R-RATED REVIEWS

logotitle copy3

 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

NEW

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2U (2019)

Sorority bitch turned loveable last girl Tree is still tryin’ to escape her fatal case of Groundhog Day, and she finds out it’s thanks to a student’s science project that not only throws her in another time loop with a baby face killer, but an alternate timeline with different outcomes. Unique for bein’ the first ever sequel to a déjà vu themed movie, this flick’s every bit as fun as the first Happy Death Day, but it favors sci-fi comedy more than horror given Tree’s not the killer’s target in the alternate dimension she’s stuck in. In fact, she’s responsible for nearly all her deaths, so this really could have been called Happy Suicide Day! Fatal freefalls, stabbin’s, death by flyin’ screwdrivers, electrified head on collisions, bikini sky divin’, time travelin’ doppelgangers, Drain-O cocktails, Back to the Future references, electrified baths, woodchipper divin’, bimbos playin’ blind, and a really weird and unbelievable motive for the killer! 5/5!

THE SUPER (2017)

A single dad moves his family into an apartment buildin’s basement as its newest super but starts second guessin’ his career move as tenants are mysteriously attacked and thinks a creepy chantin’ Val Kilmer’s to blame. For a supernatural mystery that looks great and certainly keeps me guessin’ what the big bad is ‘til the surprisin’ end, this is surprisingly blah as far as entertainment is concerned. Only real sour is some noticeable ADR edits when folks’ lips are barely movin’. Gouged eyes, pencil stabbin’, handicap deaths, ghostly yankin’, rings of hoodoo fire, bodies stuffed in the furnace, and evil dead girls! 3/5!

THE MAN WHO KILLED HITLER AND THEN THE BIGFOOT (2018)

Sam Elliot plays a World War II vet in the 1980s whose top secret reputation for killin’ Hitler pegs him as the perfect soldier the government needs to hunt and kill a plaque carryin’ Big Foot in the Great White North. Sam sums the movie up best when he chews a scene with Ron Livingston sayin’ this ain’t the comic book story you want it to be. While we do see him assassinate the fuhrer and fist fight a sickly ‘squatch to the death, the majority of the movie is more ’bout Sam mullin’ ’round with his memories and regrets for things he’s done and the girl he pushed away. It’s similar to Bubba Ho-Tep, but not as funny or effective with the lead’s emotional story arc. Still worth seein’ for Sam’s brawl with Bigfoot though, which I think is more epic than The Six Million Dollar Man’s run-in with the behemoth. Broken arms, bullets to the head, G.I. spies, ears bitten off, dead moose, sickly wildlife, rings of fire, pukin’, and senior street brawls! 3/5! 

THE BODY (2018)

A disgruntled hit man’s havin’ a rough night transportin’ the stiff of his latest kill, but things get even more complicated when folks from a Halloween party steal his prized corpse, and he has to partner up with a love struck protege to get it back. This Hulu flick’s a lot of fun to watch and keeps surprisin’ me in ways I don’t expect. From the panicked decisions of the partiers to the electrifyin’ chemistry between the hit man and the demented babe lustin’ for him, I’m on the edge of my bar stool with anticipation for every character’s fate and lovin’ every second of it. Maggot caked cheese meals, bodily mutilations off camera, Halloween parties, escape rooms, cemetery betrayals, bullets and knives to the head, folks embalmed alive, fingers bitten off, slit throats, stabbin’s, eye gougin’, and bitchy karma! 4/5!   

THE NIGHT EATS THE WORLD (2018)

A man of few words sleeps through a zombie outbreak and holds up in an apartment buildin’ afterward to the drums for the surroundin’ undead ’til the movie decides to end. Point blank, I’m not a fan of this uneventful slow burn. It looks great, and the actin’s alright, but this is too emo for my taste and offers nothin’ scary or fun. Apartment buildin’ massacres off screen, grapplin’ hook escapes, fantasy friends, one man drummin’ solo concerts for the walkin’ dead, shotguns to the face, zombie scratches, zombie invasions, and zombie maulin’s! 2/5! 

