R-RATED REVIEWS

logotitle copy3

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

NEW

INFESTATION (2009)

A slacker wakes up in the middle of a giant bug invasion and finds a girl worth fightin’ flesh hungry insects and mutant bug folk for. This is an amazin’ film I can’t recommend enough thanks to its perfect balance of humor, action, tension, gross out gags, and tenderness. You care about every character, the danger is real but with perfectly punctuated points of levity, and the story’s realistically written while still offerin’ fantastic circumstances. The CGI bugs aren’t the greatest effect, but easily overlooked when compared to the rest of the flick. Giant flyin’ insects grabbin’ and stingin’ folks, giant beetle critters, cocoon wrapped flesh snacks, queen bugs, bug eggs, folks mutated into hybrid drones, bug dog hybrids, boobs, bug guts, fatal freefalls, explosions, crazy hot bitches, deafenin’ defenses, gunplay, mutant bug boys, wake-up vomit, bicycle invasions, underground bunkers, and Ray Wise plays soldier! 5/5! 

SIDESHOW (2000)

A gang of flawed teens tour a travelin’ freakshow where the ringleader suckers them into becomin’ their own sinful oddities. For a pretty hackneyed premise, this Fred Olen Ray directed flick successfully provides some good ol’ fashion entertainment that offers convincin’ enough characters, a compellin’ story, and memorable freaks and effects. Only thing I have to bitch about is some confusion over some of the freaks’ abilities like how Digestina exactly eats and what it is the Inside Out Girl can do without her skin. Total Recall chest mutants, bug boys cosplayin’ as the Invisible Man, girls takin’ all their skin off, topless reflux tub chicks, livin’ dolls, bangin’ bods without faces, gnarly canary men, face meltin’, beast boys, cripples, midget ringleaders, transformation tubes, snake cuddlers, and Brinke Stevens as one hot fortune teller! 4/5!  

STEPFATHER 2: MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY (1989)

Terry O’Quinn returns as the mentally unhinged family man who won’t let knives to the chest stop him from havin’ the family he always dreamed of slaughterin’. After escapin’ the mental institution, our favorite demented dad moves into a new neighborhood and is quick to move on a recently separated Meg Foster and her son across the street. New relationships don’t come without their challenges, however, as Meg’s snoopy friends and cheatin’ husband test the evil stepfather’s twisted charade all the way to the blood splattered altar. Not quite as good as the first Stepfather, but a great follow-up none the less. We get to see how the killer manipulates women into these doomed relationships, and Terry brilliantly brings the crazy as plans keep goin’ bad. Felt Meg Foster’s performance was a bit on the dull side but makes sense the killer would prey on that kind of woman for unholy matrimony. Anger management woodshops, stabbin’s, diorama deaths, strangulations, guards beaten to death with nightsticks, faces slashed with broken bottles, women’s support groups, bodies dumped in car crushers, U.S. Postal sleuthin’, strangulations, bloody weddin’s, and awkward sex scenes! 4/5!

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)

When the infamous Jon Mikl Thor from Rock’n Roll Nightmare is runover by spoiled teens, a yodelin’ voodoo witch brings him back to life as a stumblin’ zombie ready to serve his killers some vigilante justice with a baseball bat. As bad as folks may pan this flick, I think it’s pretty damn entertainin’. The script’s sturdy enough, the story’s wonderfully nutty, the performances are fine cheese, and you get to rock out to one kick-ass soundtrack. Biggest thing I’d fault this oddity for is its loss of momentum toward the end when Thor prematurely kills the guy who actually ran him over, leavin’ him with second string baddies to chase the rest of the flick. Hit and runs, stabbin’s, voodoo zombie resurrections, Haitian wardrobes that look Asian, hot tub scenes with clothes on, ’80s club scenes, attempted rape, head crushin’, gym chases, convenient store robbery rescues, victims who refuse to call the police, spaghetti sandwiches thrown in moms’ faces, confusin’ly shot cruises around town, make-out sessions on the tennis court, girls strangled with bats, guys impaled with baseball bats, smashed faces, and Adam West plays a crooked cop who gets yanked down to hell by a zombie! 3/5!

DEATHROW GAMESHOW (1987)

Host of TV’s most successful gameshow Live or Die, Chuck Toedan gives deathrow inmates the opportunity to win their freedom by survivin’ a series of fatal traps and trivia or meet a televised end before a live studio audience. When members of a notorious mob family start losin’ on the show, however, Chuck finds himself fightin’ for his life. I can’t believe how long this cinematic gem’s been flyin’ under the radar given how it’s like The Running Man, Death Race 2000, and Saw thrown in a blender! A cheap blender mind ya, but easily overlooked thanks to a thoughtful script filled with cleverly dark humor John McCafferty successfully carries throughout the film with his performance as Chuck. Only criticism might be to push the envelope a little more with the gore. Decapitations, electrocutions, asphyxiation, explosions, trivia, wake up call boobs, dream boobs, gameshow boobs, forbidden turkey love makin’, dance of the seven boners, recyclin’ dead inmates for commercials, nightmare sequences, broken necks, fatal commercials, and the best movie parody about a cursing mummy! 4/5! 

THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975)

A meteorite lands in in the middle of farm country and turns out to be a giant sci-fi space spider strippin’ cattle and people to the bone while layin’ diamond crusted spider eggs everywhere. This ain’t the best giant critter flick I’ve seen, but hell, it’s fun to watch for its farm folk drama and ingenuity for MacGyverin’ a giant car-size bug that gobbles people up in an unnervin’ fashion. The cherry on top of this space spider epic is Skipper from Gilligan’s Island bein’ cast as the town’s sheriff and comin’ off more like a commercial spittin’ comedian. Chewed up cattle carcasses, butt cracks, regular ass spiders, hand puppet spiders, explosions, weed farmin’, diamond swindlin’, intense scenes of scientists on the verge of kissin’, lessons in how to flirt with your cousin, spider meltdowns, barmaid affairs, farmers eaten whole by giant spiders, and spider lynch mobs! 3/5!

