C – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

YCABINFEVERCABIN FEVER (2016)

If you saw the first Cabin Fever, then you’ve already seen this carbon copy remake that’s the exact same script filmed nearly shot for shot from Eli Roth’s original work about kids getting stuck in a bumfuck nowhere cabin with a flesh eating disease killing them. No new surprises or spins on a familiar concept, just chameleon filmmakers giving us the EXACT same movie almost line for line with microscopic changes that ain’t worth anyone’s time to recreate much less watch. Crazed dogs, biting hillbilly young’ns, angry hillbillies, dead pigs, dead dogs, last chance sex, finger bang misfires, bloody vomits, death shacks, hermits on fire, guitar clobberings, dog attacks, bloodbaths . . . every fucking thing you already saw in the first movie, with the exact same if not worse special effects compared to Roth’s version. 2/5!

YCARNCARNIVORE (2000)

A monstrous government experiment escapes from a secret lab under a small town haunt, and its killer instinct is triggered by horny teens crashing overnight with gun toting suits racing in behind them. Featuring a pretty decent creature and laughable cast of characters, this doomed film really needed to push the envelope further with the humor and give the victims a bit more run for their money. Face ripping, monster vision, boobs, goofy sheriffs, hard life teens, lessons in sex equaling fear, secret agents who can’t change a tire, beauty and the beast moments, and solutions with big guns! 3/5!

ycarnCARNOSAUR (1993)

Roger Corman’s answer to Jurassic Park, this science gone bad flick asks the hard question; What came first, the chicken or the dino? A wacko doctor fills finger lickin’ chickens with genetic dino code, and a small town becomes ground zero for a case of the baby dino squirts with each newborn reptile rapidly growing into giant flailing puppets! See it to believe it, this mockbuster offers good variations of characters, decent mix-up of puppets and stop-motion dinos, and a laughable but interesting story. Chicken deaths, protestin’ hippie buffets, severed hands, laser cages, people birthing dinos, people birthing eggs, corporation cover-ups, embryo covered berries, pet-shop massacres, hawk screams for dino sounds, the smallest Bobcat construction vehicles vs dinos, sheriff showdowns with dinos in the street, dino-vision, and Clint Howard’s head is ripped off by a dino. 3/5!

ycarn2CARNOSAUR 2 (1995)

Take the plot from Aliens but replace the xenomorphs with dinos, and you got the lackluster sequel to Carnosaur. Dinos from the first movie escape a lab hidden in a nuclear waste repository, accidentally initiating a meltdown an unprepared team of Geek Squad action hero wannabes have to stop without becoming lunch. Not as clever of a story as the first movie with fewer characters to care about, this was essentially a Tom and Jerry movie with people outwitting rubber dinos chasing them the whole time. Arms ripped off in gory fashion, ambush dino hitchhikers, fatal dino freefalls, forklifts vs dinos, TNT defenses, and young’n tag-a-longs. 2/5!

x01CARNY (2009)

A crooked carny bags the Jersey Devil for his traveling sideshow, but some brats throw one too many peanuts at the 13th son and causes him to go on a blood thirsty rampage only Sheriff Lou Diamond Phillips can save a small town from. Further proof not all Syfy original movies are misses, this TV horror has top notch acting, a surprisingly good CGI devil, an energetic pace, and dares to break away from Syfy movie’s typical bleak washes to actually give us eye popping colors! Tranqs galore, plot developin’ peanuts, devil air strikes, eye gouging, bad fortunes, Ferris wheel chaos, fatal freefalls, dog death, freaks, and pastors vs cryptzoos! 4/5!

