’ if that’s by choice or circumstance? Mad dash mamas, lip bitin’, decapitations, talkin’ heads, boobs on the stairs, corporate greed, random hair color changes, cockroach snacks, dog chasin’, re-animated parents, undead burials, psycho preachers, and peepin’ tom uncles! 3/5!

THE ELF (2017)

It’s Christmas Eve, and just when a holiday hatin’ human sloth thinks things can’t get any worse after his fiancé’s unsupportive family drops in for a surprise visit, he accidentally sicks a killer Elf on the Shelf knock-off on them that collects souls for its demi-god’s supernatural hunt. Unfortunately, this flick is more jeer than cheer, and that’s due to a draggin’ pace that makes me feel like me or the filmmakers are stoned with every reaction, movement, and line delivery movin’ at the speed of molasses. The characters, locations, and backstory are introduced in the most confusin’ ways, the wardrobe’s a joke, and there is zero chemistry among the cast which impacts the lead couple from bein’ anywhere close to convincin’. Cursed chests, wrecked geezers playin’ “VROOM!,” stabbin’s, young’ns with mouths sewn shut, toy trapped souls, giftwrapped sacrifices, CGI/puppet prop killers, marriage interventions, random snow, seizure showers, Olive Oyl cosplay, giraffe deformities, and co-starrin’ the Rollin’ Stones lips! 2/5! 

zeloELOISE (2017)

When a rich geezer kicks the bucket, he leaves his fortune to his strugglin’ son with the catch he’s got to find a death certificate for his aunt who went missin’ in one of the world’s most infamous asylums decades earlier. With help from a token black friend, a simpleton, and Elisha Dushku playin’ the bartender with a heart of gold, the impatient son breaks into the closed asylum, never suspectin’ the place might be haunted by Dr. Robert Patrick and his army of nutty ghosts and orderlies. The film looks great, some real care was put into characters you genuinely care about, and this story doesn’t tread the hackneyed path of most haunted asylum movies. However, not a lot of tension in this flick, and it never felt epic enough for reasons I can’t exactly pinpoint. People locked in morgue drawers, supernatural flashbacks, sibling twists, hammered eyeballs, treatments with needles, asylum chaos, drownin’s, electro shock therapies, improper doctor/patient relations, babies in boxes, trippin’ ball-o-visions, and fire! 3/5!

THE EMBALMER (1965)

In this black and white Italian terror, a ladies man reporter tries catchin’ a grim reaper dressed killer who’s draggin’ pretty dames to their watery deaths so he can add their embalmed bodies to his hall of hot mummies. Reminiscent of the Fleischer Superman cartoons with its radio-esque actin’ and comic bookish characters, this oldie ain’t half bad and has a pretty interestin’ Batman-like villain. The best part for me is when a kidnapped girl is runnin’ around the Embalmer’s lair lookin’ for an escape, never knowin’ he’s walkin’ with her the whole time ’cause he cleverly blends in with the other skeletons in his secret mausoleum. Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, scuba rescues, and ridiculous hipster club scenes! 2/5!

z02ELVES (1989)

It’s Christmas Eve, and a horny rubber elf has to get through Grizzly Adams to rape a mall brat destined to birth a super race of Nazis! A totally 80s film from its outrageous dialogue to its pop culture references, this has a good mixture of laughs, what the fuck moments, and Dan Haggerty keeps it from ever gettin’ boring. Cats drowned in the toilet, rub-a-dub deaths, mall massacres, finger foods, mannequin camouflage, slap happy cripples, anti-Christmas rituals, dead cat gifts, nutsacks are stabbed, milf boobs, car bombs, dirty Nazi pictures, brotherly incest, elf stones, and Santa says, “Oral!” 3/5!

