R-RATED REVIEWS

 

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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SICK AND THE DEAD (2009)

Half of this Z-grade flick is ’bout three strangers enactin’ the buddy system to hike the Carolina boonies durin’ the zombie apocalypse . . . the other half are completely separate hodge podge shorts of nobodies gettin’ eaten by zombies that have nothin’ to do with the other half. Either the filmmakers didn’t know which film they wanted to make or they came up with some ambitious filler for paddin’ this baby out to meet the qualifications of a feature film. Even with a choppy plot and sins against the camera’s 180 rule, however, the actin’s alright, the gore is messy with some effective stabbin’s, and we get some new zombie lore ’bout the undead steerin’ clear of shit. Decapitations, arrows to the nuts, acid laced meat treats, attempted rape, bitin’, can on a string alarm systems, head stabbin’, treehouse forts, ceptic defenses, stabbin’s, gun fights, camper boobs, flashers, disembowelments, blows to the vagina, and dumpster forts! 2/5! 

WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON (1993)

A poor gal magically births Julian Sands back into the role of the Warlock, and this time he’s servin’ as Satan’s anti-Christ who’s gotta collect a bunch of ritzy stones that’ll release the big devil man himself from Hell unless a teenage pair of Druid warriors can stop him with their Jedi-like powers. The Warlock is just as magnetically evil as ever but lacks a little of that devilish charm we love to hate and barely has any screen time with his enemies which makes this flick feel divided between his gory roadtrip kills and the teens’ comin’ of age drama with blue screens. I’m greatly entertained with this sequel’s bitchin’ tunes, melodramatic camerawork, charmin’ practical effects, and lively characters, but I think it’s so lame how half the movie focuses on this one teen developin’ his magical mojo for defeatin’ the Warlock just for him to get his ass handed to him in a doggy bag. Invisible staircases, truck stop whore scalpin’, human matchsticks, fleshy back maps, impalin’s, elevator massacres, fatal freefalls, human sculptin’, evil mirror worlds, midget bullyin’, brain diggin’, shotguns to the chest, spurtin’ human pin cushions, self drivin’ racecars, resurrections, stabbin’s, magic sawdust, baseball powers, gory meltdowns, and a cool optical effect for a boss demon! 4/5!

WARLOCK (1989)

A time travelin’ witch escapes his medieval execution and crash lands in 1988 where he plans on undoin’ all creation while outrunnin’ a whip happy witchhunter and an annoyin’ ginger. This is a great film full of charismatic characters, suspense, cross country chases, and a charmin’ buttload of practical effects that rival those found in Superman IV. Julian Sands is one of the most unsung horror villains of all time as the Warlock and deserves waaay more recognition for his stint in these movies. Rapid agin’, severed fingers, tongues bitten out and filleted, time-nados, unidentified flyin’ towheads, dead coyotes, thumb and toe shackles, holy burns, human matchsticks, goo spurtin’ eyes, fire vomitin’, hammered heels, demonic séance possessions, gouged eyeball compasses, magical stowaways, salty whip defenses, Grimoire magic, unbaptized boys butchered, lethal diabetics, staked bats, and skull stompin’! 5/5! 

ABOMINABLE (2006)

Recuperatin’ from an accident, a wheelchair bound fella spots a big-ass sasquatch roamin’ his side of the mountain and desperately tries warnin’ the bimbos next door it’s hungry for their hot flesh! One of the best Big Foot/Abominable Snow Man flicks EVER committed to celluloid, this is just an amazin’ film that’s like watchin’ Hitchcock characters survivin’ a ’50s monster movie with puncuations of ’80s gore! The point of view might have been more interestin’ from the bimbos side of the story, and the sasquatch looks Disney silly in the face, but memorable deaths, a powerhouse score, great actin’, and Jeffrey Combs and Lance Henriksen playin’ bit parts make up for all that. Near fatal freefalls, abductions, human meals, bimbos yanked in half through windows, dead dogs, home invadin’ ‘squatches, axes to the back, fender benders with sasquatch, airborne bimbos through windshields, and folks with the fronts of their heads bitten off! 5/5!  

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (2017)

Small town cops do their best to stop an axe wieldin’ Santa and his Harley Quinn-like sidekick Mrs. Clause from completin’ their daily massacres inspired by the 12 days of Christmas. I think this is the best Christmas horror movie of 2017 and worth addin’ to anyone’s collection of holiday fear flicks. The cinematography is amaze balls, the majority of actors are top shelf with great screen chemistry among them, the story’s easy to follow but never gets borin’, and the slashers stack lots of bodies. I just wish there was a bit more graphic gore for my buck and the filmmakers had chosen a single perspective to tell the story through. Flocks of dead geese, dead dogs offscreen, axes to the chest, arrows in the eye, slashes to the neck, severed fingers, offscreen decapitations in a doggy bag, slaughtered Santas, strip club chaos, kidnappin’s, restroom massacre, firetrap make-out sessions, drone cameras galore, and police station massacres! 4/5!