CARVER’S GATE (1996)

A deep-fried  shit burrito of film noir and horror wrapped in sci-fi, this made for TV movie may entice you with the promise of monster mayhem but don’t fall for it. In the post-apocalypse, people escape their nuclear lifestyles in virtual reality games, but an impossible rift opens between the real world and cyberspace, unleashing impressive Power Ranger looking beasts to wreck havoc. Good acting, blah story, and 3.5 sorry ass monster scenes that end as soon as they begin. This so-so sci-fi at least has the best reaction to a poor son-of-a-bitch gett’n his head popped off like a human Pez dispenser.  3/5!

ycellCELL (2016)

People’s cell phones turn them into a crazed army of violent pawns for a mysterious entity known as the President of the Internet, and John Cusack must brave the human dial toning jukeboxes to find his son. Much better than I expected, this isn’t another hackneyed zombie survival film, but a unique kind of Body Snatchers story with some fresh ideas I hadn’t seen before. 10x better than those horrible Pulse movies! Human barbeque sleepovers, graphic novel premonitions, men eating their dogs, Lloyd Kaufman cameos, ice cream trucks serving explosive flavors, and a debatable ending with very little to no plot explanation! 3/5!

y09THE CHILDREN (1980)

A leak at the nuclear power plant creates a toxic fog that transforms a bus of young’ns into zombie-like mutants whose greatest weapon is . . . corrosive hugs! See it to believe it, this Troma released film ain’t a half-assed gag some simpleton slapped together but a legit horror flick that’s well made with solid camerawork, successful effects, and believable actors you actually give a damn about. Prego twist endings, swordplay, hand chopping, backseat ambushes, fatal hugs, burnt up corpses, games of death tag, fun with power windows, young’n hunts, bicyclin’ blondes, bikini babe dog owners, young’n target practice, airborne young’ns, and young’n slappin’. 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

A couple accidentally run over a human speedbump and take an unexpected detour to Gatlin, Nebraska where children have slaughtered the adults and been livin’ as corn worshippin’ loons under the guidance of a creepy preachin’ young’n named Isaac for 3 years. This Lord of the Flies meets the Farmers’ Almanac is a pretty decent idea with interestin’ enough characters but could have played up the scares a lot more with the adults bein’ at the mercy of brainwashed young’ns servin’ “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” Good mornin’ dancin’, diner massacre, artistic visions of the future, corn crosses, crucified cop husks, ginger henchmen, rocket powered preachers, possessions, stabbin’s, supernatural storms, young’n roadkill, dogs killed offscreen, gassy geezers, chest carvin’, cartoon gods, throat slittin’, cornfield arsons, freaky little preachers, cartoon possessions, ghost towns, blood party punch, neck snaps, young’n corn duels, and young’ns beaten with car doors! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992)

Followin’ the horror uncovered at the end of the last flick, people from all over swarm Gatlin, Nebraska for the parentless corn young’ns. Unsuspectin’ folks from the neighborin’ town are quick to adopt them, and the media are hungry for all the gory details that left their home a ghost town. Only one discredited rag journalists draggin’ along an ungrateful son sticks around long enough get the real scoop on the reformin’ corn cult and even gets mixed up in some shady town business involvin’ bad corn that could have started the corn craze. A surprisingly good follow-up to the original that offers lots of outlandish deaths, fun characters, dynamic relationships that easily hook you in clever ways, and explores more of the corn mythology without gettin’ too complicated. Only hiccup worth mentionin’ in this whole thing is the troubled son’s intention to really join the corn young’ns or not and his local heartthrob’s connection to it all. Bodies in the basement, houses dropped on old ladies, remote control wheelchairs, bingo parlors, trucks slammin’ seniors through windows, waterhole swimmin’, severed hand make-out sessions, possessions that look like crazy CGI theme park rides on a molecular level, Native Americans with all the expositions, livin’ corn stalks, airborne cornstalks breakin’ through windshields, corn crosses, wooden voodoo dolls, faces springin’ blood spewin’ leaks, town meetin’s on fire, corn mold in the wind, demon facials, harvest to death, ’66 Batman traps, bed, boobs, and breakfast, stabbin’s, Native American spirits, and news team slaughter on the scene! 4/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3: URBAN HARVEST (1995)

