D – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

zzzzzzzDAGON (2001)

Rough seas strand a young borin’ couple on a Spanish island of gill face fisherman who have a bad habit of rapin’, skinnin’, and sacrificin’ tourists in the name of their hungry squid god. Not a bad film by any means, givin’ us disturbin’ gore scenes, boobs, howlin’ hotties, and plenty of tentacle monsters, but I never feel truly grounded in the story. Mainly because I can’t connect with the hero who has ’bout zip personality and is too busy runnin’ from sea food the whole movie! Giant sea monsters, tentacles, fish family incest, monster rapes, severed arms and legs, bums with their faces peeled back, naked sacrifices, gutsy suicides, squid cults, lynch mobs, stabbings, the nastiest swirly ever captured on celluloid, shipwrecks, inky waters, head to toe barbecues, flesh suits, nasty motels, narc young’ns, and mermaid babes with tentacle legs! 4/5!

THE DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT (1994)

A she-devil and her dog escape Hell to fall in love in Romania and become its unholy vigilantes evisceratin’ street crime with sites on the corrupt mayor. This is actually a very well made movie with commendable actors, nice gore, slick cinematography and lightin’, excellent score, and a solid script that delivers an all around entertainin’ flick! I would just like a bit more tension for the third act and bigger badder demon make-ups. Throat slittin’, impalements, tongue rippin’, ginger boobs, demonic drama, interdimensional mirrors, bubbly angels, stabbin’s, she-devil cat fights, gun shots to the back, loose teeth and fingernails, clueless cannibalism, porno theater dates, candle lit demon sex, crooked cops, spine rippin’, human leftovers, and an unharmed hell hound chowin’ down a diet of the damned! 4/5! 

zdarkDARK FOREST (2015)

A possessive boyfriend snaps after his girl joins her friends for a weekend camping trip and goes on a murder spree in the woods while huntin’ them down. An incredibly low budget film with no creativity behind it much less a script that makes sense, this is hardly a film I’d recommend wastin’ time and chump change on. The lightin’ is harsh, I don’t give a shit about the characters, zero tension with kills that put you to sleep, the slasher’s motivation to kill anyone and everyone after bein’ teased by girls made zip sense, and there’re different groups of campers who never interact which is a majorly missed opportunity the filmmakers should be ashamed of. This ain’t a bomb, but far from anything worth watchin’. 2/5!

DARK HOUSE (2014)

A hands on psychic inherits his family’s supernatural home and finds out it’s ground zero to the final fight between demons and synchronized swingin’ axe men led by Tobin Bell. The characters are convincin’, the story is unique, and the cinematography is stellar in this flick that has more than 1 or 10 allusions to Jeepers Creepers. The only thing I hate is how the story builds up to the big reveal of the mystery monster in the walls just to completely skip it! Skin peelin’ demons, flyin’ axes, offroad wrecks, cautious pregos, death visions, hangin’ trees, baby thievin’ demons, axe men armies, flyin’ monkey imitations, possessions, chest rippin’, axes in the back, hit and runovers, floodproof homes, yard fights, ventilated voices, demonic bangin’s, flamin’ facials, and biblical prophecies! 4/5!

zscareDARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981)

After a gang of Southern hicks wrongfully lynch a mentally handicap man-boy, they find themselves bein’ stalked by an offscreen killer scarecrow. There ain’t boobs or that much blood in this TV movie, but it’s still a suspenseful film packed with compelling characters, a great story, and one of the eeriest shots of a sackhead ever captured on celluloid. Dog attacks, shotgun executions, murder cover-ups, exploding houses, disgruntled mailmen, grain burials, 2 for 1 graves, fatal freefalls, wood chipper deaths, corn field chases, impalements, and Halloween parties! 4/5!

THE DARK STRANGER (2015)

An emotionally interrupted artist might be slippin’ off the deep end when she thinks a dark entity from her new fantasy work is after her, but her worst fears prove true when she’s told it’s the jealous spirit of an artist who kills those with artwork better than his. A little more Lifetime family drama than I care for, this flick offers very little horror along with a miniscule body count. Rather than focusin’ on wilder ways for a creative girl to combat a surreal sequential villain, the filmmakers choose to jerk you around most the time with “is she/isn’t she crazy” tension, single parent struggles, and a girl’s fairy tale metaphor for expressin’ her trauma as a cutter copin’ with grief. In a nutshell, it has an emotional core which is important, but needed to weave a lot more imaginative horror through it. Art that grabs you by the throat, fantasy world of witches and goblins, body horror with pens fused to hands, bleedin’ artists, suspicious shrinks, stabbin’, jumps into fantasy dimensions, brothernapping, and worms for pills! 3/5! 

THE DARK TAPES (2017)

In this anthology of found footage terror that can be compared to the Twilight Zone, you’ve got 4 random shorts that spin some fairly impressive sci-fi/horror stories with twist endin’s Shamalamadingdong himself would be jealous of. The filmmakers sucker us into watchin’ all too familiar bits about haunted houses, faulty science experiments, seductive killers, and telekinetic freaks but successfully give them new spins that separate them from the beaten path. Impressive castin’, superb sound mixin’, top shelf ideas, and we gotta give a shout out to the gifted dude playin’ the homely chat room perv. Only thing I think is worth bitchin’ about is the lame monster voices, and the anti-climatic endin’ to the sex chat room short. Dreamy monsters, people cut in half, throats slit wide open, stabbin’s, rub-a-dub deaths, spooky balls, aliens, telekinetic 5-draw, attempted rape, acid ballons, landmine wake-up calls, reincarnations, flesh feasts, no boobs, and teasin’ lesbos! 3/5!

DARK TOWN (2004)

An abusive dad is attacked by a vampire before his birthday party and turns his whole family into bloodsuckers. With vindictive hoods invadin’ their home, a shunned lesbo daughter and a street smart fella must partner up to survive the night as vampirism spreads through their neighborhood like a disease. This has a couple of disturbin’ scenes in it like the dad yankin’ a stillborn out from between his daughter-in-law’s legs, but it’s just not all that interestin’ to sit through. I was able to fastforward through most of it and still follow everythin’ goin’ on. Lesbos between the sheets, urban vigilantes, bloody fetuses, dead cats, mentions of dead dogs, blood covered orgies over ghetto meals, chest carvin’, decapitations, impalements, vampires carryin’ their own heads around, she-vamps breast feedin’ blood to other gals, heart rippin’, shotguns to the chest, and the saddest line-up of boobs! 3/5! 

ydarknessTHE DARKNESS (2016)

When a boy finds Native American trinkets in a secret cave, Kevin Bacon’s dysfunctional family has their tolerance tested as a tribe of shadow furries run up their water bill, leave dirty handprints everywhere, and coerce his autistic son to commit some despicable acts. Everything’s better with Bacon, and the cast was on point, but the story, cinematography, and editing weren’t scary and failed to create tension. Bedrooms on fire, closet bulimics, ambush snakes, offscreen cat violence, Tupperware puke, attack dog wake-up calls, coyotes, crows, parental guidance practices, brothers vs sisters, Native American folklores, interdimensional travels, end of the world prophecies, supernatural cleaners, and no deaths or boobs! 3/5!

yreckDAY OF RECKONING (2016)

The world is ready for a second attack by shitty cartoon pterodactyls and skinless critters stampeding from below the Earth’s surface like extras called to the Lord of the Rings set, but still get caught with their pants down, leaving one family fighting for survival during this invasion with a curfew. This isn’t a bad story overall, and I like how the filmmakers kept the story moving with some surprise actors popping in (Barbara Crampton and Raymond Barry), but the cheap CGI was horribly distracting, some character motivations didn’t make a lot of sense (like a soldier taking people hostage after they give him shelter), and I’m not entirely sure telling the story of the 2nd monster/demon/whatever invasion really added anything to the story because everybody was about as clueless as they would have been during the first attack 15 yrs prior! Skate park boogie, high school romances, mutating monster bites, useless bunkers, Supernatural salt fightin’ tactics, Doom-inspired monsters, bitchy ex-wives, fist fights for driving shotgun, and dead possums. 2/5!

zdedDEAD END DRIVE-IN (1986)

In the near apocalyptic future of Australia, a young hot wheelin’ couple are tricked into attending a drive-in theater that doubles as a concentration camp for punk youths the government see fit to corral. Refusin’ to live a life of junk food, bad movies, and new wave music, our hero, Crabs, turns this story into Mad Max meets The Great Escape as he goes all Steve McQueen and plots his escape from this rather lax prison. If you enjoy the punk scene with its crazy attire and attitude, then you’ll get a charge out of this literal teenage wasteland from the ’80s. Only flaw I can really find is it doesn’t feel like there’s enough of a payoff at the end with Crabs defeating anybody you can’t wait to see beaten. Also didn’t feel like the drive-in wasn’t played up enough. Bangin’ in ’50s Chevys, burger joints, racial tensions, fightin’ for auto parts, red asphalt, joggin’, free drugs, drive-in car stunts, drive-in brawls, stripped cars, 15 minutes of tow-truck fame, grand theft autos, gas syphoning, new hairdos, shiny boobs, auto ambushes, electric fences, gunfights, and airborne vehicles! 3/5! 

THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING (2000)

A gang of aspirin’ filmmakers go all guerilla in an abandon hospital for their indie horror flick and accidentally open a portal to an undead dimension with experimental equipment left by a twisted scientist. I really dig this Full Moon flick from its fully developed script and engagin’ actors to its rockin’ soundtrack and splatter gore! While there’s obvious tributes to particular horror masters and their masterpieces throughout the film, you’ll also feel influences from Event Horizon, Hellraiser, Re-Animator, and The Beyond as well. Undead make-out sessions, unique lookin’ zombies, coffin contraptions, evil scientists, interdimensional travel, zombie armies, impalements, stabbin’s, found footage, undead transformations, dummy head humpin’, lessons for why you shouldn’t film with real corpses, fart bag stiffs, jerk-off cashiers, bloodfalls, gut wrenchin’ punches, chainsaw fightin’, machete fightin’, zombie cosplay, and fake fires! 4/5!