DOWN (2019)

A man and woman get stuck in an office buildin’ elevator for hours on Valentine’s weekend and hook up to help pass the time. The fun fling goes south, however, when the gal rejects the fella for usin’ the “L” which makes him snap and reveal some sinister truths ’bout their predicament. For a four wall Ruin My Lifetime-kinda movie with only two folks to keep me hooked, this is some very impressive filmmakin’. Great use of the lightin’, the sex scene is pretty hot, and the back and forth between the two actors is top shelf chemistry. Sex in an elevator without boobs, dumpster burnin’ deaths, impalement, folks cut in half in an elevator, head bashin’ with flashlights, elevator shaft chases, and obsessed stalkers! 4/5! 

THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS (2016)

A fungal virus is turnin’ the world into floral zombies and the government studies a new breed of children born from infected pregos for a cure. A 28 Days Later zombie invasion interrupts the experiments, however, and survivors have to safely get one friendly teacher’s pet to a different lab to complete their research. I expected a run of the mill zombie apocalypse flick, but this story’s full of enough fresh ideas to stand out from other walkin’ dead wannabes. The star young’n with all the gifts owns the screen with such dynamic actin’, it interestingly divides audiences whether or not she’s a hero to be cheered or a manipulative monster to be feared. Feral zombies invadin’ military bases, monster proof wheelchairs, unhinged jaws galore, cat eatin’, Lord of the Flies gangs, fungal wrapped brains, soldiers eaten alive, stabbin’s, monstrous transformations in a flash, impressive zombie trees, mini-mart ambushes, zombie naps standin’ up, bullets to the face, and head bashin’ with baseball bats! 3/5!

MOON 44 (1990)

In the year 2038, mega corporations become super powers that rule the galaxy and battle over distant moons for their resources with helicopters flown by robots and prisoners needin’ a break from the big house. At the center of it all is an undercover agent who’s hired to investigate one company’s missin’ inventory of space rides among a rough crowd of convicted pilots, but the real stars are their meek navigators tryin’ to survive the prison showers. This looks like a promisin’ action flick with fancy sets and model space ships out the ass, but putrid polecats, it’s like watchin’ a manic hamster spinnin’ its wheel with repetitive scenes that create a mind numbin’ wrinkle in time, and a story that goes nowhere with zip tension. Only thin’ that makes this worth checkin’ out is seein’ Evil Ed and the bugged out henchman from Fright Night 1-2 act together. Hangin’s, cockroach seasonin’, explosions, offscreen shower rape, robot puppets, and Malcolm McDowell as the most expected bad guy EVER! 2/5! 

ESCAPE ROOM (2019)

Like nearly every other escape room movie I’ve ever seen, a gang of strangers are mysteriously invited to escape six puzzle rooms for money, but learn soon enough the danger is real, and they gotta be smart or be dead before time runs out. The difference between this and all the other Saw inspired knock-offs, however, is this flick has an ass-load of money behind it and elevates the scope and tension of the rooms and their traps like I’ve never seen before, easily makin’ this the best escape room themed flick I’ve seen to date. That said, as wildly creative as the rooms are, the deaths aren’t anythin’ memorable, even with an all-star cast keepin’ you on the edge of your seat with their performances. Oven baked rooms, freezin’ wilderness simulations, explodin’ ice, upside down bars, musical floors, electric shock paddle deaths, gassed infirmaries, bullets to the head, crushin’ walls, ball trippin’ rooms, needle stickin’, fatal freefalls, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

SOMETHING BENEATH (2007)

A fancy hotel’s built on top of an underground monster’s lair, and the inside out butthole booger beast retaliates by secretin’ its fear inducin’ ooze through every nook and cranny it can to scare the guests into killin’ themselves. Only Pastor Kevin Sorbo and his new dog fearin’ crush have any hope of stoppin’ it all with the help of a hermit scientist. A made for TV movie, this joint effort between Syfy and Hallmark comes off just how you’d imagine; A buddin’ relationship right out of a supermarket romance novel set against a creature feature backdrop. Sounds dicey, but it works, and makes for a pretty sweet movie with superbly sharp cinematography. Decapitations, asthma attacks, impalement, scary wolf flashbacks, hag phobias, explosions, sewer scares, zombies, folks yanked underground, protective Native American chants, and heavy machinery mayhem! 3/5!  

Advertisements
TwitterFacebook Youtube
%d bloggers like this: