SCREAMING AT 2017’S CHRISTMAS HORROR!

Howdy there, Scream Freaks! Wow, Christmas is right around the corner, and we’re keepin’ a sharp eye out for any holiday jeer that might interrupt our preparation for our season five premier next month. Killer street Santas, flesh hungry elves, sinister snowmen . . . you never know what cute Christmas character’s gonna jump outta the woodwork as a twisted nightmare lookin’ to deck your halls!

Speakin’ of which, if you’re like us, then you’re always on the hunt for the newest Christmas horror flicks as soon as Halloween’s over. This year’s no different, and we thought we’d give you a heads up on a few of the more notable releases this season.

BETTER WATCH OUT (2016)

When a psycho young’n makes his move on his favorite babysitter while his parents are away at a Christmas party, his demented affections escalate to kidnappin’ and murder that’s sure to put him on the naughty list. A dark little flick with surprise twists and turns, this sick brat keeps you on the edge of your seat just itchin’ to see him get his just desserts by the end. Stellar actin’, sharp cinematography, and full of Christmas spirit, but I don’t think this will be a Christmas horror classic per say since Christmas isn’t integral to the story or villain. Underage drinkin’, stabs in the face, baseball bats to the head, young’ns heads blown off, duct tape saves, manipulated idiots, foiled escapes, Home Alone paint can deaths, mower hangin’s, stabs in the neck, bricks to the head, and sicko twirps that need more than a spankin’! 4/5!

THE ELF (2017)

It’s Christmas Eve, and just when a holiday hatin’ human sloth thinks things can’t get any worse after his fiancé’s unsupportive family drops in for a surprise visit, he accidentally sicks a killer Elf on the Shelf knock-off on them that collects souls for its demi-god’s supernatural hunt. Unfortunately, this flick is more jeer than cheer, and that’s due to a draggin’ pace that makes me feel like me or the filmmakers are stoned with every reaction, movement, and line delivery movin’ at the speed of molasses. The characters, locations, and backstory are introduced in the most confusin’ ways, the wardrobe’s a joke, and there is zero chemistry among the cast which impacts the lead couple from bein’ anywhere close to convincin’. Cursed chests, wrecked geezers playin’ “VROOM!,” stabbin’s, young’ns with mouths sewn shut, toy trapped souls, giftwrapped sacrifices, CGI/puppet prop killers, marriage interventions, random snow, seizure showers, Olive Oyl cosplay, giraffe deformities, and co-starrin’ the Rollin’ Stones lips! 2/5! 

RED CHRISTMAS (2017)

While Dee Wallace celebrates Christmas down under with her Australian family, a horrifyin’ mistake from her past limps to her front door and asks for acceptance into the family he never had least he kills them all. Much better than I expected, this violent holiday horror hooks me with its drama and the mystery of the hulkin’ visitor cosplayin’ as a mummy but sadly loses all that momentum by the third act when it all progresses into a meanderin’ game of cat and mouse. And just to get it out of my system (SPOILER ALERT), when does havin’ Down Syndrome mean bein’ a super strong behemoth with a monstrous mug? Bear trap hats gone wrong, pissin’ on the poor, dick rippin’, strangulations, artists chopped in half, prego bangin’, stabbin’s, Christmas births, axe-wieldin’ abortions, explosive backstories, fatal gunshots, and axes through the head! 3/5!

MOTHER KRAMPUS aka 12 DEATHS OF CHRISTMAS (2017)

Don’t let the title fool ya, ’cause this ain’t really a Krampus flick but a movie ’bout one of his Eastern Europe associates, Frau Perchta the Christmas Witch. The children of a small town are disappearin’, and their panicked parents think it’s the fulfillment of a decades ol’ curse cast by a witch they lynched for supposedly killin’ their young’ns. With only a handful of families left hidin’ from Perchta’s punishment Christmas Eve night, the supernatural assassin of the naughty moves fast to round up the remainin’ rugrats and slaughter their folks for their sins. Despite Perchta bein’ falsely advertised as Krampus, she still proves herself worthy of spreadin’ holiday fear in her own feature. The actin’s decent, there’s some creative kills, and the musical score is waaay too good for this feature with unnervin’ drones and creepy renditions of Christmas tunes. The biggest flaws I gotta bitch ’bout mainly regard the script with characters repeatin’ the same backstory over and over again, a convoluted plot that can stand to cut or combine certain details, and loose ends with the fate of the captured brats that somehow plays into the bigger picture of keepin’ the last young’n safe. Disembowelments, innards stuffed with yard waste and Christmas lights, heart rippin’, human Christmas décor, axes in the head, burnin’ facials, strangers with candy, stabbin’s, turkey cosplay feasts, flesh cookies, mouths sewn shut, Candyman nods, blood lickin’, satanic inductions, family drama out the ass, and boyfriends literally eatin’ their girlfriends! 3/5!

These flicks might be horse short of an open sleigh ride when compared to classics like Gremlins, Krampus, or the Silent Night, Deadly Night series, but still worth a watch on those cold dreary nights ’round the Christmas tree. For a list that claims to be the ultimate in namin’ and rankin’ every Christmas horror movie ever made, check out this link HERE and cross reference potential films you wanna see with our own R-Rated Reviews to see if it’s worth your time.

In the meantime, be sure to catch up on all past Screaming Soup! Seasons, check out this week’s Howl’n Hottie, read recent reviews for the newer horror films and comics we’re checkin’ out in our blogs, R-Rated Reviews and Sequential Slime, and help us get the word out about the web’s #1 animated horror host show! Please use our social buttons in the upper right corner of the site and follow our tweets, subscribe to our video channels, like our Facebook, watch and share all our vids, and keep that fan mail comin’.

Warm up some Screaming Soup! leftovers with reruns currently playin’ on Beta Max TV and Sluggo’s The Vortexx!

See ya later, Scream Freaks!

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