R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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ALIEN OPPONENT (2010)

It’s the Cannonball Run of campy e.t. horror as a yokel town of rednecks take their chances ‘gainst a space wrecked alien and his sci-fightin’ toys to retrievin’ a rich hick’s corpse from a junkyard for a hefty bounty. This low-budget flick starts off a bit slow, seesaws between awesome to passable effects, and is all over the place regardin’ which character’s story we’re even supposed to follow, but it’s so wildly dark and nutty with an ensemble of laughable yahoos ‘gainst forces that never stop bein’ surprisin’, we can’t help but love it as an instant guilty pleasure. CGI skin burrowin’ slugs, severed limbs, armored flamethrower attacks, junkbot guards, holographic robo-sharks, airborne hicks, hammers to the head, stabbin’s, face grilled Jessabelles, space ships, CGI floatin’ helper bots, TombRaider wannabes, cops cut in half, bullets to the head, sliced-up kiddie dojos, explosions, flyin’ crosses with knives, buzzsaw arms, husband huntin’ hitchhiker maids, clothed strippers, forcefields, awesome lookin’ e.t. in body armor, e.t.s versus high school sports teams, dog throwin’, dine and dashin’, dumb hick cheatin’, semi-zombies, bats to the noggin’, blood collectin’, and Roddy “Rowdy” Piper as an ass-kickin’ pastor who says, “Robots don’t go to heaven!” 4/5! 

TRESPASSERS (2019)

A circle jerk of friends enjoy a night at a remote Airbnb ’til a non-stop series of bad decisions bring ’em under attack by a gang of masked Mexicans lookin’ for an incrimidatin’ photo in the house. This flick annoys me to the Nth degree with how many stupid decisions characters make while senselessly overlookin’ obvious things that would help their predicaments. Like who was Fairuza Balk to the killers? Why are the guests tryin’ to cover up them killin’ a stranger with a gun who wouldn’t leave the house? One of the guest was forward ‘nough to develop the home owner’s photo of the killers and left it out in the open, so where did it go when the home invaders turned the place upside down lookin’ for it? Why is the last girl hoofin’ it down a desert highway when she has four runnin’ cars available to her?! There’s tons more I could bitch ’bout, but there’s just too much to list. Stabbins’, eye gougin’, phone hogs, machetes to the head, chemical eye wash, bullets to the head, bullets to the elbow like it’s no big deal, strangulation, drownin’s, bullet firin’ with bolt cutters and a hammer, coke snortin’, wacky tobacky smokin’, bumpin’ in the hot tub without boobs, desert assassinations, kidnappin’s, dead baby drama, touchy affairs, and cryin’ durin’ sex! 2/5! 

CULTURE SHOCK (2019)

It’s the Mexican version of The Matrix as a heroic prego fights for illegal immigrants’ freedom from cultural rehabilitation within a weirdo doctor’s VR community that eerily resembles an Ol’ Navy commercial. This 4th of July “horror” is anythin’ but and easily divides a room into two factions: those wantin’ to praise it as a glarin’ metaphor for ‘merica’s hypocrisy as a meltin’ pot, and critics bitchin’ ’bout its lack of tension, ill-paced story, and confusin’ details behind the white wash science experiment that don’t add-up. Would have worked better as an Outer Limits episode. Strange boyfriend rape scenes, feedin’ tubes galore, Mexican cartel, human shootin’ practice, national border runnin’, stabbin’s, lab rat revolutionists, baby daddy murders, births, and Barbara Crampton proves Margot Robbie ain’t the only gal who can pull off crazy while lookin’ hot as hell at the same time! 3/5!

6 PLOTS (2012)

A creep with an axe to grind crashes a high school house party and buries a bunch of popular kids with their cell phones in death rigged coffins to host a livestreamin’ game of life or death one girly’s gotta beat to save everyone. This Australian flick has a lot goin’ for it regardin’ its cinematography and actors, but the story leaves a lot to be desired with a fairly flat villain carryin’ out a somewhat underdeveloped Jigsaw plot that generates as much tension as unexpectedly steppin’ in a mud hole. At least the killer haS a memorable avatar to taunt his victims with, and there’s at least one to two gruesome deaths. Human bonfires, stabbin’s, assembly line sawin’, computer hackin’, close call drownin’s, dead ringer burials, garbage truck death traps, and near electrocutions! 3/5!