You can take the boy outta the corn, but you can’t take the corn outta of the boy! A country young’n converts to corn and is flown to live with a foster family in Chicago with his older brother after their daddy “disappears.”  Faster than you can say “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” the smug brat starts plantin’ his dark magic and convinces his school it’s cool to be corny while his brother hurries to disband the cult which includes Charlize Theron! This series continues to impress as we’re given a sequel that feels fresh with a new direction while maintainin’ story elements that made the first films so memorable and pushin’ their limits at the same time. Great relationships among the characters, an unforgettable villain, solid effects, and one hell of a monster scene at the end! Tag tram preachin’, nightmare sequences, two brothers to a bed, faces sewn shut, livin’ corn stalks, super corn crops for profit, suitcases full of creepy crawlies, corn bibles, school bullies, bum defenses, stabbin’s, b-ball, flesh meltin’ anti-smokin’ ads, head impalement on pipes, heads split in half, heads full of bugs, tainted meals, giant tentacle monsters, deadly dinners, head rippin’, and one really bad stop-motion victim! 5/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4: THE GATHERING (1996)

Naomi Watts returns home from med school to help care for her agoraphobic mama but gets caught up in a corn epidemic after the spirit of a pissed off young’n preacher named Josiah is resurrected from his secret grave in a well and starts convertin’ the town’s youngn’s to corn followers. The actin’s top notch, the effects are solid, and the villain’s got a rich backstory despite not havin’ much of a screen presence. There could have been more emotion among the core family we’re followin’ to help us invest in their dilemma more, and I didn’t feel like the mom’s death was enough of a payoff after all the time spent buidlin’ up her fears of bein’ attacked by blood slingin’ young’ns. Fallin’ farm tools pinnin’ drunks, killer young’m nightmares, boilin’ fevers, stretchers cuttin’ folks in half, possessed young’ns, stabbin’s, slicin’, quicksilver shotgun shells, evil preacher stories, seniors with all the expositions, throat slittin’, head impalements, corn blood, blood baths, ice baths, and livin’ corn stalks! 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 5: FIELDS OF TERROR (1998)

A weak entry in the corn young’n series, a gang of friends are on a road trip to spread some poor sucker’s ashes but find themselves trespassin’ in corn cult territory where I’m sure David Carradine is breakin’ a lot of child labor laws. Among the mess of backstories the characters bring to the table, one of the friends remembers their abandoned brother is in the cult and sticks around to save him before he reenacts Joe vs the Volcano with a sacrificial jump into a supernatural fire from “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” This flick expands the corn cult mythos, gives us entertainin’ enough characters, and has enough substance with the drama it dumps in, but is ehh at best. The cinematography tries too hard to spice up the story, the villain(s) are weak, the kills are a snooze fest, and the different characters’ backstories aren’t executed all that well and even seem to be competin’ at times. Girls gone ashy, blow-up doll road markers, stabbin’s, impalements, fatal freefalls onto farm equipment, cornfield chases, chainsaw chases, head splittin’ special effects, roasted faces, lit up firemen, suicide silos, possessed gingers, weak willed Latinos, squattin’, fire bombed cars wrecks, games of drill/torch/explosions, face slicin’, knocked-up young’ns, young’ns torturin’ young’ns, levitations, death by lightnin’, lynch clubs, and Kane “Voorhees” Hodder serves up drinks at the local waterin’ hole! 3/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN (1999)

In this slightly convoluted sequel hopin’ to put some fire back in the series, an 18 year old girl named Hannah blows into Gatlin searchin’ for her birth mama, and her arrival opens a whole can of cream corn. Destined to fulfill a prophecy as the first generation born from the first flick’s mayhem, Hannah’s chosen to mama the next generation of young’n killers for “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” and her Lamaze partner is the freaky preacher, Isaac, who’s been in a coma since becomin’ a possessed firework 19 years prior. Beautifully shot and featurin’ the best last girl in the series (next to Naomi Watts in part four of course), this film is a well structured mystery that ain’t too difficult to follow but does get a little muddled when we get into who’s whose young’n and what they’re expected to do for the prophecy. Isaac’s surprise return is a clever move on the filmmakers part, but I feel he deserves way more character development as an older character with the most experience in the cornfield. My biggest gripe with this flick is how easy it is for the heroes to defeat the latest incarnation of “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” at the end. Jealous girlfriends cut in half, suicide scythes, Stacy Keach is electrocuted, sneaky injections, fake graves, bogus scare illusions, mama visions, impalements, gunshots to the face, unnecessary explosions, vanishin’ hitchhikers, extreme close-ups of barn shower love scenes, dirt bike chases, cult member murders, stabbin’s, levitations, and open ended endin’s! 3/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: REVELATION (2001)

