A – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A BLADE IN THE DARK (1983)

A composer shacks up in an Italian villa to score his first horror flick but keeps gettin’ interrupted by random trespassin’ hotties who end up murdered by a killer box cutter and its cross-dressin’ partner. This spaghetti horror’s got a lot of promise with a respectable production value supportin’ an plot that’s different from common slasher formulas, but this has waaay too much pissin’ time for me and a little too confusin’ reveal I saw comin’ a mile away. Bit of impressive gore here and there, but it’s the bizarrely shot box cutter scenes that make it look as if its alive and floatin’ in for the kills you gotta see to disbelieve! Stabbin’s, movies within movies, cross-dressin’ killers, plastic wrap suffocations, stabbed hands, changin’ room boobs, gratuitous scenes of girls underwater, one endlessly recycled tune, and tennis balls galore! 2/5! 

A DARK SONG (2016)

A slow burnin’ flick about two characters stuck in one house for months on end, this endurance test focuses on a childless mother hirin’ a temperamental occultist to coach her through a dark ritual with more steps than an Ikea instruction manual that’ll call forth her guardian angel to grant her one wish. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where a spell took the entire feature to perform, but the details and little bit of drama between the characters keeps it interestin’. I just think we need to take the emotions on more of a roller coaster to amp up the intensity of the final moments when things really start gettin’ supernatural. Drownin’s, sittin’ in shapes, sexual magic tricks, boobs, stabbin’s, fingers snipped, salt barriers, dead birds, ghostly demonic folks, plate smashin’, back shavin’, peepee pants, infections, masturbatin’, and blood drinkin’! 3/5!

A PLACE IN HELL (2018)

A van full of college filmmakers exploit a fright farm attraction to shoot a generic slasher pic, never suspectin’ a real killer is stalkin’ them from behind the scenes. While the story has potential, the location shows promise, and at least half of the cast has somewhat entertainin’ personalities, the biggest sours of this flick are its redundant stabbin’ deaths, feeble attempts at shock and fear, and most of all . . . its killer! The fella’s supposed to be demonically possessed or some shit, but he just looks like someone’s frustrated dad who got separated from the family van on a drive to IHOP. Stabbin’s galore, killer switcheroo, self obsessed bimbos, barn bangin’ without boobs, strangulations, drunk cop dramas, possible demonic possessions, necrophilia, gunshots to the gut, and the only clowns are a bunch of black light dummies hung up like funny piñatas! 2/5! 

A QUIET PLACE (2018)

In an apocalyptic world where losin’ the quiet game means death, a rural family lives like ninjas to survive giant e.t. lookin’ buggers that hunt by sound and chow on the first person who so much as hiccups. Strong actin’ and beautiful cinematography, this monster flick delivers some serious family drama and tension, but I’m not too impressed with the look and sound of its monsters that remind me of the raptors in Jurassic Park and aliens in Signs. My biggest complaint is how crazy these parents seem to be for wantin’ to raise a screamin’ baby in the thick of these audio predators after losin’ one young’n already to careless parentin’! Disemboweled bodies, babies in boxes, army of unexplained mushroom head creatures with super ears, dead coons, quickcorn, deadly hearin’ aids, impalements, shotguns to the head, young’n monster meals, needless sacrifices, and yes, there’s a little bit of talkin’ in more than one scene! 4/5!

z08ABBATOIR (2016)

An elderly man relocates murder victims’ ghosts and their entire crime scene, walls and all, to a remote town where he hodge podges them all together into the world’s most haunted house. Only a period-confused reporter, whose sister’s family has been added to the house, dares to investigate the paranormal oddity for truth, justice, and the Pulitzer way. This is an amazin’ idea with a creepy concept, but fails in its execution in so many ways. The unbalanced mixture of the film’s antiques, technology, wardrobe, and even acting from different time periods distracted me half the time, confusin’ me as to what year this story takes place. And worst, when the reporter finally enters the house in the movie’s final moments, there’s zero threat or tension, because all the ghosts are harmless whisps of billowin’ spook smoke that never pay her any mind. Faces blown out, bloody elevators, home snuff films, spectral reenactments, classic cars, film noir talk, boogey men bargains, hellish crack houses, supernatural portals, throats slit, shots in the back, offerin’s in a bottle, and real estate horrors. 3/5!