BAD DREAMS (1988)

A girl falls into a coma after her suicide cult blows themselves up in a house fire to end all house fires and wakes up 13 years later in a mental hospital. The police want answers, but she’s too distracted by what she believes is the ghost of her cult leader hauntin’ her to complete their pact while he kills patients in grotesque fashion. An unfortunately forgotten flick, this movie looks great, delivers some surreal gore, makes perfect use of a couple of rockin’ tunes, and boasts a sweet cast of horror alum from the ’80s, but the story, as interestin’ as it is, loses its luster by the last reel when all its supernatural elements are swapped out for a gaslightin’ scheme I only half followed. Impaled hands, one loon wreckin’ crew, acidic cleaner cocktails, fatal freefalls with head splatter, visions of vehicular slaughter, self stabbin’s, human matchsticks galore, one dangly ear make-up, group therapy sessions, pool drownin’s, explosions, and seniors fallin’ into turbines with 10x their body entrails spillin’ out through the air ducts! 3/5!

PARTY HARD DIE YOUNG (2018)

A gang of Austrian graduates sail to party island to celebrate their freedom from academia, but the fun’s crashed by a killer in a shitty homemade mask who’s wantin’ ’em pay for past sins. This is a decent flick overall with beautiful people havin’ a non-stop rave in a gorgeous location, but once the killer’s motives are revealed, I immediately wash my hands of the protagonists and abandon all investment in the story. Fatal freefall, impalement, party fouls, non-graphic bottles up asses, bottles forced down throats, sunk doofuses, BTW party queens, stabbin’s, roofied drinks, gang rape, and rough games of truth or dare! 3/5!

DEMONHOUSE (2018)

In this supposedly true documentary, the Travel Channel’s spook expert Zak Bagans purchases one of the most haunted houses reported in recent history and conducts a full scale investigation that results in a lot of folks gettin’ sick, injured, and possibly possessed by a demonic presence lurkin’ in the basement. I’ve never heard of Zak Bagans or his TV shows and haven’t got a clue to the legitimacy of this documentary’s claim, but true or not, this is a damn creepy story that keeps me glued to my idiot box for all the gritty details ’bout what happened to past families while the film crew themselves experience their own paranormal phenomenons. Cold spots, curious dirt, damaged eyesight, possible possessions, accounts of wall walkin’, unexplainable organ failure, hotel hollerin’, demonic tauntin’, black forms, lock-in investigations, and slimy blinds! 4/5! 

21 DAYS (2014)

An annoyin’ gang of yahoos claimin’ to be ghost hunters shut themselves in a house that’s supposedly been cursed by Native Americans and try breakin’ the all time record for how long occupants can stand livin’ there ‘fore spooks send ’em runnin’ for the hills. This ain’t the worst found footage flick I’ve ever seen, but it’s pretty far from entertain’ with all ’round bad actin’, non-existent tension, poor escalation of danger, and the constant use of an annoyin’ sound effect from their EMF devices that forces me to mute most the movie. Slammin’ doors, self-rockin’ chairs, spooky balls, ghostly lynch mobs, horrible interviewin’ skills, supernatural vandalism, ghost young’ns, and invisible forces tossin’ spectral investigators! 2/5!

THE BUTCHER POSSESSIONS (2014)

An Australian teen invites his friends to debunk a supernatural ritual from the dark web for summonin’ an evil entity called The Butcher for his internet channel, but ’cause no one takes any of it seriously, the spell’s all fucked to hell, and the mean mama jama comes after ’em for real with no way out. The cast is decent and the filmmakers do a great job creatin’ a creepy atmosphere that’s maintained throughout this found footage flick, but as scary as the demonic Butcher sounds, I don’t think the film delivers a powerful ‘nough moment that sums-up the fear of bein’ caught by him. Possessed sleep-walkin’, unnerved psychics, doll stabbin’, evil winds, salt circles, blood contracts, thumb pricks, never endin’ night, loopin’ roads, supernaturally sabotaged cars, candle defenses, laughable meltdowns, and Midnight Man rules! 3/5!