In this perfect example of a great story ruined by shitty execution, a granddaughter is lookin’ for her missin’ nana who just moved into an apartment buildin’ scheduled for demolition and gets caught up in a Body Snatchers inspired plot with a preachy ghost young’n transformin’ crazy tenants into obedient corn born killers. The film looks really slick and introduces new ideas for the corn that could have been incredibly creepy but just crash and burns with its snoozefest leads, poor audio edits, mind numbin’ pace, and waste of Michael Ironside’s superb talent as a pointless preacher repeatin’ stuff other characters already said. The over the top cripple in the wheelchair screamin’ obscenities like a crazed sailor is my favorite part. Rub-a-dub death with killer corn stalks, fatal freefalls, blood filled corn cobs, ghost faces in the sky, explosions, heart attacks, heads in coolers, free roamin’ young’ns, ghost young’ns, pointless preachers, corn young’ns playin’ the shit out of “House of the Dead,” field of screams, eternal youth is bein’ reborn from corn, basement farmers, corn wreaths, and the first pair of boobs to ever be bared in a corn flick! 2/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: GENESIS (2011)

As a stand alone movie, this is an impressive little flick fallin’ back on a good script and convincin’ actors to make up for a miniscule budget that grossly limits the sets and effects. As a Children of the Corn sequel, however, it leaves a lot to be desired after everythin’ we’ve seen the last 7 movies plus the remake. A man and his prego wife break down in the California desert and seek shelter with a Gatlin survivor who continues the corn cult practices. Somehow, the preacher’s got a young’n with scary psychic powers locked up in the backyard, and the concerned couple try savin’ the yard monster while strugglin’ to understand how any of this is tied to “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” A slow burn without a lot of payoff, not to mention possibly the lowest body count of the series, this flick does manage to provide us with one of the most realistic couples EVER caught on celluloid with them questionin’ everythin’ happenin’ and makin’ some excellent decisions for survivin’ a horror movie while callin’ out its bullshit. Airborne coppers, fatal freefalls, supernatural forcefields, impalements, car wrecks with stock footage car carriers, mail order brides, ‘Nam homecomin’ massacres, faces stuffed with corn cobs, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (1991)

When some teeny boppers crash a church to swim its underwater catacombs, they accidentally awaken a big bad vamp who quickly turns their little town into Fangburg, U.S.A. Only a school teacher with the help of the town drunk behind the wheel of a holy roller death machine has any chance of rescuin’ the girls and what’s left of the town! Of all film companies, why can’t Fangoria, horror’s best rag, make a great movie? This flick’s decent mind ya, but is far from a winner with underwhelmin’ heroes, flat villains, borin’ monsters, and a story that feels like it’s missin’ parts that help it naturally escalate. Underwater fangers sleepin’ with their lungs regurgitated, little bastard boys staked, holy hit and runs with bums, slit throats, vampire bingo, vamps barfin’ natural sleepin’ bags, evil grannies, fightin’ with crosses, sabretooth fangs, virgin chases, Karen Black’s boobs in a see through top, and meltin’ vamps! 3/5!

CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (1972)

A macabre director sails his merry band of actors to a remote island’s cemetery for some ghoulish games, but his pranks turn deadly after performin’ a ritual that actually raises the dead as flesh chompin’ zombies. This is a low budget flick with a wild wardrobe, good actin’, and commendable make-up effects, but its pace will either mildly entertain you or put you to sleep before your thumb can press fastforward. The first half is just this group hangin’ out and talkin’, savin’ the last half for the undead action that’s nothin’ new or revolutionary as far as zombie flicks go. Most memorable part is Orville, the dug up stiff the director humorously drags around for his sick amusement. Actin’ stiffs, cottage squatters, tied up caretakers, zombies, and whacko broads! 2/5!

CLOWN (2014)

It ain’t easy to come up with new scary clown films, but this does pretty damn well. Desperate for a party clown to entertain his son’s birthday, a dad throws on some humorous rags he finds in a mysterious trunk, never realizin’ he’s wearin’ the skin of a Nordic demon that starts transformin’ him into a nightmarish beast with a hunger for children. This movies hits the grounds runnin’ and never lets up ’til the end credits which is good and bad. We’re taken on an escalatin’ journey of body horror as we follow the dad’s transformation, but I would like to have seen that pushed a lot more with the effects and final metamorphosis akin to Cronenberg’s The Fly. I also feel like startin’ right into the dad’s dilemma with the evil clown suit doesn’t allow us the opportunity to really establish the emotional bond between him and his family which leaves a lot of this necessary drama drivin’ the story to fall flat. Regurgitated young’n bones, sawed young’ns, Chuck E Cheese chaos, blood flowin’ tubes, bloody ball pits, home video exorcisms, decapitations, car wrecks, colorful clown suicides, possessed doggies decapitated, fingers bitten, fun with power tools, slaughtered young’ns, nose rippin’, and Peter Stormare is the character with all the exposition again! 4/5!

zclwonCLOWNTOWN (2016)

A lost cell phone detours a double date through an empty bumfuck town where a handful of murderous clowns do whatever they want. This is one of those frustrating kind of horror films to watch, because you feel like it has a lot of potential to be something great, but the filmmakers just miss opportunity after opportunity with every passing scene. Decent flick with good idea and believable actors, but could have been more creative and waaay scarier. Co-workers on fire, topless baby-sitters, compact clowns, head bashings, Halloween nods, loosey goosey origin stories, rooftop brawls, crooked cops, crucified hands, dollies, and dog food delicacies! 3/5!

zcoldCOLD PREY (2006)

A bunch of Norwegian yahoos go snowboarding in some remote mountains and shack up in a seemingly abandoned ski resort after one of them breaks their leg, unaware they’ve invaded a killer’s hideout. For the most part, this is a pretty lame film not too different from any other slasher flick you’ve ever seen, minus an abundance of gore. Not a lot of character development, little bit of a confusing origin story for the killer, and most the action plays out like a weak Tom and Jerry chase. The one scene that really separates it from the rest is the intense ending when the final girl takes one last stand against the killer. Broken legs, pick axes to the back and chest, shotguns to the chest, icy disposals, bear traps, ambushes in the snow, and coping with soup cans! 3/5!

zcolonTHE COLONY (2013)

It’s the post-apocalyptic future on ice, and a vicious tribe of smart-ass cannibals chase Laurence Fishburne back to his colony where Bill Paxton’s gotta take a break from shooting flu victims to fight a savage invasion. An okay film that won’t put you to sleep, but very little story, lots of blatant green screen work, and not enough Bill Paxton for my entertainment. Bullets for medicine, weather machines, head bashings, stabbings, heads cut in half, dead bodies galore, bridge parkour, and Fishburne gives his most explosive performance yet! 3/5!

zcomCOMBAT SHOCK (1986)

A Vietnam vet struggles with memories of a massacre he may or may not have been responsible for during the war and strolls Staten Island looking for work to feed his stay at home wife and deformed baby. An incredibly depressing film you better not watch alone, this stream of conscious story doesn’t really offer anything of cinematic value until the third act when the vet gets desperate and goes off the deep end with his downtrodden family in tow. Pimps, unemployment lines, muggings, bookie executions, hobo suicides, flashback revelations, human meat piles, ‘nam torture, dead baby gags, eviction notices, kiddie street walkers, babies in the oven, and fleeting moments of what could have been the start to a more interesting stories. 2/5!

yconjCONJURING 2 (2016)

If you saw the first one, you’ve pretty much seen the sequel. The famous paranormal tag-team, the Warrens, are swearing off investigations but get pulled back in the game when a little girl in London is bullied by the ghost of old man Wilkins. Slick cinematography boosted by a perfect rhythm of jump scares, the Warrens continue to be one of the best couples in a horror movie, but this sequel just didn’t add enough to elevate the series much less differentiate it from the original. No deaths, no tension, water dungeons, demonic nuns, Elvis cover songs, Christmas, Amityville murder reenactments, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland looking creatures, flying furniture, a Supernatural subplot with no explanation, and scary tents no one has enough sense to take down. 4/5!

