R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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RAW FORCE (1982)

In this mess of a plot, Asian Hitler is tradin’ she-slaves with an island of cannibal monks for chunks of jade, and he inadvertently strands a cruise ship full of kung-fu yahoos who must battle undead warriors and ninjas the monks resurrect. My biggest problem with this flick is that it tries to tell everyone’s story. 1/3 the movie is the jade goons’ sinister operation, 1/3 is the hijinks of the booze cruise, and the final 1/3 is finally what you came to see – kung-fu zombies! This is entertainin’ overall (the cruise party in the middle is the best part), but doesn’t quite deliver what the poster promises. Decapitations, ass kickin’ eye candy, boobs, great whore house escapes, mix martial bar brawls, whore-nappin’, slow-mo monks, head smashed ice, stabbin’s, shoots outs, lost at sea, shipwrecks, zip onscreen cannibalism, swordplay, and undead warriors! 3/5! 

ANNABELLE: CREATION (2017)

A bus load of orphans shack up in a doll maker’s rural home and one of them is creeped the fuck out by a demonic’ presence out to get her through an unsettlin’ doll. This Conjuring related flick is better than I expected, surprisin’ me with some pretty gory moments when I was only prepared to be spooked by a mix bag of sound effects and a strategically edited score. The characters are compellin’ but make some unbelievably dumb decisions, the endin’ ties into the beginnin’ of the first Annabelle movie, and there’s some nice demonic visualizations that remind me of things I’ve seen in Real Ghostbusters. Possessions, tricky demons, roadkill young’ns, games of Ring around the well, holy traps, double jointed fingers, monstrous transformations, scary bed sheets, trippy photos, disfigured doll women, evil scarecrows, pop gun defenses, folks ripped in half and crucified, and we learn demons can’t get you in the top bunk! 4/5!

BLOOD RAGE (1987)

A psycho young’n sets his twin brother up for a drive-in massacre and has him taken away to the loony bin. Years later, the good brother escapes his rubber room to prove his innocence, givin’ his slasher twin an excuse to fall back into murderous habits slashin’ his college buddies on Thanksgivin’. This is one of those good with the bad sorta slasher flicks. You’ve got an okay story with some tolerable characters and surprisingly impressive gore, but the pace drags every so often with very little tension, and the scenes with the twins’ crazed mama are fuckin’ ridiculous. Only thing Thanksgivin’ about this is a blink of a turkey dinner and a drunk-spread eagle mama sloppin’ up leftovers in front of the fridge. Severed hands, Pollock bloodspray, slashed bangin’ on a divin’ board, Halloween make-up gags, folks cut in half, airborne pies, decapitated décor, killer peepin’ tom young’ns, hatchets to the face, manic calls with the operator, splittin’ headaches, machete deaths, carvin’ forks to the neck, and babies in jeopardy! 3/5! 

DEATH MASK (1998)

A mildly scarred carnie sells his soul to a swamp witch so he can carve the world’s most beautiful mask for his sideshow attraction, but his twisted folk art becomes a magic weapon that makes ass-holes kill themselves if they look into its eyes when he’s wearin’ it. The story’s interestin’ enough with a kind of Tales From the Crypt vibe to it, but it has some of the most abrupt transitions I’ve ever seen, a confusin’ montage of the whole movie at the very beginnin’, and the carnie’s burn scars need to be waaay worse to warrant the disgusted reactions people have. Overall worth a watch, especially with Linnea Quigley as the carnie’s romantic co-star which proves to be one of her best performances. Swamp witches, stabbin’s, chicken munchin’ geeks, dancin’ snake charmers, pickled skulls, whore houses, killer feng shui, bar bullies, death beds, trailer trash Romeos, hauntin’ clowns, grilled young’ns, gloomy fortune tellers with tilted hairdos, and Linnea Quigley’s boobs in the shower . . . TWICE!! 3/5!

MIDNIGHT MATINEE aka MATINEE (1989)

This flick starts with a lot of promise and then fizzles out like a sick dog fart. Years after a teen is slashed durin’ a horror film festival by an unknown killer, the small town theater re-opens its doors with another horror film festival the owners hope will block out the last disaster, and the locals are livid. Sure enough, history repeats itself with the mysterious slasher returnin’ to hack particular folks up, but the horror is so sparse and non-existent in this incoherent mess of a pointless story, you don’t give two shits who the killer is by the end. I recommend you just watch the openin’ tribute to Friday the 13th with a boob-tastic parody of Kevin Beacon’s death then skip all the pissin’ time drama to the last 10-15 minutes for the rest of the horror you came to see. Theater panic, hangin’s, fake knife fightin’, stabbin’ suicides, husband bashin’, and overprotective mothers! 2/5! 

THE HAUNTED CASINO (2007)

A gang of friends visit an abandoned Vegas casino one of them inherits from their dead uncle but get more than they gamble for when vengeful ghost mobsters Sid Haig and Michael Berryman gun for their very souls. This is a great Full Moon flick that reminds me of a Real Ghostbusters kind of adventure with a nice mix of characters trapped in a haunt that constantly fucks with them as shit escalates from funny to fatal. Blood floodin’ toilets, ecto-blowjobs, secret lesbo crushes, monstrous ghost transformations, dicks and limbs hacked off, treasure hunts, and hot girl photo shoots! 4/5! 

THE DEAD WANT WOMEN (2012)

Babe-alicious realtors clean up a high rollin’ Hollywood mansion for a potential buyer and find out they’ve been duped by the residential haunts, a posse of silent movie star ghosts wantin’ women for demented pleasure and possession. This Full Moon flick has a lot goin’ for it as far as convincin’ actors and crisp cinematography with top notch sets, but the ghosts’ make-up looks like it’s bought off the shelf at Party City, and the story’s a little thin for my taste. Most memorable parts are Eric Roberts playin’ an orgy cowboy and folks’ heads blowin’ up like they’re in a Tarantino film. Genre mashin’ orgies, cursed necklaces, two naked flapper girls, slit throats, suicidal stars, letters from the dead, possessions, ecto-booty call, dry humpin’, pussy cat pettin’, ecto-knife fights, ecto-fast draws, and ghost boobs! 3/5!

THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING (2000)

A gang of aspirin’ filmmakers go all guerilla in an abandon hospital for their indie horror flick and accidentally open a portal to an undead dimension with experimental equipment left by a twisted scientist. I really dig this Full Moon flick from its fully developed script and engagin’ actors to its rockin’ soundtrack and splatter gore! While there’s obvious tributes to particular horror masters and their masterpieces throughout the film, you’ll also feel influences from Event Horizon, Hellraiser, Re-Animator, and The Beyond as well. Undead make-out sessions, unique lookin’ zombies, coffin contraptions, evil scientists, interdimensional travel, zombie armies, impalements, stabbin’s, found footage, undead transformations, dummy head humpin’, lessons for why you shouldn’t film with real corpses, fart bag stiffs, jerk-off cashiers, bloodfalls, gut wrenchin’ punches, chainsaw fightin’, machete fightin’, zombie cosplay, and fake fires! 4/5!

PETRIFIED (2006)

A life suckin’ space mummy is stirred up after a black market deal goes wrong and chases an undercover agent into a clinic studyin’ nymphos for clues to immortality. While the concept for this Full Moon flick sounds really fun, the pace and energy of the film is a little lackluster and ultimately leaves you wishin’ for a lot more alien action and nymphomania. Killer e.t. hands, lesbo make-out sessions, ageless Asians, fewer boobs than expected for a story about nymphos, folks literally scared stiff, and one of the easiest monster defeats ever captured on celluloid with a bag of salt! 2/5! 

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