R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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STRAYS (1991)

A family moves into their boonies dream home and are welcomed to the sticks by a pack of feral cats lookin’ to pounce folks to death for a place to squat. This TV movie may not be anythin’ fancy, but its script is pretty damn impressive for how thoughtful it is and is perfectly executed by a talented ensemble of actors I’m rootin’ to survive the feline fatales. The only sour for me is the lack of deaths and how uncreative the few we get are. Cats in the vents, head knockin’, car wrecks, injured doggies, inappropriate signs of affection, kittens, dead rats, jumpin’ rats, self-righteous veterinarians, cat-o-vision, fatal freefalls, cat ladies mauled by their fur babies, cat piles, feline piss parties, doggie door escapes, water pistol defenses, indoor waterfalls, flea bag electrocutions, and only one dead pussy cat! 3/5! 

ICE QUEEN (2005)

A plane carryin’ a monstrous hottie from the Ice Age crashes in the mountains and traps a miniature ski resort under a stock footage avalanche. Now, the handful of residents still alive gotta shake off the fake snow and outrun the feral she-beast ‘fore she ices them all. A charmin’ low-budget horror that honestly tries its best, this obscure creature feature is a hoot to watch thanks to meetin’ the trifecta of schlocky entertainment with modest gore, a memorable monster, and fake boobed bimbos barin’ their talents. There’s a few minor sours like over complicated mercenary plots and characters usin’ heavy artillery on everythin’ but the monster, but they’re all forgivable. Helicopter attacks, monstrous heists, explosions, ambushed convoys, plane crashes, hot tub meltdowns, hand dryer defenses, impalin’, ice pop corpses, disembowelin’, flirtatious beasts, slashed implants, artificial flotation devices in hot tubs, wet t-shirt contests, skiing, avalanches galore, and ice monster-vision! 4/5! 

TRAIN (2008)

An American wrasslin’ team boards the wrong train to their next European match and ends up trapped by organ stealin’ killers conductin’ black market surgeries for the desperate upper class. Torture porn on a train, this is a well-made flick with all the bells and whistles of a borderline Green Inferno kinda experience with distinct characters swallowed up by an all encompassin’ horror, but the medical stuff doesn’t always make sense, and folks turn nearly superhuman in the last reel. Biggest sour is none of the victims use their wrasslin’ moves in self-defense save the last girl breakin’ out one winnin’ maneuver at the last minute of the movie. Rave club brawls, Olympic style wrasslin’, needles to the neck, seductive doctors, live disembowelin’, dick hackin’, homo rape, golden showers, clubbed noggins, eye-swappin’ surgeries, corpse skinnin’, human matchsticks, fatal freefalls, head smashin’, face burnin’, axes to the head, surgical cults, hooks to the face, organ donors in cages, jockstrap dares, and impalin’! 4/5!

BLACK CADILLAC (2003)

A Saab full of friends piss off the wrong Wisconsin locals and spend the rest of their night with a big ass Cadillac up their muffler for some snowy back roads payback. Well written with plenty of character driven drama to balance out the cat and mouse car-nage, this flick boasts an engagin’ cast, grippin’ action cuts, and brilliantly builds up its menacin’ ’57 Cadillac Fleetwood Series 75 Limousine as a force to be reckoned with. Bovine speed bumps, garage wreckin’ kidnappin’s, wreckless drivin’, bar brawls, backroom blowjobs, disfigured backstories, cliff-divin’ car stunts, backseat canoodlin’, blizzards, broken legs, and morbidly propped deer carcasses! 4/5!

STALKER CLUB (2017)

A gang of high schoolers play their own version of “assassin” with a horror twist and gotta keep from bein’ tagged out long ‘nough to guess who the secret killer is. Problem is, folks start dyin’ for real, and the remainin’ players gotta figure out what the hell’s goin’ on and what it’s got to do with their parents’ dark past. An overall top notch production, this is a pretty solid slasher flick with great camerawork, an Archie inspired cast of characters, and ‘nough red herrin’s to keep ya guessin’ whodunnit to the very end. A couple of cheesy moments every now and again, but no real sours to talk ’bout. Fatal stair falls, stabbin’s, slit wrists, in the tub, poisonin’, bee stings galore, swollen faces, staged suicides, library chases, home invasions, Fight Club rules, dead frog bookmarks, and cuttin’! 3/5!

THE WICKED (2013)

A bunch of small town troublemakers bust out a mythical witch’s windows for kicks and end up on her menu for human hash she needs to stay hot ‘n strong. This is a pretty impressive horror/drama combo I’d strongly recommend you Scream Freaks check out. There’s sharp cinematography, commendable actin’, top notch special effects, a rockin’ soundtrack, and a real nasty killer that ain’t so easy to defeat. The only sours that stick in my craw is how long it takes for folks to bite the big one, and how ineffective the most grisly deaths in the movie are. Supernatural kidnappin’, jarred body parts, explodin’ windows, skinny dippin’ without nudity, bangin’ in tents without boobs, funeral receptions, fanged red heads, teleportation, teens grounded to hamburger meat, illusion spells, dead stop spells, fleshy mess eatin’, throat rippin’, stabbin’, dungeon basements, witch bottle defenses, witch burnin’, and amateur magic tricks! 4/5!

JIGSAW (2002)

A college art class takes a field trip to a bar and gets smashed while presentin’ their joint disasterpiece, a hodge podge arts and craft mannequin whose body is so fucked up in the name of artistic expression, it has no choice but to randomly come alive without a lick of explanation and kill ’em all. The story’s genuinely interestin’, and the actors are kinda fun to watch thanks to some witty dialogue, but I think the filmmakers really dropped the ball when it comes to the monstrous design of their Ol’ Navy prop, and I’m pretty upset the movie just abruptly ends without any resolution whatsoever! Zero boobs, jealous truckers, heart attacks, crucified bonfires, remote camera eyes, firework mohawks, cowgirl dancin’, buzzsaw arms through the chest, suicidal flashback dramas, gals hogtied in their underwear, awkward swingin’, record breakin’ pees, teachers hittin’ on students, decapitated trickery, and strangulation! 2/5! 

BAY COVE (1987)

A former Nancy Drew and her husband pull a Green Acres and leave their easy-goin’ city life for a fresh start with a little island community that’s secretly a coven of immortal witches who either wanna bring ’em into their shenanigans or sacrifice ’em to the devil to stay young. I’m really not sure which, and that’s thanks to a lot of convoluted half-ass details behind the satanic ritual everythin’s buildin’ up to with confusin’ possessions, supernatural deal breakers, and behind the scenes manipulation. But despite that one major sour note, the rest of this made for TV flick ain’t half bad and even surprises me a couple of times with some explosive moments. Instant tombstones, sailor boys flyin’ on bikes that are way too small for ’em, witchy little girls, baseball card burnin’, underground tunnels, phone calls from the dead, convenient store dungeons, witchy torture devices, demonic bolts of lightnin’, explodin’ churches, rubadub dub love makin’, vanishin’ dogs, ol’ coots in the attic with all the secrets, quiltin’, and Woody Harrelson blows up in a flyin’ jeep! 3/5! 

DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981)

When the heist of an ancient Egyptian tomb is interrupted by a clueless photo shoot, the baffled grave robbers tolerate the cameras and super models for a few days while the world’s tallest pissed off mummy gathers his flesh hungry troops for eatin’ the trespassers’ guts. A bizarre but fun story that should really take place in a day versus the week it spreads over, this is easily one of the more fun mummy movies I’ve ever seen with a modest ‘mount of eye candy, quirky performances, and an all out gore endin’. Egyptian burial guttin’, oozin’ mummies, neck chompin’, eye gougin’, cleavers to the head, mummy sand traps, desert swimmin’ holes, explosions, mummy invasions, radiation burnt hands, cursed dust, decapitations, lyin’ corpses, folks crushed under tomb doors, treasure rooms, disembowelin’, and crazy hags who might be centuries old?! 3/5!

ANNA (2017)

While mish-mashin’ Annabelle, Silent Hill, and Evil Dead 2 sounds like an awesome idea, it can also make for an awesomely bad movie. Two screwy friends (who I think are or want to be paranormal investigators) steal an evil doll from a haunted house attraction/supernatural museum (I really don’t know which) and try to prove the existence of ghosts/destroy the demon attached to it (again, I have no clue what their motivation is) resultin’ in a hellmouth’s worth of trouble with a vagina face woman out to get them. This is a wildly imaginative idea, but suffers from shit cinematography and sound, so-so actin’, a run-on story, and confusin’ locations with less context than the lead characters have for why they’re doin’ any of this. Happy bicycle thefts, magic rituals in the buff, invisible yankin’, mud/shit holes, footprint wall art, spooky TVs, misinformed hookers, wheelchair bound psychics, female sacrifices, goth boys, possessed dolls, some kind of arts and crafts monster, naked witches without boobs, and scissor stick weapons! 2/5! 

THE CLEANSE (2016)

Better titled Metaphor: The Movie, a small gang of strangers is accepted into a juice cleansin’ program in the boonies where they’re expectin’ to be purged of their bodily toxins but projectile vomit Pokemon lookin’ critters of their personal flaws and hang-ups ‘stead. To complete the cleanse, they gotta fight the urge to nurture these cute special effects and kill ’em ‘fore they grow into deadly beasts. More indie drama than horror, this flick is beautifully shot with top shelf effects supported by a solid cast, but the story leaves a lot to be desired regardin’ characters’ motivations and resolutions I don’t feel are fully realized. Probably ’cause the filmmakers were too busy keepin’ us on our toes flippin’ the conventional scenarios. I wouldn’t recommend this for animal lovin’ horror fans ‘less they’re okay with pet monster violence. Yokels eatin’ the world’s biggest hotdog, bed stiffs, blindfold walkin’, monster stranglin’, car wrecks, plumber’s nightmares, and monsters under the bed! 3/5! 

SPIRIT CAMP (2009)

In this tongue in cheek homage to Halloween, a troubled chick joins a squad of stuck-up teeny boppin’ cheerleaders at a remote cheer camp to score some community service points and slowly wins their friendship when she becomes their best hope for survivin’ a masked slasher with a kitchen knife. This flick’s shot a little on the cheap with some awkward camera work and edits in the first 15 minutes, but it gets better the longer I hang with it. Convincin’ characters, punches of humor without bein’ dumb, mild gore, and boobs, the only things I’d change would be a more original look for the killer, cut back on the excessive mudhole footage a loaded mini-van surprisingly had no problem crossin’ (twice!), and ixnay all the Halloween references ’cause the film is good ‘nough without it. Cheerleadin’ boobs, suspicious groundskeepers, blow-up doll masks, fatty boyfriends, bridge-phobias, TNT explosions, human matchsticks, canoo deaths, stabbin’s, shoulder slashin’, peek-a-boo butt cheeks, panty sniffin’ sheriffs, escaped loonies, vibratin’ dildo action, creepy little sisters, redneck dads, and devil’s lettuce! 3/5!

MONSTER MASH (1995)

When DJ Tanner and her stringbean boyfriend breakdown on their way to a Halloween party, the first place they hit up for help is Dr. Frankenstein’s castle where copyright free versions of everyone’s favorite Universal monsters are busy partyin’. With every creature of the night wantin’ them for their brains, virginity, and duets, the teenage love birds must sing and dance their way to the safety of daybreak. A made for TV flick based on the “Monster Mash” diddy and the stage play it inspired, this is a young’n safe creature feature that’s so family friendly at times, it hurts to watch. Cover your ears from the awful tunes, but give this a watch for some cool new spins on classic monsters and a show stealin’ performance by John Kassir (the voice of the Cryptkeeper) as a cartoony Igor. Vampire dancers, monkey faced Frankenstein monsters, brain switchin’ doohickeys, fortune tellin’ moms, secret passageways, dyno-mite handlers, hunchback slappin’, livin’ dead cougars, the original “Monster Mash” singer as Dr. Frankenstein, hairy mama’s boys, full dog transformations without shapeshiftin’ scenes, neck bitin’, awkward dinner dancin’, Elvis mummies, mad science labs, teenage brides to be, back and forth switch-ups between actors singin’ their own songs and lip syncin’ others’ words, enslaved minds, and the “Monster Mash” song with a lot of footage that doesn’t exactly match its lyrics! 3/5! 

SPIRITS (1990)

While pastor Erik Estrada’s guilt over an ol’ affair manifests in dirty fantasies with an oversexed Mother Mary, ‘cross town is a gang of paranormal investigators pokin’ ’round a dead Satanist’s infamous home with a violent booga-boo lookin’ to raise some hell before its haunt gets bulldozed. A solidly entertainin’ cheapie from the one and only schlockmeister Fred Olen Ray, this somewhat disjointed flick doesn’t offer anythin’ I haven’t seen before from its special effects to its haunted house scenario, but it does feature Scream Queens Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer as a possessed psychic and a sexually charged heretic which I’ll happily eat up any day! Succubus bangin’ between the sheets, nails hammered through hands, Exorcist wannabe possessions, disembodied helium voices reenactin’ young’n on young’n rape, haunted basements, Mother Mary nudity, demonic creatures, and cursed basement showdowns! 3/5!

VOODOO (1995)

Corey Feldman needs a place to crash while stalkin’ his college girlfriend and accepts an invitation to the campus’s weirdest frat house that wastes no time tryin’ to turn him into a hoodoo zombie as part of a voodoo priest’s ritual for immortality. A decently entertainin’ flick that plays like a long winded Tales From the Crypt episode with very little gore, the only real sour I can find in this are the details to the voodoo priest’s sacrificial magic not makin’ sense every now and again. Voodoo doll stabbin’, burnin’, flingin’, possessed frat house massacres with a pump-action shotgun, hoodoo voodoo trinkets, roofied basement rituals with dead girls, jumpscare nightmares, boobs on a slab and in bed, regretful tattoos, frat house goats, frat initiations, needles to the neck, guards slammed under car hoods, salt induced spasms, salt circles, and Eraserhead as the voodoo huntin’ Cassandra figure! 3/5!

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