ABOMINABLE (2006)

Recuperatin’ from an accident, a wheelchair bound fella spots a big-ass sasquatch roamin’ his side of the mountain and desperately tries warnin’ the bimbos next door it’s hungry for their hot flesh! One of the best Big Foot/Abominable Snow Man flicks EVER committed to celluloid, this is just an amazin’ film that’s like watchin’ Hitchcock characters survivin’ a ’50s monster movie with puncuations of ’80s gore! The point of view might have been more interestin’ from the bimbos side of the story, and the sasquatch looks Disney silly in the face, but memorable deaths, a powerhouse score, great actin’, and Jeffrey Combs and Lance Henriksen playin’ bit parts make up for all that. Near fatal freefalls, abductions, human meals, bimbos yanked in half through windows, dead dogs, home invadin’ ‘squatches, axes to the back, fender benders with sasquatch, airborne bimbos through windshields, and folks with the fronts of their heads bitten off! 5/5!  

ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN aka YETI aka DEADLY DESCENT (2013)

After a loyal friend loses his mountain climbin’ buddy to a yeti in the snow capped mountains, he embarks on a one man rescue mission that results in his own search party lead by his ol’ military unit. Stuck on the mountain, this militant gang of firearm packin’ skiers and snowboarders must defend themselves against CGI beasts and avalanches. This TV-flick ain’t the worst thing from the SyFy channel, but it’s far from a winner. I’m just thankful it’s watchable, offers plenty of tolerable characters, and isn’t super saturated of color like so many of SyFy’s productions. Busty barmaids, G.I.Janes, avalanches, yeti ambushes, slashin’, snowboardin’, skiin’, last stand cabins, and Highlander helicopters! 3/5! 

zabTHE ABOMINATION (1986)

A farm boy’s mind is enslaved by a living tumor his mama hacks up and is forced to feed its flesh hungry offspring everyone he knows. It’s not a bad idea for a story by any means, and has all the right characters in place, but this gorefest flops hard thanks to questionable directing and poor editing that can do without all the recycled shots that makes me feel like I’m seeing the same movie 3 times! Pitchforks to the gut, monsters in the washer, machetes to the head, monsters under the bed, chainsawed heads, monsters in the kitchen cabinets, hands bitten off, death on the toilet, dead cats in the john, highway beer swappin’, monsters in the shitter, grisly skeletons, throats slit open, belly beasts, farting televangelists, bed tumors, TV miracles, gut stew in a bucket, Bible nods, and killer shades! 2/5!

AEROBICIDE aka KILLER WORKOUT (1987)

Someone’s stalkin’ and slashin’ the hardbodies of a popular health club with a gag size safety pin, and the police have too many suspects to investigate before more gym rats pay the ultimate price for bein’ beautiful. This is what Jamie Lee Curtis’ sexy sweatin’ classic Perfect should have been, Scream Freaks! While this is a cheap exer-ploitation of the ’80’s fitness boom with gratuitous scenes of ladies gyrating their assets with hollow punctuations of horror, it still gets high scores from me for a plentiful amount of eye candy, a bitchin’ soundtrack, and an unexpected twist I think is different. Only things that really hurt the movie are the lack of a central character to experience the story through and feelin’ like the movie ends more than once with a longwinded cop scene that should have been cut. Face bashin’, sabotaged weights, stabbin’s, firetrap tannin’ booths, aerobics galore, superhero sportswear, Porsches, topless homicidal dreams, burned boobs, dumb cop moves, cannonball escapes through windows, shootouts, Mustangs vs guns, boobs in the shower, and a muscle bound fist fight that’s almost in the same class as the street brawl in They Live3/5!