THE DEAD WANT WOMEN (2012)

Babe-alicious realtors clean up a high rollin’ Hollywood mansion for a potential buyer and find out they’ve been duped by the residential haunts, a posse of silent movie star ghosts wantin’ women for demented pleasure and possession. This Full Moon flick has a lot goin’ for it as far as convincin’ actors and crisp cinematography with top notch sets, but the ghosts’ make-up looks like it’s bought off the shelf at Party City, and the story’s a little thin for my taste. Most memorable parts are Eric Roberts playin’ an orgy cowboy and folks’ heads blowin’ up like they’re in a Tarantino film. Genre mashin’ orgies, cursed necklaces, two naked flapper girls, slit throats, suicidal stars, letters from the dead, possessions, ecto-booty call, dry humpin’, pussy cat pettin’, ecto-knife fights, ecto-fast draws, and ghost boobs! 3/5!

ylineDEADLINE (1984)

A popular horror writer with similarities to Stephen King is under the gun to write the next schlock disasterpiece for a movie studio while punks trash his writing, his spiteful wife gets hooked on booger sugar, and his attention starved kids start dyin’ off playing games of hangman. More drama than horror, this is really a depressing look at a work obsessed writer who ultimately fails to redeem himself as a family man and writer that’s periodically interrupted by moments of gore from his stories and imagination. Severed limbs, grinder deaths, literal bloodbaths, hangin’ executions, kiddie death, cannibalistic nuns, deadly births, Nazi rockers jammin’ street trash to death, hooker rage, and epic fail orgies. 2/5!

ymantisTHE DEADLY MANTIS (1957)

A 200 ft. prehistoric mantis is freed from the artic ice and sets a flight plan for the equator, terrorizing Washington, D.C. and New York along the way. Almost as good as Them! but a little more reminiscent of The Giant Claw with the acting and special effects. Model plans get smashed, bugs sound like dino lions, Eskimos are stuck on fastforward, the Washington Monument gets infested, the stiffest acting is the rod puppet mantis, and everything’s wrapped up with a bad-ass flamethrowing battle with the military in the Manhattan Tunnel. 4/5!

DEATH FROM BEYOND (2006)

In this 37 minute Z-grade short that feels feature length, an easy on the eyes bookworm is eager to break into the porn biz with her friends, but her debut skin flick is interrupted when a supernatural Egyptian hottie drops in to feed off their sexual energies before slayin’ them. Aside from zero budget, so-so actin’, and gag shop props, my biggest issue with this shit is it’s about people makin’ a porno, and we don’t even get as much as a nip slip! Sure, we get more than one scene with some bump and grind, but the talents always covered up and just leaves me feelin’ cheated. Even the Egyptian entity was gettin’ pissed at times and yellin’ at people to do it! A likeable character or two, decent green screen expositions, sword fightin’ cosplay finales in a field, and some pretty girls, but you ain’t missin’ anythin’ skippin’ this one man crew’s attempt at cinematic greatness. 2/5!

DEATH MASK (1998)

A mildly scarred carnie sells his soul to a swamp witch so he can carve the world’s most beautiful mask for his sideshow attraction, but his twisted folk art becomes a magic weapon that makes ass-holes kill themselves if they look into its eyes when he’s wearin’ it. The story’s interestin’ enough with a kind of Tales From the Crypt vibe to it, but it has some of the most abrupt transitions I’ve ever seen, a confusin’ montage of the whole movie at the very beginnin’, and the carnie’s burn scars need to be waaay worse to warrant the disgusted reactions people have. Overall worth a watch, especially with Linnea Quigley as the carnie’s romantic co-star which proves to be one of her best performances. Swamp witches, stabbin’s, chicken munchin’ geeks, dancin’ snake charmers, pickled skulls, whore houses, killer feng shui, bar bullies, death beds, trailer trash Romeos, hauntin’ clowns, grilled young’ns, gloomy fortune tellers with tilted hairdos, and Linnea Quigley’s boobs in the shower . . . TWICE!! 3/5!

DEATH NOTE (2017)

A notebook full of magical hit lists lands in a high schooler’s lap and gives him power over a cynical death god who kills anyone whose name is written in the book. Wantin’ to be more of a superhero than a horror villain, he sets out to abolish the world’s worst criminals, but things get complicated when super sleuth ninjas and suspicious skirts come after him. Without any knowledge of the manga, anime, or previous film adaptations, I felt this was really good for a stand alone film. Grippin’ tension, cool soundtrack, memorable characters, and fun cinematography that’s never borin’ to look at. Only complaint would be how the filmmakers breezed over the hero’s love life which robs the endin’ of its impact. Decapitations, fatal freefalls, hit and runovers, 400 supernatural assassinations, firin’ squad executions, Ferris wheel chaos, and rules, rules, rules! 4/5!

zraceDEATH RACE 2050 (2017)

In the future, the United Corporations of America’s favorite pastime is the Death Race, a 3-day cross-country sport with 5 eccentric drivers scorin’ as many points as they can runnin’ people over. But there’s a resistance risin’ to end the blood sport and have planted an assassin in the car with the Death Race’s most dangerous driver, Frankenstein. A truer remake to the original than Jason Statham’s version, this flick recaptures the zany balance between absurd violence and dark humor that made Death Race 2000 such a classic. I’m not too thrilled about the car designs or the lack of mystery around Frankenstein, but love the new characters like a technosexual driver with her A.I. car, the maps of the new American countryside, and think this has the best ending of all the Death Race films! Ninjas, Mad Max-like warriors, sex with 500 men, genetic perfection, killer tunes, harpoonin’, drives off cliffs, BDSM, robotic hands, car to car combat, hick resistance, VR cams, terrorists acts, and explosives! 4/5!  

yscreamDEATH SCREAMS (1982)

In this Dazed and Confused meets the slasher genre, a gang of small town yokel youths hang out in the woods after a day at the carnival and are attacked by a killer with no understandable motive. An overall fun look at small town livin’ back in the day, the horror elements feel like an afterthought that get thrown in from time to time. Bodies floating merrily down the stream, skinny dippin’, decapitations, merry go dies, old cranks, base stealin’ simpletons, scary stories in the cemetery, arrows in the back, plastic bag suffocations, head explosions, and none of the horror happens at the carnival! 2/5!

