B – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES (2003)

A couple of lesbos have a spat after softcore scissorin’, leavin’ one of them wide open for a goth chick with fangs to swoop in and induct her into a BDSM coven of bloodsuckers. Luckily, the lesbos have a vampire huntin’ spoof named Muffy ready to save them from a 50 Shades of Gray life with plastic fangs, but will she be enough? This is more or less an incoherent Z-grade skin flick that admits to its Ed Wood aspirations but is decently shot and manages to deliver a complete story that makes sense . . . most the time. However, the actin’s shit, the girls are awkward, and all the lezzie/BDSM scenes will have you reelin’ like a fanger in sunlight. The most bafflin’ part is this flick’s creator, Mr. Creepo,  lookin’ for his Uncle Ed Wood in a graveyard for help completin’ this disaster of a trash film. It’s confusin’ if it’s part of the storyline, but genius if it’s him servin’ as the movie’s horror host narrator which needs to be presented more clearly. Lezzies showerin’ with blood, vamp parties, hide and seek in a graveyard, peeping tom fangers, B-roll of curious extras, women in cages, floggin’, goth chicks galore, graveyard nappin’, vampire party fliers, and lessons in how vamps get dates! 2/5! 

THE BARN (2016)

It’s 1989, and a small town gang of Halloween lovin’ teens accidentally call forth three demons from a cursed barn where the devil waits to feast on harvested flesh. I’m here to tell ya the horror community’s hype over this movie is legit! Its nostalgic filmmakers successfully produce a true tribute to scary VHS flicks from the ’80s, givin’ us well cast characters, a fully developed script, a touch of boobs, a rockin’ soundtrack, and three sequel worthy villains (The Boogeyman, Hollow Jack, and the Candy Corn Scarecrow) bringin’ the gore! Well . . . a modest amount of gore that leaves me wishin’ they went more nuts, but better than none at all. Only real complaint I have is the film’s spastic editin’ and inconsistent camerawork of pans and claustrophobic close-ups that’s a toss up between an exercise in bad movie parody or signs of amateur filmmakin’. Head crushin’, eye gougin’, concert massacres, decapitations, stabbin’s, disembowelin’, ghost stories, slashed young’ns, jack-o-lantern security systems, boob doubles, skatin’ rinks, trick or church food drives, livin’ vines, severed arms, demons, cults, tunnels to hell, Satan, bloody remains, demonic hit and runs, gardeners from hell, campfire stories, 3D drive-ins, hollowed out teens, and super brief cameos by Linnea Quigley and Ari “First Jason” Lehman! 4/5!

DVDBASKINBASKIN (2015)

Animal fucking policemen in Turkey fall into kind of an Inception headtrip after an auto accident and journey through a nightmare of hellish freaks waiting to induct them into their madness. Beautifully shot film but there’s barely anyone to like much less root for, and it’s one of those head scratching kind of backward ass stories you’ve got to be quick to keep up with and piece together yourself. Police brutality, eye gouging, real life Big Ass Baby man, disembowelment, instant births, critter roleplay hazing, neck keys, throat slitting, head bashing, and hit and runs. 2/5!

zbatesBATES MOTEL (1987)

This 5th and final lesser known installment to the Psycho series ends a successful run of horror movies like a Scooby-Doo/Hallmark Mystery crossover. In this made for TV flopluster, Norman Bates kicks the bucket and leaves his infamous motel to a rubber room buddy of his from the nuthouse. Finding his purpose in life, the awkward loon braves ghosts from Norman’s dark past as he struggles to re-open the motel in his friend’s memory. Squatters with no benefits, ill-fitting music scores, giant chickens, 0 deaths, the ghost of Jason Bateman hooking up with a milf, skeletons, Scooby unmaskings, and a side story with a motel guest that has NOTHING to do with the rest of the movie, suggesting this was trying to make Bates Motel into the next Twilight Zone! 3/5!

BEACH BABES FROM BEYOND (1993)

Three space alien hotties are shipwrecked on a California beach and enter a bikini contest to help their new boyfriends save Uncle Joe Esteves’ bachelor pad. With storytellin’ and beach bunnies at their barest, this erotically tanned Full Moon flick with every famous person’s relative is a perfect example of no story gettin’ in the way of a plot. Only gripe I got watchin’ this flick is its beach party scenes runnin’ waaay longer than they should with the same mind numbin’ tune on an endless loop! Spaceships, boobs, bikini contests, tannin’, volley ball, sunny beaches, fantasy sex scenes, boobs in the shower, alien hook-ups, Linnea Quigley perfectly plays the villainous, and this flick’s star power includes Patrick Swayze’s brother, John Travolta’s brother, Sylvester Stallone’s mom, Charlie Sheen’s uncle, Adam West’s boy wonder! 3/5!

zbeastTHE BEAST WITHIN (1982)

This has to be one of the most convoluted plots for a revenge story I’ve ever watched, but here it goes: After a hick is caught in bed with another man’s wife, the furious husband chains the hick in a cellar and feeds him corpses ’til he escapes, rapes a woman, and exacts revenge on his tormenters 17 years later as an angry spirit reborn through his illegitimate son as a cicada monster. The plot’s interesting, the monster’s mean, and the effects are unforgettable (for one reason or another), but damn if anyone can follow the whole resurrection backstory their first viewing! Rebellious teens, domestic daddies, black magic, possessions, monster transformations, monster rapes, hickville cover-ups, monster bones, haunted cellars, swamps of death, assaults on police stations, instant baldies, and cock block dogs with body parts for chew toys! 4/5! 

THE BEING (1983)

A small town debates its pollution problem while a one-eye burrowin’ puddle mutant tears through people like a bad case of the runs that bite! This is a fun monster flick full of humorous stiff actin’, gore-tastic kills, and one crazy lookin’ monster potato folk battle to the bitter end. Most notable for bein’ the first horror flick by Blood Diner director, Jackie Kong. Monsters oozin’ through dashboards, drive-in massacres, warehouse monster brawls, freezer traps, nutty dream sequences with Wizard of Oz nods, races against trains, mutants’ rattled mothers, decapitations, claws burtsin’ through chests, turd monsters attackin’ boobs on the silver screen, ass first into monster boogers, and guys ripped to shreds! 4/5!

BELKO EXPERIMENT (2016)

It’s Office Space meets Battle Royale as employees of a government building in South America are trapped and ordered to kill each other or have their heads blown up via remote. The gore’s good, unexpected characters are left standin’ by the end, the segregation of survivors vs victims is believable, and the best character is the conflicted boss man played by Tony Goldwyn. I feel the flick’s pacin’ and stakes were surprisingly uneventful, however, which undermines the escalation of any tension. Not to mention I was constantly distracted by this unclear office romance between the hero and this one fussy chick that ultimately left me indifferent about their ambiguous relationship. Brain bombs, freezer hideouts, co-workers caught in the elevator, organized executions, stabbin’s, head bashin’, impalements, pep rally rescue signs, snipers, Big Brother cameras, secret experiments, lucky break endin’s, gunshots to the head, super metal structures, corncob people, pervy coworkers, Spanish tunes, Slither reunions, and Michael Rooker goes out early with the best death! 3/5! 

ybersBERSERKER (1987)

Fun lovin’ teens are enjoyin’ their wilderness vacation, but as soon as one of them has to take a piss in the woods, they’re lost in an unnatural fog with a reincarnated man-bear Viking wiping strawberry jam all over their faces. A pretty descent movie with laughable characters and soundtrack, this doesn’t start to suck ass until we get to the slasher part of the movie when its more about aimless wandering and slightly confusing monster scenes. Big ass Ford truckin’, 4 wheel’n, underwear swimmin’, old farts arguing who’s memory is better, bangin’ in the moonlight, homoerotic moments, bear cheerleaders, rescue bears, airborne radios, blinding lights in the middle of nowhere, angry drunks, men wrestling live bears, and Buck Flower plays something other than a bum and has an ab double! 3/5!

zgatesBEYOND THE GATES (2016)

Two Supernatural inspired brothers play a cursed board game on their VCR to save their father’s drunken VHS lovin’ soul from Barbara Crampton. Not as scary as Jumanji, I couldn’t help but feel shortchanged by this promising film, because I was simply expecting more. The VHS nostalgia’s great, the brothers are well written, the idea is phenomenal, but it’s an overall slow burn that lacks momentum, tension, climax, and a lot of monster mayhem I thought I was in for. The brothers stumble through most the game without understanding the stakes and things don’t start gettin’ real ’til the last 15-20 minutes. This is still a well made film worth checking out, just not what I expected. VHS stores, zombie/ghost killers, monster arms, supernatural passageways, voodoo dolls, yanked guts, exploding heads, Chevy Novas, possessions, key scavenger hunts, cursed antique stores, and stabbings! 3/5!

zbirdBIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR (2008)

One of the worst movies that’s ever gained popularity for how bad it is, this horribly shot/acted/edited/written mess follows a blooming romance between a mouth breathing dimwit and a hot blonde who can act as a world epidemic of clip-art CG birds go full retard Hitchcock and cause chaos that’ll either make you laugh ’til your sides hurt or find happiness in a warm gun in your mouth. Not even Mystery Science Theater commentary can save this shit. 1/5! 

zchrisBLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

After years locked in an asylum for eating his parents, Billy escapes for Christmas and heads back home with his inbred sister/daughter to violently evict a sorority of babes that’s moved in. If you hated how Billy was never explained in the original Black Christmas, then you’ll love how this remake gives him an entire origin story worthy of a Batman villain from his sickly yellow skin to his knack for climbing in walls like a squirrel. Hot babes, candy cane weapons, jerky cookies, plastic bag asphyxiations, heads impaled, asylum escapes, abusive mothers, incest rapes, eye gouging, Flowers in the Attic nods, obscene phone calls, gardening tool weapons, decapitations, deadly icicles, scalped heads, eyeball snacks, glass unicorns, driller killers,  defibrillator defenses, gory tree toppers, crawlspace ambushes, and broken necks! 4/5! 

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER (2015)

A teenage girl allows herself to be possessed by a demon and decapitates everyone stuck at her boardin’ school over a holiday break. If that sounds too simple, the dickhead filmmakers go all Tarantino on the storyline and pepper in scenes of the same girl slashin’ her way back to the school 9 years later, hopin’ that same demon still wants to be besties. This film’s a burden to sit through, because its story structure is so fucked up. It leaves me with way more questions than answers, and most of them regardin’ the filmmakers’ understandin’ for how to tell a story. There’s confusion over which character’s story this is, the killer’s motivation is flat, the climax is non-existent . . . it’s like someone accidentally filmed their first thumbnail draft of the script instead of their final, realized they fucked up after it was too late, then tried pullin’ some editin’ bullshit to save it. Who’s the blackcoat? Where’s the killer’s parents? Was the killer already into Satan and demons? Why wouldn’t the dead girl’s parents recognize their daughter’s killer no matter how long it’s been? What’s with the killer’s dream in the beginnin’? Is the killer that upset because of her absent parents or is she a social outcast with her classmates too? What exactly pushes her to be possessed? AAAAAHHRRGGG!!!! 2/5! 

BLACKOUT (1985)

After a horrible accident on the road, 2 men are pulled from the wreckage with one cooked to death and the other disfigured beyond recognition. The survivor claims to have amnesia, and it’s a 50/50 chance he’s a killer real estate agent who murdered his whole family. Only one persistent cop expects the worst and is ever vigilante for the deadly truth to come out as the man starts a new life with a new face and family. Not an bad film by any means. Even when you know the mystery man with the new face is the killer the whole time, the filmmakers do trip you up every now and again to doubt yourself and ultimately break the tension down to whether or not the guy’s foolin’ everybody with a phony act or if he really does have amnesia and his killer instinct is slowly breakin’ through. Sucker nurses, tough retired cops, unnervin’ phone calls, assaulted women, corpse families on display, bondage masks, eye-poppin’ make-ups effects, spank bank photo murals, accidental boom mikes left and right, and you know he’s the killer if “mask on, pants off!” 3/5!  

zblaculaBLACULA (1972)

Interior decorators purchase a coffin and accidentally release one of Dracula’s cursed prisoners, an African prince turned fangface named Blacula. On the loose in Los Angeles, he plagues the police with a growing legion of the undead while seducing a honey that bears a striking resemblance to his deceased wife. I didn’t expect much from this Blaxploitation flick, but I dare say it’s better than Lugosi and Lee’s vamp films! You truly feel for Blacula as this tragic character who’s just as much a victim as he is a bad guy, and most of that’s gotta do with how amazing the chemistry is between him and his long lost love he strives to reconnect with. Vamp graves, castle fist fights, vamp brides, jazz clubs, mustache kisses, bride of Frankenstein ‘fros, dig its, bat transformations, Donkey Kong strategies, solids, staking with shovels, deaths by daylight, warehouses of the undead, and one of the scariest women to ever run at the camera! 4/5!

zblacSCREAM BLACULA SCREAM (1973)

Blacula’s ashes are used in a dark ritual that regenerates our favorite Blaxploitation vampire, and he wants Pam Grier’s voodoo tricks for riddin’ him of his bloodthirsty curse. Just as good as the first film, Blacula continues to dominate the screen with his presence, makin’ us afraid of his stoic power while empathizin’ his tragic circumstance at the same time. Blacula voodoo dolls, blood suckin’, party crashers, pimps, vampire nests vs cops, crossbows, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

zbladeBLADES (1989)

When members of a prestigious country club are found mutilated on the golf course, a couple of pro golfers regret catchin’ the culprit who turns out to be an industrial size killer mower! Watchin’ this film, you don’t have to be a genius to see it’s clearly a beat for beat parody of Jaws, down to their own Quint spoof bein’ chopped to bits while huntin’ the mechanical bastard from his cruddy ol’ van. Could have been a funny tribute to a revered piece of Spielberg history, but it took itself too seriously, makin’ it a well made movie with very little fun to offer. Caddies mowed, golfers mowed, teenage lovers mowed, killer mower vision, Jaws mayor types, explosions, wrecked vehicles, legs cut off, piles of human remains, no dead dogs or boobs! 3/5! 

y06BLAIR WITCH (2016)

If you saw the first Blair Witch, you saw this near copycat sequel. The brother of the missing girl from the original film goes looking for his sister years later in the same woods she disappeared in and is joined by friends and locals acting as guides. Before long, they fall into a very familiar routine where they get lost, chased by an unseen force spooking them with sticks and stones, and eventually find a dilapidated house for the finale. Sure, it’s got more people, cameras, a critter effect with no impact, and split second peeks at the witch, but I was insulted how close this was to the original and felt like a sucker for watching it. It ultimately didn’t do enough to expand beyond the original or add to the lore. If I had my way, the brother would find the sister surviving like a rat in the walls at the house the witch seems to have in some time bubble, providing a lot of brother/sister trust drama with the sis telling us everything she’s learned about the witch. We would make a creepy army of child minions under the witch’s command, and not make the witch some Pumpkinhead lookin’ creature that sounds like Bigfoot moving around. Only good parts worth mentioning is a tight tunnel crawlin’ scene sure to make your breathing shorter, and one girl’s unexpected death when someone breaks one of them twig decorations. 2/5!

BLEED (2016)

A prego and her hubby move into the boonies and entertain their house warmin’ guests with a hike to a burned down prison nearby that’s far from abandoned with killer yokels and butterfly ghosts. This flick is beautifully shot and well acted, but its script unfortunately leaves it a forgettable unresolved mess with indecisive point of views and weak links between the victims and the prison’s history. Fatal freefalls, spooky butterflies, symbolic birthmarks, free loadin’ brothers, ghost hunts, hikin’ in circles, decapitated heads galore, schizo Asians, severed hands, dark prego rituals, throat slittin’, kidnappin’, baby stealin’, skinned wall art, bodily décor, Rob Zombie lookin’ ghosts, disfigured hicks, and head to toe fires! 3/5!

ybloodBLOOD BEACH (1980)

A California beach in front of a harbor patrol man’s home becomes a feeding ground for a sand burrowing creature no one can find, and it’s up to him, John Saxon, and Burt Young to crack the underground Jaws case 10 years before Tremors does it better. The characters and their run-ins with the off camera creature are great, but there just isn’t enough of the monster itself by the end. What’s more baffling is I swear the filmmakers switched between 2 different monster designs which made things a little confusing! Everything’s compared to Chicago, bag ladies dance, dog’s heads are bitten off, loving hot blondes are dumped for average ex-girlfriends, legs are covered in red paint and declared mutilated, dicks are bitten off, deafening duets are sung, best defense is an explosive ambush, and Saxon says it best, “Real men don’t believe in monsters.” 4/4!

zbloBLOOD BEAT (1983)

When visiting her boyfriend’s family for the holidays, the last thing Cathy expects is to be possessed by a Samurai spirit determined to ruin Christmas. I don’t know where to begin with this mess. The pacing is terrible, the build-up is a little confusing, you have to think too much about the reveal, and lots of awkward acting in a Christmas movie with barely ANY Christmas in it! The filmmakers should have just made this a Thanksgiving horror given its big hunting theme. Sex equals slasher Samurai spirits, mother daughter psych-offs, brother sister psychic fronts, fatties through windows, impalements, overambitious effects, botched deer hunts, axes vs spirits, creepy paintings, airborne housewares, and pyrokinetics! 2/5!