AFTERSHOCK (2012)

Eli Roth parties with friends in Chile until an earthquake detours their fun-cation into a unrelentin’ sprint through the depths of hell with the locals flippin’ their shit over the ensuin’ chaos. The power of this flick is how much you come to care for the characters before the natural disaster strikes, makin’ it all the harder to watch as each of them meets a grisly fate in a situation that keeps you guessin’ what could go wrong next! Wutang tramp stamps, rave clubs, severed hands, human torches, roller coasters without brakes, gunshots to the face, axes to the back, folks crushed by debris, strangulations, lootin’, rape, catacombs, tsunamis, gals buried under dead babies, gang violence, bars through legs, body part theft, sacred ground hideaways, shots in the back, and -duh!- earthquakes! 4/5!

zalchTHE ALCHEMIST (1983)

A waitress and her frustrated hitchhiker are accidentally drawn into an immortal’s beastly curse deep within the woods and find themselves fightin’ and runnin’ from deluded lovers, interdimensional demons, and the lustin’ alchemist responsible for the whole mess. An interestin’ concept with leads exhibitin’ good chemistry, I would just like to see more monster action (especially with the cursed man) and the relationship between the waitress and the immortal developed further. Stabbin’s, impalements, black out drivin’, demons on the hunt, men cut in half, off screen transformations, fatal rapid agin’, interdimensional travels, and graveyard romances! 3/5! 

ALICE IN MURDERLAND (2010)

It’s Alice’s 21st birthday, and her sorority bimbos want to throw her a Wonderland themed birthday party in the same dump her mama was slashed in decades earlier. The questionable party is a bust, however, until a party crasher dressed as a discount Jabberwocky starts snicker-snackin’ them one by one. Cheaply shot with sub-standard actin’ pretty much sums up this borderline Z-grade flick, but it does tell a comprehensive story with some nice eye candy in slutty Wonderland costumes from the dollar bin. Stabbin’s, nieces awkwardly flirtin’ with their creep uncles, Mad Teachers, Bitches of Hearts, Caterpillars turned butterflies, Cheshire Bimbos, Playboy Rabbits, Tweedledumb & Dumber, no boobs, and pool parties! 2/5!

ALIEN ARESENAL (1999)

Two geeky best friends discover a vault of e,t, firepower in their school’s basement and live out superhero fantasies zappin’ their bullies into oblivion before the sci-fi toys’ original owners fly back to Earth to reclaim it. The unofficial second sequel to Laserblast, this watered down version of Star Wars meets Rebel Without a Clue is shot on the fast and cheap but makes up for it with good actors, a few surprises, and (unlike its predecessors) actual enemies for the leads to fight. Only complaint would be how string bean the heroes look in their super suits of space armor and the seasick camerawork. Reverse zapped bullies, locker-room scares, rave disguised e.t. triplets with black light eyes, Halloween mask e.t.s, explosions, mankind extermination attempts, CGI spaceships, nerdy transitions, hot tomboys, x-ray specs, and sci-fi walkies! 3/5! 

ALIENATOR (1990)

When a space criminal escapes his execution and runs to Earth, his jailers send a muscle bound android chick to finish the job and incinerate anyone who gets in the way. The biggest problem with this dumpster fire (besides its wardrobe department) is its competin’ stories between the political drama in space and RV cruisin’ yokels fightin’ E.Ts on Earth. The two were too loosely related to share as much screen time as they did, and it’s a little silly that every alien race looks like Earthlings. I would have stuck to the battlefield Earth plot and worked the Terminator/Predator spoof in a lot faster and harder. Human matchsticks, E.Ts at the pettin’ zoo, prison collars, metal net defenses, decapitations with axes, incinerated heads, hysterical hysteria, crossbows to the head, bullet proof can-cans, spaceshipwrecks, bloody lightsabers through men’s chests, and P.J. Soles wears shirts with the boobs cut out! 2/5!

ALL HALLOWS EVE (2013)

In this poor man’s Pumpkinhead, a lonely janitor gets pissed when the oldest lookin’ college students EVER beat him up and trash his shitty scarecrow, leavin’ him no choice but to enchant the straw man with dark magic that turns him into a Halloween assassin. This is borderline Z-movie trash but offers a pretty descent story with so-so actin’, covered-up eye candy, and respectable gore and effects that include a stop-motion pumpkin headed booger in the final act that’s not to be missed. Axes to the face, costume parties, party tunes stuck on repeat, boilin’ showers, decapitations, monster chases, killer scarecrows, human matchsticks, heart rippin’, nose yankin’, fists through heads, and the dumbest death on a ladder! 3/5! 