z004DEATHBED (2002)

An artistic couple move into a new loft and fulfill some BDSM fantasies after findin’ a fancy bed in a locked room. Before long, they find out the bed is haunted, and their sex drive is influenced by a decades old serial killer lookin’ for a way back from the afterlife. It’s almost like someone challenged the filmmakers to make a movie with a bed as their only prop and succesfully pull it off! Convincin’ characters, hot bangin’ between the sheets, believable sequence of events, and smart use of a few practical effects for maximum impact. Only flaw I can think of is how exactly the killer haunts the bed, because it’s not clear that’s where he died or that the vixen he kills in it was even his last victim. Awkward maternal models, blackout sketchin’, comic relief birds, possessions, head bashin’, spirit photography, gumshoe researchin’, stranglin’s, mirror worlds, ghostly visions, ghost boobs, hypnosis, rubber room rape, and Joe Esteves as the landlord! 3/5!

DEATHGASM (2015)

Throw Evil Dead and Bill and Ted in a blender, and you get metalheads playing forbidden music that conjures an ancient blind demon wanting to rule the world. Practical gore, dynamic characters, kinetic editing, 1 part boobs to 10 parts dick (one pantsless bastard getting his wiener whacked), evil organizations, and a hard hitting soundtrack. Lives up to the hype. 5/5!

DEATHROW GAMESHOW (1987)

Host of TV’s most successful gameshow Live or Die, Chuck Toedan gives deathrow inmates the opportunity to win their freedom by survivin’ a series of fatal traps and trivia or meet a televised end before a live studio audience. When members of a notorious mob family start losin’ on the show, however, Chuck finds himself fightin’ for his life. I can’t believe how long this cinematic gem’s been flyin’ under the radar given how it’s like The Running Man, Death Race 2000, and Saw thrown in a blender! A cheap blender mind ya, but easily overlooked thanks to a thoughtful script filled with cleverly dark humor John McCafferty successfully carries throughout the film with his performance as Chuck. Only criticism might be to push the envelope a little more with the gore. Decapitations, electrocutions, asphyxiation, explosions, trivia, wake up call boobs, dream boobs, gameshow boobs, forbidden turkey love makin’, dance of the seven boners, recyclin’ dead inmates for commercials, nightmare sequences, broken necks, fatal commercials, and the best movie parody about a cursing mummy! 4/5! 

DECADENT EVIL (2005)

While the sellin’ point of this flick is supposed to be about a poor sucker named Marvin wantin’ revenge on Morella, the vamp who turned him into a pint sized creature called a homunculus for cheatin’ on her, it’s really about her fang bang stripper, Sugar, who wants to run away with her boyfriend before Morella sucks her ten thousandth neck and becomes a super vamp. While the two stories do seem exclusive at first, Sugar does get a lot of help from Marvin’s vampire huntin’ son, Full Moon superstar Phil Fondacaro, who’s willin’ to slay her supernatural family to save his own from livin’ in a shit crusted birdcage. A decent story with fair actin’ and makin’ the most it can from what little it has to work with, my only criticism is how the film really takes its time with scenes whether it’s a 15 minute flashback explain’ this movie’s ties to the Vampire Journals or milkin’ every second of an overcharged lap dance. Garlic odor, puppet monsters lickin’ nips, topless chicks galore, dangers of internet hookups, throat slittin’, girl on girl lap dances, vamps transformed into puppet beasts, bloodsuckin’, stakin’ hat tricks, midgets suckin’ monster blood, puppet monsters bangin’ other puppet monsters, and cross compasses! 3/5

DECADENT EVIL 2 (2007)

Thankful for Marvin’s help defeatin’ Morella the last flick, Sugar and her boyfriend take it upon themselves to hunt down a king vampire feastin’ on regulars at a strip joint and use his sacred blood to revive Marvin’s vampire killin’ son as a bloodsuckin’ vampire killer. A favor the mini-Blade is none to happy about! While I still feel like the whole thing with Marvin falls to the wayside again despite this all bein’ about helpin’ his family, I do think this is a better story than Decadent Evil, offerin’ a little mystery, red herrin’s, and whodunit reveals. Sugar and her boy click better with more screen time together, there’s more quirky bad guys, and there’s a definite step up in the special effects make-up with the king vamp who’s about to turn super bloodsuckers with his ten thousandth kill like Morella in part one. Sadly, Phil Fondacro doesn’t reprise his role as Marvin’s son. Strippers in action, cranberry juice fanatics, cross spinnin’ compasses, garlic odors, gumshoe mysteries, fugly vampers, blood suckin’, stakin’s, throats slit, dead midget carry-ons, reanimated midgets, blood snacks, and fang bangers gettin’ raped from behind by a puppet monster! 3/5!

DECAMPITATED (1998)

When a mother nature hatin’ outdoorsman finds an animated gang of youthful urbanites campin’ in the woods, he makes sure it’s a vacation to dismember. Overall, this is a silly Troma flick full of ham performances and cartoon violence, but it’s the kind I enjoy watchin’! Consistent humor, hot girls, kinetic cinematography, rockin’ soundtrack, over the top gore, lively sound editin’, the killer’s look is memorable, the script ain’t bad. . . only complaint is the sudden drop in tension when everyone starts comin’ back from their supposed deaths, stickin’ dismembered parts back on like Mr. Potato Head. Head rippin’, throat slittin’, severed limbs, ear fishin’, human head puppets, lustin’ transvestites, car wrecks, weed eater fights, gunplay, lessons in escapin’ bear traps, showers of blood, machetes to the side, stabbin’s, blood taps, ghost stories around the campfire, fishin’ for teens, and no boobs! 4/5! 