zbloodBLOOD DOLLS (1999)

When some rich cats engineer a wealthy freak’s financial ruin, he strikes back with a trio of victims turned loyal killer dolls. While the dolls are the headline, the real star of this flick is their master, Virgil Travis. Ruthless, eccentric, brilliant . . . he’s one of the best and most original villains I’ve ever seen in a film! Girl rock bands in electrified cages, fatal furniture, clown hitmen, doll transformations, pinheads, BDSM, flamethrowers, head smashing, pissers, clowns incognito, boobs in cages, Wayne’s World endings, evil dwarfs, swords in eyes, stabbings, and monster weddings! 4/5!

y07BLOOD FEAST (1963)

After attending a class on ancient Egyptian history, a caterer decides to slaughter beautiful women for preparing a ritual feast of cannibal delights at a girl’s birthday party in hopes of resurrecting the goddess Ishtar. This film’s special effects are pretty primitive, resembling buckets of hot red paint and wet rags slopped together, but still earns serious kudos for being one of the original video nasties of the gore sub-genre. Okay acting, pretty ladies, bodily mutilations, and the story’s pretty decent but could have had more of a payoff at the end. Rub-a-dub deaths, severed legs, mutilated faces, harvested organs, ’60s Batman looking sets, machete maniacs, head chopping, tongue ripping, ritual sacrifices, Egyptian statue worshiping, and actors reading their lines right off their hands! 3/5!

y08BLOOD FEAST 2: ALL U CAN EAT (2002)

Almost 40 years later, and director Herschell Gordon Lewis gives us the same gore-met movie disguised as a sequel. No kidding. The killer caterer’s grandson inherits the family business and starts prepping the same cannibalistic Egyptian meal after locking eyes with the Ishtar statue grandpappy worshipped. He follows in his grandpappy’s footsteps so closely, it’s practically the same story as the original Blood Feast but with lots of intentional humor thrown in. Not different enough for anyone to have wasted time making, and I’d highly recommend the far superior Blood Diner (1987) which considers itself an unofficial sequel to Blood Feast. Dead body gags, failed murders, specially whipped crème brulee toppings, finger foods, blood dripping treats, corkscrewed heads, lesbo intentions, face stuffing pigs in Hawaiian shirts, bitch mother-in-laws, John Waters as a dirty priest, what must be invisible corpses and body parts, floating eyeballs, and still no appearance by Ishtar! 2/5!

BLOOD HOOK (1986)

Whenever a fisherman with a plate in his head hears obnoxious music and cicadas at the same time, he becomes one of the most absurd horror splashers ever captured on celluloid! And that ain’t good news for an out of town gang of friends tryin’ to enjoy a lake community’s annual Muskie Madness, never suspectin’ they’d be the biggest catch of the day. This Troma released flick is a tolerance testin’ slowburn for the most part but is a decent by-the-numbers slasher flick with laughable moments as each yahoo is hooked and unbelievably reeled in for a fatal clubbin’. Could have been waaay better if it had more energy behind the editin’, and if the hero didn’t chicken out his first round with the killer which throws the story’s momentum all out of whack. Hooks in the mouth, most responsible mothers ever, tug-o-reels, cheatin’ fishermen, ungrateful RV families, chicks who can’t take any form of a compliment, fun bucket lifts, dead grandpas, bodies hooked through the mouth, bloated corpses stored under docks, free stud finders, bodies turned bait with meat grinders, affairs, crazy lawn squatters, buildin’s that look like fish, hooked dicks, useless authorities, and tragic backstories! 3/5!

BLOOD LEGEND (2006)

College witches prepare the way for resurrectin’ a vengeful witch who made a pact with a demon long ago and needs to live on a steady diet of blood for a week to make her return permanent. While the effects are hokey as hell and the sound quality ain’t the best, this Z-grade flick ain’t the worst thing you’ll ever watch and is pretty entertainin’ with monsters, boobs, good enough actin’, pretty girls, and a high body count. Witch tits, demonic monster suits, backyard virgin sacrifices, death durin’ sex, stake burnin’, some of the worst screamin’ EVER committed to celluloid, ruined pool parties, Goth posers, resurrections, heart rippin’, hunters bein’ hunted, and decapitations! 3/5! 

