A – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

z08ABBATOIR (2016)

An elderly man relocates murder victims’ ghosts and their entire crime scene, walls and all, to a remote town where he hodge podges them all together into the world’s most haunted house. Only a period-confused reporter, whose sister’s family has been added to the house, dares to investigate the paranormal oddity for truth, justice, and the Pulitzer way. This is an amazin’ idea with a creepy concept, but fails in its execution in so many ways. The unbalanced mixture of the film’s antiques, technology, wardrobe, and even acting from different time periods distracted me half the time, confusin’ me as to what year this story takes place. And worst, when the reporter finally enters the house in the movie’s final moments, there’s zero threat or tension, because all the ghosts are harmless whisps of billowin’ spook smoke that never pay her any mind. Faces blown out, bloody elevators, home snuff films, spectral reenactments, classic cars, film noir talk, boogey men bargains, hellish crack houses, supernatural portals, throats slit, shots in the back, offerin’s in a bottle, and real estate horrors. 3/5!

zabTHE ABOMINATION (1986)

A farm boy’s mind is enslaved by a living tumor his mama hacks up and is forced to feed its flesh hungry offspring everyone he knows. It’s not a bad idea for a story by any means, and has all the right characters in place, but this gorefest flops hard thanks to questionable directing and poor editing that can do without all the recycled shots that makes me feel like I’m seeing the same movie 3 times! Pitchforks to the gut, monsters in the washer, machetes to the head, monsters under the bed, chainsawed heads, monsters in the kitchen cabinets, hands bitten off, death on the toilet, dead cats in the john, highway beer swappin’, monsters in the shitter, grisly skeletons, throats slit open, belly beasts, farting televangelists, bed tumors, TV miracles, gut stew in a bucket, Bible nods, and killer shades! 2/5!

zalchTHE ALCHEMIST (1983)

A waitress and her frustrated hitchhiker are accidentally drawn into an immortal’s beastly curse deep within the woods and find themselves fightin’ and runnin’ from deluded lovers, interdimensional demons, and the lustin’ alchemist responsible for the whole mess. An interestin’ concept with leads exhibitin’ good chemistry, I would just like to see more monster action (especially with the cursed man) and the relationship between the waitress and the immortal developed further. Stabbin’s, impalements, black out drivin’, demons on the hunt, men cut in half, off screen transformations, fatal rapid agin’, interdimensional travels, and graveyard romances! 3/5! 

yhouseALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (2016)

Santa’s coming to town, and he’s whacking off dicks and mutilating boobs with garden shears! When a young woman comes back to her hometown, little does she know she’ll be getting caught up in her mannequin humpin’ neighbor’s fucked up family drama as her loony bin fugitive for a son hacks people up so his mom can help replace his dick she originally snipped off. This flick’s shot on the cheap, but has slightly above average acting, plenty of creepy WTF ideas, and does a great job keeping the scenes filled with the Christmas spirit. Everything seems random and non-sense at first, but if you stick it out to the end, it all comes together. Sex mannequins, girls in cages, spanking dicks, severed dicks, cats on dicks, bag of dicks, unexpected alliances, death through doors, back stabbings, and pelted Santas! 3/5!

THE AMBULANCE (1990)

Eric Roberts falls in love with a random chick on the street and risks life, limb, and workin’ at Marvel with Stan Lee to find out where a bogus ambulance kidnaps her for underground diabetes tests. A slick movie packed with dynamic lightin’, kinetic editin’, and subtle slapstick, this flick keeps up an impressive momentum that Eric’s quirky but likeable actin’ only enhances. I appreciate how the story avoids the expected scenario with Eric as the victim escapin’ a bogus hospital and switches things up with him solvin’ the mystery on the run, makin’ this a chase flick with substance. Only problem I have with this whole thing is Eric’s hair, zero kills related to his quest for gettin’ laid, and the whole diabetes plot fallin’ a little flat. Bad milk, junkyard gang violence, club chaos, bogus cops and docs, Archie comic nods, Stan Lee cameos, sidebar murders, Archie-like fliers, sinister soap stars, antique writers, nurses strangled with nightsticks, gunfights, hit and runs, kidnappin’, hilarious endin’s, speedin’ gurneys, fatal freefalls off cliffs, wall bustin’ ambulances, and possibly my favorite James Earl Jones role of all time! 4/5! 

yamityTHE AMITYVILLE TERROR (2016)