ALL HALLOW’S EVE: OCTOBER 30TH (2015)

This slapped together mess from the shithouse that’s Gravitas Ventures is so bad, I didn’t even bother finishin’ it! We spend over 20 ass scratchin’ minutes settin’ up some backwoods pedophile’s story before even playin’ the openin’ credits, then jump ahead 20 years with a bunch of ass hats tryin’ to shoot an indie horror in the unhappy pedophile’s neck of the woods. The cinematography is okay enough, but the script and editin’ is so bad and confusin’, I just couldn’t lose anymore brain cells to it. There’s somethin’ about murdered young’ns, evil sons, kitty sacrifices . . . maybe some witches? But the worst offense that insults me the most are characters’ reactions to things like when the aged kiddie perv grabs one of the filmmakin’ gals by the throat. Nobody rushes to help her, and she’s even laughin’ while this irate stranger is near-stranglin’ her. What the fuck?! Avoid this soulless “Halloween” flick at all costs! 2/5!

ALL THE DEVILS ARE HERE (2017)

When the sun goes down in the Florida boonies, bare-ass monsters tear through the woods for a blood drenched meal and close in on a remote house full of fun seekin’ partyers and prison escapees. Part vampire, part zombie, all ’80s nostalgia, this flick captures the low-budget fun of a creature feature from the heyday of practical effects and synth scores with cringe worthy gore and animated characters. I only wish things could have been bigger with more monster scenes, more WTF moments, and more comic relief to keep the film from takin’ itself too seriously at times. Mad props to actor Doo-Doo Brown for remindin’ us of a young Samuel Jackson. Jaw rippin’, hair pullin’, arm bittin’, monstrous jailbreaks, hickville surgeries that’s scarier than any monster, useless authorities, severed arms, fun with shrooms, Native American legends, finger bittin’, geezer ass, monstrous transformations, axe fightin’, and the most in your face monster birth EVER committed to celluloid! 3/5! 

yhouseALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (2016)

Santa’s coming to town, and he’s whacking off dicks and mutilating boobs with garden shears! When a young woman comes back to her hometown, little does she know she’ll be getting caught up in her mannequin humpin’ neighbor’s fucked up family drama as her loony bin fugitive for a son hacks people up so his mom can help replace his dick she originally snipped off. This flick’s shot on the cheap, but has slightly above average acting, plenty of creepy WTF ideas, and does a great job keeping the scenes filled with the Christmas spirit. Everything seems random and non-sense at first, but if you stick it out to the end, it all comes together. Sex mannequins, girls in cages, spanking dicks, severed dicks, cats on dicks, bag of dicks, unexpected alliances, death through doors, back stabbings, and pelted Santas! 3/5!

ALLIGATOR X aka XTINCTION: PREDATOR X (2014)

After a mad Louisianan scientist resurrects a dino-gator, breedin’ its species is the next step so long as his ex-wife and local swamp authorities don’t stop him and his hillbilly henchmen. A SyFy Channel original, this ain’t all bad, but far from good with lackluster cinematography and horrible dialogue the actors have to deliver in the most forced ways. The CGI dino-gator’s alright, and Supernatural fans will get a kick out of Mark Sheppard playin’ its creator. Explosions, kidnappin’, shirtless gals, swamp folks turned gator food, SeaWorld performin’ dino-gators, egg-citin’ endin’s, and sci-fi henchbillies! 3/5!

ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)

The A-Team’s Howlin’ Mad Murdock is the newest doctor at Donald Pleasence’s loony bin without bars, and four of the craziest inmates ain’t happy ’bout it. So when a city-wide blackout unleashes their homicidal hate upon a loot happy public, they stock up on weapons and head for the good doc’s house to kill him and his family. A really good flick from New Line Cinema’s heyday, this movie is electric with quirky characters, an interestin’ situation, rockin’ tunes, and a high production value overall. The only sour for me is the story’s escalation takin’ a dip when the crazies’ attack takes roughly two days instead of one long night. Stabbin’s, pyro preachers, pedophile brutes, crossbows unbelievably pinnin’ folks off their feet to trees, nose bleedin’ Jason wannabes, literal backstabbin’, babysitter boobs, killers under the bed, folks strangled off their feet, motion sensor confinement, rock concerts, and a young Lin Shaye! 4/5!