BEFORE I WAKE (2016)

Thomas Jane and Kate Bosworth unknowingly adopt a mutant young’n whose dreams manifest in the real world as a bunch of pretty pictures Thomas Kinkade would be jealous of, but there’s an nightmare beneath it all called the Cancker Man lookin’ to ruin the heart warmin’ experience. Beautifully shot with really strong actin’, this is a remarkable story that plays on many emotional levels while providin’ superbly fetchin’ special effects eye candy. I’m just not entirely sold on the endin’ and how Kate handles acceptin’ her family’s fate. Christmas lit butterflies, phantom young’ns, cocooned folks, creepy crawlies in and out of eye sockets, cancer patients, drowned young’ns, and monstrous hugs! 4/5!

ALIEN ARESENAL (1999)

Two geeky best friends discover a vault of e,t, firepower in their school’s basement and live out superhero fantasies zappin’ their bullies into oblivion before the sci-fi toys’ original owners fly back to Earth to reclaim it. The unofficial second sequel to Laserblast, this watered down version of Star Wars meets Rebel Without a Clue is shot on the fast and cheap but makes up for it with good actors, a few surprises, and (unlike its predecessors) actual enemies for the leads to fight. Only complaint would be how string bean the heroes look in their super suits of space armor and the seasick camerawork. Reverse zapped bullies, locker-room scares, rave disguised e.t. triplets with black light eyes, Halloween mask e.t.s, explosions, mankind extermination attempts, CGI spaceships, nerdy transitions, hot tomboys, x-ray specs, and sci-fi walkies! 3/5! 

LITTLE ERIN MERRYWEATHER (2003)

Dirty fingers trigger a damaged college gal to become a slashin’ cosplayer dressed as her favorite Red Ridin’ Hood doll, and only an overly surprised school reporter and his teacher can stop her. I avoid Brain Damage Films like the plaque, because they release 99.9% shit, but this flick is the one rare exception that’s only 80% shit. The story and actin’ ain’t bad, the score and sound mix is waaay better than it deserves to be, and there’s some genuine effort behind the camerawork, but this could have been better if it had more mystery and tension by not revealin’ who the killer is so quickly. Fatal shortcuts, fairy tale confessions, daddy rapists, gunshots, stabbin’s, some of the best scared faces EVER committed to celluloid, and one fella who’s terrified of fightin’ a psycho woman! 3/5! 

BUG BUSTER (1998)

Katherine Heigl’s family unknowingly moves into a small lake town infested with mutant cockroaches breedin’ in the townfolk’s bodies and, only TV exterminator General Randy Quaid can squash them in over the top fashion. For the most part, this is a very respectable straight shootin’ B-movie that delivers multiple deaths with TV tame gore, but all bets are off once Randy shows up the last few minutes with a cartoonish arsenal of bug killin’ toys just to end up fist fightin’ a guy in a giant bug suit. Chewed up bodies, chewed up sex partners, family friendly skinny dippin’, freeze guns, flame throwers, fireballs, barbeque vampire bats, bed bugs, gratuitous movie references, fishin’ with guns, redneck band deaths, death on the toilet, infested wounds, big ass mother bugs, and Star Trek alums Scotty and Sulu tag team in supportin’ roles! 3/5!  

DEADLY WEAPON (1989)

After life hands 15 year old Zeke a truckload of shit kickin’ lemons from class bullies to drunken parents knockin’ him around, he finds an experimental laser tag weapon that allows him to get even while livin’ out a deluded fantasy he’s a displaced e.t. The unofficial sequel to Laserblast, this follows the same plot as the original but ixnays all the alien stuff in favor of a more grounded story on a tighter budget with fewer scenes of mass destruction. It’s a lost gem only diehard fans of ’80s trash would truly enjoy, but all I have to bitch about is the inconsistency with the laser’s power, and the lead (Billy from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors) leaves a lot to be desired in the actin’ department. Explodin’ cars, human matchsticks, philosophical jumbo in the third person, homerun dead dogs, arcade machines MacGuyvered into hostage restraints, zapped priests, four people stuffed in a trunk, fuedin’ brass, politically incorrect principles, bad girl sidekicks, and explodin’ buildin’s! 2/5!

DAVE MADE A MAZE (2017)

Dave is an artist who’s inspired to build a cardboard maze full of booby traps in his livin’ room, but the maze takes on a life of its own with a big-ass Minotaur after him, and it’s up to his friends to rescue him from an arts and crafts death. I often steer clear of anythin’ released by Gravitas Ventures, because everythin’ they release is absolute shit, but this fantasy horror is the one exception. Full of characters worth rootin’ for in a famous Greek myth that’s turned on its head with cool new ways to mix fun and gore with cardboard, this gives horror fans a fun departure from formulaic slashers and booger beasts for what could be described as Pee-Wee’s Playhouse meets Dungeons & Dragons. Impalin’s, decapitations, yarn blood, slice ‘n dice deaths, cardboard vagina portals, paper dildos, origami birds, minotaurs, fists of cardboard, swordplay, evil high-fivin’ puppets, blanket defenses, paperbag doubles, mini-mazes inside mazes, giant hands, and the most heroic boom operator ever captured on celluloid! 4/5! 

 

 

 

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