DEEP DARK (2015)

So, someone saw Joaquin Phoenix fall in love with his cellphone in Her and must’a been inspired to make the same movie but with a man and his dirty minded glory hole. A lousy mobile sculptor finally finds success when a hole in his wall starts talking like a sex line call girl, giving him every step for achieving his dreams. Before he knows it, their professional relationship turns intimate, and he’s gotta let the possessive hole down easy before she kills those who’d come between them. Severed fingers, hole frenchin’, monster mouths, hole caressin’, clever art, and expected hole fuckin’.This story was a great kind of crazy, but only had 2 gory kills, no boobs, and no hint of an explanation for who or what the hole was. Would liked to have seen the danger escalate more and find out whatever was behind the hole.  4/5!

DEEP SPACE (1988)

Government engineered space turds crash to Earth and hatch Alien inspired bio-weapons two city cops decide to tackle. Interestin’ enough characters to keep ya entertained, impressive effects for a cheap flick, and a solid story, this feels heavier on the cop drama than the sci-fightin’ you’re really wantin’ to see, but the slimy bug critters are worth waitin’ for when they finally get into the mix. Gunfights for Halloween masks, deadly tentacles, secret labs, shady government agents, pointless psychics on the phone, poisonous gases, throwin’ killer turd bugs on dates, meteorite crash sites with bums, decapitations, toothy vagina chests, e.t. chainsaw fights, and we learn playin’ the bagpipes makes women take their clothes off! 3/5! 

DEMENTED DEATH FARM MASSACRE aka HONEY BRITCHES (1971)

If you wanna see a shlockluster flick that’s way oversold with an outrageous Troma title, this is it! A gang of big city jewel thieves hoof it through the Carolina boonies after a heist and hide out at a backwoods moonshine operation where they bully a hypocritical Bible thumper and his buxom $200 wife ’til they fight back. This isn’t a horrible plot with interestin’ enough characters but will sure put you to sleep with zero boobs, minimal bloodshed, stiff actin’ reminiscent of a middle school play, and a ho down of a classy soundtrack. Not even insert shots of John Carradine readin’ Cryptkeeper cue cards from his death bed could save this flick. Hick chick fights, rapes made okay, bear traps, yokels shot in the head, big tit bimbos ran over, smarty pants clubbed over the head, backwood bikinis, and only one laughable scene worth watchin’ with mental games endin’ with pitchforks to the gut and throat! 2/5!  

ydemonkillerTHE DEMON (1981)

A silent killer is running around South Africa in a fake face with 1960s Catwoman gloves, slashing random people and pulling plastic bags over their heads like Billy in Black Christmas. An okay film at best, the real disconnect in this film are the separate victims’ stories that never intersect with a frustrated family hiring the worst psychic detective to hunt down the killer in the beginning and a couple of hotties the killer attacks at the end. Fatal hitchhiking, skeletons in trees, childnapping, girly magazine slashing, topless escape plans, Rambo bathroom attire, slasher vision, worst booby trap EVER, self-defense scissors, and fatal one night stands! 3/5!

y02THE DEMON MURDER CASE (1983)

This silly made for TV flick is about a boy playing too homicidal with his family and blaming it on demon possession which demonologist Andy Griffith claims to be true. While Andy’s busy rallying the church for an exorcism, Kevin Bacon challenges the demon to leave the boy and cut loose in his feet which may or may not be what lands him on trial for killing a dick dog stylist lusting after his girlfriend. Everything’s better with Bacon, but this film is just dumb thanks to its flimsy storytelling. It needs to stick with a character for us to follow, get to its points quicker, and give the audience better satisfaction at the end. Demonic boy voices, boys miming assailants, levitations, stabbings, and Bacon doing a demonic dog impression! 3/5!

DEMON SEX (2005)

If the title weren’t enough of a dead giveaway, this is porn . . . at its worst! The bare minimum plot this mess follows is a slide show spill about lizard aliens creatin’ the bug-eyed aliens along with the rest of humanity, leavin’ demons classified somewhere between the two anal probin’ species. Brinke fuckin’ “Scream Queen” Stevens is head of some witch house obsessed with this shit, and her naked loons prepare for the second comin’ as they take in some prego whose birth gets mixed with demon DNA a fat stripper lovin’ nerd finds. Horrible actin’, sets decorated with every UFO gag gift you’ve seen at Spencer’s, pole dances with people dry humpin’ on stage and stabbin’ each other, fully naked pregos, girls gettin’ carved with extreme close-ups of their snatch bein’ cut, foot fetishes, rubber heads ripped off and stabbed, naked blondes swimmin’ in pools, chunks taken out of guys, e.t. babies, one couple slap the dog shit out of each other with blood everywhere while the dude humorously barks to be choked harder, dicks, looong sex scenes, no soundtrack, looong periods without any sound, and Brinke has a rub-a-dub death scene where she shoves a guy’s head off his shoulders and rubs his blood all over her breasts! 1/1! 

DEMONIC (2015)

After a gang of amateur ghost hunters are found slaughtered in a house with a morbid history, the police grill the only survivor for answers while reviewin’ tapes of their paranormal investigation gone 10 kinds of wrong. Parts gumshoe Ghostbusters, found footage, and detective drama, this flick looks great with an interestin’ enough story, but I personally wish the filmmakers didn’t juggle the two perspectives and stay focused on the cops’ side of the story which I think is superior to the ghost chasers’ investigation. Possessions, demonic smoke and mirrors, car wrecks, séances, ballerina box compasses, airborne yahoos, mommy issues, psychics, stabbin’s, axe weildin’ killers, infra-red spirits, massacre back stories, and devil baby drama! 3/5! 

zzzzzzDEMONIC TOYS 2 (2010)

Expanding his collection of oddities, Dr. Lorca (from Full Moon’s Hideous!) purchases the salvaged remains of two demonic toys durin’ a tour of Europe and makes one last stop for another sinister toy found in an Italian castle full of bad mojo. This latest addition has plans of its own, however, and resurrects Oopsie Daisy and Jack Attack to help kill everyone stranded at the castle overnight. I love how Full Moon has its own movie-verse and mixes up characters from their other movies! This film has a fun cast of characters, an awe inspirin’ location, and some great puppetry/CGI blends that need to be incorporated in the newer Puppet Master movies, but there’s a major lack of tension and momentum that undermines the film’s entertainment value. Cursin’ baby dolls, clown snakes, spring-loaded devils, magic tapping, hell holes, séances, possessed midgets, decapitations, psychics, table dancin’ midgets, castle tours, gold digger affairs, and toy bashin’! 3/5!

DEMONICUS (2001)

A hiker is possessed by cursed gladiator armor he finds in the Alps and hacks up his friends for a blood ‘n gore soup meant to resurrect a demonic warrior. While I think the plot is interestin’ enough, the special effects are hit and miss, I don’t give a damn about any of the characters, the fight scenes are embarassin’, and it’s like someone without thumbs edited this thing together. Severed limbs, body part stew, possessions, explodin’ CGI, whole arms sawed off, zombie gladiators, meltdown corpses, swordplay, impalements, bloodspray-vision, decapitations, Monty Python limb gags, and weakest zombie bites ever captured on celluloid! 2/5! 

zdemDEMONOID (1981)

In this killer hand flick, an ancient evil is released from a Satanic temple discovered in the mines of Mexico and plays leap frog possessin’ people’s left hands for despicable acts of . . . well . . . evil! Only a ginger partly responsible for its release and a boxin’ priest stand in its way from gamblin’ in Vegas and crushin’ poor bastards’ faces in its palm! Not a bad film by any means, the openin’ scene with the cult is great, and the scenes of folks cuttin’ their hands off are wince worthy. I only think the ginger’s motivation for destroyin’ the meat hook needs to be more convincin’, and just what the hell did the hand want anyway? Cult boobs, head to toe fires, priests boxin’ the devil’s hand in the ring of good and evil, kidnappin’, severed hands crawlin’ amok, ashes to watery regenerations, evil containers, devil statues, shots in the back, hot nurses, and hands cut off with swords, surgical tools, trains, and torches! 3/5!

x03DEMONS 2 (1986)

A demon jumps out a birthday girl’s TV and turns her apartment building into the horror version of Die Hard with tenants turning into crazed hordes of demons battling fitness junkies and expecting parents. Forget logic in this demonic thrill ride. Just throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care and watch non-stop demonic chaos, pregos fight for their lives, and people wait for party crashers in the street for no reason. Demon apocalypse TV movies, baby puppet demons, prego repelling, airborne weights, muscle head armies, elevator chases, corrosive blood, umbrella deaths, demonic young’ns, and parking garage chaos! 3/5!

ymarsDEVIL GIRL FROM MARS (1954)

Martian women win a war of the sexes on their home planet and send a lone commander to Earth to recruit fine strong men for repopulating their diminished race. Falling short of her course for London, the commander lands in the middle of a Scottish soap opera and confronts men who’d rather die than be taken on the sexual adventure of a lifetime in the stars. The story’s a little slow, but this film has a good ensemble of well-rounded characters who keep things interesting. Ray guns, organic technology, scientists, va-va-vinyl costumes, young’ns for trade, tree disintegrations, and a walking refrigerator! 3/5!

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (2015)

When a heavy metal painter and his family move into their new house in the countryside, an unknown force compels him to paint disturbin’ visions that are tied to vile acts committed by the previous homeowners’ son, a guitar thrashin’ whacko the same force instructs to butcher young’ns. Never knowin’ they’re in tune with the same mysterious force, the two men’s paths cross when the twitchy eye psycho returns home and believes Satan wants the painter’s daughter next. An incredibly well made film that perfectly presents a believable family worth carin’ about and shows an impressive side of Ethan Embry’s actin’ I’ve never seen before, my only gripe with this flick is not pushin’ the boundaries enough. The supernatural wavelength of evil the painter and killer are tuned into is beggin’ to be explored but neither really talk about it, try to figure out where it’s comin’ from, or use it as a means for outsmartin’ dark premonitions. It’s kind of just there, movin’ the story along and givin’ the flick a little mystique. Death by Flyin’ V guitar smashin’, head smashin’, head to toe fires, gunshots to the shoulder, buried luggage full of cut up young’ns, kidnapped young’ns, butterfly paintings gone demonic, psycho bed buddies, Houdini duct tape, metal tunes, people crushed between vehicles, and fatal motels! 3/5!