ELVES (2018)

In this Hispanic sequel to The Elf  that openly compares itself to It Follows and Truth or Dare, a gang of yahoos are duped into playin’ some confusin’ game involvin’ a misfit toy Elf who instructs them to hurt folks or suffer their own grisly fate. First and foremost, the posters and descriptions for this sucker are only half true. There is more than one evil elf, but they’re each runnin’ their own separate games with very little cohesion or overlap with the core group of gamers who’d rather split up to finish the movie than stick together. The only thing worse than the convoluted game rules is the elves’ biblical backstory I can’t begin to understand, and that the filmmakers must have chosen to spend their effects budget on Instagram face distortions over killer CGI elf animations like the first movie. Evil whisperin’ elf dolls, gouged eyes, possessed suicides, wrenches to the head, Christmas light strangulation, seances, unknown copies of naughty lists, car wrecks, roofied drinks, random therapy group massacres, slit throats, elf possessions with twisto morph faces, stabbin’s, homicidal home runs, lots poorly hidden lapel mics and battery packs, folks rollin’ ’round the floor while huggin’ elf dolls to their chests, folks beaten with Christmas trees, and unexplained helper elf hench wench assassins with unclear motives! 2/5! 

EPIDEMIC (2018)

When Rufus heads to his estranged daughter’s 30th birthday to make amends, little does he know her party’s come down with a fatal milk spewin’ disease that eats folks’ faces. Undeterred by a little outbreak, he loads his girl up for one last daddy daughter road trip and attempts to rekindle their relationship over hallucinations of naked baby powder savages. This low-budget flick can be somewhat compared to Schwarzenegger’s Maggie but is less compellin’ due to an anti-climatic script sufferin’ from misguided points of view, weak character developments, and lack of tension. Pretty disappointin’ given the cast, camerawork, and score are entertainin’ enough for casual B-movie fun. Possibly the longest yak scene committed to celluloid, decomposed faces, powdered dongs, softcore muff divin’ with no nudity, secret basement labs in the wall, milk hurl galore, blood vomittin’, strangulations, powdered boobs, drop dead deaths, father daughter slap fights, and drunk dads makin’ all the wrong decisions for reasons I can’t begin to understand! 2/5! 

ESCAPE ROOM (2017)

If you take all the grit and twists out of SAW, you get this flick ’bout a rich bunch of yahoos celebratin’ a friend’s birthday in a hush hush escape room that turns out to be some sicko’s unfair game of elaborate booby traps. This film looks amazin’ and boasts some creative kills, but there’s a major lack of tension ’til the last half of the movie, and the endin’ falls flatter than street pizza with accusations and/or reveals that go over my skull. Blind trust birthdays, folks guillotined in the vents, complex puzzle solvin’, crushed wrists, acid shower make-out scenes, caged nudies, stabbin’s, and poisonin’s! 3/5! 

ESCAPE ROOM (2019)

Like nearly every other escape room movie I’ve ever seen, a gang of strangers are mysteriously invited to escape six puzzle rooms for money, but learn soon enough the danger is real, and they gotta be smart or be dead before time runs out. The difference between this and all the other Saw inspired knock-offs, however, is this flick has an ass-load of money behind it and elevates the scope and tension of the rooms and their traps like I’ve never seen before, easily makin’ this the best escape room themed flick I’ve seen to date. That said, as wildly creative as the rooms are, the deaths aren’t anythin’ memorable, even with an all-star cast keepin’ you on the edge of your seat with their performances. Oven baked rooms, freezin’ wilderness simulations, explodin’ ice, upside down bars, musical floors, electric shock paddle deaths, gassed infirmaries, bullets to the head, crushin’ walls, ball trippin’ rooms, needle stickin’, fatal freefalls, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

zboEVIL BONG (2006)

Stoner roommates buy a cursed bong named Eebee, and she sucks their baked souls up to increase her powers for a greener world. Only their straight laced friend has any hope of breakin’ her spell and savin’ everyone from a stripper happy dimension called Bong World. More fun than expected, this has an entertainin’ cast, laugh out loud moments, funny dialogue, high stakes, and a memorable villain. Stoner comas, Goth boobs, shark boobs, smacker boobs, strippers, Demonic Toys, mean cripples, the funniest horny dance you’ll ever see, suicide bombers, chainsaws, Hot Wheel play sessions on boobs, and cameos by Jack Deth, Gingerdead Man, Ooga Booga, Bill Moseley, Phil Fondacaro, and Tommy Chong! 5/5! 

EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG (2009)

The ganje gang from the first Evil Bong are back and experiencin’ gnarly side effects from their encounter with Eebee. Needin’ to find a cure for their uncontrollable urges to eat, hump, and pass out, they trace Eebee’s origins to South America where they encounter the more powerful King Bong and his Poon-tang tribe of feral beauties. Overall, this is an impressive follow-up to the first film because it doesn’t simply re-hash what we’ve already seen. Like a sequel should be, we’ve got new problems, new monsters, new characters, new locations, and new dangers. Wish there could be some bodies stacked in this flick, but it ain’t ruinin’ any expectations set by the original Evil Bong. Skateboard humpin’, armpit humpin, fat suits, Indiana Jones map travelin’, mean grandpas, boners to the eye, bong feuds, beautiful boobs galore, bong rippin’, narc scares, delivery men rolled into doobies, and Eebee returns for another rip! 4/5!

EVIL BONG 3: THE WRATH OF BONG (2011)

An alien invasion reunites the weed warriors as an e.t. bong transports them to its home world where topless black light babes farm their nutter butter for breedin’ slaves. Keepin’ the high times rollin’, the filmmakers give a new spin to a familiar story that keeps things fun and interestin’ while further expandin’ the bongthology within the Full Moon universe. Off grid ninjas, painted boobs, all consumin’ weed, hippie grandpas, hemp grown nurses, dope transformations, jizzy backsplash, swordplay, black light alien babes in the nude, interstellar highs, naggin’ wife burials, nympho stalkers, jizz suckin’ machines, and Eebee returns to reluctantly help the gang defeat evil bongs from space! 4/5! 

EVIL BONG 420 (2015)

Rabbit, our favorite delivery stoner, has escaped Eebee’s Bongworld and steals the spotlight as the perverted owner of a new topless bowlin’ alley. Eebee ain’t too happy about this and even less happy Rabbit smuggled out her special wacky tobacky for the customers to blaze, bringin’ her and Gingerdead Man back to Earth to end his business. This sequel is remarkably short (53 minutes!), but it still feels like a feature full of laughable antics, hot talents, Full Moon cameos, and Sonny Carl Davis proves he’s got enough screen presence to carry a film. Only negative thing might be the lack of tension, and the blatant advertisement for Full Moon’s Badass Dolls that’s a little in your face and doesn’t make a lot of sense timeline-wise with their appearances in other Full Moon movies. Topless chicks bowlin’, interdimensional travel, rednecks, love triangles, weedblowers, Gingerdead Man sex scenes with cream endin’, cookies with guns, cliffhanger endin’s, eye gougin’, and cameos by Hambo, Ooga Booga, Badass doll inspirations, and director David DeCoteau! 4/5! 

EVIL BONG: HIGH-5 (2016)

With Eebee holdin’ Larnell’s feudin’ girlfriends captive, Larnell and Rabbit must help the queen bud sell a million dollars worth of her evil weed to fund her newest plans for world domination. With only a week to meet their goal, the stakes have never been higher as the dynamic dopers struggle to meet the impossible with hagglin’ customers, jerks from their pasts, and Gingerdead Man givin’ them nothin’ but trouble. This is the first time I feel the series is startin’ to slip with a story structure too similar to the last flick, and the green screen effects aren’t as good as they can be. Also felt the filmmakers were really assaultin’ us with ads for buyin’ those Badass dolls this time ’round. Nothin’ head zen, Ooga Booga sex scenes, weedblowers, little Eebee’s, hempwear, Bongworld boobs, interdimensional travel, topless Twister, karate action cookies, girl on girl action, Gingerdead Man sex scenes, and repeat cameos from Hambo, Badass doll inspirations, and director David DeCoteau! 3/5!

EVIL BONG 666 (2017)

Ebee escapes from Sexy Hell and finds a murderous va-va-voom Satan lover named Lucy Furr’s taken over her weed shop. Tempted by the chance to meet her dark idol, Lucy teams up with Ebee to commit despicable acts for openin’ a portal back to Sexy Hell, but Gingerdead Man and the rest of the Evil Bong regulars make it difficult with their interferin’ high jinx. 666 rediscoveries the fun and energy seen in Evil Bong 1-4, and successfully delivers an easy goin’flick full of monsters, babes, and wacky tobacky. The effects are minimal but effective, the story pleasantly takes the series in a new yet familiar direction, Sonny Carl Davis returns to light up the screen with his charismatic smile and shares undeniable chemistry with the talented Mindy Robinson, another supportin’ Evil Bong star takin’ the spotlight. Rubber puppets, green screen hells, the invention of the VapCup, killer highs, flamin’ vagina portals, flyin’ breasts, monstrous creations, gawkin’ extras, clown girls, trophy wives, flashin’ for weed, bongzookas, topless devil girls, Killjoy tie-ins, lava spewin’ asses, Frankenstein nods, bake-off duels, sidewalk fortune tellers, Full Moon Halloween masks, and Robin Sydney does the happy dance! 4/5!

EVIL BONG 777 (2018)

After escaping sexy hell in Evil Bong 666, Rabbit and his gang of Full Moon beauties run to Vegas with Ebee and Gingerweed  Man for some high-rollin’ antics while hidin’ from a vengeful Lucy Furr. The next stoned sequel in Full Moon Empire’s long runnin’ Evil Bong series, our loony band of boobs and puppets hit the strip and that’s about all they could afford I guess. Rather than exploitin’ the hackneyed sights of high stake casinos blowin’ up in lights, we’re entertained with charmin’ tours of Vegas’ hidden gems from porno puppet theaters to fancy hotels and monstrous museums that carry their own eccentric flare worth visitin’. The cast is still a hot mess of talent that’s nothin’ less than magnetic, the cinematography is crisp and poppin’, and the special effects are better than ever. My only complaint is wishin’ Full Moon Empire had more time and money to crank out a full blown feature with all the crazy action I crave instead of suddenly endin’ the flick the moment shit’s about to get real. Giant fuppet sex shows, showers of silly string jizz, titty tassels, puppets bangin’ hookers, clown couch sex, naked body paint demons, boobs and more boobs, haunted hotels, ghosts, shemales of the night, vap cups, Elvis impersonators, movie monster museums, joints, bong hittin’, interdimensional travelin’, mini-gingerdead killers, a wacky tobacky smokin’ bucket, and one-eye hicks! 3/5!

zclergyTHE EVIL CLERGYMAN aka PULSE POUNDERS (1988)

The cast from Re-Animator reunite to bring us another H.P. Lovecraft interpretation, this time in a short about Jeffrey Combs manipulating his fuck buddy, Barbara Crampton, from beyond the grave with the help of a demonic rat played by David Gale. Babs gives a sizzling performance rollin’ between the sheets bangin’ ghosts, but the only one gettin’ topless is Combs! Jealous wrinkles, transgender magic, David Warner’s holier than thou ghost, self lynching, and man face rats in the walls! 4/5!

yevilsEVILSPEAK (1981)

Clint Howard gets mercilessly picked on at a military academy for a little over an hour, then begs Satan for a revenge fueled special effects ending right out of Carrie, complete with Peter Pan wires and swordplay. A well made movie overall, I would just like to see Clint’s dealings with Satan escalate a little sooner and not spend so much time making us feel miserable for the guy who’s got enough motive for revenge against his tormentors in the first 15 minutes. Cool computer graphics, underground dungeons, Richard Moll as a Satanic priest, puppy slaughter, airborne Clint Howard, boys in the shower, decapitations, high flyin’ impalements, swine in shower deaths, sexy thieving secretaries, men engulfed in flames, re-animated Jesus on the cross, heart ripping, and human hog chow. 3/5!

THE EXTERMINATOR (1980)

When a street gang called the Ghetto Ghouls cripple John Eastland’s well-to-do war buddy, he wages Vietnam hell against the criminals of New York as a hard hittin’ vigilante the papers call The Exterminator. If you watch this for the flamethrower, let me break it to ya gently- he only uses it for a brief moment to scare some information out of a gang member. The rest of the time, the Exterminator’s blowin’ bad guys away with Dirty Harry sidearms like Travis Bickle without the mohawk but at least turns one fella into hamburger with a big-ass meatgrinder.  The movie’s biggest sour is how clumsy the editin’ is. Maybe I watched a weird grindhouse version that’s butchered all to jumpcut hell, but it’s like all the important moments between the action sequences were snipped out and replaced with clips from other movies that makes you question the relation among scenes. This makes for several laughable and confusin’ moments like when the Exterminator decides its open season on all crime versus the Ghetto Ghouls and why he’s always the one breakin’ the news of his buddy’s condition to his clueless wife who the hospital must not even know exists. Odd lookin’ POW decapitations, explosions, flamethrower interrogations, trashcan disguises, dead guard dogs, mercury tipped slugs, chicken place massacres, saunterin’ iron torture, human matchsticks in bed, slaughtered pedophiles, burnt boobs, mafia heists, mobster burgers, back breakin’ ambushes, war vet euthanasia, and one of the weirdest ways to cook a hotdog at an office desk with a lamp and two forks! 3/5!

THE EXTERMINATOR 2 (1984)

The Exterminator is still kickin’ crime’s ass in the Big Apple, but this time it’s even more personal when an underground gang of power hungry punks cripple his new flashdancin’ girlfriend. Pissed and armed with a flamethrower, he hunts the streets for the gangbangers in a tripped out garbage truck until every one of them are human matchsticks. By sheer luck, we finally get the flamethrowin’ vigilante the posters promise! This is ultimately better than the first Exterminator, but there’s still plenty of flaws like more clumsy editin’ ruinin’ the relations and developments between characters, and the music sounds like somethin’ lifted from a Saturday mornin’ cartoon. Sweet bad-ass scenes with the heavily armed garbage truck and flamethrower, though! Fatal convenient store robberies, human BBQs, memorable break dancin’ henchmen on skates, kidnappin’s, human guinea pigs for drugs, midday beatdowns in the park, shoot outs, explosions, flashdance clubs with free beer, garbage truck interrogations, trash compactor prisons, mobster drug deals, grindin’ between the sheets with boobs, and elevator exercises with flashbacks! 3/5!

EXTREMITY (2018)

A damaged chick subjects herself to an extreme haunt to confront her inner demons and flips the tables on her unprepared tormentors when she has a break through. This is a tough one to review, ’cause it looks great and the actin’s convincin’, but the story’s so transparent, it leaves very little tension with me already knowin’ what’s goin’ to happen. The only savin’ grace for surprises are the steady reveals of just how messed up the last girl’s past is. Attempted suicide baths, faked dog deaths, faked executions, evil clowns, water boardin’, peep show torture with boobs, water filled cages, planned abductions, shitter dipped instructions, documentary tourists, broken noses, slit wrists, traumatic flashbacks, and abusive fathers! 3/5!

EYE OF THE BEAST (2007)

Dawson’s up shit creek as James Van Der Beek researches a fishin’ town’s lack of sea kittens and finds its waters inhabited by a giant killer squid capturin’ the locals for its own sea food. Overall, this is a pretty well made sea monster flick with beautiful scenery, a dynamic cast, and a story that mirrors Jaws without bein’ shamelessly blatant ’bout it. Only gripes I got with this tentacle terror is its lack of escalation and Van Der Beek not bein’ more lively with his performance as a stoic researcher. Squids vs boats, tourists snatched off beaches, seamen snatched off ships, tentacle fightin’, eye stabbin’, death by electricity, Native American tensions, and 10 reasons fishin’ is better than sex! 3/5!  

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