ycootiesCOOTIES (2014)

When school yard monsters eat contaminated chicken nuggets for lunch, recess turns into a bloodbath as crazed young’ns tear after their teachers who include Dwight from The Office and substitute hobbit, Elijah Wood. Great moments of gore, believable what the fuck moments, and a cast you care about, I just can’t believe how long it takes people to kill psycho young’ns after watchin’ them jump rope with people’s intestines! Young’ns eatin’ asphalt, hair rippin’, face bitin’, games of decapitated tether ball, shroom trippin’ crossing guards, fast ball attacks, explosive indoor playgrounds, dual rear wheels, ventilation chases, kung-fu janitors, stories about evil boats, decayin’ brains, viral babies, disembowelment, head bashin’, Lord of the Rings nods, vehicular young’n slaughter, and vicious young’n piles! 3/5! 

ycreatPETER BENCHLEY’S CREATURE (1998)

The U.S. Government creates a feral shark man for winning the Vietnam war but scraps the gene splicing project as soon as he goes on a frenzy. Decades later, the beast with teeth is accidentally freed and treats himself to some Caribbean islanders unless marine biologist Craig T. Nelson and his family can stop him! Originally filmed as a TV mini-series, this 4 hour movie can really be told in a standard hour and a half. Despite that, the film’s got a good story based on a book by the author of Jaws, solid acting, descent TV gore, and one bad ass looking shark creature from the late Stan Winston! Cliff diving, Mama shark savin’, dolphin sharks, pointless hoodoo voodoo, instant limbs, military intervention, scenes right out of Jaws, and blood clouds! 3/5!

CREEPERS aka PHENOMENA (1985)

A teenage Jennifer Connelly plays a sleepwalkin’ bug whisperer who enrolls in a girls’ boardin’ school that’s shaken up by recent murders in the area. Wantin’ to use her mutant bug powers for good, Jennifer teams up with a crippled Donald Pleasance and his mad monkey to bring the serial killer to justice. Lot of good ideas in this flick, but I don’t think they entirely gel together just right. There’s unnecessary mentions of Jennifer havin’ a split personality I don’t think pay off, I’m not sure just how much she understands her power before Donald coaches her like a Professor X knock-off, and the killer’s motivation with their whole monster young’n thing is lost on me. I also think the rock tracks are dropped in too abruptly and at the wrong times like when an ambulance seems to be blastin’ Motorhead while loadin’ a patient. Chained monsters, icky pits of decay, mad monkey hitchhikers, swarms of flies, flesh eatin’ buggies, knifes on sticks, glass shatterin’ deaths, bullies, insect cock teases, near fatal freefalls, impalements, stabbin’s, vengeful monkeys, explosions on the water, random holes in the floor, killer mamas, monster young’ns, and underwater scares! 3/5! 

zcreepsTHE CREEPS (1997)

A socially awkward scientist accidentally brings literature’s greatest monsters to life as midgets, and they have to hunt down a librarian to sacrifice for magical growth spurts. It’s a ridiculous idea for a movie, but it’s fun and an easy watch to kick back to. Video store detectives, book fetishes, midget werewolves, midget vampires, midget mummies, midget Frankensteins, portals, virgin sacrifice rituals, mad science, midget piles, book theft, boobs, Viking ladies, valid reasons for gettin’ topless, and drool all over the camera! 3/5!

ycrookTHE CROOKED MAN (2016)

So, some teeny boppers visit a website that plays the Crooked Man song, never stopping to think it could be a cursed tune that summons a pasty face gif glitching ghost who likes breaking bones. After wrongly serving time in juvy for her friend’s murder, one of the girls stirs the curse up again as she seeks retribution in the Crooked Man’s crooked demise. An overall good story and cast of characters, I think this movie’s only fault was its boogey man. His kills were fine, but he wasn’t memorable, needed to do a lot creepier crooked shit, needs to be more physically crooked as opposed to looking like a spazing digital image, and his rules didn’t make any sense. Stabbings, fatal freefalls, broken necks, crooked cats and mice, crooked houses, PEZ dispenser wrists, power solos, and Michael Jai White as the magical negro! 3/5!