Nothing to do with the initial run of Amityville Horror movies from MGM, a family unknowingly moves into a haunted house in Amityville where the locals regularly sacrifice tenants to the evil inside so it doesn’t come after them. Better than most recent horror movies trying to ensure a buck on the Amityville name, this was wonderfully written in the same vein of the first films, bringing it the closest to a legit sequel since Amityville: Dollhouse if it had only made the effort to tie everything to the original Amityville house somehow. Burning baths, painting in the nude, dirt bikin’ last girls with crossbows, mean girls, mechanics on fire, accidental incest, horny landlords, crystal fists, airborne new agers, decapitations, eye impalements, fugly possessions, blood and gardens, and cabbage patch kid births! 3/5! 

yamuseAMUSEMENT (2008)

An adaptable killer hunts down a group of girls he knew from elementary school, and rounds them up in a warehouse for some dark but lackluster fun and games. Beautifully shot with some pretty decent acting and slick editing, this film unfortunately fell flat thanks to the script which couldn’t decide if it was an anthology or not. We have an underdeveloped backstory, nonsensical plot developments, characters we can’t really get behind, and a forgettable villain who could have been captivating in more creative hands. Suspicious convoys, Hellraisered critters in boxes, girls sewn in beds, gag dissections, the saddest “distinct” villain laugh, killer sound systems, random asylums or whatever this one damn unexplained location is, and the most “better you than me” last girls I’ve ever seen! 2/5! 

zanimalANIMAL (2014)

Young hikers cross paths with the wrong kind of wildlife in the mountains and hold-up Evil-Dead style with other victims in a roomy cabin. Beautifully shot, captivating performances, and one bad-ass monster, this Chiller original’s only flaw is that its script was basic monster movie 101 with a lot of cliché story developments and hackneyed twists and scares. Gut munching, vehicular monster slaughter, surprise pregnancies, just desserts, mercy head bashings, basement lairs, fire traps, bromance secrets, fighting last girls, and monsters that need no explanation for where they came from! 3/5!

y01ANTS aka IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR (1977)

Angry poisonous ants rebel against a construction site digging up their home and attack residents in a hotel next door. A TV movie doing the best it can with very little effects, this nature gone bad flick has a decent enough story and characters, but no crazy ant scenes, gore, or giant bug action. One great scene at the end sure to make your skin crawl though! Men buried alive, fatal freefalls, ants in the kitchen, gasoline fire moats, dumpster divin’ young’ns, hag helicopter lifts, airborne ants, restroom make-out sessions, ants in bed with Susanne Somers, quiet games with ants, and lessons in making things worse before they can get better. 3/5!

zarrARRIVAL (2016)

Aliens park a fleet of giant PedEggs above Earth, and language expert Amy Adams is racin’ to figure out what they want before world leaders decide to blow them out of the sky! This Oscar nominated film ain’t excitin’ or full of tension (or that many special effects for that matter), but this first encounter flick offers a pretty fair portrayal of how Earth might communicate with tentacle aliens comin’ in peace. Trippy flashforwards, disgruntled soldiers, lazy eyes, bombs, Rorschach languages, Willy Wonka elevators, dead kids, and 2 squids! 3/5!

zarrTHE ARRIVAL (1996)

Radio astronomer Charlie Sheen needs to justify getting the boot from his cushy satellite job after hearing an alien signal and finds himself in the middle of a Mexican conspiracy theory Al Gore warned us about! A little more thriller than I prefer, this film’s well made for it’s budget, keeps you engaged thanks to Charlie’s dorky performance, and gives you plenty of CGI ham effects by the third act. Hijacked satellites, secret agent gardeners, symposium crashers, e.t. facelifts, flexible legs, near fatal baths, airborne scorpions, bed scorpions, hit and runs, terraforming, CGI aliens, frosty defenses, e.t. young’ns, clean sweep e.t. balls, accident prone elevators, arms hacked with axes, and adventures in Mexico! 3/5!

zarr2THE ARRIVAL II: THE SECOND ARRIVAL (1998)

With Charlie Sheen passin’ on this sequel, his character is killed and leaves the burden of stopping aliens from runnin’ up Earth’s gas bill to his fictional slacker brother and a daring reporter. While the production value doesn’t match the first one, this flick’s quick to cut to the alien action, but sadly recycles all the ideas from the first movie with no new tricks. Clean sweep balls vs clean sweep balls, terraforming plant implosions, e.t. facelifts, CGI aliens, flexible legs, e.t. sex, e.t. neighbors, workers’ comp, mechanical bug assassins, financial warfare, heart attack cover-ups, and hologram maps! 3/5

ASTRO-ZOMBIES (1968)