AIRBORNE (2012)

In this mile-high misfire that’s way more heist than horror, thieves hi-jack a British plane to steal an ancient vase they have no clue is carryin’ an evil that’s itchin’ to make someone the Anti-Christ. The escalation of danger is horribly off, the horror’s worked in like an after thought at the end, and Mark Hamill’s the star attraction, but he’s sparingly peppered in as an air traffic controller who loses his cool. The only sweets I can find in this soured disaster flick are a handful of accidental laughs  courtesy of some awkwardly shot moments. Possessions galore, self-inflicted head smashin’, gun shots to the gut, stabbin’s, body piles in baggage, mile-high club sexcapades, motor mouth passengers, plane crashes, government cover-ups, long-winded seniors, cursed objects, and possessions over the radio waves! 3/5! 

#SCREAMERS (2016)

A wannabe Google company strikes gold with a series of viral scare videos but are forced to investigate their anonymous filmmakers ’cause they might be exploitin’ a woman who went missin’ years ago. This found footage flick has a lot of nice build-up with an entertainin’ ensemble of co-workers anxiously workin’ to solve a engagin’ mystery, but it completely fumbles the ball in the last reel with no real punchline or hint of resolution to the story’s burnin’ questions. Jump scare videos, possible Stockholm Syndrome, aggressive investigatin’, chases through the snow, walks through the cemetery, and questionable ties to Jack the Ripper! 3/5! 

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (2019)

The second sequel to a spin-off of The Conjuring that falls who-knows-where in the continuity of director James Wan’s movie-verse, Annabelle the evil doll escapes her day job as a haunted prop in the Warren’s museum of cursed oddities and raises some PG-rated hell sicin’ a houseful of spooks and demons after her captors’ daughter and sitter’s souls. This flick ain’t as violent or creepy as the last Annabelle movie and periodically drags from time to time , but it’s still a fun little feature full of likable characters and ghostly threats that feels like an episode of the Real Ghostbusters. Possessed bridal gowns, attempted stabbin’, ghostly visions, sinister shadows, soul suckin’, hell hounds, zip body count, future broadcastin’ TVS, haunted piano tunes, angry ghost dads, gangs of eerie ferry men who seem to be payin’ folks to ride with ’em versus the other way ’round, supernaturally locked doors, gravely lynch mobs, birthday parties, haunted samurai armor, school bullies, spooky nether regions, handsy board games that take too long to be executed in lackluster ways, and possibly the first exorcism ever performed through a home movie recordin’! 4/5!

CHILD’S PLAY (2019)

When Andy’s given a factory busted robo-doll named Chucky for his birthday, the toy’s malfunctionin’ iPhone for a brain copies what it sees in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and assassinates anyone it sees as a threat to their artificial friendship. A reimaginin’ of the ’88 horror classic featurin’ a serial killer’s spirit trapped in a My Buddy spoof, this legal loophole of a film ixnays all the hoodoo voodoo in favor of technophobia with the killer ankle biter now written as a confused robot linked with surroundin’ devices it can sic on folks. I think this is a solid movie overall and should really be a vehicle for introductin’ an all new horror villain ‘stead of recyclin’ Chuck for an easy payday. Especially since this robo-Chucky is never self-aware, leavin’ it devoid of any personality or grit that made the original psycho-doll so much fun to watch. The only sour I have to bitch ’bout is the horrible castin’ regardin’ age range, ’cause Andy looks way too old for this toy, and the chemistry between him and his youthful lookin’ mama feels more like siblin’s than parent and child. Cat stranglin’, dissin’ palybacks, bone snappin’, wrong uses of the word “poetic,” stabbin’s, massacred heads, several E.T. nods, killer drones, self-drivin’ car wrecks, pervy maintenance guys, table saws up the crotch, robotic operations, gift-wrapped watermelon’s decorated with cheatin’ lovers’ faces, dead cats, hacked TV bashin’, killer doll vision, kidnapped milfs, fatal freefalls, extremely disgruntled factory workers, retail store massacres, doll lynch mobs, small armies of killer dolls, and Mark Hamill slips into Joker for the briefest second at the very end! 3/5! 

MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL (2019)

Agent M is the newest rookie to join the world’s only defense ‘gainst intergalactic scumwads, and her first assignment is at the M.I.B.’s European branch where she meets Agent H and investigates a suspected mole in the organization who’s aidin’ an e.t. invasion of Earth. It ain’t easy followin’ a box-office act like Agent K and J after three solid movies, but the filmmakers successfully give the franchise a fresh new spin while keepin’ things familiar. The newest M.I.B. partners are brilliantly written as clever role reversals of J and K, the series mythos is effortlessly expanded, and the story allows for a more epic adventure. The biggest sour, unfortunately, is I don’t think any of it is funny, and the filmmakers lack that stylish touch that makes director Barry Sonnenfeld’s movies so special. I also have problems with some story points, understandin’ Agent M’s trainin’ timeline and her exact expertise, and silly melodramatic moments forced into a fizzle of an endin’, but would forgive all that if any of it made me laugh. E.T. tentacle sex, slow-mo powers, illusion fields, neuralizers, beard e.t.s, e.t. agents, poisonous snake bites, weaponized car accessories, explosions, e.t. dance clubs, drugged darts, three armed hotties, pocket-size canyon blastin’ guns, toyetic sidekicks, space portals, Thing-themed e.t. baddies, Eiffel Tower set pieces, flyin’ bikes, bunch of dead e.t.s, trans-continental super trains, flyin’ cars, and fatal meltdowns! 3/5!

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (2019)

When a scientist builds a fancy bird caller to yap it up with the world’s biggest critters, she manipulates them to wreck the planet in the name of cosmic balance. Things get out of hand, however, ’cause the three-headed dragon Ghidorah’s starts callin’ the shots, and it’s up to Godzilla and a monster stalkin’ organization to restore the natural order. Arguably the best Godzilla flick yet, it definitely blows the other two American attempts at capturin’ Japan’s biggest mon-star outta the water. Lotta kaiju brawlin’, epic globe trottin’, and a cast of root-worthy humans perfectly co-existin’ with impressive special effects exhibitin’ genuine girth. Godzilla vs Ghidorah vs Rodan vs Mothra, volcanic entrances, maybe the lost city of Atlantis, gift wrapped nukes, atomic booms, plane crashes, in-flight ejection meals, stormy body odor, nuke beams, three-way dragon’s breath, regeneratin’ appendages, Fenway Park chaos, metamorphosis, King Kong references galore, history lesson wall art galore, submarine rescue missions, 3-4 background beasts of city stompin’ size, and Blue Oyster Cult’s tune is finally used in a Godzilla flick! 5/5! 

BRIGHTBURN (2019)

A horror spin on Superman’s origin, a couple from Brightburn, Kansas raise a crashed e.t. baby as their own, but come to regret that decision as he approaches puberty and undergoes dangerous changes that make him an unstoppable super threat manipulated by the space wreck he arrived in. An interestin’ genre mash-up, this bizarro version of Smallville doesn’t bring a lot of surprises to the table, but does offer a jaw droppin’ moment of gore or two and some unsettlin’ jump scares I can’t believe work. Not a spectacular flick mind ya, but impressively noteworthy none the less. Shattered glass in eyes, crushed hands, heat vision galore, plane crashes, fatal freefalls from 30,000 ft., super strength, hot heads, dissected corpses for wall art, chicken coop massacres, splattered law enforcement, farm 51, peepin’ toms, dislocated jaws, super flight, murder scene callin’ cards, tell-all doodle art, flickerin’ power outages, and one home wreckin’ super young’n throwin’ the temper tantrums to end them all! 4/5!

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