zcryCRY BABY LANE (2000)

Declared too scary for Nickelodeon after gutless parents supported their youngn’s bein’ wimps, this TV movie is about two brothers accidentally yankin’ an evil twin’s weed from his final restin’ place, settin’ his dark soul free to inflict an asshole epidemic over the town. With help from live action Skeletor (Frank Langella), the brothers race to find the nice twin’s grave and yank his weed in the hopes his good vibes will return everyone to normal. Good music, fine actin’, and a solid script, I don’t know what all the hoo-flaw was about this thing bein’ too dark for young’ns. No deaths, no blood, no open wounds, no cursin’, no sex or boobs . . . this taken off the air stuff’s gotta be made up for marketin’, you know? Cemetery pranks, bull shit, toro toros, police car chases, off road demolition derbies with a hearse, possessions, mad dogs, dimwit assistants, young’ns yanked underground, worm food, spooky whispers, Lord of the Rings nods, ghost stories, and racin’ bikes against trains! 4/5! 

zhellionCUBBYHOUSE aka HELLION: THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND (2001)

A newly divorced mom drags her American youngn’s down under to Australia and moves them all into a home with a haunted cubbyhouse outback that’s thirsty for children’s souls. Not a bad film, overall. The characters are decent enough, you get an unlikely hero you don’t see coming, the green screen portals to hell and flying CGI debris looks good, and the young’s ain’t too annoying as they become some demon’s evil tikes. Deadly vegetation, cockroach showers, indestructible cubbyhouses, possessed make-out sessions, possessed computers, young’n sacrifices, great nuthouse escapes, teen detectives, sewer squeeze deaths, apparitions with chainsaws, impalements, guess who exorcisms, possessed youngn’s, and bi-polar moms! 3/5!

THE CULLING (2015)

A van full of young folk going to a concert find a lost little girl in a bumfuck town and drive her back home instead of dropping her off at the police station. Regrets are instantly had as the gang meets the girl’s devil dealing parents who’re raising a barn of evil children that have something to do with a shadow demon whose possession gives you a mild case of Parkinson’s. This is one of those flicks that felt like it had enough to offer but didn’t really capitalize on its boogies enough. Make the possessed people do some crazy shit, unleash the evil children on someone already, and either the screenwriter or the casting director needs a punch in the face, because the conversations among the characters just felt a little forced with no chemistry. 3/5!

ycobraCULT OF THE COBRA (1955)

Some U.S. Air Force boys are snuck into seeing a ceremony overseas where snakes are turned into a women, but couldn’t listen when they said no flash photography! Cursed for trespassing on the cult’s favorite pastime, the men race back to the states and are taken out one by one by the same deadly snake woman they were so eager to see. There is a weird snake woman seen in a very memorable dog and pony act at the beginning of the film, but sadly the rest of the time it’s simply the actress and a rubber stunt cobra trading places when killing the men. Bummer. Sweet car crashes, love hungry cobras, Bachelorette decisions, and we learn a snake’s greatest weakness is an open window. 3/5!

zcurveCURVE (2015)

Ever wanted to watch a scary movie about a hot girl stuck upside down in a vehicle she flipped on a mountain road? What could be worse, right? How about watching the hot girl have to hang there for nearly the whole movie, eat dirty rats, and drink her own piss while being threatened by a barely present villain taunting her the whole time? This is a well shot film with respectable acitng, but you have to sit through a lot of bullshit and golden showers for what I consider a weak payoff.   2/5!

CUTTING ROOM! (2005)

A no budget director snaps when her artistic vision for an independent horror film is at risk for a soulless Hollywood makeover and slaughters her cast and crew. A humorous Z-grade flick that goes back and forth from lookin’ home made to a step above that, its story’s interestin’ enough, and the kills are cool, but things like editin’, lightin’, and sound quality are too distractin’ to be forgivable. Topless women masturbatin’ to Oscar fantasies, Trent Haaga folds in half and gets mowed over, stabbin’s, impalements, lucky dweebs between the sheets, close encounters with lesbos, and Lloyd Kaufman plays his greatest enemy. 2/5!  

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