R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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GREMLIN (2017)

You’re probably smart enough to know this ain’t a Gizmo sequel, but you may be surprised to find out this ain’t even a movie with any gremlins. No sir, this flick’s actually ’bout a fallen god bein’ Pokémoned into a magic box and passed around like a cursed video tape with a deadly countdown. When it’s an unsuspectin’ husband’s turn to bear the terror, it’s a race against time as the little CGI sucker routinely comes out to slay his fragile family ’til he passes it on to someone he loves and restart the timer. Despite the deceivin’ title, this is a really good monster flick with top shelf effects, slick camerawork, a convincin’ cast, thoughtful writin’ with purpose, and an epically monstrous endin’ I didn’t see comin’. Throat slittin’, box forts, chest stabbin’, stomach burstin’, impaled heads, baby mama drama, bodies in the basement, exposition gypsies, eye gougin’, respawnin’ deaths, and giant monster attacks! 4/5!

CHILD EATER (2016)

When a new family moves into a town’s old haunt, they stir up the local boogeyman Robert Bowery, the ghost of a killer senior who eats folks’ eyes to fix his own failin’ sight. So, hold yer horses . . . shouldn’t this be called Eye Eater then? Anyway, this is a sweet movie with all the ingredients of a solid horror. Lively cinematography, conflicted last girls, Cassandra characters doublin’ as heroes, perfectly creepy music that heightens the scares, and a wicked lookin’ monster in an abandoned zoo settin’. Despite all this, however, the movie does degrade into a mind numbin’ rerun of Tom and Jerry the last half of the movie which is always a major sour for me. Dead baby stories with evil storks, eye gougin’, creepy games of hide and seek with fugly masks, baby mama drama, fatal force feedin’, fake eyes, monsters in the closet, and ghosts versus guns with surprisin’ results! 4/5! 

A PLACE IN HELL (2018)

A van full of college filmmakers exploit a fright farm attraction to shoot a generic slasher pic, never suspectin’ a real killer is stalkin’ them from behind the scenes. While the story has potential, the location shows promise, and at least half of the cast has somewhat entertainin’ personalities, the biggest sours of this flick are its redundant stabbin’ deaths, feeble attempts at shock and fear, and most of all . . . its killer! The fella’s supposed to be demonically possessed or some shit, but he just looks like someone’s frustrated dad who got separated from the family van on a drive to IHOP. Stabbin’s galore, killer switcheroo, self obsessed bimbos, barn bangin’ without boobs, strangulations, drunk cop dramas, possible demonic possessions, necrophilia, gunshots to the gut, and the only clowns are a bunch of black light dummies hung up like funny piñatas! 2/5! 

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

Chromeskull survives his head bashin’ acid facial from the last flick and is rescued by . . . his corporation of demented employees?! After a brief montage crammed with months of recovery, he’s ready to make a comeback and tie up loose ends from the first Laid to Rest while terminatin’ some overly ambitious killers on his payroll. Woo-wee! This quietly celebrated series keeps the momentum goin’ with all the jarrin’ gore I come to expect from the first movie, and it’s all the more brutal when dished out on a cast of likeable characters. Even more impressive is how the filmmakers manage to maintain Chromeskull’s mystique while revealin’ more of his story which begs more questions in the best of ways. Disembowelin’, decapitatin’, stabbin’s, sides of folks’ heads sliced off, reality TV POV, girls in coffins, boobs, deep throatin’ knives, gnarly spinner weapons, insultin’ copycat killers, facial reconstructive surgery, and Danielle Harris cleans up nicely as a hench gal on Chromeskull’s payroll! 4/5!  

LAID TO REST (2009)

An amnesiac hooker wakes up in a funeral home with a masked psycho wantin’ to add her to his video diary of death, but she manages to escape and makes every good Samaritan regret not havin’ a phone with Chromeskull hot on her heels. Well shot with above average actin’ and gore that’ll make you think people are made of jelly filled butter, I’m very impressed with how the filmmakers manage to make such a generic lookin’ killer so memorably effective. The only sour that sticks in my craw is how the story’s escalation’s all over the place, makin’ me feel like the movie ends two or three times, and the reveal of the hooker’s identity adds jack shit to her character, the story, or the horror of the film. Bunch of heads saws off with huntin’ knives, nip slips out of the shower, guts poppin’ out of wounds, whole faces sliced off, bitchin’ hearses, meltin’ faces, heads filled with tire sealant, daddy issues, chicks in coffins, bodies galore, cheek stabbin’, eye stabbin’, hi-tech rides, Chinese cell phones with scary fast texts, dead mammy boobs on a slab, corpse puppets, scariest home made videos, heads blown off with shotguns, and head bashin’ with bats! 4/5!  

BIGFOOT (2012)

When a gaggle of ’70s TV stars fight over a disc jockey’s plans for hostin’ an ’80s themed Woodstock in their little town, they piss off their local Rampage-size Bigfoot whose answer to everythin’ is bitin’ heads off. For a Syfy flick, this is pretty damn entertainin’. There’s a fun nostalgic mix of celebs, the pacin’ and action never lag, and the fim’s colorin’ ain’t that saturated sadness most Syfy flicks can be characterized by. The best part is Bigfoot, which is a valiant effort at a special effect monster. Looks fake as hell and recycles a lot of the same actions like a video game sprite, but the filmmakers were clever enough to work around this limitation and has him doin’ some of the funniest shit. CG helicopter action, explosions, town folk squishin’ galore, head bitin’ galore, hippie hotties in chains, Alice Cooper vs Bigfoot, raft kickin’, showdowns on Mt. Rushmore, construction site chaos, concert chaos, and walkin’ TV history from The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, WKRP in CincinnatiTwin Peaks, and Northern Exposure! 4/5!

NIGHTMARE (2007)

In this Ruin My Lifetime original, Haylie Duff dedicates her college years to understandin’ her family’s curse of sleep paralysis, never suspectin’ it could accidentally let a supernatural bein’ slip into her life from another dimension and kill her loved ones. With impressive camerawork, subtle effects, and Haylie takin’ the charge as competent eye candy, this is better than it should be for a Lifetime flick. However, I think the monster’s lack of presence and rules sadly undermines the movie’s tension and leaves the characters without much of a build-up. Supernatural chokin’, astral projections, heart attacks, dream girls torpedoin’ through windshields, handful of bogus scares, shape shiftin’ creatures, and screamin’ young’ns! 3/5!  

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