BLOOD RAGE (1987)

A psycho young’n sets his twin brother up for a drive-in massacre and has him taken away to the loony bin. Years later, the good brother escapes his rubber room to prove his innocence, givin’ his slasher twin an excuse to fall back into murderous habits slashin’ his college buddies on Thanksgivin’. This is one of those good with the bad sorta slasher flicks. You’ve got an okay story with some tolerable characters and surprisingly impressive gore, but the pace drags every so often with very little tension, and the scenes with the twins’ crazed mama are fuckin’ ridiculous. Only thing Thanksgivin’ about this is a blink of a turkey dinner and a drunk-spread eagle mama sloppin’ up leftovers in front of the fridge. Severed hands, Pollock bloodspray, slashed bangin’ on a divin’ board, Halloween make-up gags, folks cut in half, airborne pies, decapitated décor, killer peepin’ tom young’ns, hatchets to the face, manic calls with the operator, splittin’ headaches, machete deaths, carvin’ forks to the neck, and babies in jeopardy! 3/5! 

YBLOODSONGBLOOD SONG (1982)

A psycho killer who can’t stop playing the first verse of “Lullaby and Goodnight” on his wind instrument stalks a teenage girl who witnesses one of his murders in person and the rest of his kills through visions she has thanks to a blood transfusion they unknowingly shared months before his escape from the asylum. The killer hysterically drives everyone crazy with his obnoxious music, but ultimately tries too hard to creep you out as the slasher after the last girl you genuinely sympathize for. Vehicular visions, angry fathers, demolition forklifts, bed to wed to dead, axes to the face, eyeball transitions, babes in bags, and bad endings for good people! 3/5!

YBLOODTRACKSBLOOD TRACKS (1985)

An ’80s hair band rocks their way to the snow capped mountains to shoot their next music video, but a family of killer hobos pull the plug on their act when they invade their abandoned factory home for some radical scenery. Basically The Hills Have Eyes in an avalanche, this film has zero character and dick to do with the band which is supposed to be the selling point of the movie, favoring their film crew who have zip personality for making the movie more interesting. No one to care about, and only 1 real rock song that isn’t all that good much less memorable. Airborne bimbos, naked nymphos trapped in the snow, a man you’ll keep mistaking for a chick, hobo booby-traps, arms blown off with shotguns, quickly edited gore, and impalements. 2/5!

zcovTHE BLOODY VIDEO HORROR THAT MADE ME PUKE ON MY AUNT GERTRUDE (1989)

A snuff filmmaker accidentally returns his rental camera to the video store with one of his disasterpieces still in it, and must cover his tracks before he’s busted by clueless clerks and dime store cops. A truly valid effort, this film has a concept that hooks us and shows signs of creativity and skill with the editing and camerawork but suffers from finesse and lack of mula. Chop saki-like action, prolonged cries of anguish, fun with zooms, naked she-Bowies, saddest police line ever committed to celluloid, undercover clown cops, puking bums, bodily dismemberments, Troma inspired blood spews, porno movie parties, a twist ending you never saw coming, and no sign of Aunt Gertrude! 2/5!

BLUE MONKEY (1987)

The misleadin’ title is only a hint to the confusin’ mess this flick is, ’cause there ain’t no monkeys of any color to be found! A man pricks himself on an exotic plant and is rush to the hospital where a turd lookin’ critter crawls out his mouth and is captured for study. Thanks to an unsupervised gang of little sickos roamin’ everywhere they shouldn’t, the critter is playfully exposed to growth hormones and blows up to killer bug size. Already respondin’ to other cases of turds jumpin’ out people’s faces, the government is quick to quarantine the hospital and leave everyone inside to fend for themselves against a giant bug roundin’ them up for its offsprings’ first meal. It’s hard to pick a startin’ point for reviewin’ this monster pic. It’s got cool monster effects, over the top hospital sets, and fairly entertainin’ characters, but the bug side of things is too bizarre with its two part origin. Either keep it a mysterious creature that poops out folks’ faces and metamorphosis into a monster or make it a regular critter dumbass young’ns accidentally blow up with experimental chemicals. Youngn’s in the ventilation systems, greenhouse dates, drunken seniors, white turd oozin’ creatures, lasers, turd dissections, HRE (humans ready to eat), bug-o-vision, gunfire turnin’ folks into Swiss cheese, bugdemics, head rippin’, explosions, and bug experts! 2/5!