DIE, MONSTER, DIE (1965)

A feeble Boris Karloff plays a game of “Mine!” with a radioactive meteorite and tries to keep his daughter’s nosey fiancée from interruptin’ his shoddy experiments with it in the basement. Based on an H.P. Lovecraft short, this flick sets the perfect mood for a forebodin’ horror with gothic scenery that pops, noteworthy sound effects, and lots of story potential with its mystery around Karloff’s family and his tests. Problem is, however, it misses some beats with the pacin’ of the suspense and reveals that leaves me feelin’ like a lot didn’t happen by the end. Best part is Karloff’s comic book origin for mutatin’ into a sparkly super villain in the last act. Giant craters, secret burials, experimental green houses, mutie family members, hateful townspeople, axe wieldin’ crazies, meteorites that grant super powers, fatal freefalls, games of chase, and mutie pets! 3/5! 

DIG TWO GRAVES (2014)

In a 1970s hickville, a girl’s older brother is presumed dead after he disappears cliff jumpin’ into a lake, but a gang of hillbilly gypsies tell her she can get him back if she sacrifices someone else over the cliff to take his place. Is this a magical morality tale or might the girl be gettin’ tricked by folks with a grudge against her grandpappy, Sheriff Buffalo “Marble Mouth” Bill. A crisp film with a nice color palate and nostalgic art direction, this isn’t so much a horror flick as it is a crime drama. Starts off promisin’ enough with Gypsy hoodoo involvin’ blood, snakes, and tradin’ souls, but ultimately breaks down to boomerang karma and old school cops and crooks by the end. Cliff jumpin’, backwoods rapin’, Gypsy drownin’, mama target practice, moonshine housefires, cops duel with side arms, snake dancers, magic bags of snakes, snake head bitin’, 1940s flashbacks, snake blood rituals, magic necklaces, and swirlies! 3/5!

ydisaDISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM (2016)

A disappointing film, Kate Beckinsale gives the performance of a Lifetime movie as her fragile family moves to the country for a fresh start and discover their new house is haunted by a ruthless father and his deformed daughter he kept locked in a secret room. Part supernatural suspense, part is she/isn’t she crazy mindfuck, this snoozefest offers very little as far as memorable moments, tension, or horrific twists. Marvel superheroes cosplay, time travel egg timers, dinner party dramas, mental wives, roof flirts, evil dogs, dead cats, deformed young’n bashing, and 1 gory head bashing! 3/5!

DOLL GRAVEYARD (2005)

A teenage geek digs up a dead girl’s doll collection in his backyard and is possessed by her pissed off spirit. After bein’ pushed around by horny party crashers at his sister’s house party, the pissed ghost girl animates her unearthed toys and commands them to kill everybody. Give Charlie Band some killer dolls to direct, and you’re sure to have an entertainin’ Full Moon flick. The teens are believable, the dolls are effective, and the cinematography has some sharp energy behind it, but I would like to see the dolls arrive at a bigger conclusion and feel the chemistry between the toy geek and his crush is just awkward. Fatal falls, buried young’ns, abusive fathers, hogtied brothers, action figure romances, toothy baby girl dolls, cantaloupe sex aids, kinky handcuff sex, spiked pile drivers to the nuts, eye gougin’, face chewin’, slice ‘n dice with swords, possessions, cock teases, and Ooga Booga’s first appearance of Ooga Booga! 4/5!

zdollsDOLLS (1987)

A couple of wrinkly assholes pass judgment on guests stranded at their rural home, deciding whether or not they’re bad enough to be magically transformed into little homicidal dolls. The movie that inspired the Puppet Master films, this is a legit scary movie full of pretty dark scenes from the disturbing stop motion to the fate of the mean spirited guests. Certainly deserves a spot next to Chucky on the killer toy shelf! Party punk chicks, fatal free fall crones, imaginary teddy bear murders, toy soldier execution, killer doll mobs, murderous doll piles, abusive parents, baby doll buggy strolls with witches, doll stomping, doll smashing, dolls on fire, and sleeping with corpses! 4/5!

ysleepDON’T GO TO SLEEP (1982)

After little Jennifer accidentally burns alive in a wreck caused by her dad’s drinking, she doesn’t think her family mourns her death enough and haunts her younger sister to kill them all. Better than expected (especially for a TV movie), this flick offers a whimsical score, interesting characters with family dynamics you can invest in, and just keeps surprising us with what family members get axed! Bonfire beds, screaming grannies, airborne brothers, splish splash deaths, rubber rooms, Iguana cutaways, and the only time we’ve ever seen a killer use a pizza cutter like a buzzsaw murder weapon! 4/5!

ychristmaDON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)

Twisted by the sight of his Santa decked dad killing his mama years earlier, the slasher in this ho-ho-holiday horror goes on a St. Nick killing spree in London with Scotland Yard and a couple of young lovers trying to figure out who he is. Not the most exciting Christmas horror to get you in the scary spirit of the season, but its got double digit body count and lots of hot women that includes a Santa babe sure to keep you warm on a wintery night. Santa alley sex, stabbings, strangling, restroom castrations, London Dungeon, spears to the head, machetes to the head, gouged eyeballs, Caroline Munro concerts, peep shows, auto electrocutions, explosive gifts, nudie photoshoots, faces roasting on an open fire, eating bullets, hangin’ deaths, and strippernappin’! 4/5!