DECAMPITATED (1998)

When a mother nature hatin’ outdoorsman finds an animated gang of youthful urbanites campin’ in the woods, he makes sure it’s a vacation to dismember. Overall, this is a silly Troma flick full of ham performances and cartoon violence, but it’s the kind I enjoy watchin’! Consistent humor, hot girls, kinetic cinematography, rockin’ soundtrack, over the top gore, lively sound editin’, the killer’s look is memorable, the script ain’t bad. . . only complaint is the sudden drop in tension when everyone starts comin’ back from their supposed deaths, stickin’ dismembered parts back on like Mr. Potato Head. Head rippin’, throat slittin’, severed limbs, ear fishin’, human head puppets, lustin’ transvestites, car wrecks, weed eater fights, gunplay, lessons in escapin’ bear traps, showers of blood, machetes to the side, stabbin’s, blood taps, ghost stories around the campfire, fishin’ for teens, and no boobs! 4/5! 

FATTY DRIVES THE BUS (1999)

Satan finds out a scheduled bus wreck in Chicago is canceled, because Jesus has been spotted in the area. Disguisin’ himself as a cheap ass tour guide, Satan personally sees to it every soul on the bus is claimed in the name of Hell and steers the passengers to their original destination with a fatty behind the wheel. This “comedic” Troma flick has a wild concept, but fails to deliver anythin’ you’d hope to expect. Crossin’ your fingers for Speed meets Highway to Hell, you really end up with 30 minutes worth or story and gags painstakingly dragged out to a full length feature with the same jokes and recycled footage over and over again. First time’s funny, but over 30 minutes later, it gets fuckin’ annoyin’. Do yourself  a favor and just watch the scenes in Hell and the passengers’ introduction in the first 30 minutes, then skip to the last 5 minutes to see Jesus and the fatty bus driver have nothin’ to do with everyone’s fate, and get an earful of PSAs about coexistin’ and love. 2/5!  

STAR WORMS 2: ATTACK OF THE PLEASURE PODS (1985)

The title sounds way dirtier than this Troma flick actually is, and it’s pretty misleadin’. There was never a Star Worms 1, the worms aren’t in space, and there’s pleasure pods (these poker chip things on people’s heads), but they don’t attack anyone. What this sci-fi cheapo’s really about is a futuristic group of roamin’ convicts stuck minin’ minerals on a prison planet, defendin’ themselves from other nomad gangs, sex hungry wardens, and these flesh burrowin’ whipcord size worms that are barely present. A good effort, the problem with this flick is it’s heavily focused on the convicts, but all the story and drama’s up in the spaceship with the secondary warden characters we don’t give two flyin’ fucks about! The prisoners are the ones we have a stronger connection with as viewers and are anxious to see them make some darin’ escape, but we’re unfortunately left with them keepin’ to their gold diggin’ duties and cliff note endin’s that must have been beyond this thing’s budget. Skinny worm props, furry e.t. critter hugs, spear chuckin’, space laser cannon with batteries not included, psychic pleasurin’ lesbos in space, boobs, and jump cut transportations! 2/5!

FORTRESS OF AMERIKKKA (1989)

In this Troma flick, a mountain bunker of war game playin’ yahoos take things to the next level and start blastin’ away anyone who sees them partyin’ in the woods with their guns out. In the meantime, there’s a parallel Native American drama in town about an ex-con plottin’ revenge on the racist sheriff for killin’ his brother while he was in lock-up. What does one have to do with the other? Absolutely nothin’! At least not ’til the last few minutes when John Whitecloud runs into the murder happy militia and hurries to lead the town folk in a successful charge against their secret camp everyone seems to know about. This is one of those frustratin’ kind of flicks you know can be better with just a little more work on the script. And FYI, if you’re crazy enough to make a drinkin’ game for every time someone says Fortress of Amerikkka, you better have a new liver on stand-by! Decapitations, cat fights, shots to the head, young’n executions, militant love makin’, tent sex, explodin’ tents, doofus talkin’ sheriffs, lame beach brawls, traitors takin’ a beatin’ in the gauntlet, dancin’ cobra women, female fire eaters, lots of boobs, gunfights, crazy generals, unlucky saps drawn and quartered with trucks, and instant replay deaths on loops! 3/5! 

WHEN NATURE CALLS (1985)

When this obscure Troma flick first starts, you’re thinkin’ it’s goin’ to be a series of comedic shorts with fake trailers and what not. Then one sketch called “The Outdoorsters” runs a little long, seems to have a connection with the followin’ sketch, and it suddenly dawns on you you’re watchin’ the actual movie that you mistakenly thought was called When Nature Calls. A slapstick comedy with intermittent movie theater gag ads, this humdrum story’s about a fed up construction worker and his pollution sensitive wife takin’ their family for a healthy trip of tame hijinks to the so-so outdoors. While the movie’s a snooze, still check it out for its fake trailers and adult ads for theater junk food. Men fighting mountain lion cosplayers, baby criminals, stop motion hot dog people bangin’ and pissin’ on bags of droopy popcorn, elephants, and live action bears in love with teenage girls but nothin’ as ludicrous as the cover portrays! 2/5!

 

 

 

TwitterFacebook Youtube
%d bloggers like this: