E – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

THE ELF (2017)

It’s Christmas Eve, and just when a holiday hatin’ human sloth thinks things can’t get any worse after his fiancé’s unsupportive family drops in for a surprise visit, he accidentally sicks a killer Elf on the Shelf knock-off on them that collects souls for its demi-god’s supernatural hunt. Unfortunately, this flick is more jeer than cheer, and that’s due to a draggin’ pace that makes me feel like me or the filmmakers are stoned with every reaction, movement, and line delivery movin’ at the speed of molasses. The characters, locations, and backstory are introduced in the most confusin’ ways, the wardrobe’s a joke, and there is zero chemistry among the cast which impacts the lead couple from bein’ anywhere close to convincin’. Cursed chests, wrecked geezers playin’ “VROOM!,” stabbin’s, young’ns with mouths sewn shut, toy trapped souls, giftwrapped sacrifices, CGI/puppet prop killers, marriage interventions, random snow, seizure showers, Olive Oyl cosplay, giraffe deformities, and co-starrin’ the Rollin’ Stones lips! 2/5! 

zeloELOISE (2017)

When a rich geezer kicks the bucket, he leaves his fortune to his strugglin’ son with the catch he’s got to find a death certificate for his aunt who went missin’ in one of the world’s most infamous asylums decades earlier. With help from a token black friend, a simpleton, and Elisha Dushku playin’ the bartender with a heart of gold, the impatient son breaks into the closed asylum, never suspectin’ the place might be haunted by Dr. Robert Patrick and his army of nutty ghosts and orderlies. The film looks great, some real care was put into characters you genuinely care about, and this story doesn’t tread the hackneyed path of most haunted asylum movies. However, not a lot of tension in this flick, and it never felt epic enough for reasons I can’t exactly pinpoint. People locked in morgue drawers, supernatural flashbacks, sibling twists, hammered eyeballs, treatments with needles, asylum chaos, drownin’s, electro shock therapies, improper doctor/patient relations, babies in boxes, trippin’ ball-o-visions, and fire! 3/5!

THE EMBALMER (1965)

In this black and white Italian terror, a ladies man reporter tries catchin’ a grim reaper dressed killer who’s draggin’ pretty dames to their watery deaths so he can add their embalmed bodies to his hall of hot mummies. Reminiscent of the Fleischer Superman cartoons with its radio-esque actin’ and comic bookish characters, this oldie ain’t half bad and has a pretty interestin’ Batman-like villain. The best part for me is when a kidnapped girl is runnin’ around the Embalmer’s lair lookin’ for an escape, never knowin’ he’s walkin’ with her the whole time ’cause he cleverly blends in with the other skeletons in his secret mausoleum. Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, scuba rescues, and ridiculous hipster club scenes! 2/5!

z02ELVES (1989)

It’s Christmas Eve, and a horny rubber elf has to get through Grizzly Adams to rape a mall brat destined to birth a super race of Nazis! A totally 80s film from its outrageous dialogue to its pop culture references, this has a good mixture of laughs, what the fuck moments, and Dan Haggerty keeps it from ever gettin’ boring. Cats drowned in the toilet, rub-a-dub deaths, mall massacres, finger foods, mannequin camouflage, slap happy cripples, anti-Christmas rituals, dead cat gifts, nutsacks are stabbed, milf boobs, car bombs, dirty Nazi pictures, brotherly incest, elf stones, and Santa says, “Oral!” 3/5!

zboEVIL BONG (2006)

Stoner roommates buy a cursed bong named Eebee, and she sucks their baked souls up to increase her powers for a greener world. Only their straight laced friend has any hope of breakin’ her spell and savin’ everyone from a stripper happy dimension called Bong World. More fun than expected, this has an entertainin’ cast, laugh out loud moments, funny dialogue, high stakes, and a memorable villain. Stoner comas, Goth boobs, shark boobs, smacker boobs, strippers, Demonic Toys, mean cripples, the funniest horny dance you’ll ever see, suicide bombers, chainsaws, Hot Wheel play sessions on boobs, and cameos by Jack Deth, Gingerdead Man, Ooga Booga, Bill Moseley, Phil Fondacaro, and Tommy Chong! 5/5! 

EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG (2009)

The ganje gang from the first Evil Bong are back and experiencin’ gnarly side effects from their encounter with Eebee. Needin’ to find a cure for their uncontrollable urges to eat, hump, and pass out, they trace Eebee’s origins to South America where they encounter the more powerful King Bong and his Poon-tang tribe of feral beauties. Overall, this is an impressive follow-up to the first film because it doesn’t simply re-hash what we’ve already seen. Like a sequel should be, we’ve got new problems, new monsters, new characters, new locations, and new dangers. Wish there could be some bodies stacked in this flick, but it ain’t ruinin’ any expectations set by the original Evil Bong. Skateboard humpin’, armpit humpin, fat suits, Indiana Jones map travelin’, mean grandpas, boners to the eye, bong feuds, beautiful boobs galore, bong rippin’, narc scares, delivery men rolled into doobies, and Eebee returns for another rip! 4/5!

EVIL BONG 3: THE WRATH OF BONG (2011)

An alien invasion reunites the weed warriors as an e.t. bong transports them to its home world where topless black light babes farm their nutter butter for breedin’ slaves. Keepin’ the high times rollin’, the filmmakers give a new spin to a familiar story that keeps things fun and interestin’ while further expandin’ the bongthology within the Full Moon universe. Off grid ninjas, painted boobs, all consumin’ weed, hippie grandpas, hemp grown nurses, dope transformations, jizzy backsplash, swordplay, black light alien babes in the nude, interstellar highs, naggin’ wife burials, nympho stalkers, jizz suckin’ machines, and Eebee returns to reluctantly help the gang defeat evil bongs from space! 4/5! 

EVIL BONG 420 (2015)

Rabbit, our favorite delivery stoner, has escaped Eebee’s Bongworld and steals the spotlight as the perverted owner of a new topless bowlin’ alley. Eebee ain’t too happy about this and even less happy Rabbit smuggled out her special wacky tobacky for the customers to blaze, bringin’ her and Gingerdead Man back to Earth to end his business. This sequel is remarkably short (53 minutes!), but it still feels like a feature full of laughable antics, hot talents, Full Moon cameos, and Sonny Carl Davis proves he’s got enough screen presence to carry a film. Only negative thing might be the lack of tension, and the blatant advertisement for Full Moon’s Badass Dolls that’s a little in your face and doesn’t make a lot of sense timeline-wise with their appearances in other Full Moon movies. Topless chicks bowlin’, interdimensional travel, rednecks, love triangles, weedblowers, Gingerdead Man sex scenes with cream endin’, cookies with guns, cliffhanger endin’s, eye gougin’, and cameos by Hambo, Ooga Booga, Badass doll inspirations, and director David DeCoteau! 4/5! 

EVIL BONG: HIGH-5 (2016)

With Eebee holdin’ Larnell’s feudin’ girlfriends captive, Larnell and Rabbit must help the queen bud sell a million dollars worth of her evil weed to fund her newest plans for world domination. With only a week to meet their goal, the stakes have never been higher as the dynamic dopers struggle to meet the impossible with hagglin’ customers, jerks from their pasts, and Gingerdead Man givin’ them nothin’ but trouble. This is the first time I feel the series is startin’ to slip with a story structure too similar to the last flick, and the green screen effects aren’t as good as they can be. Also felt the filmmakers were really assaultin’ us with ads for buyin’ those Badass dolls this time ’round. Nothin’ head zen, Ooga Booga sex scenes, weedblowers, little Eebee’s, hempwear, Bongworld boobs, interdimensional travel, topless Twister, karate action cookies, girl on girl action, Gingerdead Man sex scenes, and repeat cameos from Hambo, Badass doll inspirations, and director David DeCoteau! 3/5!

EVIL BONG 666 (2017)

Ebee escapes from Sexy Hell and finds a murderous va-va-voom Satan lover named Lucy Furr’s taken over her weed shop. Tempted by the chance to meet her dark idol, Lucy teams up with Ebee to commit despicable acts for openin’ a portal back to Sexy Hell, but Gingerdead Man and the rest of the Evil Bong regulars make it difficult with their interferin’ high jinx. 666 rediscoveries the fun and energy seen in Evil Bong 1-4, and successfully delivers an easy goin’flick full of monsters, babes, and wacky tobacky. The effects are minimal but effective, the story pleasantly takes the series in a new yet familiar direction, Sonny Carl Davis returns to light up the screen with his charismatic smile and shares undeniable chemistry with the talented Mindy Robinson, another supportin’ Evil Bong star takin’ the spotlight. Rubber puppets, green screen hells, the invention of the VapCup, killer highs, flamin’ vagina portals, flyin’ breasts, monstrous creations, gawkin’ extras, clown girls, trophy wives, flashin’ for weed, bongzookas, topless devil girls, Killjoy tie-ins, lava spewin’ asses, Frankenstein nods, bake-off duels, sidewalk fortune tellers, Full Moon Halloween masks, and Robin Sydney does the happy dance! 4/5!

zclergyTHE EVIL CLERGYMAN aka PULSE POUNDERS (1988)

The cast from Re-Animator reunite to bring us another H.P. Lovecraft interpretation, this time in a short about Jeffrey Combs manipulating his fuck buddy, Barbara Crampton, from beyond the grave with the help of a demonic rat played by David Gale. Babs gives a sizzling performance rollin’ between the sheets bangin’ ghosts, but the only one gettin’ topless is Combs! Jealous wrinkles, transgender magic, David Warner’s holier than thou ghost, self lynching, and man face rats in the walls! 4/5!

yevilsEVILSPEAK (1981)

Clint Howard gets mercilessly picked on at a military academy for a little over an hour, then begs Satan for a revenge fueled special effects ending right out of Carrie, complete with Peter Pan wires and swordplay. A well made movie overall, I would just like to see Clint’s dealings with Satan escalate a little sooner and not spend so much time making us feel miserable for the guy who’s got enough motive for revenge against his tormentors in the first 15 minutes. Cool computer graphics, underground dungeons, Richard Moll as a Satanic priest, puppy slaughter, airborne Clint Howard, boys in the shower, decapitations, high flyin’ impalements, swine in shower deaths, sexy thieving secretaries, men engulfed in flames, re-animated Jesus on the cross, heart ripping, and human hog chow. 3/5!

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