ALTAR (2016)

Finally, a found footage flick from the point of view of Aspergers, but this quirky spin on a worn out formula is about the only thing that makes it stand out from every other Blair Witch wannabe. After we invest in a couple of newly weds who are slashed in the first few minutes, we start over with an autistic filmmaker who’s dragged along by his older sister to rough it in the mountains with her class reunion. Without wastin’ any time, the circle of classmates get lost in the wilderness and disturb a remote altar that releases a Party City lookin’ ghoulette the last few minutes of the movie to fuck with them. While the cast manages to keep you engage for the duration of the movie, the horror is a forced and done at an irregular pace, the tension’s scattered, and the movie just ends without any real resolution that leaves me cursin’ the screen. Axe wieldin’ strangers, Christmas lit altars, safety dances, possessions, stabbin’s, accidental executions, fun with the Bo-cam, and one supernatural zombie-lookin’ creature! 3/5!

ALTITUDE (2010)

A rookie pilot offers to fly her classmates to a concert, never suspectin’ her oddball boyfriend’s fear of heights triggers a Twilight Zone power to bend reality and manifest H.P. Lovecraft beasts to chase them. I was hesitant to watch this at first, knowin’ the whole movie would be on this one little plane, but the filmmakers do a great job keepin’ the tension up with lively characters fightin’ over how to handle one disastrous situation after another while strugglin’ to figure out what the hell’s even happenin’. Flyin’ tentacle monsters, bullies at 20, 000 feet, phantom planes, plane wrecks, fatal freefalls, the first half-mulligan I’ve ever seen, mile high green screen stunts, and a wrestlin’ jock we love to hate! 3/5!

THE AMBULANCE (1990)

Eric Roberts falls in love with a random chick on the street and risks life, limb, and workin’ at Marvel with Stan Lee to find out where a bogus ambulance kidnaps her for underground diabetes tests. A slick movie packed with dynamic lightin’, kinetic editin’, and subtle slapstick, this flick keeps up an impressive momentum that Eric’s quirky but likeable actin’ only enhances. I appreciate how the story avoids the expected scenario with Eric as the victim escapin’ a bogus hospital and switches things up with him solvin’ the mystery on the run, makin’ this a chase flick with substance. Only problem I have with this whole thing is Eric’s hair, zero kills related to his quest for gettin’ laid, and the whole diabetes plot fallin’ a little flat. Bad milk, junkyard gang violence, club chaos, bogus cops and docs, Archie comic nods, Stan Lee cameos, sidebar murders, Archie-like fliers, sinister soap stars, antique writers, nurses strangled with nightsticks, gunfights, hit and runs, kidnappin’, hilarious endin’s, speedin’ gurneys, fatal freefalls off cliffs, wall bustin’ ambulances, and possibly my favorite James Earl Jones role of all time! 4/5! 

AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (2017)

After a teen rebel’s family moves into Amityville’s infamous haunted house, the evil within moves into her brain dead twin on life support and possesses him to shake off the bed sores and pick up a shotgun. The first semi-official sequel/reboot to the original series from Amityville Horror to Amityville: Dollhouse, this story introduces a novel concept that breathes new life into the series and expands upon the evil’s mythos. But despite a strong idea and solid cast, this flick is ultimately harmed by heavy edits that make it feel a little hollow and a hodge podge of scenes as opposed to a escalatin’ horror movie with fluid transitions. CGI flies, nasty bed sores, possessions, shotgun deaths, magic circles, bad basements, mad moms, dead dogs, and meta movie nights with characters watchin’ the original James Brolin Amityville and its remake! 3/5!

yamityTHE AMITYVILLE TERROR (2016)

Nothing to do with the initial run of Amityville Horror movies from MGM, a family unknowingly moves into a haunted house in Amityville where the locals regularly sacrifice tenants to the evil inside so it doesn’t come after them. Better than most recent horror movies trying to ensure a buck on the Amityville name, this was wonderfully written in the same vein of the first films, bringing it the closest to a legit sequel since Amityville: Dollhouse if it had only made the effort to tie everything to the original Amityville house somehow. Burning baths, painting in the nude, dirt bikin’ last girls with crossbows, mean girls, mechanics on fire, accidental incest, horny landlords, crystal fists, airborne new agers, decapitations, eye impalements, fugly possessions, blood and gardens, and cabbage patch kid births! 3/5! 