DR. ALIEN (1989)

When a college bookworm volunteers for extra credit with his bangin’ new biology teacher, she slips him an experimental sex serum and gives him a puckerin’ asshole out the top of his head that makes the ladies crazy. All’s fun and questionably rape ’til the teach reveals herself to be an alien, and our hero turned sex machine must decide between saving her race or hookin’ up with his college crush. A guilty pleasure, this is simply a light hearted sci-fi sex comedy with a pretty decent story and plenty of boobs without crossin’ over into any dirty grindin’. Only complaint is the leadin’ man in his late teens soundin’ too much like a 12 year old. Fantasy boobs, girls locker rooms, drive-inn dates, rock band performances, sex with aliens, Scooby-Doo reveals, proton cannons, concert chaos, street racin’, Creepozoids nods, school yard brawls, sad slow mo kicks to the face, and Linnea Quigley in concert! 3/5!

ycyclopsDR. CYCLOPS (1940)

Scientists and jungle jimbos hike it to a jungle research station to look in on a near-blind scientist’s findings, only to piss him off and be zapped into living G.I.Joe dolls with stabbing action by a radium powered shrink ray. Don’t expect to see any one-eyed monsters in this live-action Tom & Jerry meets Honey I Shrunk the Kids. The whole cyclops thing is just a comparison  the tiny victims use for their predicament against the greedy egghead with coke bottles for eyes. Giant cats, giant dogs, one cool death by laserbeams, beautiful Technicolor that pops off the screen, not to mention mules and the men who love them. 3/5!

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE (1965)

Vincent Price plays the ’66 Batman villain that never was, Dr. Goldfoot! Buildin’ a machine that stamps out bikini clad fembots, Dr. G’s buxom gold diggers aggressively seek out the world’s richest men for marriage then threaten them with blue balls ‘less they sign over their fortunes. Things are goin’ accordin’ to plan until a beach blanket bingo star plays detective and dares to blow Dr. G’s diabolical operation wide open. If you enjoy a lot of ’60s silliness you’ve seen spoofed in Austin Powers films, then you’ll get a kick out of this quirky light-hearted adventure with a movie villain Price joyously hams up. Gold bikini fembots, fembot torture, re-animated assistants, ray shootin’ lipstick, opera glasses with poison tip daggers, gold pixie shoes, car and motorcycle chases through San Francisco, trollies flyin’ off cliffs, explodin’ cars, explosive drinks, shackled dinners, secret passageways, accelerated educations, hands poppin’ off, old dungeons, boxin’ suitcases, and recycled scenes of Price from The Pit and the Pendulum! 3/5! 

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS (1966)

While Mr. G’s first campy adventure is considered a flop in the US box office, he does manage to find some success overseas where Italian filmmakers are eager to continue his wacky adventures for global domination. Rather than subtly stealin’ money out from millionaires’ noses, Mr. G’s now built a machine that cranks out fembot assassins who seduce powerful war leaders for some explosive lip action. While this sequel offers more deadly eye candy and ham actin’ than the first flick, it fails to give us any heroes to care about, doesn’t focus on any particular fembot like before, and guts all the horror elements out for pure spy parody. And nothin’ against Italians’, but I don’t think their Benny Hill slapstick treatment of Mr. G was all that funny to laugh at. It’s like those times you catch yourself not cacklin’ at a cartoon when the laugh track’s goin’ off the rails! Explosive fembots, everywhich way periscopes, 2 dipshits turned spies, Asian henchmen, green screen freefalls, gold pixie shoes, 4th wall breakage, long chase sequences, brief dance numbers, men in gold bikinis, axe wieldin’ robot doubles, mirror gags, Asian assistants named Hardjob, straddlin’ nukes, and Vincent Price plays Mr. G pretendin’ to be a general played by himself! 2/5!

zdocDR. MOREAU’S HOUSE OF PAIN (2004)

In this period piece, a lousy fighter traces his missing brother to a secret lab where Dr. Moreau has been taken prisoner by his own beastly creations and experiments on kidnapped victims to help turn the mutants human. All around good acting with pretty decent make-up for the manimals, the story’s classic without being hackneyed and the dramatic tension holds up. Best part is the jaguar woman who far surpasses the feline fatales of Cat People (1982) and The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996). Pig men, hyena men, fish face women, pig man sex for freedom, manimal stippers, jaguar women sex, human rag dolls, and fists through heads! 3/5!

DRIVE THRU (2007)

A high school girl is stalked by a fast food mascot named Horny who’s the murderous reincarnation of a classmate her mom accidentally killed years before. A killer clown flick that deserves waaay more attention, this unsung horror has a solid story, slick cinematography, and a sequel worthy killer with a memorable look. Ball pit terror, drive thru ambushes, haunted house ambushes, heads in microwaves, hung classmates, meat cleaver hackin’, possessions, human matchsticks, séances, stabbin’s, decapitations, and dead surprise parties! 4/5!

THE DUNWICH HORROR (1970)

When a goody two shoes librarian makes friends with the local loon, little does she know she’s bein’ prepped for sacrifice to usher in interdimensional bein’s described in her library’s latest acquisition, the Necronomicon. Based on the classic H.P. Lovecraft story, this flick’s a bit of a slow burn but far from borin’ with its hip visuals, eerie build-up, and Dean Stockwell’s creepily calm performance as Wilbur Whateley. It’s biggest flaw is a non-existent hero, a villain you can’t root for, and one hell of an anti-climatic endin’ with every character lackin’ effort and development. Library brawls, historic lynch tours, pillow talk picnics, roofies, auto sabotage, grandpas fallin’ down stairs, theatrical geezer make-ups, tentacle creatures, secret twins, asylums, impalements, mental visions, farm massacres, rubber room crones with no panties, sacrificial rituals, library thefts, monster visions, funny ritual faces, twist baby endin’s, and spontaneous combustion freefalls! 3/5!

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