R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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SANTA JAWS (2018)

Brace yourself for a nutty mash-up of ideas as a teenage artist accidentally doodles a Christmas shark to life with a magic pen and spends Christmas Eve rescuin’ his friends and family from bein’ eaten by the imaginary killer. Part Cellar Dweller, part Krampus, and all silly shark, this has to be one of the craziest TV shark movies I’ve ever seen. That said, the CGI’s decent, the filmmakers do a good job keepin’ things Christmasy from scene to scene, and there’s a solid story from beginnin’ to end, but the actin’ ain’t convincin’ when it comes to realistic reactions, the rules for Santa Jaws are all over the place, and the family barely has chemistry. Bikini trophy wives, fantasy Russian girls, greedy comic shop owners, explodin’ ornaments, bunch of folks eaten whole, impalements, senseless sacrifices, magic pens, explodin’ turkey dinners, medieval defenses, bitch mamas, fist fightin’ Santa fantasies, mulligan endin’s, and yes, Santa Jaws wears the hat the whole time while wrapped in Christmas lights and even gains a candycane horn and busted ornaments for teeth! 3/5!

PIRANHA (1995)

Before Piranha 3D remade Joe Dante’s masterpiece ’bout killer sea critters eatin’ river tourists, Roger Corman had already updated the ’78 classic for the ’90s couch potato with a handful of familiar TV talents lookin’ for a handout. Repeatin’ the original Piranha plot nearly beat for beat (with a bunch of recycled piranha clips to save special effects costs), the Greatest American Hero and one of the Baywatch babes accidentally release mutant piranhas into a mountain river and risk their skin to rescue swimmers from bein’ chewed to death. If I gotta pick, I prefer the original Piranha. This version just lacks that campy charm and chemistry among the characters that make the first one so much fun to watch again and again. The only thing I’ll be rewatchin’ here are the bikini babes. Ski or die scenes, explodin’ jet skis, eaten arms, chewed up tourists galore, sidearm suicides, cryin’ young’ns, suspicious dwarf clowns, bikini ceremonies, nude death scenes with enormous flotation devices, skinny dippin’, offscree skeletons, nutty scientists, lab brawls, jeep wrecks, smelt defenses, jailbreaks, bloody waters, and one dead dog! 3/5!

PIRANHACONDA (2012)

A new race of evolutionary nightmares are slitherin’ through the jungles of Hawaii to their own theme song and interrupt kidnappers’ masterplan for ransomin’ a horror movie film crew and Dr. Michael Madsen who phones in the performance of his career. Yes, this is another one of SyFy’s many TV monsters brought to us by Roger Corman’s studio, but this cheesefest of wild kingdom hybrids is pretty damn entertainin’. If you can tolerate the inane bad guys, annoyin’ bloodbath camera filters, and the fact the CGI beasts look like cartoons right out of Roger Rabbit, then you’ll enjoy watchin’ a comedic group of filmmakers flee for their lives while random bikini bimbos take turns feedin’ the piranhacondas every few minutes. Piranhacondas vs helicopters, egg stealin’, explosions, legs bitten off, babes bitten in half, sunbathin’ beauties, Anaconda 2 nods, kidnappin’, gunshots to the foot, unnecessary cliff jumpin’, fatal pissin’, monkey gruntin’ script girls, and big breasted babes galore! 3/5!

ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE (1963)

It’s Tokyo’s version of Gilligan’s Island as a boatload of yahoos are shipwrecked on a foggy island and peer pressure each other into eatin’ its fungi that turn ya into a cacklin’ mushroom mutant. I’ve heard folks pan this Toho flick for years, but it’s not as bad as they say. The cast is convincin’ enough, the sets provide an undeniably creepy atmosphere, and I haven’t felt this much forebodin’ dread since watchin’ Cabin Fever. Now, there’s plenty of opportunities to poke fun at the dialogue and actin’, but the real sour of this J-horror is the fact the full blown mushroom people ain’t seen until the last 15 minutes of the movie and for a criminally short amount of time. Funny thing is, they don’t even “attack” so much as corner and hug resistant shroomers like happy trippin’ hippies. The real “attackers” are the half mutated shipmates snatchin’ the remainin’ few to eat fungi or die. Fungus heads, small army of mushroom mutants, severed arms, songs with made up words, shroom trippin’ with nightclub montages, dancin’ contortionists, and rubber room confessions! 3/5! 

THE BEES (1978)

When mankind’s greed for honey unleashes a new intelligent species of killer bees on America, beekeepin’ scientists, John Saxon and John Carradine, are solely tasked with killin’ the fatal stingin’ buggers before they organize a rally for a seat at the United Nations. This environmental horror is simply ridiculous for the funniest reasons. Widows quickly get over their dead husbands at the sight of Saxon, Carradine can’t do a German accent to save his life, the scientists’ race to beat the bees lacks tension and doesn’t match the bees’ steady escalation of danger, and when Saxon and Carradine can’t destroy the bees with gay chemicals, they decide to join ’em as diplomats promotin’ man’s co-existence with the new dominant species. You just gotta see it to disbelieve it! Honey thieves, botched bee smugglin’, stock footage aircraft crashes, gunshots in the back, stock footage army attacks, weird incest kind-of moments, plans for turnin’ bees gay, interspecies negotiations, and artificial bees! 3/5!

DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE aka THE BURNING (1979)

When Donny’s abusive mother passes away, voices in his head encourage ’em to jump on the furniture, crank his music to 11, and cook gals with a flamethrower. A forgotten horror gem that tells the story from the killer’s perspective, this is like watchin’ a Batman villain’s origin with tragic backstories and sick delusions leadin’ this guy to don an asbestos suit and make himself a supportive circle of toasty friends he can share his feein’s with. Well made with strong performances, the only sour I’m willin’ to bitch ’bout is the voice in Donny’s head not bein’ played up enough. Human matchsticks, holy fires, burnt-up mamas, Ted Bundy trickery, extra crispy corpses, revenge of the overcooked dead, beachy nightmare sequences, literal disco infernos, child abuse over stovetops, parkin’ garage brawls, house fires, flamin’ perms, kidnapped women, and a whole scene dedicated to the process of buyin’ a suit for parties under the disco ball! 4/5!

BERMUDA TENTACLES (2014)

The US President has sunk to the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle in an escape egg from Air Force One, and the Navy is called in full force to rescue him from the CGI e.t.s that inhabit its waters. From SyFy, the hit and miss king of TV’s original monster movies, this is definitely a hit for me. The tentacles look waaay too cartoony at times, but the story’s firm, the characters have enough personality, the sets are nicely designed, and there’s well thought out escalation of reveals and tension with plenty of that popcorn action I’ve come to expect from movies like this. Big-ass starfish lookin’ e.t.s, impalements, explodin’ soldiers, flyin’ e.t.s, battleship action, special ops yanked to a watery doom, deep sea divin’, plane explosions, helicopter action, naval mine lookin’ sentries, missions in the belly of the beast, e.t. stingers, Linda Hamilton is the captain now, and Jamie Kennedy plays the e.t. expert of the triangle! 3/5! 

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