yamuseAMUSEMENT (2008)

An adaptable killer hunts down a group of girls he knew from elementary school, and rounds them up in a warehouse for some dark but lackluster fun and games. Beautifully shot with some pretty decent acting and slick editing, this film unfortunately fell flat thanks to the script which couldn’t decide if it was an anthology or not. We have an underdeveloped backstory, nonsensical plot developments, characters we can’t really get behind, and a forgettable villain who could have been captivating in more creative hands. Suspicious convoys, Hellraisered critters in boxes, girls sewn in beds, gag dissections, the saddest “distinct” villain laugh, killer sound systems, random asylums or whatever this one damn unexplained location is, and the most “better you than me” last girls I’ve ever seen! 2/5! 

zanimalANIMAL (2014)

Young hikers cross paths with the wrong kind of wildlife in the mountains and hold-up Evil-Dead style with other victims in a roomy cabin. Beautifully shot, captivating performances, and one bad-ass monster, this Chiller original’s only flaw is that its script was basic monster movie 101 with a lot of cliché story developments and hackneyed twists and scares. Gut munching, vehicular monster slaughter, surprise pregnancies, just desserts, mercy head bashings, basement lairs, fire traps, bromance secrets, fighting last girls, and monsters that need no explanation for where they came from! 3/5!

ANNABELLE: CREATION (2017)

A bus load of orphans shack up in a doll maker’s rural home and one of them is creeped the fuck out by a demonic’ presence out to get her through an unsettlin’ doll. This Conjuring related flick is better than I expected, surprisin’ me with some pretty gory moments when I was only prepared to be spooked by a mix bag of sound effects and a strategically edited score. The characters are compellin’ but make some unbelievably dumb decisions, the endin’ ties into the beginnin’ of the first Annabelle movie, and there’s some nice demonic visualizations that remind me of things I’ve seen in Real Ghostbusters. Possessions, tricky demons, roadkill young’ns, games of Ring around the well, holy traps, double jointed fingers, monstrous transformations, scary bed sheets, trippy photos, disfigured doll women, evil scarecrows, pop gun defenses, folks ripped in half and crucified, and we learn demons can’t get you in the top bunk! 4/5!

y01ANTS aka IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR (1977)

Angry poisonous ants rebel against a construction site digging up their home and attack residents in a hotel next door. A TV movie doing the best it can with very little effects, this nature gone bad flick has a decent enough story and characters, but no crazy ant scenes, gore, or giant bug action. One great scene at the end sure to make your skin crawl though! Men buried alive, fatal freefalls, ants in the kitchen, gasoline fire moats, dumpster divin’ young’ns, hag helicopter lifts, airborne ants, restroom make-out sessions, ants in bed with Susanne Somers, quiet games with ants, and lessons in making things worse before they can get better. 3/5!

zarrARRIVAL (2016)

Aliens park a fleet of giant PedEggs above Earth, and language expert Amy Adams is racin’ to figure out what they want before world leaders decide to blow them out of the sky! This Oscar nominated film ain’t excitin’ or full of tension (or that many special effects for that matter), but this first encounter flick offers a pretty fair portrayal of how Earth might communicate with tentacle aliens comin’ in peace. Trippy flashforwards, disgruntled soldiers, lazy eyes, bombs, Rorschach languages, Willy Wonka elevators, dead kids, and 2 squids! 3/5!

zarrTHE ARRIVAL (1996)

Radio astronomer Charlie Sheen needs to justify getting the boot from his cushy satellite job after hearing an alien signal and finds himself in the middle of a Mexican conspiracy theory Al Gore warned us about! A little more thriller than I prefer, this film’s well made for it’s budget, keeps you engaged thanks to Charlie’s dorky performance, and gives you plenty of CGI ham effects by the third act. Hijacked satellites, secret agent gardeners, symposium crashers, e.t. facelifts, flexible legs, near fatal baths, airborne scorpions, bed scorpions, hit and runs, terraforming, CGI aliens, frosty defenses, e.t. young’ns, clean sweep e.t. balls, accident prone elevators, arms hacked with axes, and adventures in Mexico! 3/5!