One of those cult classics you gotta see to disbelieve, Astro-Zombies isn’t so much a horror as it is a government agent/spy flick with the CIA and criminals trying to get the drop on one another for Dr. John Carradine’s mad lab experiments, the Astro-Zombies. Obedient, undying, and solar powered, these iconic machete welding cyborgs barely have any screen time till the big finale in the last reel. In the meantime you’re subjected to epic wind-up robot wars, groovy topless dances, a lab assistant with his face stuck in mid-blink, and Carradine making sure he explains all the mumbo jumbo science to you step by step. 2/5!

astr2MARK OF THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (2004)

Witness 21st century filmmaking technology look like shit compared to 1960s movie-making in this sequel 30+ years in the making! Paper mache lizards invade Earth from a passing asteroid and unleash small groups of husky Astro-Zombies to stumble about and kill everyone in sight. Much like a wish gone horribly wrong, we get the Astro-Zombie action we wanted in the first one, but on a shoestring budget with the production value of an intermediate student film. Dr. John Carradine returns as a rubber prop, looong expositions scroll across the screen like a stock-market report, Brinke Stevens pretends to be Lois Lane, and Tura Satana chooses death over doing another Astro Zombie sequel.  2/5!

astr3ASTRO-ZOMBIES M3:CLONED (2010)

Possibly the shiniest turd in this pile of shit, creator Ted V. Mikels sinks a little less as he brings the Astro-Zombies back with fairly decent characters and plot. The government is racing to round up what Astro-Zombies survived the last movie and attempt to clone them for culinary demonstrations . . . I mean, war! Area 51, redheads, drag queen assassinations, redheads, groovy 60s ninja babe outfits, redheads, boob hickies, redheads, feelings out of left field for characters you didn’t expect to like so much, and redheads. Seriously, Mikels must really love him some reds! 3/5!

astr4ASTRO-ZOMBIES M4: INVADERS FROM CYBERSPACE (2012)

The Astro-Zombies graduate from lab experiments and alien minions to cyber trolls hacking redhead extras through their computer screens in this (fingers crossed) final sequel. Creator Ted V. Mikels exploits his newest tool in his filmmaking bag of cheap tricks and green screens the hell out of this movie! Turning his living room into the turd de France of Astro-Zombie world domination with this magic fabric, Mikels upgrades the Astro-Zombies with laser eyes and blow up poor folk like CGI water balloons! Starring more gingers than you can shake a light at, I’m convinced Mikels is farming them in a compound for repopulating the world following the next cataclysm. 2/5!

ycreatATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1985)

Survivors of a sunk ship wash up on a tropical island with rivers of acid and hundreds of tiny red skinned piranha-like savages wanting to eat them to the bone. An amazing amalgam of serious acting with some of the most comical cheap-ass puppeteering, this love it or hate it gem offers a moment or 2 of glorious gore but has very little plot. Savage spamming, melting faces, skeletons, pitfalls, berry diets, eyes in the night, puppet swinging wardrobes, head to toe meltdowns, airborne puppets, and delusional geezers! 3/5! 

zatticTHE ATTIC EXPEDITIONS aka HORROR IN THE ATTIC (2001)

This H.P. Lovecraft inspired film is about good horror actors trying to convince an unconvincing actor he’s full throttle crazy in a half-way crazy house, and reveal the whereabouts of a Necronomicon knock-off he hid after supposedly killing his girlfriend during a romantically dark ritual. A true Rubik’s cube of a plot you need a pen and paper to figure out, this complex film starts out strong but runs out of steam halfway through and puts you in a coma. Dizzying shots, crazy girl sex scenes, Jeffrey Combs once again plays an evil doctor over patients like Alice Cooper and Ted Raimi, and Seth Green possibly gives his best performance as a crazy man revealed to be an actor who’s actually possessed by an angry redheaded bitch ghost. 3/5!

zTHE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016)

A father son duo of coroners double team a rush job cutting up a babe’s corpse the police are investigating and find themselves pissing off supernatural forces. A perfect example of a well executed suspense film, this flick keeps you guessin’ the corpse’s secret to the end, the family chemistry is near flawless, and you’ll never be more afraid of a bell ringin’! Just wish the endin’ could have had more to it. Dead cats, dead mice, corpses without faces, dead ringers, dissected girls, corpse boobs, bush, digested secrets, magic, axes to the face, fatal freefalls, voodoo-like spells, and dark and stormy nights! 3/5!

zmonAVALANCHE SHARKS AKA SNOW SHARKS (2013)

Springbreak ski-bunnies head to the slopes to party but encounter a Native American curse that sicks snow swimming ecto-sharks on them. The filmmaker’s greatest sins were not knowing the meaning or importance of tension and transition. Unimaginative kills, brief CGShark action, less than decent acting, and characters feel forgotten about half the time. Stick with Ghost Shark! 2/5!

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