zbodBODY BAGS (1993)

John Carpenter plays a ghoulish host residing in a morgue where every stiff is a macabre tale from psycho gas clerks to alien hair and evil body part transplants. The best part of this obscure 3 part anthology flick is Carpenter himself, hysterically hamming it up in front of the camera in a way I didn’t know he was capable of! The stories themselves, however, are a little lackluster and need more twists or better punchlines to elevate them to what we expect from such a collaboration of horror talents. Boobs caught in morgue drawers, Buck Flowers typecast as a hobo, nerds crushed under cars, Wes Craven’s a creep, American werewolves saving the day, alien strands eating brains, Sam Raimi playing dead, infomercial takeovers, eye gouging, and Tobe Hooper directs Luke Skywalker to disfigure his own face! 3/5!

zbooBOO! A MADEA HALLOWEEN (2016)

Finally popped my Madea movie cherry, because I thought this Halloween romp would be in the same vein as other horror comedies like Ernest Scared Stupid, but boooy, was I wrong! Tyler Perry calls on his split personalities to help keep his underage daughter from goin’ to a frat’s Halloween party, but the teeny bopper still manages to sneak by the senior brigade and sets Madea on the warpath, resultin’ in a spooky prank war with college yahoos. The movie is funny for the most part, but it feels like a flimsy script filled with a lot of improv that’s rushed for a quick buck. There isn’t enough of a Halloween atmosphere, some scenes run too damn long, a moral is kind of thrown in toward the end for a blip of emotional impact, and the story arc is wonky all around with non-existent stakes. Really wish more time was spent developin’ this story and put Madea up against an actual ghost or demonic possession or anything supernatural! 2/5!

yboogTHE BOOGENS (1981)

A historic mine is re-opened, and underdwelling monsters with fangs and tentacles are released to snack on people in their basements. This movie does a great job developing the characters and getting us to care whether or not they die, but really downplayed the whole monster storyline to where they’re almost a subplot. Dynamite explosions, geezer guardians, braking for animals, peek-a-boo ass cheeks, very little blood, rubber puppet critters, and the most amazing poodle who gets our vote for the greatest canine actor to ever emote on celluloid! 3/5!

zboyTHE BOY (2016)

An all new evil doll movie with a M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist ending that’ll have you rethinking its categorization in horror sub-genres. Keep an open mind, be prepared to connect a lot of imaginary dots or have the plot blow up in your face, and Lauren Cohan ain’t dropping the towel in this PG-13 masterpiece.  4/5!

 

BURNT OFFERINGS (1976)

An unsuspectin’ family rents a swank house in the country for summer vacation but find themselves balls deep in an Amityville-type situation with the supernatural pad remodelin’ itself from their pain and sufferin’. While the film gives us a convincin’ enough family facin’ a decent premise about a parasitic home, the pace and editin’ was what ultimately hurt the film. The summer long timeframe feels too compact, the house itself needs to be pushed a lot more with sounds, movements, and maybe even a little exposition, there’s an evil hearse driver just stuck in there for no reason with WTF transitions, and I swear the movie ends 3 times because of the erratic escalation of the house twistin’ the parents’ behaviors. Best parts are Burgess Meredith as one of the landlords rentin’ the hungry house, and poor little Davey’s constant brushes with death throughout the flick. Fatal freefalls through windows, father-son drownin’ lessons, possessions, old bats in the attic, faces smashed through windshields, boys screamin’ like little girls, supernatural gardenin’ tips, boys crushed under chimneys, houses sheddin’ old skins, grandmas kickin’ buckets, and pointless evil hearse drivers shovin’ coffins at the camera. 3/5!

z07THE BYE BYE MAN (2017)

Don’t think it, don’t say it, don’t Google it! A tight gang of college students move into a fixer upper only a squatter can love and accidentally uncover a name that invokes a reaper-like fella to fuck with their heads ’til his skinned panther can chow on their faces. The actin’s not the best, the feature villain has a hackneyed look, and characters do a lot of questionable things, but there are some effective jump scares, speechless what the fuck moments, and a good enough premise to build a franchise on. Séances, hair maggots, love triangle tricks, shotgun massacres, hit and runs, stabbin’s, noisy clawin’, baseball bats to the head, pipe cleaner cocktails, one of the worst brothers ever, loose change, suicides, and cameos by Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway! 4/5! 

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