zarr2THE ARRIVAL II: THE SECOND ARRIVAL (1998)

With Charlie Sheen passin’ on this sequel, his character is killed and leaves the burden of stopping aliens from runnin’ up Earth’s gas bill to his fictional slacker brother and a daring reporter. While the production value doesn’t match the first one, this flick’s quick to cut to the alien action, but sadly recycles all the ideas from the first movie with no new tricks. Clean sweep balls vs clean sweep balls, terraforming plant implosions, e.t. facelifts, CGI aliens, flexible legs, e.t. sex, e.t. neighbors, workers’ comp, mechanical bug assassins, financial warfare, heart attack cover-ups, and hologram maps! 3/5

ASTRO-ZOMBIES (1968)

One of those cult classics you gotta see to disbelieve, Astro-Zombies isn’t so much a horror as it is a government agent/spy flick with the CIA and criminals trying to get the drop on one another for Dr. John Carradine’s mad lab experiments, the Astro-Zombies. Obedient, undying, and solar powered, these iconic machete welding cyborgs barely have any screen time till the big finale in the last reel. In the meantime you’re subjected to epic wind-up robot wars, groovy topless dances, a lab assistant with his face stuck in mid-blink, and Carradine making sure he explains all the mumbo jumbo science to you step by step. 2/5!

astr2MARK OF THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (2004)

Witness 21st century filmmaking technology look like shit compared to 1960s movie-making in this sequel 30+ years in the making! Paper mache lizards invade Earth from a passing asteroid and unleash small groups of husky Astro-Zombies to stumble about and kill everyone in sight. Much like a wish gone horribly wrong, we get the Astro-Zombie action we wanted in the first one, but on a shoestring budget with the production value of an intermediate student film. Dr. John Carradine returns as a rubber prop, looong expositions scroll across the screen like a stock-market report, Brinke Stevens pretends to be Lois Lane, and Tura Satana chooses death over doing another Astro Zombie sequel.  2/5!

astr3ASTRO-ZOMBIES M3:CLONED (2010)

Possibly the shiniest turd in this pile of shit, creator Ted V. Mikels sinks a little less as he brings the Astro-Zombies back with fairly decent characters and plot. The government is racing to round up what Astro-Zombies survived the last movie and attempt to clone them for culinary demonstrations . . . I mean, war! Area 51, redheads, drag queen assassinations, redheads, groovy 60s ninja babe outfits, redheads, boob hickies, redheads, feelings out of left field for characters you didn’t expect to like so much, and redheads. Seriously, Mikels must really love him some reds! 3/5!

astr4ASTRO-ZOMBIES M4: INVADERS FROM CYBERSPACE (2012)

The Astro-Zombies graduate from lab experiments and alien minions to cyber trolls hacking redhead extras through their computer screens in this (fingers crossed) final sequel. Creator Ted V. Mikels exploits his newest tool in his filmmaking bag of cheap tricks and green screens the hell out of this movie! Turning his living room into the turd de France of Astro-Zombie world domination with this magic fabric, Mikels upgrades the Astro-Zombies with laser eyes and blow up poor folk like CGI water balloons! Starring more gingers than you can shake a light at, I’m convinced Mikels is farming them in a compound for repopulating the world following the next cataclysm. 2/5!

ycreatATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1985)

Survivors of a sunk ship wash up on a tropical island with rivers of acid and hundreds of tiny red skinned piranha-like savages wanting to eat them to the bone. An amazing amalgam of serious acting with some of the most comical cheap-ass puppeteering, this love it or hate it gem offers a moment or 2 of glorious gore but has very little plot. Savage spamming, melting faces, skeletons, pitfalls, berry diets, eyes in the night, puppet swinging wardrobes, head to toe meltdowns, airborne puppets, and delusional geezers! 3/5! 

ATTACK OF THE MORNINGSIDE MONSTER (2014)

Someone in a bedazzled tribal mask is carvin’ up a small town’s criminals for soul food with a puny powertool, and the sheriff’s gotta figure out who it is. Shot on the cheap but decently acted, this is far from a terrible flick, but ain’t nothin’ stellar either. The gore’s respectable but leaves a lot to be desired, and after the killer’s revealed, one scene REALLY doesn’t make sense without a Fight Club twist bein’ added. Head bashin’, gunfire executions, organ yankin’, powertool operations, head gashes, a dumb endin’, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Nicholas Brendon co-stars! 2/5!

ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE (1963)

It’s Tokyo’s version of Gilligan’s Island as a boatload of yahoos are shipwrecked on a foggy island and peer pressure each other into eatin’ its fungi that turn ya into a cacklin’ mushroom mutant. I’ve heard folks pan this Toho flick for years, but it’s not as bad as they say. The cast is convincin’ enough, the sets provide an undeniably creepy atmosphere, and I haven’t felt this much forebodin’ dread since watchin’ Cabin Fever. Now, there’s plenty of opportunities to poke fun at the dialogue and actin’, but the real sour of this J-horror is the fact the full blown mushroom people ain’t seen until the last 15 minutes of the movie and for a criminally short amount of time. Funny thing is, they don’t even “attack” so much as corner and hug resistant shroomers like happy trippin’ hippies. The real “attackers” are the half mutated shipmates snatchin’ the remainin’ few to eat fungi or die. Fungus heads, small army of mushroom mutants, severed arms, songs with made up words, shroom trippin’ with nightclub montages, dancin’ contortionists, and rubber room confessions! 3/5! 

zatticTHE ATTIC EXPEDITIONS aka HORROR IN THE ATTIC (2001)

This H.P. Lovecraft inspired film is about good horror actors trying to convince an unconvincing actor he’s full throttle crazy in a half-way crazy house, and reveal the whereabouts of a Necronomicon knock-off he hid after supposedly killing his girlfriend during a romantically dark ritual. A true Rubik’s cube of a plot you need a pen and paper to figure out, this complex film starts out strong but runs out of steam halfway through and puts you in a coma. Dizzying shots, crazy girl sex scenes, Jeffrey Combs once again plays an evil doctor over patients like Alice Cooper and Ted Raimi, and Seth Green possibly gives his best performance as a crazy man revealed to be an actor who’s actually possessed by an angry redheaded bitch ghost. 3/5!

zTHE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016)

A father son duo of coroners double team a rush job cutting up a babe’s corpse the police are investigating and find themselves pissing off supernatural forces. A perfect example of a well executed suspense film, this flick keeps you guessin’ the corpse’s secret to the end, the family chemistry is near flawless, and you’ll never be more afraid of a bell ringin’! Just wish the endin’ could have had more to it. Dead cats, dead mice, corpses without faces, dead ringers, dissected girls, corpse boobs, bush, digested secrets, magic, axes to the face, fatal freefalls, voodoo-like spells, and dark and stormy nights! 3/5!

zmonAVALANCHE SHARKS AKA SNOW SHARKS (2013)

Springbreak ski-bunnies head to the slopes to party but encounter a Native American curse that sicks snow swimming ecto-sharks on them. The filmmaker’s greatest sins were not knowing the meaning or importance of tension and transition. Unimaginative kills, brief CGShark action, less than decent acting, and characters feel forgotten about half the time. Stick with Ghost Shark! 2/5!

AXEMAN aka AXEMAN AT CUTTER’S CREEK (2013)

A circle of hyper sexual asshole friends reunite for a bitchfest weekend at a remote cabin and are attacked by a local legend known as the Axeman (despite his prolific use of machetes and knifes). While the intent for a throwback ’80s slasher is sincerely felt with familiar set-ups and admirable deaths scenes, this indie flick’s unbalanced story structure and flat one note characters played to the extreme is what ultimately ruins it. Axeman plays like a sad man’s MTV teen drama filled with Troma inspired dialogue most the time with horror as an after thought, and the filmmakers seem to think a big clean cut guy with an axe is enough to be a scary killer. Worst part is how the horn dog friends build up all this sexual tension fallin’ over each other the whole movie like out of control nymphos, just to barely deliver a glimpse of side boob toward the end. Decapitations, guys cut in half, CGI blood spray, folks hacked to pieces, impalements, impossible killer throws, lesbo action, perverted fat guys, girls’ insides used as murder weapons, pointless robbery subplots, pussy white trash chasers, and Brinke Stevens turns a 180 performance as a hick sheriff! 2/5!

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